Title: Carved In My Skin

Author: ZelomatoXD

Reviewer: PandaChels

Title:  (5/5) Dark, original, mysterious, and gives an insight to the story. Me gusta~! ^_^ (Translation: I like~! Hehe, Don’t mind my Spanish! ;) )

Foreword & Description: (10/10) It’s a oneshot, so I understand that there wasn’t much to put into the small description without giving it away. At first glance, I was going to take a point awat, stating that the description was too similar to other fanfics, but after reading the story, I realized that was the scene everything was leading towards. It really was the end. So, Full points!

Grammar, Spelling, etc.: (14/15) There was a few errors, but not really any. This was extremely well written!

The only thing I would like to point out is that ellipses (…) should only be used with three periods, grammatically speaking.

Plot Line: (19/20) There wasn’t really a plot line since it was more of 2-3 scenes, but those scenes were good and important. The only scene that I questioned the importance was the first scene, yet I feel as though that gave the reader a quick feeling of how horrid his life is.

Flow: (7/10) I personally hate reading 1^st POV simply because I have grown to hate the word ‘I’. The reason is that in 1^st POV, the author has very few chances to use any pronouns besides ‘I’. Towards the end, however, I noticed that you did get away from using the pronouns. Instead, you described the blade going into his skin, which I commend you on.

In addition, I didn’t like that the sentences were so short and there seemed to be no form of paragraphs. I think that writing your stories like a novel is neater looking and more captivating. As hard as it may seem, adding small details and slowing down the story can really add a lot in there. It makes your story longer, gives the reader a better understanding, and it can get rid of the receptiveness of ‘I’.

Originality: (9/10) I don’t read self-harm so I’m not familiar with the terms, yet I will admit that I hardly hear of author’s leaving the main character dead. Moreover, it was a with a twist. Even though Luhan was gay, it wasn’t for Sehun. (Leaving the Hunhan ship behind.)

Characters: (9/10) Ok, here’s the thing. I loved Luhan. I thought that the betrayal that he felt was so honest and real that I could actually get emotional with him.

Sehun, on the other hand, I didn’t understand. I understood that he just up and left his friend, but why…? Also, when Luhan called out ‘Sehunnie,’ it seemed as if they had been really close, which caused me to not believe that Sehun could leave him like that, OR that Sehun picked on Luhan because he was jealous of the boy he had written about in his diary.

Maybe I just read too much into the story though.

Overall Enjoyment:  (10/10) Even though you caused Luhan to DIE, I will admit that I enjoyed this story. Yet another story outside my usual realm that is very well written! Thank you for the read. Also, if you ever DID happen to make a sequel, make sure you send me a link!

Bonuses: (9/10) Honestly speaking, you almost made me cry. I was scrolling down and hopping that Sehun was going to stop whatever Luhan was about to do, but he didn’t. It was sad and heart wrenching.

However, since I didn’t cry I’ll keep that one point! Hehe

(91/100)

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