PAST. YEAR 2003 (18 YEARS OLD)

 

INCHEON, SOUTH KOREA. 2005 VACATION; BEFORE SENIOR YEAR. 3 YEARS LATER.

 

So many things has happened again these past years, since Hae Ra left me. Uncle Myung Soo hit a jackpot from his business and became richer, seeing that his restaurant has become well-known to the ears of the people. This is why before I’d go back to the school, uncle decided to go back to Incheon for a vacation, of course, with Jong Woon-hyung.

I was pressured too, because I wasn’t so sure what course I’d take up for college next year. Once, I asked myself what Hae Ra would like me to become, but I couldn’t find any answer.

My friends and I also went into our own ways after we graduated middle school. I went to Kyung Hee High, my current school, while my friends got into their individual schools.  But, we would often meet inside the Seven Melts Coffee shop to hang out and keep us updated about our lives, but these times suddenly became seldom. Yet, we have our communication using Cyworld up until this day.

Their girlfriends? Even before they graduated, they broke up with them. They didn’t go alone very well after all. For my peers, they were okay with it since theirs weren’t really a long-time relationship. It was easy for them. I think now, they are already eyeing some good-looking females in their school.

And if I’d talk about my Jong Woon hyung, he’s already in college, that’s why we don’t see each other often. This was another reason why uncle proposed a vacation – to keep in touch with his busy son.

I also didn’t have connection with Tae Yon anymore. Although it wasn’t much for me, she’d PM me on my cyworld, though I don’t answer her.

During those times Hae Ra was gone, I realized that I don’t like her. This wasn’t the feeling of a man strongly liking a woman. It was love. Those empty times were the ones who made me realize that I was already in love with Hae Ra. I was even more hyped up to see her soon.

 

 

A week has already passed since our vacation here in Incheon started. I even met a new neighbor who had just moved in, who is named Cho Kyu Hyun. Sadly, Jong Woon hyung was still in Seoul for his last few days in college before following us here, so I’ve decided to go out and meet some new friends. Kyu Hyun was the one who accompanied me the past week.

On the times we were together, I decided to narrate to him the story of Hae Ra and I. He was feeling hopeful too. He even praised me for having such a powerful dedication and loyalty to her. Not only that, but he also offered to help me find her. I appreciated his concern and did not hesitate to accept. After a while, he also told me a story from him, about his love life. Way back then when he was in middle school, he really likes this girl who also reciprocates his feelings, but the trouble is she has Leukemia. She passed away three months after. He didn’t move on so fast as she liked him to, but eventually, upon her will he did it. Chan Mi was the name of the girl.

 

***

I woke up at 10:00 AM, took a shower and ate some breakfast before I sat down nfront of the computer. Uncle Myung Soo left a note that he has gone fishing with his old friends while Jong Woon hyung texted uncle that he would arrive this evening. So I was left alone inside our former house.

I opened www.blogjourney.com to check my account. In this site, I let myself express everything I’ve been hiding and let my voice be heard through blog entries. I started posting here since my first year in High School. I told this to Jin Young, and the twins Jo Kwang Min and Jo Young Min. They were my new set of friends in my new school since we were freshmen.

In this site, I was able to lift up some heavy emotional burdens I’ve been having and feeling these past few years. My followers gradually increased as time came, because they thought it was unusual and that my love story was really interesting. Every now and then, they would leave a comment. But ofcourse, I stayed anonymous. I hid my name as Tae Pyung and hers as Jae Mi. They knew nothing about my personal life except those things I’ve publicly posted in my blod entries, even though my blog was gaining popularity.

 

I sat down in front of the computer and started typing my entry for the day.

 

 

 

www.blogjourney.com

 

Ahn Tae Pyung’s Entry

February 2005


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Jae Mi… can you lend me even just one day?

I wish that somehow, during that period of time, we could meet again in another world, where we don’t have to be friends… but lovers.

I cannot bear to watch every day pass by and I still remain in your friendship. I do not want that anymore. I know it maybe a selfish wish, but…

Could you grant it even for just a day?

 

You know, I feel like those days seemed like yesterday. Seemed too hasty, hasn’t it?

There were those times I treasured --- moments when we would have a chance to sit next to each other, and see the bright faces people around us make.

Afterwards, the teasing starts. They would often say they get giddy because we looked like we were perfectly made for each other. I know you took it lightly, even though it makes us uncomfortable.

But you don’t know… you don’t know it was my silent wish

 

Somehow, I know we could manage to stay as friends… just friends

But aren’t I making a fool out of you for not letting you know?

I know, and I will repeat again, that I seem to be selfish, or even stupid too. But it’s because I don’t want to loose you. I don’t want to be far away from you.

Forever.

 

I Love You, Jae Mi

 

Upon finishing my entry, I clicked the ‘post’ button. I smiled at my accomplishment. After a while, comments flooded.

 

‘I hope you’d finally see Jae Mi.’

‘I’m willing to pretend as Jae mi so you’d be happy, Tae Pyung-sshi!’

‘Don’t be sad! I’m sure Jae Mi would read this.’

‘I’m already OTW to find her. I’ll let you know soon! :*’

‘Jae Mi’s lucky to have you.’

‘Your love life is really interesting!’

 

But that they do jot know was I was secretly hoping to find the name ‘Hae Ra’ on the list of commenters. I was wishing she has taken the ourage to let me know she has been here all along. I’ve been doing that for 4 years already, but it was unsuccessful. What Jong Woon said to me came back into my mind.

‘Don’t look for the person who doesn’t want to be seen. It would be really troublesome, and you won’t be able to find anything.’

Even if it wasn’t the best advice that I had received, it was the one of the truths. It seemed like Jong Woon hyung was the one who woke me up from this madness.

In the midst of my thoughts, someone knocked on my door.

“Dong Hae! This is Kyun Hyun! Are we going somewhere today?” He yelled.

“Come in! It’s open!” I replied, and few seconds later he was already beside me. He stared at the PC.

“Is that the blog you were talking about?” he asked. I nodded.

“You know, that’s really popular. The two lady schoolmates whom I’ve seen yesterday told me about that.” He said.

“Did you tell them I was the owner?” I asked them. I was afraid that if they’d find out, my privacy would be broken.

“No. You said not to, right?”

“Good.” I heaved. “This was really popular, all right. It has reached all over Incheon.”

“But Dong Hae, aren’t you terrified that someday, you’ll be publicly known?” He asked. I shook my head.

“No. Only trustworthy people know who I am.” I smiled. He did the same.

“Anyway, where are we going today? Are we going back to the lake behind Hae Ra’s house then to the mall?” He asked.

“Let’s buy Maki, Tempura and Ramyeon first.” I told him and shut down the computer.

“That’s the usual habit.” He commented.

 

***

Yes, I’ve always been buying those foods then I’d keep them inside a lunch box. These were Hae Ra’s favorites, right? I was thinking that if she’d show up here, I’d eat these with her.

I’ve been doing these since last week, but if she still hasn’t showed up, Kyu Hyun and I would eat these. He loves these foods, so I hadn’t much trouble. After that, we’d go into different places.

 

***

After a while, we arrived in front of the lake. I caught a glimpse of her old abandoned house. It was empty and surrounded by sadness. Kyuhyun and I sat down on our usual spot and decided to wait as usual.

“Wait, I still haven’t asked. When did you moved in here?” I asked him. We were both looking out the lake --- the clear crystal water that reflected tranquility upon being shone down by sunlight.

“Few weeks ago. Couldn’t remember.” He replied. We both lied down the grassy terrain, and our arms bent down behind our heads, our hands serving as pillows.

“It was only now that I realized the sky is really beautiful.” KyuHyun whispered. I smiled.

“You haven’t noticed?” I asked. But the calm ambiance was destroyed when an alarming sound was heard. We jerked forward, back into a sitting position.

“What’s that?” I asked. KyuHyun took his phone from his pocket, and it was ringing. Someone was calling him. He stood up.

“Wait. I got this.”

I nodded. He walked a little bit far from me as I waited. I wandered my eyes around, taking in the calming aura of nature as I breathe. It would be nice to be with her here, I mused. But then, KyuHyun came back later.

“Hae, I think I won’t be able to accompany you today. Dad called. It’s an emergency.” KyuHyun, with a worried face, informed. I quickly understood that, although that would mean I’d be alone the whole day. I don’t want to be selfish. But that doesn’t mean I won’t be able to go with him, right?

“Is it alright for me to come?” I asked out of concern.

“It won’t be good. I’ll return for you if I can, okay?”

“It’s alright of you won’t. I utterly understand.”

He nodded.

 

“Good-bye.” He lastly said and ran away. I returned back to my lying position and closed my eyes, praying I won’t be bored the whole day. Upon my sight turning black, random things entered my mind. Has anyone been suffering the situation as me? How is my mother in Heaven? Is she really up in the sky, looking down on me? Can she feel the pain I have been feeling? Is she bothered? I don’t want her to be sad. How is Hae Ra? Is she really okay? How is it that God has given me an overwhelming but intricate situation in my life? What will be my life after 10 years from now?

These unanswered thoughts kept on bugging me. I didn’t mind it as much as what I used to, since now I have been feeling a lot mature. I just put myself in the shoes of a hero of a story, and in a plot where everything would turn out alright. But does that mean everything has this ‘happy ever after’?

After I cleared out this thoughts, thinking it would be more complex if I’d think, I just asked myself those things that would bring me happiness, so I’d do them the whole day.

I pondered and think. Nothing popped inside my mind but Hae Ra’s face.

 

I wondered when I’ll be able to see her again, and then the statement that Jong Woon had given me. I opened my eyes and glanced on the lunch box which was ready to be eaten. I remembered all those happy scenes and those dark times these past year. I thought for a while, making my decision.

Maybe Jong Woon is right. Maybe my peers back then were right. I was stuck and I couldn’t move on. How can I, if I kept on thinking about her?

I looked up the sky. Kyu Hyun was right. It was beautiful. But how could I live a life like the sky if I kept on being stuck with the past? I’ve been torturing myself for too long. I’ve been waiting for so many times. I closed my eyes and thought again.

Sudden clarity came into me.

 

If she’d not show up today, then this is her final chance. It would be the best if I would let go of her. Even if it is painful, I know time would heal all the wounds.

 

“Dong Hae…” I heard a voice. Hae Ra’s voice.

I hit my head, vexed. During the times like this, how could I even manage to have an illusion of hearing her? I must be crazy. I don’t want this. I don’t like this.

“DongHe, if you don’t open your eyes, I’m going to leave!”

I quickly opened my eyes. My vision was blurred at first, but I could see her face. She was smiling over me. My heart raced. I quickly got into my feet upon seeing Hae Ra’s face near mine. I was surprised, as if I have seen some ghost.

 

Is she really here… Hae Ra?

 

She was sitting down and she opened the lunch box beside me.

I must be dreaming! I pinched my cheeks really hard to check. This is real. She is here. Without noticing, I was already smiling.

“Whoaaaa!” She exclaimed. “My favorite foods!” She shouted in excitement. She looked at me before standing up.

“I won’t be surprised that you remembered. What I would be surprised for is that you brought me some.” She said with a smile.

“Let’s eat, okay?” I calmly said. Finally, what I’ve been wishing for had come true.

We sat down again beside each other.

“Before we eat, I’d like to thank you.”

 

And without expecting, she put her arms around me and then pulled me in to kiss me.

At first, I was paralyzed. I was petrified. I couldn’t move. But then I slowly put my arms around her waist and closed my eyes. My heart wanted to get out of my chest. Its beats were loud, as if in any moment I’d die of heart attack. It felt like a withered plant has been given sunlight and water after a long time.

 

***

 

After we ate, we chatted for a while and then took a walk alongside the lake. We also went to the elementary school we used to go. As we go together, we reminisced the memories we had in that place. The guidance office that served as my second classroom for being often called --- mainly because I was trying to take the blames for Hae Ra, or I was defending her from the bullies. There was also the cafeteria, our favorite place in the school, and the bench that we used to stay during our free times. All of these memories came alive, as if we had time travelled through time. After 4 years, who thought we’d be able to come into this again?

 

Few hours later, we dropped by the grotto that we used to visit. A lot of time had passed, and it turned even older.

“Do you remember that I wished here? Do you remember what I wished for?” I asked her when the sight of the flowing water appear on our eyes.

“Yes.” She coyly replied. “It’s me, right?” She continued. I laughed and bowed down slightly, embarrassed.

“I told you back then that I like you.” I replied, and looked at her. She was looking on the grotto. “But now, I’m telling you I love you.” I added. She grined. and then looked at me.

“I think I love you too, Dong Hae.

 

***

A lot of time has passed, and it was already dusk. We dropped by the playground that we used to hang out. She sat down on the swing and I positioned behind her to push her. As we talked, I  suddenly had this weird flash back.

“Back then… I asked you if you’d like to be wedded to me when we grow up, right? Can you remember? You said I was crazy back then.” I told her.

“Yes, DongHae. I can remember that. Do you have plans?” She joked. I stopped swinging her, took something from my pocket, and hugged her from behind. I showed infront of her a necklace with a ring pendant. I bought the ring last week. KyuHyun helped me to choose.

“What is this?” She asked and then I put it on her hand.

“Ring. But I made it a necklace. I just want to assure you that I’ll marry you someday.” I whispered.  Of course, I also have the other pair of the ring. I already have it on. I pulled away and wore it on her. She took the ring and stared at it gaily.

“Thank you.” She uttered.

 

After that, we talked about much more things. I asked her about her grandfather and where she is situated now, But she just said the right time would come for her to tell me everything. Everything has been complicated for her. Of course, I respect her decision.

Another hour has passed. The moon shone brightly ahead of us. She decided it would better for us if we’d return to our homes.

“Where are you going to ride?” I asked her when she stood up from the swing.

“I’ll take the bus.”

“The bus station is near, let me walk you there.” I offered. She nodded, but I quickly sat infront of her, my back facing her.

“Okay then, let me give you a back ride!” I told her with a grin. She laughed.

“Donghae! We’re not kids anymore!”

“What? It’s alright. I’ll get offended if you reject this!”

With much persuasion, she climbed on my back and then I lifted her. She wasn’t that heavy so I haven’t got any trouble. I started walking. She leaned on my back and her arms were tight around me. I felt at ease.

“Dong Hae. Why did you chose to love a woman like me who only knows what to do is to leave you.” She suddenly asked in our silence. I gave a sigh.

“No words can define it, Hae Ra. You are the only lady who had made me insane.” I replied.

“Thank you so much, DongHae.”

“But Hae Ra… can you remember the first time I gave you a back ride?” I asked before another quietude came.

“Can you tell it to me again?” She requested.

“Don’t worry. If you’d become my wife, I’ll do this to you often.” I refreshed these words to her. She laughed.

“Are you dead serious?”

“When have I been not serious about you?” I answered.

And when our words died down, another thought came inside my mind. The course I wanted for college. I needed to ask Hae Ra, but she doesn’t need to know it was my objective.

“Hae Ra, what do you picture yourself when you grow up?” I asked. She seemed to have been taken a back a little.

“Me?” She asked. “I want to be married to an architect and live happily.” She answered. She might have misinterpreted my question, but that atleast gave me the answer.

“Why is that?” I was curious.

“I wanted to live in a house where he’d design it elegantly.” She simply said.

“But I don’t want to be an architect!” I joked. She laughed.

“You crazy!” She remarked. “It was my former dream.” She added.

Laughter was brought among us, but we haven’t realized that we had already been on the bus stop. Exactly, there was the next bus coming on, so she got off me. I gave her a paper from my pocket, with something scribbled on it.

“My phone number. Contact me, okay?” I told her. Since she doesn’t want to give me any of these, I decided to give her mine. She smiled and nodded.

I glanced at the bus driver, who seemed to be waiting for her.

“Alright. Good Bye.” I said and gave her a kiss on her cheek. She hugged me before getting on the bus. I saw her sitting down the seat beside the window, and her gaze was for me. I smiled and waved a hand at her, and she did the same. I watched her as the bus began to hit the road.

 

***

When I got home, I saw uncle Myung Soo and Jong Woon hyung watching tv inside the living room. Hyung finally came in. They greeted me with a smile.

“Uncle, hyung!” I greeted them back with a bow. “I wanted to tell you something.” I said straightaway and then sat down beside them.

“Uncle, I know what course I want to take.” I told him. They looked at me, waiting for my words. I sighed. “Architecture.”

The nodded as their approval.

“Alright, if that’s what you want.” Uncle answered.

 

***

 

The following day, I planned to take Hae Ra into a sushi restaurant. I’d wait for her beside the lake with Kyu Hyun, I’d let him meet her, and after we’d eat, I’ll take her to Uncle Myung Soo. Yesterday, I didn’t tell the two that Hae Ra was here, because I’d like to surprise them.

I woke up happily, and when I already performed my morning rituals of fixing myself. I dressed up and went to the lake with Kyu Hyun.

“Have you really seen her?” Kyu Hyun asked as we were getting nearer our destination.

“Yes. You’ll meet her later.” I smiled.

And when we reached the lake, we started to wait. Though there wasn’t any assurance that I’d see her, I have this huge feeling that she’s going to meet me here again after declaring to me her feelings yesterday. It’s impossible for her to leave me, right? She loves me. She said it. I shoved away those negative thoughts that I won’t be able to see her. Even if it was visible in Kyu hyun’s face that he pities me.

The sun was slowly going towards its peak, indicating noon. I heard my phone ring, and the caller id was from a public phone.

“Hello?”

“Dong Hae, this is Hae Ra.”

I stood up from being seated while Kyu Hyun kept on throwing stones, making them jump from the surface.

“Hae Ra, where are you?”

“You don’t need to know, but I need to tell you this might be the last thing between us for now.”

I felt agitated and raged upon hearing her words.

“What?! But Hae Ra---“

“Don’t worry. My feelings will never change for you, Dong Hae. I just don’t know when is the right time for us to be together, but I will wait for it. I hope you’d so the same.”

Tears of mixed emotions came streaming down my face.

“I love you so much, Hae Ra…”

“Thank you for being like this, Dong Hae.”

And the line was cut. She has hang up. I looked at my phone. I didn’t know which to feel. Should I be angry? Mad? Happy? Hopeful? Annoyed? Understanding?

KyuHyun noticed me and approached me, disturbed.

“You’re crying. What’s wrong?” He asked. I bowed my head from him.

“Let’s go.” I started to walk. For a moment, I didn’t mind which path I’ll go. I just wanted to walk, to take everything off my mind. My sight became blinded.

“But wait, Hae Ra---“

I stopped temporarily before I continued walking.

 

“She’s not going to come anymore.”

 

***

It was already night, and I wasn’t able to become aware of the fast-paced nature. I was sitting infront of the computer again, the sound of keyboard filling my ears. I know that if tonight, I let this burden out, tomorrow I’ll be okay and I’ll continue to wait.

 

www.blogjourney.com

 

Ahn Tae Pyung’s Entry

February 2005


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I caught a glimpse of your face yesterday… there was a brief stop of time

I know my world delighted was delighted. I think that wishing wasn’t a huge crime

But tonight, why does it seem like I couldn’t even fake a smile?

Hae Ra had come yesterday… but now… I know she’s already far away… a hundred miles.

I feel pity… I feel dejected… I wanted to halt everything

Is it a sin to hope we’d finally get a time together…?

But because of my love for her… Jae Mi, I won’t be nothing.

I’d be with you someday… I’ll never say never…

 

Wherever you are, Jae Mi, I’ll just let you know I’m waiting.

Until our next meeting.

 

 

Once again, I clicked the ‘post’ button.