August 15th, 2008.

                 

To my dearest hyung,

                    

                     

            Minnie hyung! It’s been a year already since I started writing to you… ahhh… I really, really miss you. How have you been? I bet you’re starting your last year in college right? Same as me! I thought my career was shorter but actually, since I’m involved in too many projects I must stay longer.

You know… Kyuhyun is entering his last year as well… he said he will take after his father’s company… you know hyung… I’m trying to think that it’s better staying like this… I mean… maybe we’re not done for each other? He must be straight right? Sigh… hyung… everything was in my mind all the time, I can’t blame him for breaking my heart when it was me the one that wanted to believe in fairy tales… now that I think about it… this is my first time falling in love, it must be around seven for me to get married right? The world tried to tell me that I shouldn’t fall too deep but I guess I didn’t listen.

Last time Hae told me that I was smiling less, but hyung, I still feel down. I get sick really often lately as well, but somehow I’ve been getting used to it so now every time that fever comes to me I try to ignore it.

Also, I’m thinking I should go out more often, being with Kyuhyun –even when he comes with us just because of Sulli- cheers me a little, his smile still makes my heart flutter but I’ve been getting used to it and now I’m trying my best to not be that transparent.

You know what people say about love? That it makes us stupid and masochists… that’s true hyung! I don’t care how broken and sick I am, when I’m with him I feel I’m the healthiest man over the earth, even when his smiles are not directed at me or such. He’s very polite you know? He still asks me if I’m feeling well every time I feel dizzy, once he even asked me if I wanted him to take me home but I rejected because I don’t think I can be alone with him.

Yesterday as I was reading in one of the benches in our campus I saw him as well and hyung, my heart fluttered the same way it did the first time I saw him. He then turned to me and smiled warmly, hyung, that smile will be the reason of my death. He was walking towards me but I didn’t want him to because I couldn’t face him, I couldn’t do it without feeling the urge of just hug him tightly.

That’s why I just stood up and ran away pretending I didn’t see him, ah hyung, I even forgot my book in the bench, and I really loved that book because it was my favorite, it was the 47th time that I read it and I still didn’t get bored…

Two things I lost: my first love, and my first book… Hyung, I think I lost myself as well…

                     

Hyung, love is painful… I hope you’re not experimenting this pain as well. Take care of yourself hyung, I don’t want to see you in the same condition. But if you are, come and let’s get drunk together! :D

                  

Love,

Hyukjae.

                  

PS: Hyung, did you know? Being in love creates high levels of dopamine and norepinephrine. The despair associated with unrequited love is associated with plummeting levels of dopamine. To increase dopamine, rejected lovers should exercise. Sunlight is another mood lifter, and smiling also activates nerve pathways that can give feelings of pleasure. Well, I think I’ll practice even harder now in my dance practices right? I’ll do my best! Ah! Donghae can be in charge of making me smile! You know he’s good with lame jokes~ ^^ I’ll go out and exercise every morning under the sunlight. Hyung, I hope to feel better with days… I don’t like being depressed.