“Hi everyone. Before you go any further, I will warn you beforehand that this will be a very long post. This is by far my longest post. This special post is dedicated to all the idol supporters, whether you’re a Hottest or not, so I hope you will read this thoroughly because every word comes from the bottom of my heart.

 First of all, before anything else and before you hear any preposterous twisted version of news or gossip about me, thank you. I can’t find another word synonymous to “thanks” for you to understand the depth of my gratitude. We idols say it all the time: thank you, and you’re probably sick of hearing it already. I lived majority of my life being in the public eye, and being a performer. You witnessed me grow up. You witnessed me succeed. You witnessed me fail. You witnessed my constantly changing hairstyles. You all know everything about me to the point where I feel you know me more than I know myself. But the Nichkhun you know is the “Idol Nichkhun”, the one onstage singing, dancing, doing fanservice, and acting for a commercial. That is the Nichkhun you came to know. You are convinced to believe that performing is all I live for, that my whole world revolves around it, that I have no life or concern other than those.

The truth is, I am just like any other guy. I am painfully normal; it just so happens that I have a cooler job. I make mistakes, I get pimples, I get diarrhea, I burp, I watch , I curse, I get drunk, and yes, I fall in love—just like everyone else. I cannot live up to the perfect image you expect me to, because believe it or not, I am anything but perfect. You have looked up to us, put us on a pedestal like we are saints, and we appreciate that, but you have to understand we cannot live up to your expectations all the time. The entertainment world is a scary place. Sometimes I feel suffocated and imprisoned. I can’t go to Hongdae when I want to, I can’t go out without people following me, and I can’t spend time outdoors without a disguise. Everything is limited in my private and social life and it’s frustrating. I am frustrated that I have to hide the real side of me in order to please the whole world, that I have to be this different person in front of an audience. It doesn’t have to be that way.

I want to be open to you, to my fans, and I want you to accept me. I wish you could accept the side of Nichkhun that you don’t know. If you truly were a supporter of mine, you would accept my flaws, and especially my decisions. I want to be able to share my happiness to you when I’m happy, my sadness when I’m sad, without having to worry about people’s reactions. I regret to say I cannot be a good role model and example all the time because no matter how hard I try to be someone else or no matter how much I struggle to keep a perfect and ideal persona, my flaws will eventually come out and everyone will hate me for it. I love my job, and if given the chance, I would do this again in another life, but I never thought the pressure and the attention could be so unbearably suffocating. If this continues, I’m afraid I won’t be able to go on anymore. I might just give up on everything.

 I’m sorry for these blunt words, but I feel I have a right to express them even though JYP might fire me for it. You also have a right to know the truth and the truth is, there are a lot of decisions I want to make and undertake, and one of them includes being with someone I love. There’s someone I want to be with right now, and you probably know that by now, but circumstances have prevented me from being with her, and it has caused me immense pain and suffering, nothing like I’ve felt before. I promised myself that once I’ve found someone I truly care about, I’d tell the whole world at any cost, and set aside the fact that it will have its drawbacks. So now, I officially proclaim that I’ve found that person. And I’ve never been happier. And if it’s not too much to ask, I’d want you to be happy for me too. I rarely got to make big sweeping decisions on my own, and now I want to follow my heart. I am not demanding everyone to support this; I am simply asking you to understand.

Again, thank you, and at the same time, I apologize it has to be this way. I do not regret doing this, and I will never do. I owe you the truth, and you’ve got it. Whatever becomes of everything, I will remain strong and continue to work hard for everyone, because my love always prevails.”

In a matter of hours, Khun’s fan café crashed caused by too much traffic. His entry served as an official statement and the whole Korean internet has been buzzing about this daring and candid fan café entry. Khun didn’t even bother to browse the internet for the feedback and comments. He felt two things after writing the entry: scared and dignified. But because he decided not to look at how people reacted, s did it for him in secret. There was some backlash, coming from hardcore and deluded fan girls whose version of reality is heavily clouded. However, the majority of the netizen population had nothing but positive thoughts for Khun and his words. Some had even praised him for doing such a courageous thing—speaking in all honesty, in a way that idols are restricted to do. Big entertainment websites have also posted articles on him, claiming how he had started an “idol revolution”, speaking up with no hold barred.

Taecyeon was immersed in browsing through the international websites to see how the English speaking fans were taking this. He was looking at the comments in websites such as allkpop.com and he was sure that everyone was on Khun’s side, cheering him on and giving him virtual high-fives of approval. Although this wasn’t Taec’s battle, he couldn’t help but feel proud of , who was able to stand up and say what other idols have been keeping quiet about. People began to think that it’s because he was a foreigner that he had the strength to pluck up the courage to do it but it wasn’t—it was because of love.

JYP had finally came out from evasion and rang the doorbell to 2PM’s dorm. He had come to see Khun himself. He didn’t look upset, but nor did he look too enthralled. He was in his businessman demeanor. He and Khun took a seat at the dining table, away from the other members’ ears. It took JYP a while to say anything. He was moving his eyebrows in a peculiar manner, like he always does when he’s thinking hard. It gave Khun suspense.

“You really like her that much, huh?” was his first reaction.

Khun laughed internally. It was very typical of JYP to make light of serious matters as icebreakers. Khun nodded as-a-matter-of-factly.

“Well, from what I’ve read, I believe you took a giant leap. I’m not going to lie, it could get you into trouble and I feel like you were saying that agencies make idols suffer.”

“No I wasn’t imposing on people to think that at all. It was a personal insight. I never said anything about the company suffocating me, I just said this mere profession is suffocating.”

“I know, I know, relax don’t get your up in a bunch. Well, people have been calling me non-stop thanks to you. They weren’t exactly complaints but they were more curious of what I had to say in this. A lot of people are asking for an interview of you but I don’t think that’s a good move.”

“What is your say in this?” Khun asked, immensely curious how his boss felt about this whole issue. He has been MIA for quite a time, making it a point that he won’t have anything to do with his and Victoria’s affair.

“Personally I think it’s something out of my hands. Things like this are inevitable. My usual concern is how the public would receive this and seeing as it hasn’t reached the level of mass suicide yet, I’ll take it as a positive outcome. However, the only thing I’m disappointed at is how you lied to me, Khun.”

Khun disliked the word disappointed. He didn’t mind making JYP angry and pissed but to disappoint someone was something Khun did not like at all. He despised being a disappointment and he most definitely did not like being a liar. He knew he had lied to JYP, his boss and creator, and he knew he had disappointed him big time.

“I know I am tough on you and the boys. But don’t take it as something against you. I know you can treat me like a parent, a friend, and you are open to do whatever you like in front of me but don’t forget that I am still your boss. I made the rules for the welfare of everybody.”

“Hyung, I’m sorry if I lied to you. If I had told you the truth, you would’ve stopped me at all costs from seeing her.”

“Would I? Did I stop you when I overheard you and the members talking about it in the gym?”

“No but you gave us a whole pep talk about being irresponsible. Same thing, hyung.”

“I just want what’s best for everyone.”

“Clearly you didn’t see me when I bled myself to death when Victoria and I broke up. If you want what’s best, you would want me to be happy with her.”

“People might approve of this, but there are backlashes you know.”

“I don’t really care, hyung. Don’t all idols have haters here and there? Besides, if that Jonghyun news died down in a matter of days, this would too.”

“There’s really no use of talking you out of this, is there?”

JYP looked defeated, for once. Khun smiled a crooked smile.

“To be honest, if this was a normal job and I had to choose, I’d quit and choose her.”

JYP shook his head in either amusement or disdain, and pat Khun sympathetically on the back as he got up from his seat.

“Love makes us stupid and daring, Khun. Be careful. You’re kind of dim to begin with.” The boss joked for the first time in a long time.

JYP was out the door before Khun finally realized that he, after everything he’d been through, after all the women he had to sleep with to get over the fact that he’s crazy over one girl, after all the lies he had to say as an artist to cover up his flaws and avoid being misjudged, after all the hiding and deceiving, after all the secret crying, had actually prevailed and won.

Following suit after his brave and noble act, Kyuhyun had updated his cyworld with an entry as well. It was an apology letter to everyone for giving tactless answers in his interview. Although SM had already released an official statement regarding this, he still opted to tell everyone himself because he couldn’t bare being mum about it, especially since it involved Victoria.

“I really am sorry.” Kyuhyun apologized to her again over the phone.

“Kyuhyun, stop. The reporters weren’t even supposed to be there, you are bedridden.”

“I still feel stupid though. Next time I won’t take a lot of painkillers anymore.”

“How about next time, don’t get into car accidents anymore.”

“I do admit though, I’m quite enjoying reading articles of our scandal. At least in the headlines we can be a couple.”

“Please, don’t’ start that again.”

“It’s all good, Song. I’m happy if you’re happy. Once I get out of this hospital, I’ll prove it to you.”

“Arasso.”

“Just an advise though. Just because it’s out that you and Nichkhun kind of have a thing, don’t go out in public just yet. It’s too soon. Do what Jonghyun did. He chose to lay low.”

“I know, I know. The company forbade the media to ask questions regarding Khun in interviews and press cons. I wonder how that will turn out.”

“I hope you’re doing okay.”

“I am. I really am. I knew this would happen eventually but it turned out better than I expected.”

For the first time, Victoria felt she didn’t have to hide anything anymore. It was a huge chip off her shoulder. She didn’t care if new anti-Victoria websites have doubled now. She didn’t care if pro-Khuntoria and anti-Victoria are having a fan war. She didn’t care what people thought. For the first time, she didn’t care. She has the right to be with whomever she likes and if anyone had a problem with that then they can cry as much as they want. She liked Korean fans in general but she didn’t feel sorry for the despicable ones who sent her death threats daily. She went on with her group’s activities as if nothing happened. Same with 2PM—business as usual. There seemed to be no sign of the buzz dying down but what’s funny about the entertainment business is that everything and everyone gets overshadowed by someone else in no time: news broke out that 4minute is in talks of a possible disbanding. It was instant media frenzy and suddenly, the Victoria-Nichkhun ordeal is nothing but an irrelevant issue now. Much to everyone’s delight, Victoria and Khun can already breathe in relief now that they’re not in the spotlight anymore. They haven’t spoken to each other properly since they’ve officially become known. It was safe to avoid each other while the news was still fresh after all. But now that it has died down, it gave Khun the cue to go to her without hiding.

He sat in the car outside her dorm building, waiting for her to come down. When she came in she was huffing at him in annoyance.

“Can’t a girl get ready properly?” she hissed. Khun had made her dress in a hurry. He didn’t like waiting much, just like all men.

“You take an hour to get dressed.”

“I want to look presentable!”

“You look good whatever you wear.”

“Oh shut up, that doesn’t make me feel good.”

“You need to stop whining, it’s been a long time since we saw each other.”

Victoria gaped in disbelief at her boyfriend.

“WHINING?” she repeated, venom in her voice.

, Khun thought. Here they go again.

“Alright that’s it, you can go out by yourself.” Victoria said and got off the car. She started walking on her own. Khun sighed and drove the car following her at her walking speed. He rolled down the window.

“Come on, get in. I’m sorry.” He said, carefully driving at a very slow speed.

“No. Your whiny girlfriend hates your face.”

“Please? We haven’t seen each other in weeks and I just want us to have fun.”

“Go home.”

“Noona, please.”

That was the first time he addressed her as noona and something about it took command over her. He was using his aegyo to get her. Victoria stopped her steps and crossed her arms at him. He looked like he was advertising a car commercial with the way he looked on the wheel.

“You get on my nerves a lot. You won’t always get away with it with your cuteness, just so you know.” She told him.

“I’m not being cute. Just come inside so we can go, please?”

She rolled her eyes and complied. She angrily opened the door and got back in. Khun puckered up his lips to give her a big smack but she put her whole palm on his face and pushed it away from her as if he had germs.

“What, you’re not going to kiss me now?” he said.

“I don’t like you right now.”

“It’s okay you still .”

“I can’t imagine being like this everyday with you for the rest of my life.”

“I can.”

“Why can’t you stop being annoying?”

“How do I annoy you?”

“Your cheesy lines, your insistence that you should do everything for me, your acting cute to get away with things, your patronizing, your fruity choice of music, your goofy smile when I’m mad at you—there, that stupid, stupid smile you’re doing right now, God!”

“I’m sorry I get really when you’re yelling at me, I don’t mean to disrespect you.”

“Oh and your obsession with , it gets on my nerves a lot.”

“I’m sorry but I want to annoy you forever. You know why? Because that’s what true love is. Annoying the hell out of each other, fighting, getting mad, seeing each other’s flaws yet still getting .”

“I’m not the slightest bit by you.”

“You know what, even if you’re a pain in my half the time, I still love you.”

At this point, Victoria exhaled loudly and began ranting shrilly in Chinese.

“Oh so that’s how it’s going to be.” He said, and as he drove the car in full speed, he began ranting loudly in Thai.

Minutes passed and their multi-lingual argument has died down. There was only silence in the car as they drove to the beach. The angry silence was deafening and in that silence, they both pondered if they were a normal couple. Was it normal to fight in different languages? Was it normal to be always fighting like this? It was exhausting, and in the future, it probably won’t end well. She gazed out the window for a long time, looking at anything besides Khun. She was frustrated at how immature he is, and how juvenile he sometimes acted. She didn’t want a kid husband; she wanted a real man. The stoplight turned red and there they were in the middle of a traffic jam.

“Hey.” He spoke up.

She turned to him. He didn’t even have to say anything, she could see it in his doe eyes how much love there was in the way he looked at her. He reached for her hand and held it.

“People think we’re so perfect and that our life must be a fairy tale.” She said quietly, thinking of the irony.

People did think that they were a couple made in heaven ever since news broke out. Their story comprised of lies, one night stands with different women, with best friends, self-destruction after break-ups—no, this wasn’t a fairy tale at all.

“You don’t really meet my standards, you know.” She told him. “My ideal types are manly, mysterious older guys who brood a lot.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel weak or something? What’s wrong with you?”

“No, it’s not. Love is finding someone who doesn’t meet any of your standards and yet you still say, ‘You’re the right one’ and…whether I like it or not, you’re still the right one, no matter how many times you screw up.”

“Do you really think I screw up a lot? I mean, should I—“

“You do, but you make up for it all the time.”

“I’m sorry in advance for the future screw ups. I know I’m not an expert in this whole commitment thing but I’ll keep trying, even if it means having to fight with you everyday…because I want this. I want us, and if it takes a million screw ups to make us stronger I’ll do it.”

Silence hung in the air as the radio droned on. Gradually it would fill up the small silence that had taken place. Katy Perry’s Not Like the Movies played at the right timing and mood, making the scene even more something like that of a music video.

Victoria pondered as they were stuck there in that position, in the middle of traffic. He might not have met her original standards but this future kid groom sure knows how to make her damn happy. Her parents had no clue about what has been happening and she’s got a feeling that they would not be pleased if they found out about their daughter’s boyfriend through the TV. She looked at Khun, as if wondering whether there was something missing from him but there wasn’t. She embraced everything about him, even his flaws. Nothing was missing. In fact, he’s the piece that perfectly fit her puzzle of a life. He noticed her staring at him in a funny way.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” he asked her doubtfully.

She narrowed her eyes into slits and smiled.

“Do you want to meet my parents in China?”

*************************************************************************************

Song in this chapter:

Not Like the Movies - Katy Perry