The time started to fly by quickly. It seemed like every time I turned around a new day was starting. We learned that I was having a girl, and decided on the name Hana for her. I was constantly threatening Daesung and JiYong for always trying to rub my belly, but apart from that I was really happy. Unfortunately, Dakota and I were supposed to be leaving in two weeks and no matter how hard I tried not to focus on it, whenever the thought would cross my mind I would get sad. I thought about going to Papa YG again, but he was working on some deal or another and refused to be bothered by anyone. The day before we left, we had a going away party. We ate entirely too much junk food and went around telling stories and picking at each other.

            “Remember that time Boss and Gaho attacked Leah?” JiYong asked at one point. I glared at him, remembering perfectly.

            “They didn’t attack her, they were trying make friends. She’s the one who ran and got herself locked out,” Youngbae said.

            “They did attack me! Gaho is too damn big to be coming anywhere near me at any pace faster than a walk. You did it on purpose! You guys knew I didn’t like animals,” I protested.

            “We weren’t going to let them hurt you,” JiYong said. “If I’d known you were going to react like that, I wouldn’t have done that to you.”

            “Yeah right. You didn’t feel that kind of remorse when I was locked out for an hour until Panda came back.”

            “Is it our fault you didn’t know the code?” Youngbae asked.

            “Yes! I mean, that was like the first week we were here. And I was under pressure and scared for my life! How did you expect me to remember a door code under those kinds of circumstances?”

            “It’s not like you didn’t get them back for that,” Daesung said. “I distinctly remember Youngbae-ah’s favorite watch going missing for a while afterwards.”

            “Yes, and JiYong’s Heartbreaker headphones mysteriously disappeared and miraculously ended up in the laundry room a week later,” TOP added.

            “I have no idea what you are talking about,” I said, looking away.

            “I’m sure you don’t…” JiYong said.

            “Besides, nothing beats the time Kota got pissed at TOP and hid all his blankets. Poor oppa, I don’t think he got any sleep that night.”

            We all turned to TOP who was avoiding eye contact with all members. “I forgot to turn my black pants inside out one time and she did that!” he said.

            “Do you know how annoying it is to wash black clothes? They were nice pants too. I asked you to do one little thing like take your pants off the way I tell you to and you couldn’t do that, so I had to send you a message.”

            “There are so many things I could make fun of in that sentence,” I said, “but I’m going to leave it alone.”

            “Well hyung, at least she didn’t take away your hoodies. Then you wouldn’t have been able to wear all your layers,” Daesung said.

            “Oh yes, heaven forbid TOP goes anywhere with less than three layers of clothing,” Dakota said, rolling her eyes.

            “What is this, gang up on TOP? No, let’s talk about JiYong and that girl he brought over that day.”

            “What was her name…Hye Young, wasn’t it? Oppa, what were you thinking?”

            “He wasn’t thinking,” Youngbae said, and he wasn’t one to talk bad about a girl. “There was something wrong with her.”

            “There had to be. Plus, she was young enough to still be in school. Where did you find her anyway, JiYong?” TOP asked.

            “She wasn’t that young,” JiYong defended. “But nothing happened, so why are we even bringing this up?”

            “I’m going to miss you guys,” I said suddenly.

            “I am too,” Dakota echoed.

            It was kind of a mood killer, but I felt like I had to acknowledge the elephant in the room.

            “We’re gonna miss you too Dakota,” JiYong said. “I’m even going to miss fighting with maknae in the mornings.”

            “Ugh,” I groaned. “That’s one thing I’ll be okay with leaving behind. No more disturbing the sleeping dragon or the Cave of Wonders or Hangover TOP. No more being awake before the sun! Ahh….I’m going to have to relearn how to be lazy.”

            “You won’t get to be lazy for very long,” Panda said, rubbing my stomach. He was the only one allowed to do that.

 “One month of lazy, then three months to get ready. You’re gonna come when it gets close to time, right?” I asked, stricken with a sudden burst of fear.

            “Calm down,” Panda said, and I realized I was close to hyperventilating. “I’m going to be there, don’t worry.”

            “You better be,” I warned. “You all better be. All of Hana’s uncles need to be present. If Dakota is going to brave the hospital for me, then you guys can board a plane.”

            “You really are something else,” Youngbae said.

            “You guys love me,” I said.

            I hated saying goodbye. I didn’t say goodbye when I ended a phone call, and I never said it after hanging out with people. Hell, I didn’t even tell my own mother goodbye when I boarded the plane to come to Korea, but standing in that airport in Seoul I felt like I was saying goodbye and I hated it. It didn’t help that Panda had spent all night holding me like he was afraid I would leave early. I blinked back tears as Dakota and I hugged everybody. I refused to have them see me cry. Besides, I had a fourteen hour flight to the States for that. We lingered at the gate as long as we could before giving our final goodbyes. I had to practically pull myself away from SeungRi when the time came. I kept reassuring myself that I would see him soon.

            The plane was barely in the air when Dakota fell asleep. I was guessing she didn’t get much sleep the night before either, but I envied her for being able to get some rest. As it was, I couldn’t get comfortable in the small amount of space. I already hated flying because my legs were too long and I always ended up behind someone who wanted to recline their seat, but I was extra uncomfortable with the added challenge of my belly. Being pregnant kind of I thought. I grabbed my carryon bag and searched through it for my iPod. I grabbed the device, but a piece of paper fell out of the bag into my lap when I did. I wasn’t sure what it was, but I saw my name printed in careful letters on the side. I opened it and realized it was a letter in a mixture of Korean and English from Daesung.

            Leah,

                        I didn’t know how to say all this before, so I figured that writing this letter would help me express what I’ve been thinking and feeling for the past year.

To begin with, I still remember when we first met. All of us guys had been called to President Yang’s office for what we thought was a scolding. We were surprised to hear that the two American girls who probably couldn’t understand anything we were saying were going to be living with us. Of course, JiYong protested, saying you would be distractions, and the rest of us had our own apprehensions, but President Yang was insistent. He didn’t want you spending what stipend you got on a hotel, so you would do the chores and be our ‘caretakers’ in exchange for room and board.

The whole “we’re not going to speak English” thing was actually supposed to be a way to help you learn Korean. Once we realized just how mean it was, we dropped it, and it became easier not only to communicate, but to get to know each other. From the start, I found you cute, with a nice personality, and smart. I guess you had to be talented in something also if you were accepted by the President. I found you interesting to say the least, but you bonded so fast with SeungRi that I felt that I had no chance.

Remember that day I walked in on you in the shower? You were so calm about it, but when I finally stopped functioning on autopilot, I realized that I’d been incredibly slow. I should have kissed you then. I should have given you some inkling of an idea that I did care about you. Then I got the role in the drama with Lee Mi Cha and she was a nice distraction. I know she wasn’t the best person, but since she pushed you away from me, I thought maybe it was good so that I didn’t get so attached to you.

When you got drunk that night and confessed everything, I felt as though I’d been hit in the chest. I was stunned to say the very least. I couldn’t believe that you actually liked me. I honestly hadn’t picked up on the signs and I was mentally beating myself up for not noticing. And then, when you took those pills…I was so scared. It hurt my heart that I’d caused you that much pain. But when you rejected me and said that it was too little too late, I think I hurt that much more.

Since I’m being honest here, I was jealous of you and SeungRi when you got out of the hospital. Every time JiYong would go off on a rant about your public displays of affection I would think that could have been me. Watching you both though, I grudgingly admit that I don’t believe I could make you as happy as he does.

I want to say congratulations to you both. You’re going to be an ahjumma before you hit twenty one. Not many women can say that. Between you and me, I think Dara noona is slightly jealous. Before I end this, I want to say that I hope you will always think fondly of me as your oppa, and I will think of you as my dear little sister. Stay out of trouble until I can come visit you and my niece! Fighting!

                                                                                                            -Daesung