Knowing the truth made my heart ache even more. What my parents did had totally turned my world upside down. Even if their intention was to protect me back then it created another opportunity for me to get hurt. Maybe they thought that I would never regain my memory, but I did and now I’m stuck in an incredibly painful position.

She told me that Kyungsoo had been looking for me as soon as he got out from the hospital. No one had told him that I got transferred back to Seoul because my parents had asked the people involved specifically not to. He looked for me for days and it wasn’t until he begged his doctor to tell him that he found out. His doctor eventually gave in and told him where to find me. He came to Seoul looking for me and found my parents while I was still at the hospital. They refused to let him see me and told him to forget about me, that it was over. He didn’t give up and begged my parents to let him see me at least once. My parents gave him an offer, that he’ll get to see me one last time if he promised to stay away from me after that. They told him about my memory loss and that I had forgotten him already. They thought that it was best to let me start a new life without him. Kyungsoo wanted to see me so badly that he accepted the offer but on one condition. He said that he would wait for me to remember him and if I did it would be fate. Then if I still wanted to be with him they wouldn’t stop us from getting back together. My parents agreed to that and Kyungsoo left after visiting me at the hospital, of course I knew nothing about it because I was asleep at that time. That explains why my parents were so eager to let me start a relationship with Chanyeol. They wanted Chanyeol to be a safety net, that if I one day would remember Kyungsoo I wouldn’t get back together with him. All this time Kyungsoo had been staying in Goyang waiting for me to come back to him while I was in Seoul living my own happy life.

I don’t know if I should be mad at my parents or not. What they did was cruel and wrong but because of them I got to know Chanyeol. He is one of the best things that has happened in my life. I could clearly tell that I was in love with him, the feelings I have for him are real just like my feelings for Kyungsoo. It’s because of this that I’m torn right now. I’m afraid to face them and I didn’t want to make any decisions that would hurt either of them.

I forgave my parents because they are my parents afterall. Hating them or blaming them now would not make things better. The damage has been made and the only thing I could do was to repair it somehow. It is something I had to do on my own but I’m not ready yet. I really thought that things like this only happened in dramas and movies. Whenever I watched those I always thought that it should be easy to pick one but then it was quite obvious who the main character was going to end up with. Being in this situation myself made me realize that it isn’t easy at all and no matter what you do someone is going to get hurt. I knew that I still had to put an end to it, dragging it would make us all suffer. I spent the whole day thinking in my room and didn’t come to any conclusions but I had to go back to my apartment. 

Early in the morning the next day I took a taxi home. When I finally arrived to my floor I could see someone sitting outside of my apartment door. It was Kyungsoo. Afraid that he would see me I took a few steps back down the stairs. I stood there for a while not knowing what to do, seeing him sitting there waiting for me made me want to hug him but I know I couldn’t.

For how long has he been sitting there....I must tell him to stop waiting here. He has already waited for long enough, he doesn’t deserve this.

I took a deep breath and slowly walked towards him. It looked he was sleeping because his eyes were closed. Seeing him sitting there sleeping brought back memories. How could I have forgotten about this face, those big eyes, thick brows and lips. He always looked so peaceful when he was sleeping but now he looked like he was in pain. Even in his sleep he didn’t look happy and the dark circles under his eyes indicated on that he hadn’t been sleeping well. Without any notice tears started to build up in my eyes. I wanted to touch his face so badly but didn’t dare to do it. Instead I gently my index finger over his right eyebrow.

I didn’t want to wake him up and wished that time could stop right here. I needed to remember every inch of his face so that I would never forget it again. But of course my wish wouldn’t be granted. He woke up the second I pulled my hand back. His big eyes was staring into mine and he his hand over my cheek as if he wanted to see if he was dreaming or not. I put my hands over his and held it there while tears started to flow out. We didn’t say anything to each other because we didn’t have to. Just like Chanyeol he knew me better than anyone, only a look at my face and he would know what I was thinking. At last I shook my head slowly and gently pulled away his hand from my cheek.

“Give me some time, don’t stay here waiting for me.” was all I could say and after that I quickly opened the door to my apartment and closed it behind. My legs lost their strength as soon as I locked it and I fell to the floor crying heavily.

I could hear his voice through the door saying.

“I’ve been waiting for two years already, a little while longer won’t stop me. I’ll be waiting for you and I always will no matter what your decision is. I love you!”

I could hear him walking away after that. He had left. 

Kyungsoo-yah I’m so sorry, I really am. I love you too...

Just when I thought that the worst part was over I could hear noises from inside my apartment. Soon after that I could see Chanyeol’s tall body running towards me.

“You’re back. Where have you been? I have been worrying sick! Don’t ever disappear like that again!”

He wasn’t exaggerating when he said that he had been worrying sick. He really did look sick. The happy and bright face that I was used to seeing was now worned out. His hair was messy and some facial hair had grown out. He pulled me towards him and hugged me tightly.

My heart weakened and I hugged him back. Being in his arms made me feel calm and I wanted to stay that way. An image of Kyungsoo showed up in my mind.

No..no..you can’t do this. This isn’t fair to Kyungsoo and not to Chanyeol either. You have to stay strong until you’ve made a decision. 

I forced myself to push Chanyeol away.

“Please, give me some time Chanyeol-ah. I..I don’t know what to do right now.”

I stood up and quickly walked to my room and locked the door behind me. I could hear Chanyeol coming after me and up to the door.

“ Don’t do this. I know the whole story about you and Kyungsoo now. I understand that you’re confused right now. Come out and talk to me. Let’s solve this together. I’m not going leave you just like this. Please come out.”

“I’m okay. Please, go home. Do it for me. I have to think this through on my own. Please!”

There was a long silence after that as if he had left already but I knew he hadn’t. Then after a while I could hear his voice again.

“Okay, okay. I’m going to leave. Don’t worry about me, take care of yourself. I’ll respect whatever decision you make. I just want you to be happy. I love you!”

I didn’t reply to him but I could hear a door open and then close again. Chanyeol had left too...

I sat down on the floor and cried. This was too painful for me to handle and I felt so alone. I don’t know for how long I sat there but it was already dark when I had calmed down a bit. I unlocked the door and looked at the empty living room. Even though there were lots of things in there it felt empty, just like me.

~ O ~