You winced when another glass shattered. The veins on his neck was popping and you were scared to see him like this. The doctor had warned Daehyun to not strain his voice and now he had no other way of letting out his anger except to physically throw things. Every smash was a representation of the screams he normally would let loose.

            He stumbled around, blindly groping for more objects to throw. He coughed and you could smell the alcohol reeking from his body. You turned your face away. How had Daehyun changed so much? You knew he wasn’t supposed to drink but how could you control him now? He was shuddering, his entire body was heaving. Daehyun swayed slightly as he picked up the lamp and pulled it, yanking the plug out from the socket.

            He gave a soundless laugh, his mouth opened in the act of laughing but nothing came out. He hiccupped and reached for the beer he had brought home. You lunged to take it from him but he held it high above your reach. He snarled at you and tipped his head back, emptying the contents into his mouth. The gush of water poured into his mouth and he choked, coughing and sputtering.

            He stared into the empty bottle for a while before emitting a grunt and throwing it at the wall. It left a stain on the beige wallpaper and the glass shattered, dropping to the ground and breaking into another million pieces.

            You pulled at his arm as he picked up the framed picture of the two of you. “Daehyun, no!”

            He hesitated for a second and turned to look at you. The expression in his eyes scared you. He was ruthless, there was a crazy glint, as if he had lost all reason. His arm twitched in your hand and you were scared he would hit you. You took a step back and his face changed.

            He threw the picture onto the sofa and his entire expression crumpled. You watched helplessly as he curled into a ball and began to cry. The operation had taken a toll on his voice and it was now scratchy, none of the smooth timbre it had before. Your heart broke when you saw Daehyun cover his mouth as if the sound of his own voice disgusted him.

            He tried to muffle his mouth and you dropped down next to him. “Let it out,” you begged him.

            He whimpered and made squeaking noises, desperate sounds of despair and shook his head. The boy who loved to talk, lived to sing, no longer wanted to even hear his own voice.

            You cried and shook him. “Dae, please. Lean on me.” You moved closer next to him and offered him your shoulder but he jerked away.

            “Leave me alone.” His words came out in a harsh whisper and that was all they were, whispers. Daehyun pushed you so that you fell onto your elbow and stood up. He weaved unsteadily and grabbed his phone off the table and walked out the door.

            You followed him but he had already gotten into the car and you tried to run after the car. You called Yongguk, wanting assistance, but nobody picked up. You followed the car, watching him peel from the corner and you ran to try to see where it was going.

            You walked into town, afraid that Daehyun had gone to the various bars. Each one you went to, he wasn’t there. But they had all seen him. “He took one drink and walked right out the door. He didn’t stay to drink.”

            You continued to look, knowing that he was out there drinking and driving. You walked down the narrow alleys when you saw the car. It was clearly abandoned. Daehyun had locked the doors and left. You sank against the wall and cried. How could you have let him get away?

            “You didn’t have to come.” It was still the same whisper.

            You looked up and saw Daehyun. His entire head was wet, water was dripping down his shoulders as if he had doused himself with a bucket. He managed to look sober enough and you stood up shakily.

            He took a step back. “Don’t come near me. I don’t want you to hear me talk.”

            You grabbed his hand and pulled him against you, not caring that you were getting wet as well. He was breathing hard and you could still smell the alcohol on his breath. His hands were trembling as you held them.

            “Stop. You just had the surgery. How do you expect to recover if all you do is drink? You’re going to lose your life if you’re not careful. You’re still on medication!” The anger and the worry were pouring out from you.

            Daehyun stared at you blankly. He shrugged nonchalantly and almost laughed. He leaned in close to you and said menacingly, “I hate myself right now. Do you understand? I hate, hate, hate, this me. I hate that I no longer can sing and I hate that I sound like this. I hate that you have to see me like this. I’m useless. I can’t be in B.A.P anymore, and you’re just going to have to deal with my problems if you stay with me. I want you to leave me. Now.”

            He yanked his hand from yours and turned to go. His foot faltered and he fell forward onto the car. You grabbed him and he turned away so you couldn’t see the tears in his eyes. You wrapped your arm around his waist.

            “You can still sing. The doctor says it takes time. Technology’s different these days. You need a long break. But you’re going to have to train your vocal cords again. You can’t give up.”

            He shook his head sadly. “There’s no use. I will never sound like myself again.” He placed his fingers around your wrist and prepared to push you away again.

            “No! No!” you screamed at him. “You’re not going to push me away this easily. I want to help you. I want to stay by your side until you can sound like the old Jung Daehyun again. Your members wouldn’t want you to give up and you shouldn’t. For them, for your fans, for yourself, and for me, you should keep trying. I don’t want to hear that you’re giving up again.”

            He cupped your face and you held still, hopeful. “Don’t be stupid. This is a permanent condition. I’ll forever be crippled, always subjected to the possibility of losing my breath and having an attack. You deserve someone better.”

            You squeezed his fingers, hoping that some physical pain would bring him back to reality. “I don’t want someone better. There is nobody better. We can argue like this the whole day and I will never change my mind. And you’re so cold. If you get sick, how do you expect to regain your voice?”

            You took off your sweater and wrapped it around his head. The gentle action broke him. Daehyun collapsed onto the ground and cried. His not yet recovered voice keened and you hugged him. His tears soaked through your shirt but you held him because there was nothing else you wanted to do.

            “Will you stay by my side?” he whispered finally.

            You helped him stand and stood in his arms. “Yes. Until the day you regain your voice, and for the years after.”

            He didn’t reply but you felt the tears from his eyes drip into your hair and you stood in front of him, holding him up with your strength because that was why you were there.

requested by jjangqueen

I'm trying to get my old skills back... trying.