Heart-to-Heart
A Chance to Change the PastA/N: Hi, guys!
First, please don't murder me, but this chapter still doesn't contain Changmin's PoV that you all seem to be waiting for.
Also, I have to confess that I was in a serious dilemma because of this chapter... Just so you all know how I work with these things, I write the whole chapter on the very same day that I'm going to post it as well, meaning I should have written this chapter earlier today.
And I was really in a state of panic about the whole thing right after I posted the last chapter and promised that this next one would be out today. Because I realized that I wouldn't be able to write anything today, because I would be out the whole day with my family for my birthday celebration.
So yeah... I had to spend most of my free time in between my classes this week writing this, instead of doing it today XD
So I'm sorry if gets all little too corny or too cheesy or something like that. But hey, Erin and Changmin have to start from somewhere right? :D
“Shut the door behind you.”
The bedroom was totally dark and I could just make out Changmin’s silhouette sitting on his bed because of the light that filtered into the room from the main suite through the open door and the huge glass wall in the room. He must have gone back there as soon as he had unlocked the door for me.
Changmin was sitting against his bed’s headboard, his legs pulled up and his head buried in his arms, almost as though in a frightened and defensive position.
Defensive against all the pain that he had been experiencing in the last couple of days.
Changmin spoke again in a very gruff voice, his voice muffled by his arms.
“Are you deaf? I said shut the door!”
My eyes narrowed dangerously as I brought my whole body into the room and shut the door behind me. Just like what His Royal Highness had just ordered.
Don’t get mad, he’s just upset. Don’t get mad, he’s just upset. Don’t get mad, he’s just upset, I kept chanting inside my head. Although this self-reminder would have been so much easier to follow now if he hadn’t been acting like this since I met him, even when he wasn’t upset before.
With the door now shut, it was only the moonlight that bathed the two of us and illuminated the room.
I sat down on the edge of the other bed- my actual bed- facing him. I just kept silent, unsure of what to say, and studied his silhouette carefully. It was then that I noticed that his shoulders were shaking infinitesimally.
Oh, dear!, I thought despairingly, all my irritation rushing out of my system and my heart clenching painfully instead for the maknae.
“Uhm,” I mumbled quietly. “I’m gonna go ahead and ask that stupid question in a situation like this… are you alright?”
I don’t know what kind of reply I had expected from him, but Changmin didn’t answer me, either way.
Then, after a while, he slowly lifted up his head, not looking at me, and rested his chin on top of his arms. Even if he wasn’t facing me, I could just make out with the little light filtering into the room that his eyes were red and wet, his tear-stained cheeks glistening.
My suspicions a while ago had been correct. He was crying.
“Changmin,” I breathed out softly.
Without thinking, I immediately stood up and walked across the room to his bed. I sat down quite close to his folded form, making him look at me a bit in surprise.
I hesitated for a bit, before slowly reaching out my hand and resting it on top of his arm. Changmin looked down at it for long time, and I thought he was going to brush it off, but he just simply looked back up at me.
“They left us,” he simply repeated to me in a strangled whisper.
Yeah, that issue was really bothering him, wasn’t it?
“Changmin, listen to me, okay?” I said softly yet firmly. “They left SM, not you and Yunho oppa. There’s a difference.”
“What difference does that make?” he said bitterly, looking away again. I was surprised that he still hadn’t shaken off my hand from his arm. “In the end, no matter how you try to put it, what they did caused us all to be separated!”
“The intent! The intent, Changmin! That's what makes all the difference! When they filed that lawsuit, I highly doubt that it was because they just wanted to ditch everyone in SM, including you two. The only thing they probably had in mind then was the grievances caused by your company and wanting to make the working conditions better. When it comes down to it, your separation didn’t really happen just because JYJ filed a lawsuit; it happened because they and SM weren’t able to reach a compromise in the whole mess…”
He didn’t say anything but just stared blankly at the wall, his eyes still b with tears.
“Why did they leave?” he said after a while so quietly that I wouldn’t have heard him if I wasn’t sitting right beside him.
I frowned disapprovingly.
“Changmin, I already told you. Stop asking questions like that. Those ‘why’ questions can’t really be answered by anyone, save for your future selves. I may be from the future as well, but again, no fan- no one from outside your group, actually- really knows what’s going on inside with you guys. I’m serious, you’re totally going to lose your head if you don’t allow yourself to move on from that!”
“I know that!” he cried exasperatedly. He suddenly jerked back, pulling his arm that I was holding away with him. I thought it was because he wanted to get away from me, but he only just tangled his fingers in his hair, tugging at it hard in frustration. “I just… I can’t understand! I’m trying to understand!”
The pained look and the slightly wild glint in his eyes made me wonder for a second if he was about to go bat- crazy on me just like Jaejoong had yesterday. However, he merely screwed his eyes shut tight, his face contorted in pain.
My heart went out for the youngest member.
“What don’t you understand?” I asked quietly.
He breathed in and out deeply for a minute or so, trying to control all the emotions that he must have been feeling at the moment, before opening his eyes to look straight into mine. “Their reasons for leaving… their reasons for filing that lawsuit in the first place… I don’t understand that. I just can’t wrap my head around them…”
I frowned at him again. “Their reasons for filing the lawsuit? You mean like those that you’re being overworked and underpaid? Changmin, you can’t seriously be surprised about those reasons, can you? I mean, we all know that Jaejoong oppa, Yoochun oppa, and Junsu oppa really don’t approve of your current working conditions with your company right now. They haven’t exactly made a secret of it, have they? Even they themselves are willing to admit their disapproval and dissatisfaction whenever you ask about it…”
“I know those actual technical reasons; those I can actually really understand,” Changmin huffed. “What I can’t comprehend is why that made them leave. I mean, we’re experiencing those same goddamn things now, and the news of the lawsuit shook them yesterday. They weren’t even considering those things yet, that at least was quite obvious…”
I was suddenly hit by the reminder of my conversation with Jaejoong last night.
“Yeah,” I said slowly. “Actually, Jaejoong oppa said something quite similar to that last night…”
“Jaejoong hyung?” Changmin asked, turning quickly to me. “He came out from his room last night?”
“Nah, I talked with him in his room…”
He raised a questioning eyebrow at me.
“Yoochun oppa stayed with Junsu oppa last night. I was with Jaejoong oppa in the first bedroom; I thought he’d need to talk things out with me… and he was even kind enough to let me sleep in his bed,” I explained, adding the last part as an afterthought.
Changmin’s eyebrows suddenly knitted together and his lips pressed into a thin line.
“You slept in Jaejoong hyung’s bed last night?” he suddenly demanded loudly, his pain and anger about their issue forgotten for some reason and replaced by irritation that was very much present in his voice, along with-… there was also something there that I couldn’t quite place…
“Yes?” I scowled at him. I mean, why should it even matter to him if I slept on Jaejoong’s bed? “I mean, I’m not very well sleeping on the other bed. Not when Jaejoong oppa admitted to me the things that he did there with Yunho oppa the nights before…”
“Ohh…” he muttered, looking away. His irritation seemed to have lessened a bit, for some strange reason, but it wasn’t completely gone.
God, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to comprehend how the hell this guy thinks!
“Anyway… back to subject,” I carried on. “Jaejoong oppa said last night that he can’t imagine as well leaving, not even with all the hardships you’re facing now… And it’s really eating him up that he’ll be away from you and Yunho oppa in the future. It’s bothering all of your hyungs, actually… And- and I think you really hurt Jaejoong oppa, Yoochun oppa, and Junsu oppa when you flat out told them that you think that they care more about money and freedom than you and Yunho oppa.”
I frowned disapprovingly at Changmin while he just kept his head down.
“I mean, seriously, Changmin? You don’t really believe that, do you?” I pressed.
Slowly, he shook his head. “No… I don’t…”
“Then, why say it?”
I forced him to say it, even though we already both knew his reason. He needed to hear it out loud for himself.
“Because… because I was hurt…”
“I know,” I said a lot more sympathetically now. “But still, you shouldn’t have lashed out on your hyungs. Especially not when they’re hurting, too. Seeing you like that must have only added so much to the pain that they were already feeling, I can imagine…”
“Oh, yeah, you mean like when Jaejoong hyung shouldn’t have lashed out on and raged at you yesterday?” he snapped irritably.
“Well, I’m gonna admit that what you guys did wasn’t exactly right, per se… but given the situation? It’s perfectly understandable why you’d react like that, though…”
We both fell silent again.
After a while, he let out a shuddering breath, making me look back at him.
“I-It’s j-just that,” he struggled to get out. “I-It’s just that…”
I waited for him patiently to find the words he needed. Changmin was finally going to express how he was really feeling about this whole mess without trying to cover it up with anger. This was excellent progress.
“I-I can’t stand it. The thought of being separated from them in the future? I can’t imagine what life would be like for Yunho hyung and I without them. I don’t want to imagine it,” he whispered brokenly, closing his eyes to prevent his tears from falling again, but they just seeped through his eyelids anyway. “Y-Yoochun hyung was right when he said before that we had done everything together from the beginning. How weird… how difficult would it be for us to do it without the others?... And just thinking about going on and continuing with our careers and our lives as though we haven’t just lost a great and important part of it, like we seem to be doing so in the future? It’s just… oh, god…”
“Changmin, it’s not really like you all just moved on that quickly in the future,” I frowned a bit. “Nobody could say that you can just suddenly start acting like something that horrible didn’t happen. It was quite clear in your early performances and appearances after the split that you were all hurting very much. Heck, your hurt can still be seen even in my time… But of course you guys can’t just stop with your careers, and you can’t really be that obvious about your pain and other feelings about the whole issue. Especially not you and Yunho oppa.”
“That just makes it even worse,” Changmin pointed out. “We’re already hurting so much, and we still have to be professional an
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