PAST. YEAR 2000 (15 YEARS OLD) (III)

There is something missing, I told myself.

I woke up and that immediately came into my mind. I didn’t wake up happy, just like when I was assured that I would see her today. I didn’t know why I was like this. It was really weird.

After I was dressed up in my school uniform, I bid my uncle Myung Soo good-bye. When I opened the door, I tripped down accidentally. Omo, my clumsy condition came back, I sighed. This was the reason I looked like a wimp when I was a child. It was as if I have some balancing problems, though I don’t have one. Before I stood up and dust myself, I noticed a white envelope. There was a hand-written name on the back, and it was mine again. It was Hae Ra’s writing. I thought she was going to thank me again for yesterday, or she has decided to write me a love letter – a letter she hasn’t given me before. But it doesn’t feel right. I hastily picked it up, unsettled. I didn’t know why.

I opened the envelope and saw a letter inside.

My Lee Dong Hae,

 

                        Hello! Umm… How are you? Haha. What is this? I don’t know how to start this letter. Firstly, I want to thank you for the brief time that you gave to me so we’d spend some time together. Sad to say, but I think I won’t be able to come back to Seoul. I’m sorry, but my departure this time is very urgent. I couldn’t say where I am going, or where I will live. What I could say is I’m going in a really far place where you couldn’t come with me. Yes, in the outer space. In the planet where people haven’t discovered yet.

 

                        I don’t know if I’ll come back, Dong Hae. If I could, I would definitely find you.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 --> Hae Ra

I ran outside suppressing the tears and pain, wishing she hadn’t gone that far. I wandered my eyes around, tensed. No signs. I galloped towards the tree where I first saw her, but she wasn’t there. I tried and tried to find her, but she was a needle I was going to find in a mountain. Tears escaped my eyes, unable to be held back.

There is something missing, I told myself. And I was so stupid not to have realized it earlier. I should have guessed last night that she wasn’t going to come back because she didn’t say anything like ‘let’s meet again tomorrow, okay?’ . What she had given me was her good-bye. I should have stopped her right there. I could have asked her if I’ll meet her again. I couldn’t help but to blame myself for what happened.

***

Few days… few weeks… few months. All of these passed by, but she hasn’t showed up, even a shadow from her. I looked for her every where. In the arcade, imagining that she has missed those addicting games and decided to go by herself. Then inside the mall, thinking that she went window-shopping by herself. Then, inside the coffee shop, maybe having a drink. The last stop, infront of the tree, where I had seen her. Maybe she was waiting for me, lying low again.

She wasn’t anywhere from these.

I could feel my friends’ sympathy to me. They didn’t know how to raise my spirits up. They didn’t know how to give me a hand --- because all they know is that only Hae Ra could let that happen. And they are right.

One time, I heard these words from them. ‘Dude. Just move on.’  Out of all the words they had given me, these struck me. As if something inside me was shaken.

When she left, it was as if I was brought back into a tricky maze where I don’t know how to get out. It was like she took half of my everything when she left. The optimism inside me shattered. But I know I’m not that kind of guy who’d give up easily. I know that I’ll be able to see her again.

I know I will.