Title:  Monsters, Or Saviors?

Author: SheaLovesYou

Reviewer: PandaChels

Title:  (4/5) No denying it, the title fits the story and catches the reader’s attention, however, the ‘o’ is ‘or’ should be lower case. It seems neater as ‘Monsters, or Saviors?’

Foreword & Description: (7/10) So one thing I saw is that there are some regular grammar issues that could be easily solved. If you happen to have Microsoft Word, I would encourage writing the story on there. By doing so, you can change the setting to not only checking spelling errors, but also grammar errors! Believe me; it really helps since English is such a complicated language. >.<

In addition, on Kyungsoo’s description you said too much. Mystery always keeps readers coming back for more. I would suggest not telling the readers their background or if their feeling will change. Instead of saying that his past makes him hate her at first, you could say: Dislikes Jaemi for unknown reasons. (Something to that effect)

You should get a poster! Eye-candy is always a good thing. People tend to stay on a page if the poster shows something intriguing and interesting. Oh, and I did NOT take any points off for not having a poster. This is my personal preference and just felt like I should tell you my personal opinion!

Grammar, Spelling, etc.: (8/15) There were quite a few instances where you were missing words such as ‘a’, ‘went’, ‘he’, and more. In the second chapter, you posted ‘world9’, instead of ‘world’. I would suggest re-reading whatever you post. As authors, we tend to think of a word, but our hands won’t type it.

Also, there were grammar problems, as with every story, but they should be easy to get rid of if you use Microsoft Word if you can. If not, the biggest issue that I found was with commas. Check your commas since they can especially upset the flow of the story. Too much grammar errors can cause the reader to become confused, which no one wants.

Plot Line: (12/20) The plot line is interesting, except for the fact that at certain points it’s too confusing to actually understand what is going on. I get confused and it doesn’t make sense. However, the parts that I do understand make sense and are interesting.

Flow: (5/10) I noticed that you stopped using pictured in your story as you did in the first chapter and I want to commend you on that. Pictures completely mess up the flow of your story. It’s a story, and you need to be able to describe the story.

Also, there seems to be too much dialogue. Well, not too much dialogue, but not enough descriptiveness. You need to convey to the reader what the OC (Jaein) feels and sees. The author should be able to understand her and actually become one with her as it’s going.

Maybe it’s because the chapters are so short, but when you constantly change the point of view, it becomes confusing for the reader. Yet, I think that if you add more description then the changes of point of view would not be too rapid.

Moreover, too much information at once is confusing, and once again takes away the mystery of it. I understand that you didn’t disclose certain information such as whom the ‘prince’ is, but Suho gave a lot of information away when he was talking to her. It should have been more mysterious, like: “There will be certain obstacles where you will have to persuade and change people that you meet. Although, we can’t help you, remember that we will always be with you.” Yet, even that needs cleaning up!

Originality: (9/10) This story is original, although not completely since there are many EXO fanfics about the supernatural and demons, but there aren’t many. Moreover, I have never read one where they are bad turning good and have a past together. Usually, it’s ‘Demon comes out of nowhere and seduces/kidnaps damsel’.

Characters: (5/10) I feel as though I hardly understand the main characters, let alone the minor characters such as the uncle and bullies at school. Although they are minor characters, they still need to have a certain development. Even though people can understand how much Jaein hates her uncle, it would give the reader a more in depth animosity towards him if they actually witnessed a scene where he beat her in description. Empathy would hatch and the reader would love Jaein. This also applies to the bullies.

On the other hand, the main characters weren’t really described at all. Kyungsoo’s part was so rushed that I couldn’t feel any pity for him. I hope this doesn’t sound sadistic, but I actually laughed when I heard the part where his mother laughed because it was so sudden and seemed like something that would happen in a cartoon. (I imagined a tree coming out of the ground that sent her flying into the atmosphere.) By not telling exactly what happened, the reader is left to his or her own imagination.

Overall Enjoyment:  (8/10) Besides the confusion and rapidness of the story, I honestly like the plot a lot. I even subscribed! ^-^ Hehe

Bonuses: (9/10) I am an EXOtic and I used to read a lot about supernatural, but lately I have been too busy to actually read about it, but this story brought back all of my old feelings about the genre. Thank you!

(67/100)

Personal Note: Please don’t be disappointed with this story. Honestly when I first started I got a score like this, but I went back through it and edited the entire story and I understood what the reviewer meant.

Ah, and one last piece of advice: Show, Don’t Tell.

Example:

Tell: She was sad and crying.

Show: Eyes watering, she looked up at the boy in front of her, wondering how someone could take such enjoyment from seeing others suffer. As she locked eyes with him, she saw his lips curl up into a sneer, mocking her very being. With persistent insults being flown at her, she felt the wet warmth leak out of her eyes and slide down her cheeks and trembling lips, leaving stains in their wake.  

Please keep at it and continue to write this story! \^o^/

Also, please re-read your stories if you have the time and make a few correction! ^-^

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