August 13th, 2012.

                 

To Hyukjae’s dearest hyung,

                    

                     

Sungmin hyung, this might as well be a little confusing, this is not Hyukjae, although I really wish he would be the one writing this right now. It’s been a while since he wrote right? Three years? I wish he continued.

Can I call you hyung? Or Sungmin-shi? Well~ It’s not like you will tell me so, since I have heard a lot of things from you I’ll just call you hyung.

Yesterday I was cleaning Hyukkie’s stuff, there I found a bunch of not sent letters, and all of them had the same addressee… Lee Sungmin. I read them all and I thought about keeping them, he narrated his entire love story ever since the beginning right? I still don’t know though, why he didn’t send any of them. But it wasn’t right for me to just stay with these when he wanted for you to read, that’s why I’m sending them all to you.

As disappointed as it might sound, I’m not Hyukjae, I’m Kyuhyun, Cho Kyuhyun.

Have you read all his letters? Did you know he really liked reading these weird books that had some useless facts? I guess you know now because he wrote some of them in the postscripts of the letters. He has been always so cheerful and special. I’ll send you those books as well.

I think you already know who I am since he wrote about me ever since the first letter. I wish I had found these before so we would be together ever since the beginning. I should tell you as well, that ever since the first time I saw him I loved him, love at first sight… how ridiculous does that sound in a grown up man?

It’s been five years since he first wrote a letter right? It’s been exactly that time that I saw him for the first time, do you know? I had a girlfriend, Sulli, I went to get something for her to eat and I saw him in the cafeteria, if only I knew he was looking at me as well I would have make a move in the spot instead of letting all my insecurities bloom and just back away towards my girlfriend’s table.

Yes, I had someone else, but I couldn’t stop thinking about him, so beautiful and perfect, his smile was just revitalizing, I wanted to see him more, I craved for his smile even more than for food. So I continued going even more frequently to that cafeteria, I had some difficulties because my schedule was different, I wonder if he saw me there, I think he didn’t. But I would look at him intently, there was this guy by his side all the time, Donghae, I was annoyed by him, because Hyukjae would only smile brightly at him and I wanted to take his place instead. By the way, I think Donghae still likes you because he always brings up the topic that he once had this beautiful friend and that he wishes to see you again soon because he really misses that friend of his. Hyuk told me he had a crush on you ever since childhood, please meet him soon, he’s annoying sometimes.

And then Sullin introduced him to me? Do you know how happy I was? I had finally an excuse to finally see him more often, to hear his voice and look at his beautiful everything. But ever since I was introduced to him, he stopped smiling, I didn’t know why and I asked him whenever I had the time because I craved for his smile, I wanted to talk to him because I wanted to know how his voice sounded, it was melodious and smooth, perfect to sooth me all the time.

And then I finally invited him out for a drink, though I didn’t want to actually have a drink, I just wanted to see him and be alone. I knew it wasn’t right because I had a girlfriend and I was using her, but I loved him ever since the beginning as well and I didn’t want to give up; I wanted to put up that smile in his lips again, I couldn’t wait to see it and make my life complete. He never showed any kind of like towards me, no more than a friend and I was scared for months because of that.

Even if it was just as a friend I wanted to be with him; I had already made myself believe we could be nothing more than that. And then, that Christmas night when we were together he kissed me, I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t even think straight because I’ve been wanting to be with him so much that when he plastered his lips against mine it was like a dream come true. But then it ended and he wanted to run away from me; I wasn’t going to allow it, I wasn’t going to allow for him to run away when he finally opened a door for me.

A kiss became a touch, a touch became passion and that night of Christmas I swear I was the happiest man over the earth being able to be connected with the one I love ever since the beginning; to be able to moan his name and him being with me, kissing and touching, just simply being together. Do you have an idea of how happy I felt because I could finally make him mine? Make him know my feelings even without talking; it’s beautiful, I tell you, is the most beautiful thing in the world.

We started dating; I broke up with Sulli, she already suspected about something going on already, and then I confessed to Hyuk, I didn’t want to make it before; I wanted to be worthy of telling him I loved him. If only I knew before that e loved me I wouldn’t have gone through so much; but then again, Hyuk said that the fact that we were like this intensified our love so I’m happy how it turned out.

I then proposed to him and we planned our wedding, I didn’t want him to go to work because he sometimes did some y dances and I hate the look of the people that watch him; I just, hate it. I watched all his performances ever since I knew they existed. He’s plainly perfect, and when he dances there’s no other thing in the world I care for. He told me you were the one that told him to go after his dreams, and sincerely, I’m really thankful because otherwise I wouldn’t have known him. Thank you hyung.

At that time he stopped writing to you… did you know that? I bet you did. He stopped writing, he stopped reading, he stopped our wedding.

I didn’t have an idea, my heart broke and he just smiled sweetly and told me the truth as he once promised he would. ‘I have cancer, it’s terminal.’ Those were his exact last words. That destroyed me, he wanted to protect me and he even told me the truth because he didn’t want me to think he didn’t love me. Everyone insisted in me looking for someone else, to let him be. But I didn’t, I couldn’t dare myself to be away from him. ‘You can be by my side until the end of my days,’ he told me and I accepted without thinking twice.

We went through many hardships but knowing that he could be gone soon made us enjoy our days as the last one. He would smile at me and tell me he loved me with all his might and I would tell him the same. We were one so many times, we were happy. He wasn’t selfish, he never asked for me to stay by his side, he would make me decide with no pressure.

Three months ago his condition worsened and we knew, that the end was inevitable. He wanted to go and visit you, he wanted to make sure you were doing fine and he even asked Hae to contact you but we couldn’t find you anywhere… are we that useless? He stayed in the hospital for the whole month and he left me with a warm smile, his last words were ‘I love you’. Even like that the only thing he had to give was love.

I can’t be sad, I knew this would happen, but I loved him so much that it hurts, so much…

But today; today I’ll see my love again, I’ll be with him and this time I’ll make sure our love will last forever. Today no matter what; I’ll reunite with my Hyukjae, with the only one that I will be able to love, the one and only one that has made me feel like the luckiest and happiest man on earth.

Hyung, please take care of Hae, I don’t think he’s ready to be alone, Hyuk can’t take care of him anymore, I won’t be able either. Don’t be hard on him and don’t oblige him to eat vegetables, sometimes he gets really impulsive but Hyukkie told me you could control him.

Please take care of Hae, I’ll take care of Hyukkie up there.

If ever you want to pay a visit hyung, we’ll be waiting together for you, please don’t take too long, everyone misses you.

                  

Sincerely,

Cho Kyuhyun.

                  

PS: Hyung, did you know? I loved him with everything I was… I really did.

PS₂: Do you know? I still do and always will.