Title: Cyberbully

Author: Fany2013

Reviewer: PandaChels

Title:  (4/5) The title fits, but I feel like you could have picked a more unique title that would have also fit the story. When I read the title, I thought that the story would be centered on repeated internet bullyung, but it seemed as though it wasn’t that at all, since it only happened once by her brother.

Foreword & Description: (7/10) Although there were some grammar and spelling errors, I am not taking off any points because of that.

Nevertheless, I would like to point out that when I first read your foreword I was slightly confused, and I didn’t know why. After reading it again, I realized why I was so confused the first time: there is a lot of information in that single paragraph. I think that you may have put too much information that may have taken some mystery that could have been added, especially when you disclosed Hyemi and Sehun.

In addition, I think that you may have introduced too many characters at once. At first, I would suggest only telling the readers the main characters, so as not to get them overwhelmed. An idea is that you could also put an excerpt from your story into the foreword so that your story does not become rushed; it would also give a taste of what you have to offer later on in your story.

Grammar, Spelling, etc.: (--/15) I’m not going to count off any because since you aren’t fluent, I don’t think it would be fair to judge you on your English. (Just so you know, I praise you on writing in a language that is not you own. I know some Spanish, but I am nowhere near confident enough to write a story in it, so you are awesome.)

However, I will be showing you some of your mistakes and some tips that will help your English writing.  

If any of my corrections seem confusing, or if you want to ask why I did any of them, please feel free to ask! ^-^

Also, some points that I would like to make:

-When telling a character to do something, there must be a comma after the name. (EX: Yoohee, slow down.)

-Make sure to use punctuation at the end of your sentences or else they will look like run-ons.

-After someone speaks, make sure to put a ‘ ‘ (Space) after the “.

-Before you use the word ‘but’, make sure to put a comma (,).

-When you are showing possession, you must put an apostrophe (‘) on the name of the owner. (EX: Hyemi’s car)

-In many places, you used the word ‘on’ instead of ‘in’, and vice versa. I think you should look up the definitions, so you can understand the slight differences between the two.

Plot Line: (17/20)  At certain points, the story became confusing because it seemed to jump from place to place and it threw me off sometimes. You seemed to be in a hurry and would jump from dinner to the laptop and so on. I would advise that you add some filler chapters in because stories need them to make sure that the story doesn’t go too fast.

Nevertheless, the story entertained me and I found myself enjoying it!

Flow: (8/10) Some of the story seemed a little rushed and I think you should take it slower and relish in the moment of the story, because when you rush into it, the story flies by the reader and it becomes slightly confusing.

My English teacher used to tell us: Show, don’t tell.

That means that instead of telling the reader something (like, it was Yoonhee’s birthday), you could have some dialogue going on where the reader can infer that it is her birthday. The friends could be talking or saying something to her.

OR

You can have the reader able to listen to Yoonhee’s thoughts.

Originality: (9/10) I have never seen a story centered on cyberbullying, and I even searched the website and I think only one came up as cyberbullying. I think this is original and I commend you on making such a widely discussed topic the center of your story. I think many readers can relate to what happens in a way, because we are all too familiar with the term.

Yet, I did have to dock a point since it reminded me of a movie that I have seen, which was called: Cyberbully.

Characters: (7/10) The characters seemed very whimsical(?). The reason I say this is because the characters seemed to have very sudden mood changes, and it wasn’t just one of them.

Hyemi especially bothered me since she got mad at Yoonhee so much, yet, was able to get over it. I understand that they are best friends, but even friends need a way to get over their anger.

Overall Enjoyment:  (9/10) I liked it a lot, but the characters seemed a little too cliché for my taste. Despite that, the story was remarkable and I found it pleasant. 

Bonuses: (10/10) You threw in a few words that I had to look up since they were pretty high vocabulary. I encourage you to continue to use words like that. It shocked me, especially since you aren’t fluent, and you deserve these points so much for using taking the time to look up those words.

(71/85) = 83.5%

Note: Please keep up the good work and as a reminder, please remember to check the ‘disallow text selection’ box once more! Thank you! ^-^

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