Chapter 10 – Roses are Red; Violets are Blue; Please Don’t Reject Me, I Love You!

 

 

           

            Jongin spun once more just before his friends entered the dance room. They were all exhausted from their studies but they still loved their dancing; especially some a little more than the others. Upon seeing them enter the room, he paused to breathe while walking over to greet them after turning off the player. His body felt drained and somehow, he hadn’t felt like dancing either.

            “She didn’t come?” Kyungsoo asked the younger as he shook his head and clenched his jaw.

            It’s been over two weeks since he’d last seen her. He was told that she dropped dance class because of personal issues and he hadn’t seen her at the park either. Every day he would wait eagerly for signs of her arrival but she didn’t show up. Nothing. One day he’d decided to visit her house but when he arrived her mom said that she wasn’t home and she went out. But where could she have gone? There was absolutely nowhere he could’ve thought of that she would visit. Jongin’s heart clenched so tightly in his chest he was sure he would’ve suffocated to death.

            Was it something he said? He had to meet her and try to fix everything but something was stopping him. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t get through to her. God alone know how much he wanted her—he himself didn’t know how much he wanted her. He was willing to make ends meet just so that he could stand next to her, hear her laughter, admire her smile, run his hand through her messily cropped hair… there were so many things, Jongin was on the verge of breaking down.

            “Did you try calling her?” Joonmyun asked, worried about the younger.

            “She doesn’t have a cell” he replied blankly.

            “Her house?” Kris asked walking over to limp a hand over his shoulder.

            “Not there” his thoughts were distant.

            “The park?” Luhan asked.

            “No” her smile lingered in his memory.

            “Don’t worry hyung, everything will work out” the youngest of the group came over to comfort the older as so the rest of his friends did.

 

            Jongin remain unfazed; his expression blank and his heart throbbing painfully.

            Don’t do this to me Jiyeon-ah

 

 

 

            Today was tiresome. I wanted to just return home and disappear somewhere no one would ever be able to find me. Even though Saeli’s threat had not affected me, I was still terribly worried about Jongin. He’s so sweet and perfect but I’m just flawed. If he knew about my past he’ll just reject me… as always, and just straight, reject me and that was what I was afraid of. Rejection. I always was, that’s why I always ran away from my problems. Coward; didn’t even explain it. Something made me head over to the park. I didn’t know why, but my feet walked me over to the familiar area.

            As I neared the park, my heartbeat sped up when I saw his back, so perfectly broad and squared against the wooden bench, a red rose in his hand as he ruffled his hair. Standing up he carefully placed the rose and that familiar note attached as he left it there and turned to leave. Just as his body faced mine he looked at me with wide eyes. I tried so hard not to break down. My heart was breaking and slowly tearing apart from my body; ripping the harshness of its veins and slashing my emotions smoothly. I was dying slowly in his love.

           

            “Jiyeon” he smiled and I split my eyes away from his perfection as my name rolled from his tongue like the sweetness of cherries in pie.

            “Actually, I didn’t want it to happen like this but…” he lifted the rose to her with outstretched hands.

            Can I please kill myself right now? How on earth can someone be so perfect? It was him all along? I took the rose and read the note.

 

 

 “I should’ve said this before, but now

I'm confident and I wanted

you to know, it was me all along.

I'm in love with you Jiyeon.

Please accept me.

I got drunk in your eyes,

looking into a sea of beauty,

and all I am able to do is beg you for mercy.

 

                                                                                                                           -Kim Jongin”

 

 

            My body gave up. I was literally thrown into pieces. I knew it. It was him. The note and rose fell from my hand and onto the ground. Oxygen was lost and my own voice became foreign. I wanted to jump into his arms and hug him so tightly, tenderly, perfectly and stay in that position forever. But no—I couldn’t; instead the most crucial words exited my mouth. Jongin, please hate me; you can do so much better. I'm so sorry.

           

            “I’m sorry, I don’t love you. Please stay out of my life” I said; my voice cold as ice as my face remained expressionless and as much as I wanted to cry, I forced myself not to.

            His expression killed me. Like a puppy that was furiously stabbed multiple times, ruthlessly. Oh go. I can’t do this.

            Turning on my heels I hurried home.

 

            God Jongin, I love you so much!

 

 

 

            Jongin dropped to his knees; his throat gone dry and his body numb. Rejected. She rejected him. His whole life was now meaningless. Why would she do that? How could she do that? Something wet ran down his cheeks and dripped onto his chest causing him to blink and touch his face. Crying… he was crying over a girl? He’d never cried over a girl before… but Jiyeon… she… why would she do this? He didn’t want to believe it, so he stood and left for home with a grave heartache.

            The tickets for his show slowly falling out of his pocket, he shoved it back in and sighed. So much for inviting her… He was hoping everything would’ve gone perfectly—no, it was the total opposite in fact. His performance now meant nothing to him. What’s the use, when she won’t even be there to support him?

 

 

            “Jongin, please eat something” Minseok spoke knocking on the younger’s door for the millionth time. His door was open but everyone had their privacy and his friends respected that.

            “I’m not hungry” came the barely audible reply.

            “You’ll get sick and won’t be able to perform”

            “I’m not performing” Jongin hissed.

            “Jongin, it’s almost three weeks now, you can’t behave this way!” Minseok groaned in frustration. The door opened, revealing a very pale, drawn out looking Jongin as he mustered a glare at his hyung.

            “Hyung, the next time you’re heartbroken, I’m not even going to comfort you” he hissed and pushed passed—tried to push pass him, but his body was so weak he barely touched the older guy before he fell to the floor.

 

 

 

            I didn’t know why I went there, I just had nowhere else to go. The day care was surprisingly empty and as I entered the front door, I wasn’t surprised to see Leeteuk changing the diaper of one of the many children. Carefully making my way over, I greeted him and he returned the smile shortly before speaking.

            “Jiyeon-ssi, hi!” he grinned. Does he ever get angry?

            “Hey” I said awkwardly and rubbed my shoulders.

            “You came alone? Jongin didn’t come?” he asked confused, while stretching his neck to look past me.

            On the mention of his name I could already feel my knees grow weak.

            “No, it’s just me” I said. He nodded in understanding and guided me to the previous room we were in last time.

 

            “Omo! Mimi-umma came!” were the screams and shouts of the familiar boys who immediately dropped everything they were doing an ran towards me with an expression so innocent I felt tainted when they hugged my legs.

            “Hi” I smiled and stooped down to eye level to talk to them.

            “Umma, where’s appa?” Woohyun asked.

            “He didn’t come today” I said with a soft smile. God, they’re so pure…

            “Aw, oh well, at least umma’s here neh?” Dongwoo clapped and they went on to rattle about things 4 year olds ramble about. I sat quietly and listened to them. It was quite interesting actually; even at the age of four, they’ve already been through so much. Howon’s mom left his dad; Sungyeol’s an orphan adopted by Myungsoo’s parents and living with him; I chuckled lightly at their innocence. They were so cute… I can’t wait to have children.

 

            “You ok?” I turned to see Leeteuk handling me a cup of coffee as he sat crossed legged next to me on the floor.

            “Yeah, why?” I asked.

            “You look distressed” he noted and carefully placed his drink on the table above, in case the kids accidently throws it down.

            “You think?” I sighed softly.

            “It’s just your expression, unless that’s how your face is—er, sorry that came out wrong” he laughed.

            “It’s ok. Actually, you’re right, I’m a bit troubled at the moment” I chewed on my lip.

            “I’m willing to listen if you want to talk about it” he smiled cheekily.

            “Well, I think, I'm making a wrong decision by doing something for the better” I inhaled.

            “Wrong decision?” he asked.

            “Yeah, I don’t know what to do” I sighed.

            “Well, if you think your decision will better the situation then go ahead, but sometimes, your decision might just screw up everything in your life” he said a little distantly.

            “What do you mean?” I asked, now confused.

            “When I was 22, I fell in love with someone but I was too stubborn to accept her love because I thought she didn’t deserve someone like me so I left her. I’ve spent the past 7 years living without meaning. Every day, I resent not keeping her. She moved away from Korea and even though I’ve tried looking for her, I can’t find her.” He explained.

            My mouth went dry and all I was able to do was listen to him and mentally curse myself. Why does that sound so familiar?

            “She loved children and hoped to open a day care centre one day. After a year of pain and torture when she left, I finally decided to do something with me life, and that’s now Suju’s Day Care Centre was opened. She was so perfect and I was such an idiot” he chuckled bitterly.

            “I-I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to bring up…” I groaned on the inside. Really Jiyeon? You idiot.

            “It’s ok” he laughed it off but anyone could see the pain in his eyes.

            “Do you… still love her?” I asked.

            “There hasn’t been a moment when I haven’t” his words struck me so suddenly I felt guilty for bring up the whole topic.

            “I’m sure, wherever she is, she’ll always remain yours” I manage to say with a small smile.

            “Well—” before he could finish, his phone interrupted him. I allowed him to speak as I sipped on my drink. My thoughts crossed Jongin. Leeteuk made a mistake… but what am I doing?

 

            “Jongin is in the hospital” Leeteuk shrieked, panic flushed through his eyes.

            And my heart stopped beating.