I never knew how many sunrises and fireworks have passed since the moment I waited for her.

I carefully walked towards a huge window by the right portion of this white room, and held the onto the window frame. These past days I knew I had to use a walker for support although it is really unnecessary.  Ofcourse, I wanted to try and walk on my own. I may have a state like this, but I know I am not weak. I can do it. Overlooking the view of a cold and refreshing river, a sweet and gentle smile formed on my face. A reflection among the window’s glass existed. Somehow I got confounded and saw an old man.

But then, I suddenly realized that that old man was I.

Out of the sudden, I reached for my wrinkled face and examined how thin my skin had become. I was brought back to the reality —that my obliviousness had led me out of the track of time. The hour hand of the clock had made so many rounds that I didn’t even bother to notice it. I tried to approximate how much change has already occurred, for it seemed like yesterday I was just blowing candles.

I pulled up the windows and the fresh breeze from outside bombarded in, filling the room.

Outside, cold wind occupied the surroundings and fallen leaves had flown few miles away from which tree they have been unattached. The sun have hid itself among the huge clouds floating above the sky. Bald tree trunks with empty branches were abundant alongside the riverbank, which exists behind this edifice. Their beautiful leaves had turned orange and fell, suggesting that autumn had come for Seoul’s season. It was a tranquil day at this suburb part of Seoul.

This was when I was reminded again where I was.

Knocks on the door had been heard, which drove me out of my train of thoughts, and in few seconds someone was already inside my room. She brought a tray of delicious foods, served with a friendly smile.

“Good Morning, grandpa.” It was a woman wearing all white, and a cap that looked like for nurses. I couldn’t remember why she needed to be here or why she needed to bring me food.

“Ah, yes. Good Morning.” I replied, turning away from the window. She assisted me back to my bed, and set up the table for breakfast in bed. Meanwhile, I couldn't take my eyes off her. My head was full of queries, and she seemed to have sensed it. She chuckled.

“In case you’ll ask me again like yesterday, you’re here so that we could take care of you, okay? We will not harm you. We promise.” She flashed that pure smile. But she didn’t need to lie. Somehow pieces of information retained. Maybe she hid me from the reality so I couldn’t hurt myself.

“I remember. I am in a House for the aged, right?” I almost forgot this fact. I admit, and I would forget this. Sometimes I believed that I was at home, sometimes at the hospital.

Her smile almost faded, but she tried to keep it up.

“But I’m here, okay? Don’t be sad. I’ll be here to take care of you, grandpa. I’m the nurse assigned to take care of you, and I promise you, I will not make you lonely.” She said. I smiled, assured, as she gave me a glass of milk to drink. I looked around the room. A bathroom over the right side, the door on the right corner of the room, and a bulb shining above me. Yes. This was suddenly so saddening, but it was better than anything.

The nurse stood up and attempted to close the window, but I spoke.

“Please don’t close it.” I told her. She looked at me.

“But aren’t you getting a little bit cold?”

“No, I’m fine. Thank you for the concern but I like it this way.” I replied. She gave me a tight smile and stood to where she was standing earlier. I finished my milk and gave her the glass. I started eating the bacon and egg breakfast silently, munching every bit of it. Funny to think of it, but I thought I might need many foods upon being put into a coffin.

My eyes would wander around the room every time I munched, and I noticed the only picture frame displayed along an empty shelf beside the bed. I swallowed my food quickly and spoke.

“Nurse. What’s that?” I asked, out of curiosity. I pointed at it as she stood up and fetched it for me. I held on the frame and saw that it was a printed entry. I began to read.

www.blogjourney.com

 

Ahn Tae Pyung’s Entry

February 2005


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Jae Mi… can you lend me even just one day?

I wish that somehow, during that period of time, we could meet again in another world, where we don’t have to be friends… but lovers.

I cannot bear to watch every day pass by and I still remain in your friendship. I do not want that anymore. I know it maybe a selfish wish, but…

Could you grant it even for just a day?

 

You know, I feel like those days seemed like yesterday. Seemed too hasty, hasn’t it?

There were those times I treasured --- moments when we would have a chance to sit next to each other, and see the bright faces people around us make.

Afterwards, the teasing starts. They would often say they get giddy because we looked like we were perfectly made for each other. I know you took it lightly, even though it makes us uncomfortable.

But you don’t know… you don’t know it was my silent wish

 

Somehow, I know we could manage to stay as friends… just friends

But aren’t I making a fool out of you for not letting you know?

I know, and I will repeat again, that I seem to be selfish, or even stupid too. But it’s because I don’t want to loose you. I don’t want to be far away from you.

Forever.

 

I Love You, Jae Mi

 

 

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“You look like you’re going to cry. Is everything okay?” The nurse asked. My eyes did become a bit watery  after I read it, but with all my might, I tried to keep composure.

“Yesterday seemed like a long time ago after I read this.” I sighed. I handed her the frame and let her read, seeing the signs of curiousness in her facial expression. And after few minutes, she was finished. She placed it on the bedside table.

“That was really something, wasn’t it? That man must have not gathered up enough courage.” She commented, but I didn’t mind it.

“Do you think any girl, whom he addressed the letter to, would be touched?” I asked her, wondering. She nodded and smiled.

"But can I ask you a question? If you don't mind." She uttered.

"Go on."

“Who is Ahn Tae Pyung?" She asked. I fell silent, as if I didn't want to answer her question. Bit she spoke again.

"Is he a friend of yours?” She added.

“Ahh. No." I chortled. "But I know him well enough. Do you want to hear his story?”

She nodded again, amused.

I took a deep breath and veered my eyes towards the windows...