He flipped the page over, maybe hoping to find something that said ‘You just got pranked!’ or ‘Ha! Gotcha!’ But I knew what was coming next, and it wasn’t going to make him laugh.

He continued reading, “Ways to kill myself...”

“Kikwang, please, I-”

“Jump into a plane propeller, burn to death by setting off fireworks on my twentieth birthday, run away and starve in the mountains, drink a bottle of poison...” He looked at me again, and the words barely escaped his mouth, “...Hyosung?”

“I can explain,” I stuttered.

“Oh good. I’d love to hear your explanation,” he said, crossing his arms.

“I was waiting for the right time to tell you, and was thinking of the proper way to say it,” I replied.

“And when exactly did you plan on telling me?” he snapped.

“Kikwang, please don’t be mad,” I pleaded, placing my hands on his shoulders. “How was I supposed to tell you? I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“You didn’t want to hurt me? Oh, here’s an idea: Don’t kill yourself!” he yelled, shrugging my hands away. “And you thought postponing it until the day you actually kill yourself would make things easier on me? You already have me hooked! I love you, Hyosung!”

“Then why are you yelling at me...” I muttered softly, avoiding his angry eyes that were piercing into me.

“What am I supposed to do?! Am I supposed to let things go and keep dating you until the day you kill yourself?! Don’t you think you’re being just a little bit selfish?!” he shouted.

“I was going to throw the list out so you wouldn’t find it like this!”

“So what? Does that make everything better?” he scoffed. “Oh wait, it makes it better for you so you don’t have to find it in your heart to tell your own boyfriend!”

I knew I was wrong. I knew I was the one at fault. He had every right to yell at me.

But I was still hoping that there was a part of him that could forgive me.

He shoved me aside and frantically said, “I have to think by myself for a bit.”

“Kikwang!”

“Don’t follow me,” he snapped, slamming the door shut.

I threw myself on the bed and buried my face into my pillow, hoping it would prevent me from crying. That attempt completely failed, as I just drenched the pillow in my tears for a while.

I don’t know why I was the one crying though. After all, Kikwang was the one who was hurting. I’ve been with him for so long, and he had to find out this way?

But he wouldn’t understand if I told him my reasoning...We have completely different outlooks on life, and trying to reason with him wouldn’t work.

“AHHHHHHHHH!” I shrieked into the pillow.

“Hyosung, are you okay, dear?” Mrs. Lee asked, peeking through the bedroom door.

I quickly wiped my eyes and nodded, “Yeah, I just saw a big bug on the bed.”

“Then why is the pillow wet with tears?” she asked, smiling gently. She sat down on the bed next to me. “Why were you crying?”

“Kikwang didn’t tell you before storming out of the house?” I muttered in between sniffles.

“He just said he was heading to Joon’s house, but I never caught a glimpse of his face,” she replied. “You can cry on my shoulder if you want.”

“No, it’s fine,” I replied. “I don’t want to ruin your clothes, and this pillow is fine.”

“Actually, that’s Kikwang’s pillow,” she chuckled. “I don’t think he’d want to sleep on a pillow drenched in salty tears.”

“Oh, sorry,” I mumbled, throwing the pillow to the side.

Mrs. Lee put her arm around my shoulder and said, “Did you two have an argument over something? Don’t worry, that’s normal in young love.”

“It wasn’t just any argument, though,” I replied. “He found out about a secret...a really big secret that was never meant to get out for a while.”

“What was the secret? That is, if you don’t mind me asking,” she said.

“Well, it’s already out, so I might as well tell you,” I sighed. “I had a ‘to-do’ list, and one of the things was that I wanted to die.”

“Oh...” she said in almost a whisper. “You mean, like when you’re old right? Like in your nineties?”

“More like in my early twenties,” I muttered.

She sighed and patted my back. “Hyosung, I don’t want to yell at you, okay? I’m pretty sure Kikwang would have covered that, or else I wouldn’t have found you crying. But I just want to know why.”

“I don’t want to live life wasting away doing work or staying alone in a nursing home,” I explained. “Everyone says to live life to the fullest, but why don’t they follow through with it? It’s like selling out.”

“So in other words...You don’t want to grow up?” she asked.

I thought about it for a moment and realized she had a point. All this time I thought I had excellent reasoning that seemed so logical, when in reality, it sounded pretty stupid.

“Well when you put it like that, it just makes me seem immature and ignorant,” I frowned.

“I’m not trying to make you look stupid,” she replied. “I just want you to open your eyes and see the big picture.”

There was a part of me that totally understood what she was trying to get at. But another part of me was screaming, telling me not to listen to it. I mean, I’ve been trying to convince myself that my perspective was the right one, and throwing it away like that seems strange.

Kikwang suddenly burst through the door with an anxious look in his eye.

“Kikwang, what are you doing back here so soon?” I asked.

He didn’t bother answering and instead, grabbed my hand forcefully and dragged me out the door.

“Yah! What are you doing?” I snapped.

“Don’t talk,” he said bluntly. Upon leaving the house, I saw Joon’s motorcycle in the driveway. Kikwang took one of the helmets and tossed it to me as he put his own on.

When we got on the motorcycle, I placed my hands on his shoulders instead of his waist, worried that he might get angrier.

“Do you want to die that badly?” he snapped.

“Huh?” I asked, raising a brow.

“The least you could do is hold onto me properly,” he sighed in frustration. It’s like every action I made or every word I uttered was wrong.

I coughed awkwardly as I wrapped my arms around his waist. As soon as I did so, he revved the engine and drove off.

For the first few minutes, I had no idea where we were going. But I then realized...

...We were going to my grandma’s nursing home. I was clueless as to what the purpose of going there was. I mean, going back there and seeing my grandma all alone and depressed wouldn’t make me change my mind.

“Kikwang, I think we should go home,” I muttered.

“Get off. We’re here,” he said. It was as if he had no emotions. I nodded and hopped off the motorcycle. He quickly took my hand again and led me into the nursing home. After asking for my grandma’s name at the front desk, we headed upstairs to her room.

We knocked on the door and waited for her to answer it. When she opened the door, I felt like crying again.

“Hyosung-ah...” she uttered, smiling her usual eye-smile.

Kikwang leaned in towards me and whispered, “You have her smile, you know.”

“Are you her boyfriend?” she asked, looking at Kikwang. She walked towards him and pinched his cheek, “I was hoping that Hyosung would find someone as handsome as you.”

“Thank you,” he smiled, bowing at her. “I’m Lee Kikwang. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Kikwang, why are we here?” I whispered.

“Yah, Hyosung, I may be old, but I’m not deaf,” my grandma side. “Kikwang, were you the one who decided to come here?”

“Actually, Hyosung told me to take her here, but she was too shy to admit it,” Kikwang said, slipping out a chuckle. I didn’t know what his plan was or why he felt the need to lie.

“Oh, that’s so sweet!” she smiled, wrapping her arms around me.

“Hyosung would like to ask you about what it’s like living in a nursing home,” Kikwang said. I shot him a glare before looking back at my grandma.

She stood still, waiting for me to speak.

“Uh...” I muttered, trying to think of something. “Isn’t it depressing living in a nursing home? Don’t you just wish you could end things while life is good?”

“I wouldn’t trade my life for the world,” she replied. “We were given this life for a reason, right?”

“But isn’t life at its best when you’re a kid? Don’t you just wish you could skip adulthood and that feeling of growing old and weak?” I asked.

“Hyosung-ah, can I talk to you alone for a bit?” she asked, averting her attention to Kikwang.

“Don’t worry. I’ll wait outside the door,” Kikwang said, as he left the room.

She sat back on her bed and gestured for me to sit next to her.

“He seems like a great boyfriend,” she said. “He reminds me a lot of your grandfather – a wonderful man, he was.”

“Yeah, Kikwang is amazing,” I smiled.

She placed her hands on top of mine and looked sternly at me, “So why would you want to commit suicide and lose someone as great as him, hmm?”

“How did you know I wanted to commit suicide?” I asked.

“Because I was once like that,” she replied. “I had such a cynical look on life; I had doubts about everything.”

“I don’t think you saw it the same way I do. It’s not just about doubts,” I said.

“I also hated growing up,” she added. “I felt like trying in life and working was pointless. If I killed myself while I was still in my youth, I would have saved years of work and obstacles.”

I didn’t know how to respond to her. I just sat there with my mouth gaped.

“It sounds quite familiar, doesn’t it?” she asked.

“But you’re still alive to this day,” I protested.

“Because I met your grandfather,” she smiled. “His unconditional love kept me alive. He showed me how to treasure life and accept that it’s not always going to be easy.”

“But didn’t you feel bad when he died? Didn’t it hurt?” I frowned.

“Of course it did. But what do you think hurts more? Losing someone after spending a lifetime with them yet knowing that it was a life well spent, or cutting everything short and taking yourself out of the life of someone who you love?” she answered. “You don’t realize what amazing things you and Kikwang will go through together.”

“I’m just scared,” I frowned. “I had it all planned out; I dropped out of school in order to spend every minute having fun, and if I decide not to go through with it, I’ll have to go back to high school and start all over again.”

“If Kikwang is the guy I believe he is, then he’ll help you get through this,” she said. “Hyosung-ah, you’re a strong girl. I believe in you. And even though I won’t be around to see it all, I know that you’ll be able to make it through anything.”

Kikwang knocked on the door and opened it slowly. “Hey...how is everything going?”

I smiled widely and ran over to him. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I pressed my lips against his.

He backed away and grinned, “I’m assuming everything is okay now?”

“Everything is perfect,” I smiled. I turned around to give my grandma a hug.

“Yah, just because you’re in love, that doesn’t mean you have to forget about me,” she said. “You better visit me.”

I broke away from the hug and laughed. “I promise.”

After spending a few more hours at the nursing home, talking with my grandma, Kikwang and I headed home.

-------

It took me forever to realize it, but being with Kikwang outweighed all other logic I had lodged into my brain. I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t gone to the nursing home with him that day.

I’ve been with Kikwang for about nine years now, and I couldn’t ask for a better life. I was able to finish my last year of high school and move on to university, where I studied more about the culinary arts. Although Kikwang didn’t get the chance to finish school, he was able to start his own businesses and create his own restaurant, where I would be cooking alongside him. As for the issue with my mom, Joon followed through with his plan and returned the money to his parents so my mother and father were free from having to force me into a relationship. I eventually confronted my mom and explained everything to her, and although she wasn’t too pleased with it, seeing me smile like before was enough for her.

My grandma died just months ago, and she never got the chance to hear about our engagement. Kikwang and I planned to get married in a few months.

“Kiki-ah, can we go to the beach for a few minutes?” I asked, peeking out of the doors to the kitchen.

“We’re kind of in the middle of work,” he laughed. “Can’t we this weekend?”

“Please?” I pouted.

“Yah, one day I’m going to grow immune to the pouty look of yours and you’ll never be able to get your way ever again,” he replied.

“So that means we’re going, right?” I grinned.

He rolled his eyes and sighed, “Flip the ‘Open’ sign over, and let’s go.”

We drove a few minutes until we arrived at the beach. I quickly hopped out of the car and ran to the shore.

“Don’t tell me you just came here to play in the water,” he sighed.

“Calm down,” I laughed. As I crouched down near the water, I took out the purple piece of paper my grandma had given me the day I visited her at the nursing home. I read the note one last time:

Dear Grandma,

Would you believe I managed to keep this paper after all these years? It’s quite wrinkly, and not in the best shape, but like Kikwang always says, ‘It’s the thought that counts’, right? Anyways, he proposed to me a few months after you left. I wish he had proposed a few months earlier so I could tell you in person, but you know how slow he can be sometimes haha~ :) We’re planning to get married by the ocean so we know for sure that you will have a good view of the wedding. I know you loved watching the waves with Grandpa, so I’m pretty sure you’ll be watching them when the wedding is happening. I might try watching the waves with Kikwang one day – I mean, you and Grandpa seemed so calm and happy watching them together.

I never thought I would be able to see the day when I would write this note to you. But Kikwang has been able to keep me strong and has supported me through everything. Wherever you and Grandpa are, I hope you’ve been watching over us and can see how strong our love is.

Never forget to smile up there in the heavens – Kikwang always loved that about you. And even if he can’t see it anymore, he always says that he sees a little bit of your wonderful personality and smile in me whenever I talk about you.

I miss you and love you,

             Hyosung.

As I wiped the teardrop from my eye, I placed the note gently on the water and watched as it flowed with the waves. Kikwang came up from behind me and wrapped his arms around me.

“So what do we do now?” he whispered.

“Kikwang...can we just sit here for a while and watch the waves?” 

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ahhh I'm so sorry for the strange ending >___< it's the first story I've written in a while, and I was never good at writing endings LOL

Anyways, I hope you all enjoyed this story! I'll be posting my new story very soon, and will probably post the link on this story so keep an eye out for it ^___^ It'll be a KikwangxHyosungxDoojoon story :3

Thank you all for reading and supporting this story!

- Liana