PAST. YEAR 1995 (10 Years Old) (II)

 

I reflected. What do I want to wish for?...

 

To finally see my dad? Wait. I’m not even sure if he’s in Heaven or on Earth. Or for my mom to be resurrected? But I don’t want to her to suffer anymore if it meant to live with her with that disease again. She’s already at ease to wherever she is. I don’t want to meddle.

 

What do I really want to wish for?...

 

And as I asked that unanswered question to myself, Hae Ra’s image popped up on my head.

 

Thinking about that, I realized some things. I want to be with her forever. I want us to grow up together, and watch everything she does. If only this would happen, I would be the luckiest person on the face of the Earth.

I kept Hae Ra image in my head and smiled. Suddenly, I felt something strange was happening to my chest. My heart jolted, like it wanted to get out. It was beating fast, but it felt really good…

 

But how could I be such heedless of this feeling? Is it because it was only now that I have come into this? Yes, I like her because she is my friend… maybe because she was my friend.

 

Nevertheless, I cannot stop thinking that this wasn’t what my heart was telling me.

I opened my eyes and gazed at her. She was still concentrating, with her eyes closed, while holding onto her leaf.

All at once, I thought of these years I was with her. From the first time we met under the rain, those countless times she had made me happy, those days I was very excited to see her, and even the most vulnerable event of my life --- my mom’s demise. All of those memories came back into me one by one. I smiled unknowingly.

 

Maybe I really like her. The kind of like when you wanted to be with her forever, and you kept on being aware of this deep feeling.

 

Wait. Maybe like isn’t the right word. Maybe it’s love... I love her?

 

But why is it that only this time, I have realized this?

 

I looked at the gushing water of the clear river, glowing like crystals upon the sun ray’s presence. The warm breeze. The tranquil ambiance. This led me thinking back to the question that has been left hanging in my mind for few seconds.

 

What is that one thing I’ve always wanted? Isn’t that what I am supposed to wish for?

 

I closed my eyes again and finally let go of my leaf, whispering my wish to the winds.

 

‘Even if it may seem inconsiderate… All I know is… I want to be with Hae Ra forever.’

 

Letting those words out, I felt at ease.

 

“You finished?” I heard that sweet voice once again, and I opened my eyes. I nodded at her, with a smile.

“Yes. Hey, look! My leaf floated!” I yelled, amused. I watched my leaf stay of the surface of the water. Then this would mean my wish would come true!

“My turn.” She uttered and let go of her leaf. But afterwards, a wave of dismay covered the entire aura. I looked at her.

“Hae Ra… your leaf…” I couldn’t help feeling sorry to her. But in spite of that, she managed to face me with a radiant smile.

“It’s alright, DongHae. My wish wasn’t that really important.” She told me and started walking away. I glanced at the sunken leaf and followed her.

 

“But Hae Ra, I’m not happy with this!” I protested. I picked up a leaf I saw near my feet and gave it to her.

“Here. Make another wish.” She accepted it, but dropped it after.

“Thank you, DongHae. But it really isn’t that significant.” She replied, and continued walking. Somehow, a part of me believed her.

 

***

 

“But Hae Ra… can I ask? What was your wish? Pretty pleeaaassseee?” I persisted, with huge grin on my face. I sat down on the swing and she laughed. The sun was already disappearing and the sky has been getting swallowed up into darkness little by little. Before we go home, we decided to drop by the play ground to grab some fresh air.

 

“The leaf sank because my wish was impossible.” She answered. She sat down on the end of the slide, which was near me.

“And what is it? You don’t want to know.” She added.

 

I smiled at her and looked up the sky. I wondered if my mom was watching me. If she was, then she must be really happy that I was merry too.

 

“Aren’t you going to ask me what I wished for?” I told her, feeling a little huffed.

“Okay. What?”

“You.”

 

She was puzzled.

 

“Me?” She chuckled. “What about me?”

“I know we’re still young. But…” I searched for appropriate words to say.

“But?”

“ I want you to know, Hae Ra… that I like you.”

 

“You are my best friend, DongHae. You should like me. And I like you too. Because we’re friends.” She giggled, and looked up at the sky.

“No. I mean I like you. I want to be with you until the day I go to Heaven.” I explained. She glanced at me.

“We’re still young, DongHae. Say those things when we are already like your uncle, okay?” She uttered.

“So this mean we can also be wedded someday?” I told her. Well, mom told me once that it was what adults do when they want someone to be with them forever. Although I’m not sure what it quite do.

“Wedding?! You’re really something, DongHae.” She laughed again, but this time she stood up and wandered her eyes around.

“Let’s go home, alright? It’s getting late. Granpa doesn’t know we went here.” She said and I stood up.

“But aren’t you getting tired of all that walking?” I asked her.

“Now that you mentioned it. I do feel a little weary.” She answered and was going to start walking when I sat down infront of her, facing away.

 

“Let me give you a special ride on my back.” I told her. She was taken a back.

“B-But our house is a little bit far… and I know I’m heavy!” She opposed.

“But don’t worry. If we do get wedded someday, I would do this to you every time.” I replied. “So now I want you to get used to this. If you ride somebody else’s back, I would get mad at you.” I continued, joking around. In a while I felt her climbing onto my back.

“Hold on tight, okay?” I told her and I stood up. Hey, she’s not that fat.

“Thank you, Dong Hae.” She whispered to my ears and I started walking.

 

I walked home with an inerasable smile portrayed on my face. I kept on mind that Hae Ra will be the only girl I want to do the marriage with, and the only one who  I will love until eternity.

 

 

***

 

I got home and Jong Woon was waiting by the door. He is uncle’s son and my cousin. I has always been used calling him Jong Woon ever since we were young, but most people called him Ye Sung, his nickname at school, for being famous for his art-like voice. We are really buddies, and we get along well. He was waiting by the door of the restaurant, since the house was behind it.

 

“Sorry, Jong Woon hyung. I wasn’t able to come home early.”

 

“It’s alright. I made up an excuse for you. I said you were with Hae Ra, doing some assignments.” He replied. I ran to hug him, glad that he was there for me.

 

“Thank you! What would I do without you?” I wanted to shout, but then that would catch my uncle’s attention. So in my whisper, there was a lot of joy contained.

 

“Okay, get off me before I choke. I know you’re thankful.”

I let go of him.

 

“Where is she anyway?” He continued. “You were with her, right? Isn’t she going to join us for dinner?” He asked.

“She fell asleep on my back as I was planning to ask her. Jong Woon hyung, don’t worry. There’s always a next time.” I guaranteed to him. It was because he was used to seeing her with me to come home for dinner.

 

Jong Woon put a hand on his waist, his facial expression projecting something that was about suspiciousness.

 

“Hey-hey, tell me. Are you really friends with her, or do you like her? There isn’t almost a time when I see her without you!” He whispered, folding his arms across his chest. I smiled slyly at him.

“I’ll tell you later.” I put my arm around his neck and we walked inside the restaurant together.

 

***

 

“Yah. Lee DongHae! Admit it! I know that it’s impossible for you to keep in ignoring those feelings. You’re really transparent, aren’t you? Maybe it was she who was unsusceptible about it.” Jong Woon uttered in a much higher tone, more like a warning.

“Is it really true? My, my. You’re growing too fast.” Uncle Myung Soo added. I smiled at them.

 

The restaurant was already closed and uncle has made us some dinner. We sat down on the vacant seats – I was beside Jong Woon and uncle was across me. On the table infront of us were plates of Bulgogi, one spicy, and stewed beef. Its aroma was really nice, and it was only then when my body signaled me I was hungry.

 

“Dad, he’s inlove.” Jong Woon rolled his eyes, as if he has predicted and knew it all along. He sipped on his soup and we continued eating.

“Lee DongHae.” My full name sounded strange in my ears when uncle said it. “There’s nothing to hide in this house. Tell us the truth, okay? You don’t know… we might help you about some things about it.” He added. I thought about what he said. Ofcourse, it is really unfair for them not to know. They had always been telling me stories since I moved here, that I almost knew their family tree’s history. But then, I must also keep my doors open for him. I put my hands on my lap and dried the sweat on my pants.

“Uncle… yes. I… I like.. I like Hae Ra.” I fidgeted, trying to get those words out.

 

The ambiance became quiet. I thought uncle was expecting me to say the otherwise, that was why he kept on pursuing me.

 

“Uncle—“ I started.

“It’s alright, DongHae. But mind you, don’t flunk your subjects.” He cut me off. I took a good look on their faces and I could sense approval from them. I smiled again, relieved.

“Monkey, don’t let love get in your way, okay? It’s good to see you grow up. Don’t be afraid about it, okay?” Jong Woon said without looking at me but to the food. He has nicknamed me monkey to annoy me, but it didn’t really matter to me anyway. What mattered was I couldn’t give him nicknames, because he is older by one year, and it is against Korean tradition to insult an elder. Even if we vex each other a lot, we do not fight.

“Yeah, Jong Woon hyung. I promise.” I replied and fathomed his good intentions --- that he was really concerned about me.

 

***

 

But ever since that night… and the next day that followed, I didn’t see Hae Ra anymore.

 

It was boring a deep hole in my heart… but for her, I battled the pain.

 

Every day, I would visit her favorite places, the ones we would always hang out to. I was hoping to see her there, waving a hand at me, or even hear her call my name. I didn’t give up finding her. I would also drop by their house everyday, but it was already empty.

 

She left since the day I confessed to her.

 

I even asked the people who possibly knew where she was, but they also do not know. Hae Ra didn’t attend school anymore, and one day I found out she already dropped out. I asked out principal why she had to do that, and where she could possibly be, but she doesn’t know anything too.

 

From time to time, I would think if it was my entire fault. That she left because of me, because she was scared. Maybe because she doesn’t feel the same way about me, and she doesn’t want to ruin our friendship, so she chose to escape. Maybe this was the reason why she was gone in a blink of an eye. Maybe she doesn’t want to see me because our strong bond had been mixed with awkwardness. Maybe she thought that when she would go away, I would eventually forget my feelings, and I would realize I had just mixed it with our friendship, or maybe she just needed some space.

 

My mind was clouded with so many reasons, that I do not know which to believe anymore.

 

I even asked my mom in heaven, and talked to her, yer that only seemed to make me a bit better.

 

But whatever I think, I won’t cease searching for her. Until I finally knew the reason coming out from .

 

 

 

Time quickly flew away, as I didn’t perceive how many times have I changed calendars. I was still looking for her. But as the end of the second semester came, uncle Myung So and Jong Woon have decided to move to Seoul because that city has better opportunities to earn money. I do not have the right to oppose them for a self-centered reason, right?

 

But even though this obstacle has come, tracking Hae Ra would not come into a halt.

 

Before we leave, I put little white envelopes in the places we used to go, and it contained our address in Seoul. Maybe… Just maybe if she’ll come there, she would see this, and look for me instead.

 

The last place I put the envelope was the temple-like edifice, which has a grotto inside. Before I finally stepped out of the building and welcome a new life in Seoul, I wished on it.

 

 

 

‘I hope… I wish… I beg that wherever Hae Ra is, she is safe --- and that I would soon find her in my arms.’ I mumbled.