June 26th, 2008.

                 

To my dearest hyung,

                    

                     

Hyung, I’ve been really sick lately, I don’t know why though… the showcase was a success by the way! Hae got us on the closing event and we were just really good… but hyung, I still don’t feel right, Sulli wants us to hang out together regularly and I feel like crying every time because her boyfriend always tags along and I can’t dare myself to look at him. Why does it feel so wrong?

Last time we were chatting together and hyung, his voice is even better than I have ever imagined, but why is it killing me every time I hear it?

I was happy that we finally went out on vacation, I thought I would go home with my mom and Hae, but I was assigned to a new project so I had to stay some more weeks here, Sulli wants us to go out almost every day, I can’t deal with this hyung, I can’t even find a way to tell her no because deep inside I still want to see him. It’s so messed up hyung, I love him, I really do and I feel stupid because probably he doesn’t even remember my name.

I’m lucky Hae comes along because otherwise I would just cry myself and run away from them, they look good together (even if it’s hard to accept). I’m lucky as well because they’re not really clingy on each other, I have seen them just once holding hands but nothing else, is as if the gods knew my feelings and are trying to protect me.

I feel really dizzy now hyung, I guess is because of the fever? I think I will skip school today because my head really hurts. That would be a great excuse because Sulli wants to go out tonight and I don’t think I will be able to look at him again. You know? He’s actually really sweet, he always asks me if I’m fine… I guess he thinks of me as someone weak because ever since we were introduced I’ve been sick. He’s a polite man… but as soon as I lie and say that I’m fine he turns his attention to Sulli once again.

Why can’t he see that I’m crazy and sick because of him? I heard Sulli say that he was in the business department and that’s why they wouldn’t get to see each other too often. If that’s so hyung, why do they want me around? Sometimes when Hae can’t go I’m there alone and I feel even worst, it feels like I’m alone and empty… hyung, I can’t take it anymore… I want to go back as like when we were kids and had no worries…

But then again hyung… am I insane? I actually like to hear his voice, even if it doesn’t say sweet things to me… I like to see his face, though I don’t see it frequently because I don’t dare to stare at him too much time. My stomach seems to be wrong too because every time I think of him it will go crazy and flutters.

Hyung… I don’t feel well lately… I hope you’re not going through the same as me… good luck hyung! I think you’ll do better than me! ^^

                  

Love,

Hyukjae.

                  

PS: Hyung, did you know? Falling in love can induce a calming effect on the body and mind and raises levels of nerve growth factor for about a year, which helps to restore the nervous system and improves the lover’s memory. Love can also exert the same stress on your body as deep fear. You see the same physiological responses—pupil dilation, sweaty palms, and increased heart rate. Hyung, I’m doing great in school projects and I even have some job offers already, but hyung… I’m in love… but I’m also scared. Or am I just sick? Is love a sickness? Does being in love means to be scared as well?