I returned to the hospital the next morning. Nurses were surprised to see some kind of a lost lady with her clothes still stained with blood, her eyes swollen from crying over night, her hair disheveled and flying here and there. But I didn’t really care.

Last night, though Teddy told me to rest and change clothes, I couldn’t bring myself to. Every step I made closer to our apartment became too heavy as guilt slowly dawned on me, not that I didn’t feel any back at the hospital, but it became worse as I realized that I would have to stay at home safe and sound while Jiyong would be at the hospital trying to stay alive. The sight of the room we share, the couch we had on the living room, the kitchen, just about anything at the unit, wouldn’t be of much help to lessen the guilt inside.

So, I had decided to stay the night somewhere else. Before I realized it, my feet brought me to Han River where I spent the night and was able to fall asleep on a bench. The moment I woke up the next morning, my body was aching and my eyes were hurting due to too much crying last night.

“Oh, Miss Dara… you’re here early,” a voice behind interrupted me. I turned and saw Teddy. “Didn’t you go home?” he asked as he realized I was still on the same clothes yesterday.

I turned around as I headed myself towards Jiyong.

“He’s not there,” Teddy said. “He was transferred to the ICU.”

I turned to him once again. The word ‘ICU’ made a ring in my head. “What happened to him? How is he? Did he wake up yet?”

“Madam Kwon ordered to transfer him there. So far, there weren’t any improvements at all and his vital signs weren’t still stable. He hasn’t woken up yet.”

“I want to see him,” I said urgently.

“This way,” he said as he led me the way.

As we sprinted towards the ICU, we were met by Jiyong’s Dad.

“Sir,” Teddy said, bowing.

Jiyong’s dad regarded him and then he switched his gaze towards me. There was something right there, something I didn’t want to see – disappointment. Or was it regret? Perhaps both?

“Mister Kwon….” I started. But he looked away.

“Dara… go home and rest,” he said, eyes still not meeting mine.

“I just came here,” I said, voice small.

“You don’t look fine. You need rest,” he said.

Despite of myself, I was happy that he didn’t show it in his words how disappointed he was to me, if he really was. However, I still felt that I needed to explain myself.

“Mister Kwon, I am so sorry,” I said. He stared at me then. “It’s my fault.”

There were a surge of emotions passing by his eyes showing how he felt that time. I could see it through the way he clenched and unclenched his fists and his jaw too.

“Mister Kwon, if there’s anyone to blame, it is me, so please, I just want to apologize,” I said, my voice desperate and weak.

After a while, he turned his back on me. “Just…go home,” he said before walking away.

I stood there, my head bowed, my whole body shaking. In a matter of seconds, tears already fell from my eyes. I sobbed as a lump formed in my throat.

A hand rested on my shoulder. “Miss Dara…”

“It’s my fault. Everyone’s mad at me. I should have been the one who was bumped by that damn car,” I said, my voice shaking from crying.

“Miss Dara… don’t blame yourself,” Teddy said.

“There’s no one else to blame but me,” I said. “I should have been the one lying on that bed. I should have been the one who’s harmed. But no! It wasn’t. It was Jiyong! And he’s hurt and in danger and it’s all because of me.”

Teddy whirled me around so that I could face him. “Dara! Listen!”

“It’s my fault!” I said, tears still flowing from my eyes. “It’s my fault, Teddy! I should have been the one wh-“

“Stop blaming yourself, Dara!” Teddy shouted, his hands gripping tightly on my wrists. “You are not to blame!”

I stared at him, though his face wasn’t clear as the tears blurred my vision. I continued crying, refusing to listen to him.

“You are not to blame!” he said. “It’s me! It’s my fault! I was the one who called Jiyong. I was the one who switched the suitcase of money with a suitcase of clothes! This could not have happened if it weren’t for the fact that I did those things. So blame me, not yourself.”

For a while, I just stared at him with my blurry vision, his words slowly processing in my brain. As the remaining tears subsided, his face became clearer. His face was hard but it softened as he stared deep into my eyes. His grips on my wrists loosened and he put his hands down. Afterwards, he bowed his head.

I just stared at his head, not sure on what to feel as what he said finally became clear. Should I be mad? Should I be furious? I wasn’t sure.

I turned my back as I headed to the direction of the ICU.

“Are you just going to leave?”  He asked, his voice stopping me. “Aren’t you going to hurt me? Or hit me until I’m dead?”

There was silence. I breathed in before I spoke. “Will it change anything?”

I was about to take another step when a doctor and a few nurses ran past me, heading towards the direction of the ICU.

My heart pounding, I followed them. I heard running footsteps behind me and I knew it was Teddy. The moment we arrived at the ICU, I covered my mouth in shock as I saw the doctors through the two-way glass of the ICU as they were running frantically around the room.

The doctor was shouting orders as the nurses were following him.

I switched my gaze on Jiyong. He was lying on his bed, several tubes connected on his body, his face covered with bruises, his arm in bandages. If it wasn’t for the doctors and nurses being frantic inside the room, I would think he was being better.

“What happened?” a voice appeared on my right. I didn’t need to look to see who it was. It was Madam Kwon.

“Madam, the doctor said that his pulse is going down. Dangerously down, he said,” Teddy said as he ran towards them.

Did the doctor say that? I stared at Teddy, shocked.

As I did, Madam Kwon noticed me. I also saw Mister Kwon beside her.

Madam Kwon ran towards me like a raging bull. Her hands were raised like claws and it was like she was going to claw the life out of me. I didn’t flinch though. I was welcoming it.

“You! What are you still doing here?!” she said, slapping me hard on the face. She was still continuing on hitting me as I had my face numb from the pain it received. “Look at what you did to Jiyong!!!”

I thought it would go on forever, but it stopped. I opened my eyes. I didn’t even notice that I had them closed anyway.

I only saw someone’s back. I guess it was Teddy’s. Was he protecting me from Madam Kwon once again? I was welcoming it and what was he doing? Couldn’t he get that I didn’t mind being hurt by her?

“Jiyong!” Madam Kwon’s voice made me turn towards the room.

The doctor was pumping his heart with that electricity thingy for several times, shouting more instructions to the nurses.

I stared at the monitor right next to him as there was just a thin line indicating that his heart wasn’t beating anymore.

“Ji!” I shouted, unable to keep it anymore. “Ji! Wake up, please!” I pleaded, my fists pounding on the thick glass, trying to break the glass so I could get inside.

Several attempts were made and no improvements yet.

Feeling pathetic anymore as I couldn’t do anything more than to just stand outside, I closed my eyes and clasped my hands in front of me and prayed. I couldn’t think of anything else to do but this.

Oh, God! Please just save Jiyong. Please! Please! I will do anything just to see him alive. It was my fault so just punish me and save Jiyong instead! Oh, please!

“Jiyoooooooonnnggggg~” Madam Kwon’s voice echoed along the hallway.

I opened my eyes, hands still clasped. I felt tears rolling down my cheeks but I didn’t bother wiping them off. The doctor and the nurses were still crowding him.

“Jiyong,” I whispered. “Please… wake up.”

Nothing.

A lump formed in my throat. “Oh, please! Ji! Wake up!”

Nothing.

“Just… wake… up…” I said, each word coming out as a whisper as I was starting to lose hope. I leaned my forehead on the glass and softly pounded on it, losing all the strength I had a while ago. “Wake up… please…”

I closed my eyes as I thought it was the end.

“Jiyong,” Madam Kwon’s voice made my head lift once again. She sounded…relieved.

And I was beyond delighted as I saw that there were green, zigzag lines along the monitor, indicating his heart was beating once again.

I hastily wiped the tears off my eyes as a smile started forming my lips. The doctors and nurses were in relief also as they continued on monitoring Jiyong’s vital signs.

“Thank you,” I whispered to no one in particular.

I was grateful that Jiyong was alright now. Though he hadn’t woken up yet, the doctor said his vital signs were getting stable now and he said that anytime today, he might be conscious again. I was seriously dying of nervousness a while ago as I was watching Jiyong’s lifeless body bouncing along with the electricity that shot through him and nothing happened. I was seriously losing hope that he would be saved as there wasn’t any sign of him waking up a while ago.

What happened back there was something that I couldn’t imagine happening too soon. It would also cost my life if his life would be taken as well. I wouldn’t be able to live like I usually did. I would probably be a walking dead if he would be gone.

But somehow, as if he heard my plea, he woke up.

That didn’t change the fact, though, that I was at fault. I blame myself over and over again and I wouldn’t get tired of it. If it wasn’t for me, he wouldn’t be in that situation. It was me who should be in his position. I brought him there.

Teddy told me a while ago not to blame myself as he told me what he did. But nothing changed. It was still my fault.

I stared to my left. At the far end was Madam Kwon sitting alone at the bench. She was seated outside of the ICU as she was waiting for news from the doctor while I was sitting at the farthest bench. Teddy deliberately led me here for me to be far from her.

She was alone, looking lonely, but somewhat relieved. I didn’t know why, but I found myself standing, as if wanting to walk towards her.