Review for 'Coffee Stained Pawprints' by missghean

Title (9/10) :

I'll be honest. The title doesn't actually sound too bad, and it's very cute in a sense. It pays some relevance to the story and leaves the reader curious and interested, which is exactly what it should be doing. It certainly got my attention, so good job. 

Description&Foreword (5/10) : 

If I were to have stumbled upon this story on my own account, I most likely wouldn't have continued reading it because of the description/foreword. The description was a bit hard to follow because of the grammatical errors(I had to read it more than once to understand it), and it kind of gave away what I suppose was meant to be a part of the inciting incident(if you're not sure what an inciting incident is, lookhere).

First let's discuss the grammar issues with the description, and I'll begin with the first sentence since that one seemed to have the most problems with making sense(and it's at the beginning anyways).

You had » Angelinus Coffee, is shop that was a angelic as its staff.

(I bolded the parts that need fixing)

I suggest you drop the comma after "Angelinus Coffee" because the noun is immediately followed by its verb("is"), and putting a comma in between your noun and verb is a big fat no. If you were trying to put emphasis on the shop's name, maybe bolding, underling, or italisicing it would be a better alternative, but that's only if you were trying to emphasize it. Morale of this is: get rid of the comma.

I suppose the next pair of problems could be classified as a simple slip of one's finger or a simple typo. You just forgot to add in a "a" between "Angelinus Coffee is" and "shop", and you probably want to change the "a" before "angelic" into "as".

The last problem with that sentence is the fact that you used both "is" and "was", and both of those are different tenses.

After changes » Angelinus Coffee is a shop that is as angelic as its staff.

Also, there was something I was kind of unsure about. In the description you state that the shop's name is "Angelinus Coffee", but as I read the rest of the story, you kept referring to the shop as only "Angelinus". If the name is meant to only be "Angelinus", the beginning sentence will have to be changed once again.

After second changes » Angelinus is a coffee shop that is as angelic as its staff.

Either go with naming the shop "Angelinus Coffee" or "Angelinus". Don't confuse the readers by addressing it by both names. My personal preference would be to just go with "Angelinus". The "coffee" seems completely unessecary.

The next two sentences describing Suho are acceptable in terms of grammar, and my only suggestion to them is: somehow specify how he is connected to Angelinus. You did mention that he was the shop's "guardian angel", but this may only confuse readers because it could mean anything.

The last sentence completely blew your cover. Not only did it consist of more grammar errors, it also gave away the cruicial part of the inciting incident: the fact that Junmyeon was a wolf. Keep that fact as your element of surprise! Don't expose it in the description! You might as well have written: Junmyeon is a wolf. Maybe replace it with something less obvious.

You had » After all, they say that even man who is pure of heart and says his prayers at night may still become a wolf when the autumn moon is bright.

After changes » After all, they say that even a man who is pure at heart and says his prayers at night may still be hiding something.

Even after my revisions, I still feel like there is something off about that sentence. It doesn't flow as well as it probably could, and since my grammar honestly isn't the best, I can't really tell what's wrong. Sorry about that.

Content&Plot (12/20) : 

The plot isn't too appealing to be quite frank. This is possibly because there are only a few chapters out, and the story still has yet to develop, but judging only by what you have done so far, it's honestly a bit lacking. The idea of incorporating a coffee shop with a wolf(wolf person?) is interesting, but it's random and makes little sense. Again this is probably due to having only two chapters up at the moment.

All I was able to get out of your story was: the coffee shop by the name of Angelinus is popular for its incredibly attractive staff, and girls often swing by to swoon over the flower boys. Sunhee, the barista, is for some odd reason, the only girl that works there(maybe you should mentionwhy she's the only girl). She goes home after a day of work, and finds herself being followed by a strange dog-like creature. When she wakes up in the morning, she finds herself sleeping beside her boss, Suho, who's . Turns out the dog was Suho, and now she's freaking out.

That's literally all I got, and I'm not really satisfied. It's missing an important element that all stories are supposed to have: a hook. The hook will usually answer the following question... What is the main conflict? The main conflict will usually reveal what it is that the protagonist wants—what their goal is, and it also reveals who the antagonist is(keep in mind that the antagonist is not always human, and there could always be more than one; ex. an antagonist can even be a disease). If you don't somehow incorporate in a hook, many readers will read your story and abandon it simply because they weren't allured.

This might be me being completely opiniated, but I've been opiniated this whole entire time, so I'll follow through to the end. I think it's plain weird how Junmyeon followed Sunhee home without an explanation. I assumed it was because he wanted her to be safe on the way to her house, but then he let himself go inside her home, and he slept next to her! What's his reasoning? If it were Sunhee that forced him into her home, that would would be a completely different story, but it wasn't specified... so I assumed he willingly entered, which would be weird if he didn't have a reason.

Your writing, however, has lots of potential. The way you take the time to describe little details allows the reader to absorb everything at an appropriate pace. I'm actually impressed with your vocabulary and your way with words, especially because English is not your first language. Keep up the effort, and you'll be bound to improve greatly.

Also, good luck with your idol training and college studies! That sounds so exciting! c:

Characters (7/10) :

I really like the characterization of Chanyeol in the first chapter. It was easy to identify what kind of person he was, and the impressions he left on people were identifiable as well. You could tell upon reading that he was a fun-loving and dorky person, like how he is in real life(love him~).  As for the other characters you mentioned like Sehun, Kai, Baekhyun, and D.O., it was harder to get a particular feeling from them because they had little to no screen time. I can't say much about them at all.

Suho's character, on a completely different note, was extremely hard to distinguish. Maybe it's just me, but I had trouble trying to understand his character. I got that he was quiet, kind, and clumsy, but that's all really. He appeared mature and very adult-like in the first chapter, but the second chapter changed it all. He was almost... rash(?) in the second chapter because when she asked why he was , his answer was bluntly because his clothes were wet. If he was the polite gentlemen you claimed him to be in both the description and first chapter, he would have had manners present even in that incredibly awkward situation(in the second chapter). Also, why the heck did he even follow her home?(lol) What's his reason? And why/how does he own a coffee shop with attractive boys only? His family? Right now he's all mysteries.

Sunhee is rather hard to define as well. Since this is written in second point of view, I kind of just pieced her personality together with mine. To me it did seem like she was one of those quiet, hard-working girls that didn't have many friends. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's all I got.

I can't say anything about character development either because there are only two chapters up.   

Grammer&Spelling (5/10) :

Since English isn't your first language, I'll cut you some slack, but you should still know that there were a lot of grammatical errors. When I say a lot, I mean a lot. There are too many to actually list down all of them, so I'll only mention a few(and fix some). I suggest you get an editor/co-author to help you with your mistakes before you publish each chapter, and it would be best if that person were fluent in English.

The one thing that really bothered me was your dialogue. I think Jangmii already went over this with your other review, but I'll mention it as well. I'll quote her: "You don't need to start a new line when you're adding narration after a quote."

You had » "Espresso and iced Americano for table number two"

Chanyeol smiled like the happy virus he is and had put the espresso and the iced Americano in the table as the two frieds looked at him.

Correct Way » "Expresso and iced americano for table number two." Chanyeol smiled like the happy virus he was and put the expresso and iced americano on the able as the two friends looked at him.

You had » "Go deliver these to table number two, sugar high"

You said as you were handing him the simple black tray.

Correct Way » "Go deliver these to table number two, sugar high," you said as you handed him the simple black tray.

After a dialogue line, there should always be a comma, period, question mark etc. There are correct ways to use them. When you have the person directly saying the speech(like: she said, he screamed, they whined, etc), you will finish the dialogue with a comma(and quotation mark) and begin the next word without capitalizing it because you're still continuing the sentence. If you don't have a person directly saying the speech (like in the first dialogue line I fixed for you), then you end with a period, and you begin the next sentence as if it were a new sentence(with the first word capitalized).

Always make sure your tenses are correct as well. Don't mix present tense words with past tense words because that can be very frustrating to follow.

You keep incorrectly using the semicolon too. I believe Jangmii also mentioned this(xD), so I'll quote her again: "One uses a semi-colon when they want to combine two independant clauses that relate to one another."

You had » The last time you let him help you, he  broke most of the ceramic cups; leaving you with mismatched colored cups and saucers.

Correct Way » The last time you let him help you, he  broke most of the ceramic cups, leaving you with mismatched colored cups and saucers.

"leaving you with mismatched colored cups and saucers" is not an independent clause(look here if you're not sure what independent clauses are). Therefore it cannot stand alone on one side of a semicolon.

The next thing that really bothered me was... you kept spelling pajamas wrong in the second chapter(lol). You wrote "pyjamas" when it's really "pajamas".

Now I'll just do a handful of corrections. I'm not going to list all of the errors as there are too many(sorry; again, I suggest you search for an editor).

You had » It was intricately decorated with lace-like wings, moon and clouds in black pattern outlines amidst the cream colored paint of the wall.

Revised Version » It was intricately decorated with laced wings, a moon, and clouds in black patterned outlines amidst the cream colored paint of the wall.

You had » Kyungsoo, was doing the same thing as well; clearing out the mixing bowls in his side of the counter.

Revised Version » Kyungsoo was doing the same thing as well: clearing out the mixing bowls on his side of the counter.

You had » Your heart was beating so fast, something about him was strange, you just can't pinpoint it.

Revised Version » Your heart was beating so fast. Something about him was strange, but you just couldn't pinpoint it.

You had » Its fur was a silky grey, surely it was no a Siberian Husky but it surely looks similar to one; a wolf hybrid maybe?

Revised Version » Its fur was a silky grey. Surely it was not a Siberian Husky, but it looked similar to one. A wolf hybrid maybe?

You had » Your heart was raising but somehow, you felt that you're not afraid of it.

Revised Version » Your heartbeat was rising, but somehow you were not afraid of it.

You had » It was unlike the movies that you watched before.

Revised Version » It wasn't like the movies you've watched before.

You had » His eyelashes were not particularly long but they were still pretty to look because they were very dark.

Revised Version » His eyelashes were not particularly long, but they were still a pretty sight because they were very dark.

These revised versions are only one of the many ways you could have fixed the sentences. Good luck! 

Organization/Flow (7/10) :

The flow and pace is seemingly okay, and I honestly have no major complaints about it. It's just the grammar that really made it hard for me to follow everything. Just like the description, I had to reread multiple parts in order to fully comprehend what was going on.

I'm personally not a fan of second point of view, but your story was tolerable in that sense.

Appearance (5/10) :

The poster wasn't great. It did, however, give me the feeling that the story would have fluff in it, and I suppose it did, so it's not that bad of a poster. The picture also ties in  with the title, so I gave you some points for that.

The way you arranged your chapters was nice as well. It was pleasing to the eye and appeared very well organized.

Enjoyment (8/20) : 

I didn't like it that much. Sorry. The plot just seemed off to me, and everything was rather predictable. Nothing truly drew me in, caught my interest, or made me want to read more. I must say that your writing style is still quite good, and it's obvious how much effort you put forth. Keep writing and improving!

Total : 58/100