Onew

            “Okay, so, tomorrow we’ll be filming your cute date with Genie. But today, I’m going to give you some tips. Welcome to what I call the ‘Jonghyun y-ay.’ It’s a day of valuable lessons and it is crucial you pay attention,” Jonghyun accosted me outside the bathroom door.

            I raised an eyebrow. “Interesting choice of name you got there,” I remarked.

            He smirked. “You wouldn’t be so mocking when you see how well it works. You’re too awkward. You need to learn how to strengthen up, how to be a man!”

            I shrugged, willing to humor the dino. He seemed pretty earnest and concerned. I suppose if it means getting Genie, it would be worth it. But the Minho channeling has been working so well too. But I guess a change of attitude wouldn’t hurt.

“Sure, I eagerly await your lessons.” He grinned widely, showing teeth and for a second I wondered what I have gotten myself into.

“Lesson number one. You must be classy. You cannot be the boy next door. That is too much like Minho and way too common. You’re someone special, and you need to show her that. On your date, you must take whatever circumstances thrown your way and transform it so that it suits the situation. You’re not allowed to be dorky, only cheesy in a cute way.”

My head started to swirl. All these rules, and I didn’t understand a single one of them. He seemed to sense my bewilderment because he shook his head. “Just come watch me.” He dragged me into an empty room and sat me down. Out of nowhere, he rolled in a blackboard.

“Rule one: Always be a gentleman. Now this is crucial because who wants to go out with a bum? You think you know it all. Hold the doors for her, let her go first, blah blah. But that’s not it! There’s more. You need to defend her, you need to make sure you put her needs first.”

I hurriedly wrote it down in the notebook I brought. I would be needing this. “Rule two: If there’s another guy, mark your territory. I know that sounds like something bulldogs do, and a severe turnoff, but I stress, girls like nothing more than to see that their guy is willing to go to many lengths for them. And you seem too timid for that.”

            I opened my mouth to protest. “Hey! In our show, I still managed to get the girl to like me a bit! And I was perfectly gentlemanly.”

Jonghyun smirked. “You set my girlfriend on fire, dude. That was not cool. She told me she was severely turned off by that, not to mention really disgruntled.” I fell silent, there was nothing I could say to refute that. “Exactly. Moving on. You will be taking her to an amusement park. Please, don’t lose her. Don’t trip over cables. For that, we have a test.”

He led me into the next room which was filled with cables and dangerously low objects hanging from beams. Tiny objects stood in the way with large boxes off to the side and haphazardly placed. What in the world?
            “You need to learn to walk this obstacle course with swagger. Watch me.” He began walking by, with his arms held around an imaginary person and he ducked to avoid the objects, and swiveled with grace. I felt a grudging admiration. For a non-dancer he sure could move well.

He turned back around and smiled at me before promptly tripping. However, he was able to regain his balance and manage to keep the “girl” from falling as well. That was smooth. “Did you see that? You need to learn to use the girl as a balance beam, while at the same time, making sure your weight is not thrown too much so that she falls with you. Like a boss.”

            I nodded, completely mesmerized. Who wanted to be like Minho when you could be so cool like Jonghyun? “Teach me how to do it. Whoa, Onew Sangtae no longer.”

            He walked over and a long box in my arm. “Pretend this is the girl. Now make sure to walk lightly on your feet, walk with more of a glide then a heavy stomping. You need to have grace, and poise. Now make sure you step lightly, and use your skinny body to swivel! You can’t’ act like a hunkering solid piece of rock. Be flexible! Move,” he shoved me into the arena.

            I tried to concentrate, and gripped the box tightly until I heard a sharp whistle. “Stop! Do you want to choke Genie to death? That box you’re holding over there is Genie! Ya, be more delicate. Don’t kill our umma. Resume.”

            I held her firmly like Jonghyun said and navigated the entire course. Some of the tiny objects caused me to stumble slightly, but I summoned a very Jonghyun like smile to reassure my nonexistent partner that everything would be fine. This was stupid but it appeared to be working. At the very last minute, Jonghyun pushed a large stick in front of me and I made sure to skip over it in time.

            He clapped his hand. “I see my lessons are finally having an effect on you. You are slowly breaking out of your clumsiness. Okay, after the amusement park, you will be taking her to see a romantic movie. You need to learn theater etiquette.”

            He wheeled a large screen into the room. Where was he getting all this? He placed two chairs. “Okay. Pretend to be the girl. Go on! Let me show you my charms.” I sat tentatively and he placed an arm around me. It was loose, and wasn’t enough to choke me.

            “First step of this y-ay lesson is to make sure you’re not strangling her. You want her to feel your heat, to feel protected, not caged in. When she looks at you, look at me.” I obeyed and he smiled lazily at me before winking and motioning towards the front. “To avoid looking sleazy, you need to refocus her attention back to the movie or else she’ll think you want more than a happy date from her. When you both reach into the popcorn bucket and you bump hands, don’t withdraw, rather take some and put it in her hands.”

            I scribbled furiously in my notebook. No wonder he got all the girls. This information is priceless. “Okay and if she cries into your shoulder, you tighten your hold a bit and you her hair. But don’t laugh and act macho. That would be insensitive and she would feel shy to cry around you.”

            “After the theaters is the dinner! This here is the final test because you need to show your good manners. That I’m not worried about. But please, Key and I made sure to not send you to a restaurant that served chicken. Because we would scared of how you would act. It wouldn’t be pretty. So now on to ways of eating ily.”

            I cocked an eyebrow. Even eating had to be attractive? He walked out and came back with two plates of food. “Watch me first. You don’t want to seem too formal, so don’t act all prim and proper. But when you eat, bite slowly and chew with your mouth closed. Make sure you stop for a while and just watch her eat. It will make her feel self-conscious but then you can say something cheesy along the lines of ‘I like watching you eat.’”

            I nodded. “But what if I have food on my mouth?”

            He facepalmed. “That would be the worst case scenario. However, that has happened to me once, believe it or not. And I handled it like a pro. You don’t panic. Instead smile and lean forward and make her wipe it. That’s skinship.”

            At the end of the lessons, he clapped his hands. “Test time! What is the main theme of the lessons today? What vibe do you have to convey to the girl?”

            “The whole point is to be cool, yet sensitive and very hot and appealing. You have to make sure that there is a lot of skinship without being too obvious,” I parroted. He nodded, satisfied.

            “Now, let’s see if you can pass the ultimate test tomorrow.”

Genie

            Key approached me and whispered, “Jognhyun will be giving Onew tips today. Basically you will be spending the day at the amusement park before going to a movie and a dinner. I want you to cry during the movies, and I want you to make it really hard for him to not be awkward. The ultimate test to see if he’s really changed is to put him in all the most awkward positions and see how he reacts.”

            I sighed. “Must I hurt my oppa like this? I mean, he’s really not bad as he is.”

            Key sighed in exasperation. “The problem with you MVPs is that you are all too nice and forgiving of his dorkiness. But at this rate, he would never be able to get anyone! You need to think of this as a quest for the greater good. You want your oppa to succeed right? I mean, I’m sure his sangtae is slightly amusing and adorable. But we want him to be SHINee worthy.”

            I nodded wearily. I didn’t want to argue. I liked him just the way he is, but if it makes the rest of the members happy, who am I to complain?