May 11th, 2008.

                 

To my dearest hyung,

                    

                     

            Hyung… why is it so hard? It’s been almost a year since I watched him from far away…

            Today I knew his name… he even has a really nice and cool one… but hyung… why does it feel so wrong now? I feel like my heart wants to fade away… it feels so heavy hyung…

            Cho Kyuhyun… that’s his name… do you want to know how I knew that?

            I was in the cafeteria and then Sulli came, Hae wasn’t there because he had to take some extra lessons so I was alone. When she came I thought it would be finally fun, the girl has been really nice and we really like each other as friends. She brought her boyfriend along… hyung… it was him…

I couldn’t even fake a smile… my heart felt so heavy hyung… I wanted to cry, I have been waiting so much for the time when I could face and talk to him to come and now that I could it was painful… I wasn’t even able to look at him because I felt something in my stomach… I wanted to throw up because it was really painful… Sulli was introducing us and the only thing I could hear was ‘Boyfriend’ and ‘Cho Kyuhyun’, I think she told me he career he on or something like that…

That’s why I used to see him around the campus… because he came here looking for his pretty girlfriend… I was always so happy to see him that never came into my mind that he could actually have someone he loves already.

I only stared down hyung, I didn’t have the strength to look at him knowing I would never be with him as I wished we would. We ate together and they were really lovely hyung, I didn’t think I could take it, I couldn’t even look up to see his lovely smile and those perfect eyes of him… he was so close to me yet so far away… Why was I alone? Why did Hae decided to take his lessons in a time when I needed him the most? Why did I have to be the only one there? I bet they didn’t even know I was around since they were feeding each other and such… truly hyung, I didn’t dare to look…

I have been waiting so much for me to look at him and when I finally could I didn’t because I think my tears would come out immediately.

I didn’t say anything because there was this knot in my throat… as much as I wanted to swallow it I couldn’t hyung, I bit my lips but it was still painful, I wasn’t hungry anymore and my hands were trembling. So as I could, I excused myself and went away to cry myself in the bathroom, I think they were confused by my behavior but why would I care hyung?

It doesn’t feel right… it feels like my heart has been pinched with a thousand needles… please hyung… rip my heart away… I can’t stand it anymore…

                        

Hyung… do you know what hurts the most? … it hurts the most to know that Sulli is such a great girl that can deserve him… even more than I do…

Hyung… I need you here with me now…

                 

Love,

Hyukjae.

                  

PS: Hyung, did you know? A study of college students who had just been rejected by their sweethearts showed they had strong activity in the brain associated with the insular cortex, the part of the brain that experiences physical pain. Is this why it hurts so much hyung? I didn’t even confess and I have been rejected automatically… hyung… I don’t think I can keep up with this… I don’t feel right…