Breaking down isn't something I am known for, it's not something I ever want to go through. I am known for being strong. I am me. Yes, I am seeming so overly confident right now because I never prepared myself for this moment in my life. I have never felt this amount of hurt before. I have inflicted so much pain to others that this thing called GOD, if there even is one is making me face the harsh realities of life. That one odd thing called karma, maybe that's what I'm going through. Maybe the only place I'm going now is down.

 

My actions have proven against me, the fulfillment of being able to call her mine was just a figment of my imagination. How can I be so stupid? To think a girl like her would love me, a girl like her to stay, a girl like her who would be there for me. The tears I've shed used to be far in between. Now I feel as if my soul is constantly bleeding out it's happiness leaving only sadness and hurt. As if it is sustaining on hardship and cruelty. It's crying out for help but my body is muffling it's call for enough. It wants to leave it's cage of flesh and bone to rise above all. It wants to be free.

 

My soul longs to be entwined with hers, it's lurching out of my chest. That is what is causing the pain, right?

 

Maybe I can deal with all of this, cry, scream, tear out walls without the pain of her in my mind. Is that possible for me?

 

See, I have a problem. I know how to make people happy, yet I don't know how to make myself happy. I know how to put a smile to her face, but it is never permanent. Why is that? Why is it that whenever I get a chance to prove my love to her I screw it up?

 

And to you all out there, don't I seem redundant to you? Maybe I should just shut up...

 

I sat up quickly in bed, lurching forward before hurling chunks of I-don't-know-what onto the wooden floor. I wiped my mouth wandering my eyes around the messy room for Sunny, yet she is no where to be found. I got up to feel my body off balance, I held onto the wall, digging my nails deep in fear as I made my way to our cleaning supplies. Great start to my morning. Don't you think?

 

I laughed whole heartedly as I cleaned the mess, the ice princess just had to pop into my head.Her cheeks stricken with fresh tears the pseudo Jessica filled my room warning me of my maniacal laughter. My sight blurred and I knew I was crying. My fingers numbed, forcing the feeling of the paper towels below my hands to seemingly disappear. My ears began to ring as my body arched backward laying completely onto the wooden floor.

 

"Hyobaby..." I heard her calling but I couldn't open my eyes to see her. Even if she is my imagination I can't see her. I can't.

 

"HYOYEON!" I felt my body being raised from the ground, a soft hand on my cheek before I had felt myself being jerked left and right. This is real. Right?

 

I opened my eyes to see Bunny holding me, my pile of throw up to her left, and I had to point to it. Of course. I have to warn her.

 

"Oh my..." Those were the only words she said while laying me back in bed. I didn't dare move in fear of her punishment, that little girl can pack a punch. She sluggishly walked back into our room, her soft hands cupped my head setting it into her lap. She hummed lightly, no words. Just her slight melodies from her very perfect lips. I peered ever so slightly up into her eyes, as I met them to my disappointment were closed. Dark circles seemed to play with the ridges of her eyes, telling everyone that she hadn't received much sleep, her tears soon then began to fall and I heard the song she was humming. I know this song... the lyrics played in my head along with her hums...

 

I was hoping that this would last, I guess I was wrong. I planned out a future together but now that's all gone.

 

Another mistake...

 

Another mistake...

 

We're both to blame

 

We're both to blame...

 

so just let this come crashing down,

there's no way to fix it now.

 

We're lost in the crowd...

 

And our love will soon decay

just look at the mess we've made...

 

We both know that we can't stay...

 

I found myself crying along with bunny,

her hands now caressing my cheeks I couldn't get it out of my head.

 

Oh everything we ever had now is empty

 

I didn't want to have to say our goodbyes

 

Baby...

 

It's best we let this go

 

Trust me...

 

It's better if we just let this come cr-crashing down there's no way to fix it now.

 

We're lost in the crowd

 

And our love.... Will soon.. D-d-decay-

 

We both were now broken, it was as if through our touch a gateway opened for her to feel my emotions. We shared the same thoughts, I could tell by the mere features of her face.

 

Should I let Jessica go? Should I give up on the thought of us? I can't fix us... Right?

 

Droplets fell onto my cheeks, I noticed them to be not mine. I pushed out my arm, though weak. I tried to touch her face. My hand contacted her wet cheeks, wiping the glittering tears away from her now flush cheeks.

 

"Bunny... Why are you crying?" I parted my lips enough to speak, to me it was a miracle that she had even heard me. She smiled as her hands ran through my hair, it was now my turn to close my eyes.

 

"I guess it's a mother's intuition? No, maybe it's the fact that I now understand heartbreak? When you watch one of those dramas and they go wrong and all you can do is cry and hit the couch because you can't change it. Yet, I can change this but I couldn't help stop my baby from getting heartbroken. I even pushed you to her..." She sniffled harshly, I opened my eyes to see her push her hand roughly across her sleepy eyes, "god.. I'm so stupid."

 

I didn't care much longer for the pain, I didn't care for the heartbreak, I didn't even care for the fact that I was sick to my stomach. I sat up staring straight into Bunny's eyes, I saw the glimmer of frustration running through her sleep deprived eyes. The eyes of a girl who has sacrificed for the one she loves. The girl she loves is just selfish, so selfish she has ruined so many chances for love, for anything in life, for sustaining any type of relationship.

 

I pulled her tightly into my arms, rubbing her back.

 

"Don't worry about me," I whispered ever so slightly into her ear. She tried to break from from my embrace, she should know that I wouldn't allow that. I locked my arms together so she couldn't move, not tight enough to hurt her but enough to show her I don't want her to leave.

 

"How can you say that? After all we've been through! Of course I'm going to worry!" She yelled, craning her neck back to meet my eyes again, "maybe you don't love me in the same way... Maybe trying to see you happy hurt both of us in the end and maybe I at trying to be your best friend but I can't. I won't ever stop worrying."

 

I sighed knowing that I couldn't possibly change her mind and released her from the hug, "you don't have to worry about me if I'm gone..."

 

I stood up grabbing a couple of my things before walking out of the room.

 

"What?! What did you just say?" I heard her steps quickening out of the door from our rugs into the wooden area of our living room floor.

 

"I'm leaving for a few days Bunny," I calmly repeated slinging my bag onto my shoulder.

 

"What if something bad happens?! Just stay! I'd rather worry with you beside me than if you are far!" She continued to try to get me to stay. No, I can't. I didn't even notice it sooner but I messed up mine and Bunny's relationship too. I am just... A ball of negative energy.

 

I turned and gave her a simple smile before walking out of our apartment door, the gray pavement seemed foreign to me today. But I continued on. I had to, no matter how much it hurt to leave another person behind I had to do this. It frightened me that I could be hurting her more but I'd rather her hate me than her continuing to love me. I didn't deserve her love.

 

I slid my hand across my car, did Jessica really love me or was it just all in my head? Was she just being a typical heiress and it was time for her to throw me away? Why did I have to pour myself out to her? I groaned hopping into the car, I leaned my head across the wheel expecting a revelation or something. Nothing came.

 

I sat up, turned the ignition and drove to the one person I knew wouldn't ask for an explanation. I pulled up to the club not caring if anyone saw because I knew it was closed for the night. Tae wanted to make sure that I'd really rest without worrying but look at me already here. I unlocked the door walking into it, locking it behind me and towards the bar area.

 

One could say this place was beautiful, to me it's bland unless there were groups of people dancing to Liu's vibes at her stand. I smiled and put my things down at the bar once I heard grunts up the stairs.

 

Dara baby~~

 

Did I hear that right? Nana must be here, I chuckled but frowned at what I had done to the “busy” couple up the stairs. I sighed and picked up my things walking to Taeyeon's office, I twisted the knob lightly sliding my way into the dark organized room. Receipts and invoices on the right. Photos of Taeyeon and Tiffany to the left, well not many of those anymore, it's mostly taken by Yoona now. I sat in her swivel chair waiting for the couple to finish. I never realized how awkward this feels now that I'm on the other side of the door.

 

I puffed out my cheeks trying to find my phone, I haven't used this thing in so long.

No one has even called for me, I'm guessing they understood that I won't answer by now. The moans seemed to cease as I looked to the office door.

 

Baby... I'm going to go now, I love you.

 

The husky voice called out but something didn't seem right, why does she always leave? I heard the door close, in reaction I tiptoed towards the office door opening it to see the figure walking down the stairs. It was the same girl I bumped into, I still wonder how Nana looks. Leaning forward to get a better view I fell onto the floor with a grunt. Hyoyeon your so stupid. I mentally kept banging my head.

 

"Hyo!" Dara looked down at me, tears running in her eyes. Why is she crying again....?

 

“D-Dara?” I looked up trying my best to pull off a smile. I heard the front door of the club slam shut, I jerked pushing myself to stand up.

 

“What are you doing here?” she asked me with lost eyes, her hand swept across her face allowing me to see her obvious stained features of exhaustion, “it’s closed today, you need rest.”

 

“I left the apartment, I just needed to clear my head and I have been waiting for a while. I didn't want to disturb you two,” I shrugged turning the light off in the office, “if this a bad time... I can definitely go..”

 

I had to be cautious, as much as I love Dara I understand if she needs to be alone but the only thing I got in return was her thin arms around my neck. She walked forward pushing our bodies tightly together, her quiet sobs seeping tears into my shirt from the night before.

 

“Love... why are you crying?” she looked up at me wiping away the drops before smacking my shoulder. uh oh.

 

“Don’t ask about that! What the hell are you thinking?! You left Sunny alone in an apartment because of what? Selfish reasons! And you come in here trying to figure out how I am doing?!” Her bony finger pointed directly into my chest, “now tell me, what in the hell you think you are doing.”

 

“I.. I just think I am hurting everyone and I need to get away. Dara you are always there whenever I need advice...” I answered truthfully, I have no idea what I am doing and it scares me with the fact that I am stuck in my feelings at this moment.

“Well first, take a deep breath, and come into my room,” she continued harshly, her cheeks now dry she jumped directly on the used bed. I decided on a chair and crossed my legs in fear of sitting on a substance that I would regret later.

 

“What is with that  arrogant pose?” she looked to me with a frown, “now tell me what is wrong.”

 

“Jessica, Sunny, countless girls with no names that I have hurt. I wish.. I wish I could take it all back,” I uncrossed my legs leaning forward so I can stare into the ground. I don't deserve to look into Dara’s eyes.

 

“Well, I can't help you with that,”her tone was so dry and flat it shocked me, I looked up to see her with a smirk, “get the hell out of this room and find out yourself. Talk to Jessica.”

 

“T-t-t-talk...?” I asked receiving only a nod. She better know she isn't getting off easily about her crying but I guess I should do what she wants.

 

-in front of Jung Mansion-

 

I drove up to the gate nervous beyond my mind, I felt like I was in high school again asking a girl to the dance. I pushed out my bottom lip and rang the bell.

 

“Annyeong,” a man called out from the speaker.

 

“ahm... annyeong,” I replied back obviously too shaky to handle.

 

“Hyoyeon-ssi?” the man called out, I had no idea who the person could be.

 

“Ne, who is this?” I asked more confused than ever.

 

“Edwin, you and miss Sunny helped miss Kwon take miss Jessica home. Miss Sunny was apologizing to them and miss Jessica was crying,” Edwin continued on being interrupted by someone in the distance. Is that what Sunny was afraid of telling me?

 

“Edwin-ssi!! Who are you talking to?!” the familiar ice princess’s voice could be heard. I almost choked hearing her very words.

 

“Miss! Are you alright? I will let you in,” the man pushed the button for the gate and the call between us to cut off. I drove forward into the compound passing by the place that seemed so unreal. It was just like my dream. I parked near the entrance stepping from the car to be greeted by Edwin-ssi.

 

“Hello miss, I didn't tell miss Jessica you were coming but she is in her room. Anything you need from your car?” Her pointed to my car right hand forward with his left tightly behind his back.

 

“No, thank you. I will just get it myself,” I pulled a couple of my daily journals as I closed and locked my doors, I smiled at Edwin and walked up the stairs into their home. The stairs curved just as my dream showed but I had no idea where her room was.

 

“Her room is right up the stairs, there will be four doors, one her room, two are bathrooms and the fourth is her sister’s. Enter the first door you see,” Edwin-ssi said behind me. Man, he sure can read minds. I nodded in thanks as I pulled off my converse before touching the cool dark banister.

 

I felt my knees weaken and my pace slow as I came closer to the top of the stairs. My palms felt itchy, probably indicating the arrival of sweat. I lifted my left arm to wipe the sweat from my brow, the pages ruffled as I moved seeing the landing of the stairs. I pummeled myself with questions, doubting myself if I should take the last step. Until I felt a push from the butler, man this guy really has a sixth sense.

 

“Sorry ma’am,” he smiled pointing to a door before walking to the furthest door among the large loft.

 

I walked forward dragging my feet, I knocked lightly expecting no answer. Especially since she always somehow is asleep.

 

“Edwin, I’ll eat later I have to finish this present for Kwon,” she answered a bit too cheerfully. I sighed understanding, the heart wants what the heart wants. That doesn't have to stop me from telling her how I feel does it?

 

I opened the door closing it behind me.

 

“Edwin, I told you-” she turned, her face spoke of utter shock when she saw me standing at her door. I have never been very good with hello faces and I’m sure my face right now is horrifying.

 

“What are you doing here?” she turned around dropping her head. Her voice wasn't icy at all, it seemed so weak, like she had lost all life, what has become of my ice princess. Kwon must have really helped her. I looked to my phone reading the date again from what I saw earlier. February 14.

 

“I just wanted to say Happy Valentine’s Day,” I whispered as I walked forward, “Am I not allowed to say that to you?”

 

Not knowing my boundaries I sat atop her bed trying to keep myself together.

 

“As much as I want to hear those words from you, those are exclusively for Yuri to say to me,” she answered back with attitude. I nodded feeling my emotions I tried so hard to bottle up come pouring from the top. Yuri’s name just shook me as if I was a bottle of soda. I stood next to her banging my hand onto the desk top she sat at, dumping the journals from the first few days we met. I caught eye of things labeled as “My Yuri” that it disgusted me enough to turn away.

 

“Dara told me that I needed to talk to you but I don't know if I have enough strength to do this, I don't know if I even deserve to be here in front of you. You have Kwon and I have what? A broken heart,constant crying, a sick body from being so jealous. That is all I have,” I turned back to face her with streaks down my face that continued downward dampening the carpet below me. I looked down regretting the fact that I looked at her, “I’m sorry for ruining this day for you...”

 

Her hands reached out towards me holding the journal entries, her eyes were watering. I wouldn’t say they looked like mine, but I knew I had to finish my mission.

 

“Read these to me...”