Chapter 19 - The Years That Had Passed

Changmin turned his body slightly and watched the retreating back of his hyungs as they ran past him, eyes never facing their figures till they rounded the bend of the corner. He didn’t expect them to meet in such a way. He didn’t think the others would have expected this also. Being on stage, standing side by side with each other, microphones in hand and a wonderful red ocean in front of them. Yup, that was the ideal reunion, which was no where near what he was facing now.

Please Yunho hyung, please.

If there was anyone who could bring Jaejoong back, Changmin have no doubts that it would be his Yunho hyung. And now to do his part, Changmin turned his eyes back on his two hyungs huddled together, his heart breaking with every second passing.

Changmin moved slowly towards his hyungs, taking cautious steps, the fissure deepening as he watch his hyungs flinch and move closer to the wall with every step he took. He really wanted to stop and just leave everything be, or just run out the room, unable to see his hyungs’ broken statures, but that would just be running away and everything they had would crumble into pieces and ruins, never to be put back again. Thanks to the trainees, he thought to himself, unconsciously letting out a growl.

Yoochun heard Changmin growl and instinctively pressed himself closer to Junsu, head still buried in Junsu’s chest. He was scared of what was to come. Was Changmin truly pissed? The maknae’s wrath was something that was well-known throughout the entire SM Town, and indeed something to be feared. And he didn’t want to experience that, doubled with hatred and all. Junsu kept his eyes on the ground, afraid to lift them up to meet Changmin’s gaze. Traitors. Abandoned. Dogs of SME. He didn’t even want to think what Yunho and Changmin dealt with, all because of their selfishness of leaving them behind. Was everything that he had hoped for just a fairy tale ending? There were times when uncertainty and doubt would filter in through his mind, pushing him to the edge of insanity just by wondering whether the two brothers they left behind hated them, what they were doing, what they had felt. And then there were those times when he would just sit himself in front of his laptop and rewatch the shows they film together and believe that nothing in the world that could break their bonds. And there might have been times like this.

Changmin moved closer towards them and lowered himself gently onto the floor, so as not to startle them further, until he was at the same eye level as Yoochun and Junsu. His eyes raked over their figures hungrily. How long has it been since they last met them? They had grown thinner. So much thinner. He reached out for them unconsciously, halting in his movements and drawing back his hand hastily when he realized what he had been about do to. He was reaching out for them, for his hyungs. It was kind of unfair, the entire situation. He should be the one sitting there, crying his heart out. Not them. He should be the one will all the insecurities plaguing him day in day out. Not them. He should be the one shying away from them, trying to avoid them at all cost. Not the other way round. After all, he was the one who got left behind. By them. So why had the situation changed? He stared at his hyungs, not knowing what to say to them, speaking the first thing that came to his mind.

“We never did hate you. We couldn’t...”

Yoochun felt his heart jump at Changmin’s words. They didn’t... they didn’t hate them? Not even on bit? And all these times, all these years, Yoochun had been worrying himself over this, only for his fears to be appeased by a single sentence from a single men when countless of people had tried to console him. What an irony.

Junsu stilled. As expected of tensai Changmin, he smiled to himself. Still a step in front of his hyungs. Still being able to understand what was going on through his hyungs’ minds without even asking. And Junsu couldn’t have been prouder of what the young maknae had grown out to be.

“Why didn’t you? Life would have been so much easier if you just hated us.” Yoochun asked. He had, by now, crawled out of Junsu’s embrace in an attempt to get a better look at his maknae. Oh, how much he had missed the younger.

“We tried... We really did. On nights when Yunho hyung would just sit next to the window and stare outside, on nights when I would just lie in bed and stare at the ceiling, on nights where we would just sit together in silence, doing nothing. We tried our best to hate you, to push all the blame onto you guys, to make it seem as if we were the victims in this. But we just couldn’t. The pain still lingered, hyung-deul. Especially in the morning, when our breakfast just consisted of cereal and milk coz neither of us know how to make a proper meal. Especially in the car or when we return back to the dorms, only to find ourselves embraced by a veil of silence. And especially, especially, hyung-deul, it tears both of us to stand on stage and look to the right of us.... only to see empty spaces. It hurts so much. Do you know hyung-deul, that we still have Jaejoong hyung’s apron? Junsu hyung, your playstation? And Yoochun hyung, we still have your piano