I like your title. I like how it's just one word; something that will stick to the readers. It's an interesting title for a story, and although your plot development hasn't flourished enough to reveal the relevance of the title, I think the overall feeling of the story somewhat relates to the story title which is pretty hard to pull off. 

Foreword/Description: 7/10

Ambiguous and mysterious but not in a dark, heavy way. It doesn't give out the summary in an exact, generic procedure which is great. The only problem I have is your font. You used 3-4 fonts and although you didn't use different colors (thank you for that), it makes your text look unorganized and messy. Try to limit yourself to two, at least. Lastly, organize your foreword. Some blocks of text are indented to the right some are to the left—it looks messy and not appealing at all. Try to be consistent with the font and the placement of your text.

Appearance: 5/5

I didn't find anything wrong with the appearance aside from what I already pointed out in the foreword/description section. Just work on that and you're good. Your paragraphing is good, too.

Plot: 12/20

You're on the right track. Some scenes were generic and people might find it common, but readers should definitely realize that this is a 'slice of life' story. These type of stories are usually based on real life experiences and to be honest, almost all our lives are pretty simple. The lighthearted surface hides the slightly darker themes that the main girl is hiding, plus Jongin's death so that's nice.

The only thing I didn't like was the 'instant' bond she suddenly had with Kyungsoo. I'm sure readers would have loved to read about how they became actual friends but instead, you narrated it instead of actually taking the time to write down specific scenes of them developing a close bond. Their growing relationship - which will eventually lead to an intimate, romantic relationship - was one of the major themes in your story, and you should've elaborated more on that. It gives off the impression that you just hurried to type in their relationship in a couple of paragraphs, slapped it on your chapter and expected your readers to be satisfied with it. I wasn't satisfied with it because to be honest, their relationship's development is one of the highlights of your story; it's what readers are looking forward to, aside from the revelation of the main conflict (Kai's death) and the actual growth of their romantic relationship.

Mechanics: 9/20

There were a lot of problems with your mechanics.

First of all (I'm putting this here first because I think this has been a reoccurring problem within new writers here on Asianfanfics), do NOT insert internet slang/chat speak/text message lingo in your writing unless it's meant to be there (for example, when they're actually texting in the scene, chatting, etc.). Here are two that I found:

Chapter Five:

"Woah I didn't think that your body hid all THAT! But lol I like it!"

I know you're trying to make it come off as if he was laughing, but you could easily point that out by breaking up the sentences, for example, and then sneaking in a description.

Example:

"Woah! I didn't think that your body hid all that!" he exclaimed, laughing. "But I like it!"

Another one is this:

Chapter Ten:

“Aish, it’s freaking asdfghjkl COLD”

I don't even know what you're trying to say. What does 'asdfghjkl' mean? Can you even pronounce it? Is it even a word? No? Then why did you put it there? If you're trying to make it come off as if she was grumbling then you could just say it straight out.

Example:

"Aish, it's freaking cold!" she grumbled.

OR

"Aish," she grumbled. "It's freaking cold!"

Aside from your typos and spelling errors, you also have a problem with your tense and articles. Your story is in the past tense, so keep it that way. As for your articles, you tend to get confused which ones you should use. By articles I mean the & a/an.

the = definite article, meaning it is used for specific/particular nouns

a/an= indefinite article, meaning it is used for non-specific/non-particular nouns.

Also, most of your dialogue do not have punctuation in them. There should always be punctuation before or after the quotation mark, depending on what kind of writing format you're following (in American writing it's before the quotation marks). You had a lot of careless mistakes such as typos, spelling errors and some words that you capitalized that shouldn't have been. I suggest you go over your story and edit as much as you can.

Characterization: 17/ 20

When I realized that you were going to give Kyungsoo and the OC each of their POV's, I was genuinely worried. It takes a lot of practice to master that kind of technique because writers, even professionals, have a hard time pulling that off. As for you, you did a pretty decent job at it. There were flaws here and there, but I was able to distinguish the slight difference in tone between Kyungsoo and the OC. Keep it up and just make sure to keep their tone/voice different from each other because making them sound alike is the BIGGEST no-no when writing multiple POV's in a story.

As for the actual characters, I didn't find any major problems so far because the story hasn't really evolved that much yet for me to actually see their personalities clearly. But you're doing good so far.

Flow/Style: 12/15

You're an artistic writer and I like that. Your metaphors are lovely and I hope you keep up with that. You're one of the few writers here on Asianfanfics that I know would develop their own writing style/voice, but you know what's the problem? Your grammar. You have to improve your grammar and expand your vocabulary. That way, you'll be able to develop more as an artistic writer. I can see the potential in your writing. Your flow is good, too, but try to avoid focusing on certain scenes/parts that are irrelevant to the story.

Overall Enjoyment: 3/5

You have the potential to grow as a writer, I know you do, but you really have to work on your grammar. Some parts, especially the ones where she was remembering Jongin, made me really empathize with her because you're good at describing emotions and elaborating on them. You should continue doing that as you improve your grammar. Aside from that, good job! You're on the right track!

Total: 70/100