I just can't forgive everything
I'm so lonely...
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Wookie's eyes widened in shock and slowly dropped the letter.
I-I-It can't b-be right? Kyu, he wouldn't ch-cheat on me. Right? It must be just another misunderstanding. But who would joke with a small baby? It's just too cruel. And as I see this boy isn't too old. He must be 1 or 2 years old. That is the time when he disappeared for a long time. So he had the chance but it can't be cheating after all we weren't together at that time. Still he told me that he loved me from the beginning. Did he lie to me? Whatever.
The most important thing is that he wasn't enough careful and made a baby then he didn't take responsibility. I think he wouldn't do this with anybody. I can't even imagine it. But I can't find another explanation.... why does the whole world want us to be apart..?.... why?... I'm so confused... I have to think about it.
Wookie slowly grabbed the baby's basket and brought him to his apartment. There he rocked Maki till he was deeply asleep. As Ryeowook watched the peacful baby he saw how innocent he was. It wasn't his fault that his father wasn't with him when he borned or that his mother left her on his own.
I could never do this to my own child. It's just simply cruel. But probably I'm the reason why Kyu left them and why now his mother left him too. It's my fault that this little baby can't have a normal, loving and warm family....but I didn't know that he liked another girl.
He had never talked about it with me. He said that he loved me from the beginning. Seeing this small baby's age when his mother was pregnant with him we have already met with Kyu. Thus it means that Kyu lied to me. Maybe he slept with her when he went away because of his father's case. But why would you do it, Kyu? Tell me why...
In the next hours Wookie just sat on the couch quietly crying and was thinking about the whole thing what happened. Though he still coudn't imagine that Kyuhyun would do this with his own child or with anybody at all. But anything is possible, right? Soon the older arrived home happily.
Huh? Why are the light are off? Maybe Wookie is already sleeping? But until now he have always waited for me. I hope that nothing bad had happened.
- Wookie, honey? Are you here?
Kyuhyun turned the lights on and saw his lover sitting on the couch and staring blankly into space with his pretty swollen, puffy, red eyes. The sight shocked the older and quickly approached the other.
- Oh my God! Wookie, are you all right? Did something happen? Tell me! Why did you cry? Did someone hurt you? What-
- ...
- Wookie... Who is this baby? - Kyuhyun had no idea how the baby ended in their apartment.
- Funny? I should ask this question from you. - Wookie was smiling not looking at Kyuhyun.
- What? - Kyuhyun was totally confused by that time totally clueless about what his lover referred to.
- Here. Read this letter. After this maybe you will remember. - Said Wookie still not looking at his lover. He felt like crying but he just couldn't do so anymore. He suffered enough already.
Kyuhyun carefully read the letter but he didn't believe what he saw. He was shocked and read it again and again to make sure that he didn't misunderstand it. Unfortunately he wasn't wrong. The older finally understood why was Ryeowook so depressed but he couldn't say anything. He knew it very well that he has nothing business with the baby but he wanted Wookie to talk at first.
- What? Isn't it good? You have a son. Aren't you happy? I think he is very cute. I just pity him that he has such bad parents. His father left him then his mother too even though he didn't do anything wrong in life. - Ryeowook's words hurt Kyuhyun badly but he tried to continue the conversation with his lover calmly.
- Wookie. I agree with you completely. There is just one thing what I disagree with. It is that I'm not this baby's father. - Kyuhyun was desperate he had no idea what to say or do in this kind of situation. He just believed in his lover's trust in him.
- It's hard to believe, you know. - Ryeowook reacted immediately not even considering believing the older.
- Wookie- Kyuhyun's heart hurt more and more. He couldn't blame the other though, probably he would react the same way but still he doesn't want to lose the younger since-
- Let's break up! - Said coldly Ryeowook.
Kyuhyun's heart skipped a beat. He wanted to beg to Wookie to believe him, to say that he only loves him. However, thinking a bit, he undesrtood the it would be the best for his lover after all Ryeowook has always been suffering because of him. Even though it hurt incredibly to say and broke his heart into tiny pieces, he took a deep breath, holding back his tears and answered.
- O-ok Wookie. It will the b-best for you. But it doesn't mean that I don't love you. Yeah, I love you with all my heart. And I will love you forever. Don't ever forget that. - Kyuhyun looked into his now exlover's eyes and finished his sentence with a sad smile, the suffering was clear in his eyes and the tears could be seen shining into his eyes while he bit his lips to hold them back.
Kyu... I love you too. I love you. I can't be angry with you. I know that you would never cheat on me. I want to believe you. But I can't just forgive you everything. This time you went too far. Until I don't see an evidence that you aren't Maki's father, I can't be with you.
- Though it doesn't mean that I will move out. - Said Ryeowook trying to talk as coldly as he could, but it doesn't mean that the situation didn't hurt him at all.
- Of course. Don't worry about it. I will be the one who will move with the baby as well. - It was harder and harder for the older to control his overwhelming sadness, and his tears were about to flow but he didn't want to show it to the younger.
- Are you insane? I didn't mean it that way. I will stay so I can help to you taking care of the baby until you find her mother. You thought that I will send you to the streets with a baby? It's good to know what you think about me. - Ryeowook's anger totally took control over him. He got angrier than he should have got to every sentence his exlover said.
- No, no. You just said it that way. I just... I thought that you hate me now. So... - Kyuhyun was a bit happy that they will still live together though it won't be the same as before. As long as he could stay near to the love of his life it didn't matter to him.
- It doesn't mean that I hate the baby too. After all he is innocent. He didn't do anything. I want to give him everything and care about him with all of my kindness, to show him what it feels like when somebody loves him. Even if I am not his parent. And I expect you to love him too and give him the love what he needs from his father. That love he can't get from me. I will be on my way to help you in everything what needed. I have experience with kids. Once I worked part time at a nursery school. So your answer? Do you agree with me? - Wookie was on his way to make the other feel greater and greater guilt and of course, the other noticed it and understood it.
- Thank you very much, Wookie. You are too kind. You always think of others happiness before yours. I think... that's why I love you. Anyways I will love this little baby though I can't love him as his real father since I'm not his father. But I will do everything what I can. And I'm also happy that you will stay here with us. I don't know what I would do without you, Wookie.
You love me? Sure. If you love me you wouldn't cheat on me or lied to me. Moreover you still deny it. You are impossible. But at least you agreed with me about caring of him.
- Can you call me by my normal name again? I'm sick of this nick name. I prefer Ryeowook. And one more thing I'm not curious about your sweet words for me. Don't waste your breath. Those words won't change anything.
Kyuhyun widened his eyes and at first he couldn't say anything. Then he finally understood that Wookie is still dead serious.
It can't be that because of another misunderstanding my whole life will be ruined. Why doesn't he trust in me? Though I can't blame him for it. If I would be him I would react the same way or worse. What should I do to prove him that I'm not the father of Maki?
- O-Of course. As you wish TRyeowook. - Stuttered Kyuhyun feeling more horrible than before.
Wookie showed that he was very angry at Kyuhyun. But inside he shouted, cried and suffered. He loved the elder more than anything. He thought that their life will be finally peaceful but unfortunately it didn't happen. Instead, it bacame a real hell. He decided to stay with Kyuhyun until they find Maki's mother then Ryeowook planned to move away as far from the elder as he could.
He didn't know where, he didn't have proper plan. He just know that he has to be as far as he could from Kazu. His life with him, nearby him would just hardened his life especially if Kyuhyun would get together with the mother of the baby. He quickly stopped thinking about it before he would start crying again.
- Then goodnight. Wait, who will sleep in the bed?
At first the older didn't understand what Wookie mean and just looked confused. Soon he realised the situation and that now they can't sleep in the same bed anymore.
- You sleep in the bed. The couch will be good enough for me. - Offered kindly Kyuhyun getting worse and worse.
- Are you sure?
- Perfectly. Go sleep. You will be tired tomorrow.
- Ok.. and thanks. Wookie closed the bedroom's door behind him.
- You're welcome Wookie. I love you and will love you forever even if you won't. - Said Kyuhyun and went to sleep on the couch. I mean he just wanted to sleep since in this kind of statement he wasn't able to sleep. He just thought about what he can do to get back his ex-lover's trust.
In the bedroom the younger heard every word what Kyuhyun said after he closed the door. He just sat in front of the door and hid his face into his knees. He sat like that until he felt himself sleepy and a bit dizzy. He went to his comfortable bed where a day ago he slept with his lover happily.
The two boys just lied on their bed and stared the ceiling for hours. They remembered every moment what they spent together. Most of them were happy ones but there were some misunderstanding and arguements however they always solved every problems together. At that time they thought that nothing and nobody can separate them. Unfortunatelly, they were wrong.
Right now the current situation broke both of their hearts into tiny little pieces. Tear drops rolled down on their faces, whispered the other's name and yearning for each other.
The hours passed slowly for Kyuhyun. He tried hard but couldn't bring himself to sleep. And it wasn't because of the couch. It was because Wookie, his lover or should I say ex-lover. The thought of the positino they were in, still caused him many pain and suffering.
He decided to go to the kitchen for a glass of milk and hoped that it will help him in sleeping. When he drank it, he was on his way back to the couch when he stopped in front of the bedroom where the younger slept. He stared at the door sadly and turned around to go away but stopped hearing a noise.
At first Kyu didn't know what to do but as the noises became louder he decided to go inside and see if Ryeowook was fine.
The young boy wasn't in a good condition. He sweated crazily and cried continuously. Kyuhyun panicked and quickly went to check his lover's condition.
- Hey, Wookie! Wake up! - Kyuhyun tried to wake the other up but it was quite difficult and the older became more and more worried.
- Ky... Kyu. Please... Don't... Don't... leave me. I... I... I... love... you. I... - Kept repeating Wookie in his dream. He suffered from a horrible nightmare. It was a heartbreaking sight for the older, seeing the older suffer, greater than his own pain.
- Wookie! I'm here with you. Wake up! I love you too. - Kyuhyun couldn't believe what he heard even though it might have been just a dream it still made him a bit happy. With one of his hand he grabbed Ryeowook's hand and with the another one he carefully caressed the younger one's cheek, trying to calm him down.
Finally the younger opened his eyes while breathing heavily. He noticed that he just had a nightmare. Then he realized Kyuhyun next to him holding his hand and his cheek. As he saw him he felt relieved and he even felt a bit happy. He wanted to hug and kiss the other when suddenly he remembered everything what happened with them and slapped the elder's hands away harshly.
- Get your hands off of me. Don't touch me! - Shouted Ryeowook angrily.
- I just heard weird noises from here and was worried about you. - Tried to explain the situation Kyuhyun.
- I don't need your care. Anyway I just had a nightmare. That's all.
- Wookie, are you really all right? Your face is red. Let me check your temperature. - Kyuhyun leaned closer to Wookie to touch his forehead with his hand but the younger pushed away Kyu again even more stronger.
- DON'T TOUCH ME! I told you that I'm fine. - Ryeowook knew that if the older keep acting worried and caring towards him it will end up in him forgiving Kyuhyun everything.
- But-
- Why don't you understand it already? I... I HATE YOU! - Shouted Ryeowook but he himself was surprised at what he said. In that moment when he said that he regretted it. He just looked at Kyuhyun's face who was extremely shocked. His eyes widened and soon became teary.
Oh God! What did I say? I have never meant to say that to him. I was just angry and... Kyu. I have never seen you this sad before. You won't cry, right? Please don't. I don't want to see your crying face. I don't want you to cry because of me. I'm sorry. I'm really truly sorry. I can't bear it anymore...... Huh? Why can't I say a word...... Come on Wookie. Open your mouth already!
- I... I see. Then I think... I... - Kyuhyun fought with his tears and he couldn't talk anymore. He stood up and ran out of Wookie's room. However he didn't stop and he ran out of the building to the streets.
Kyu...
Kyuhyun just ran, ran and ran until he arrived to a park. There he sat on a bench and tried to understand that his once lover now hate him more than anything.
I thought that he didn't like me now because of the baby. It must be a big shock for him. But I have never thought that he actually hated me too. At least I didn't expect that I will hear it directly from his mouth. Why did this whole thing have to happen? I was so happy with him. He saved my life. He gave me what I never got and it was 'love'. I'm ready to give my life for him. Without him my life has no meaning at all. He was everything to me. I don't know what I should do.
I just can't hate him. I can't be angry at him. I could forgive him everything. But I have to admit that it is better for him without me. I have always tried to be useful for him and love him with all my heart but in the end I just caused him more troubles than before. I guess with me he wasn't truly happy like me. Once he nearly died because of me.
Still it's so hard to accept the fact that he can never be happy with me. I... I'm so in love with him. But if I love him that much then I have to let him go, right?............... Right.....
Kyuhyun just lied on the bench and watched the stars while smiling and crying at the same time. Not too long after that he was already asleep though it wasn't a warm night. However at that time it wasn't really matter for the sad boy.
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