“I don’t know why but my seat feels different.” Wooyoung said as soon as they all got inside the van, ready to depart for home. Khun and Victoria tried not to look guilty, as they were the ones that made good and illegal use of the van the previous night.

They still had a bad hangover, so everyone was quiet and chose to sleep but poor Junsu had to drive all the way back to Seoul. Victoria received text messages from her members, saying that she had to come home quickly.

They’re probably hungry again, Victoria thought.

She leaned on Khun’s shoulder the whole ride, thinking how it would be nice to return to being normal and ordinary citizens. They were free to do whatever they wanted, go wherever they wanted. It’s not that she regretted choosing this career, but sometimes she wished it wouldn’t be so hard on their personal lives. It was a sunny and beautiful day. She felt at ease, and she felt complete. That is, until she got home.

After bidding goodbye to 2PM she hurried to her dorm, excited to share stories to her members. But as soon as she entered, her manager, and the rest of her members were gathered in the dining table, looking as though they had lost everything. Krystal exhaled a huge sigh of relief when she saw Victoria come in and ran up to hug her.

“What’s wrong?” Victoria asked, flabbergasted.

Her manager uncrossed his arms and dialed on his phone.

“Kyuhyun’s been in another car accident the other night. We've been waiting for you. He’s now in critical condition.” He explained glumly, before putting the phone on his ear.

“What…” Victoria said but no sound came from . She looked at the others. Luna and Sulli looked like they had been crying. Amber hung her head low.

“He escaped death once again, unnie. But he’s still in critical condition. It was a complete wreck.” Krystal whimpered, still hugging her.

“It’s all over the news now. I’m having a huge sense of déjà vu, unnie. This is just like years ago, only worse.” Luna spoke up, her voice scratched.

Her manager was talking to somebody on the phone, pacing back and forth in the living room.

Victoria felt her knees weakening, she couldn’t help but fall to the floor and cover . Krystal held on her.

“What happened, exactly?” Victoria tried to breathe properly. She felt suffocated and distraught from this piece of news.

“It was a bus, unnie. A bus. He had been drinking. We just found out last night since all of us were out all day yesterday.” Sulli cried, remembering the horrific images she saw on the internet of Kyuhyun’s wrecked car.

“Oh my god.” Victoria almost gagged with her tears as she ran to the bathroom and locked herself in for a few minutes.

Just last night everything was perfect and in place. How could everything spiral down overnight? How could horrible things happen at this time? She kept the faucet running and splashed water on her face violently, trying to see if she would wake up from this morning nightmare. But it was real. It was all real.

Her manager knocked on the bathroom door.

“We’ve been given permission to visit him later.” He said, as soon as she opened it.

The most horrible thing was Victoria felt somehow at fault. She was the reason why he had been drinking. She was out all day and night, having fun while Kyuhyun was in a car accident. She literally felt like throwing up. She wanted to see him more than anything. She insisted that she be taken to his hospital immediately, so she left first without her members and manager. Zhou Mi was on his way there as well.

When she arrived, there was already a swarm of reporters and photographers hounding on any celebrity to arrive at the scene. She paid no heed to them, did not wave or smile, nor answered any of their questions. She went straight to where some Super Junior members were waiting with their managers and SM staff. As soon as Heechul saw her coming, he approached her halfway and they embraced like family. Changmin, who Kyuhyun and Victoria was also close to, also welcomed her with a hug. Almost all Super Junior members were there, looking worried and sleepless.

“He’s in the ICU right now. Only two people are allowed so we let his parents go in instead.

“How bad is it?” Victoria dared to ask. She didn’t realize she was crying already.

“He broke a few ribs. His hip has already been fractured in the accident before so now it got worse. He also has a traumatic brain injury, but we don’t know yet if it will affect his physical abilities later on. His forehead was cracked so he had to have lots of stitches. His surgery is done.” Heechul explained.

“The doctor said he was slipping in and out of consciousness when he arrived here. So, that’s a good sign at least.” Changmin added.

“He’s not in a coma is he?” she asked, terrified.

“No, thank god.” Heechul smiled.

At least that made her feel ten times better. All she wanted was for him to wake up soon, so that she could apologize for everything, and for absolutely nothing. She sat in the lounge with the rest of boys. Minho was there, familiar SM staff were there as well—the hospital had become a waiting room for SM artists. She was dizzy from her hangover and the growing anxiety that Kyuhyun might not to be able to function well for a long time again, just like last time, years ago. She talked to the other boys, it seemed to ease her. When Zhou Mi arrived, she ran to him and hugged him like she had been waiting for him since forever. Everyone filled him in with Kyuhyun’s condition. He seemed to be calm, but not any less worried than the rest.

“I think it’s my fault.” Victoria told him discreetly.

“Don’t be stupid, he was drunk and he’s a terrible driver to begin with.” Zhou Mi comforted her.

“You don’t understand, he called me before it happened. He seemed to be drinking because of me.”

“That doesn’t make it your fault. Look, just stop thinking about it for a while. Let’s just wait for him to wake up.”

The army of reporters and photographers did not cease coming. As if their annoying presence wasn’t enough, large amount of fans came, crying and offering flowers and gifts for Kyuhyun. The hospital was now a media hotspot. Not for long, the Super Juniors one by one had to leave. Some had priorities and work to do. Reluctant as they all were to leave, they had to work and move on. It was also because the media was getting out of hand and too much artists and media in one place would be detrimental to the privacy of the patients of the hospital. Only a handful stayed—Victoria, Zhou Mi, Changmin and Siwon. By afternoon, f(x) members came and by that time, the police had to ban any reporter or photographer from the hospital grounds so that big artists can come and go as they please to visit their friend without pandemonium happening.

“He’s still in the ICU.” Victoria told her members who were all shaken up. They were, after all still very young. Seeing as none of them weren’t allowed to visit him yet, the f(x) members went home soon enough. Victoria and the rest of her male friends chatted about serious matters once again. Super Junior had so many plans to do yet Kyuhyun won’t be able to do any of them. Siwon had been praying silently the whole time, texting his Christian friends to do the same. Night came, and Victoria’s manager begged her to go home. She wouldn’t comply, but somehow her manager did not bother to argue with her anymore. It was a serious situation, and no one was more bothered about this than Victoria. Night came, and Victoria needed sleep but she couldn’t go home. She couldn’t, not until she could see Kyuhyun. Her phone rang and saw that it was Khun.

“Hello?” she said, almost inaudibly.

“I heard what happened.”

“Yeah I’m in the hospital now.”

“I’m sorry. I feel bad about it, even though we don’t really get along.”

“I know. I know you’re not a bad guy.”

“How is he?”

“He’s still in the ICU. I’ve been wanting to see him but still can’t.”

“How are you?”

“Not so good. I just…I want him to wake up you know? He’s my closest friend. I don’t think I will be okay until he’s okay.”

“I understand.”

She didn’t quite feel like talking to Khun at this time. She still felt partially responsible for what happened to Kyuhyun. All she could think about is him, lying there on the hospital bed, bloody and broken.

“I can’t talk right now. I’ll call you when something comes up.” Victoria said, trying to regain back some strength.

“Alright.”

Once she hung up, Kyuhyun’s doctor came out of the ICU.

“He’s slightly awake.” He said.

Everyone concerned stood up at this news.

“If one of you wish to see him—“

“I will.” Victoria immediately volunteered.

“Very well. We’ll only allow you a certain amount of time. The patient needs to rest.”

Victoria nodded eagerly and followed the doctor inside.

There he was, lying on the bed, attached to some machines that helped him breathe. He was bandaged everywhere and his face was bruised and cut. Other than that, he still looked like a handsome celebrity to Victoria. Her eyes watered as she smiled and sat beside him. A tube was attached to his nose and his other eye was swollen and purple. The bandage on his head was bloody. His hospital top was open, so she could see his upper torso was all wrapped in white. He had broken his ribs after all. Victoria held his hand gently. Kyuhyun slowly moved his head to face her.

“You stupid boy.” Was all that she said before tears welled up. She moved closer so that her chin rested on his pillow. She held on to his hand, not planning on letting go of it. She could’ve sworn that his lips twitched to a smile.

“I need you to recover fast.” She whispered, his cheek ever so gently.

Kyuhyun sort of moved his head in a nod. Victoria had to stop him, before he does further damage to his head injury. She looked at him longingly. It occurred to her how much he loved this boy dearly; how much it hurt her to see him in this condition. This close brush of death made her miss him even more—and more guilty for ever hurting his feelings. She held his hand with both of hers and kissed it lovingly.

“Please get well soon. So that I can beat you up for being so irresponsible.” She smiled through her tears. Kyuhyun responded by gripping her hand tightly. He could not talk. Whether from injury or from trauma, she did not know. She was just glad that he was awake.

“I will be here. Everyone will be here for you. From now on, I will take care of you.” She promised, and leaned in to kiss his cheek. She stood up, ready to leave, but Kyuhyun gripped her hand tightly, trying to make her stay. She leaned back in and whispered in his ear.

“Be strong, Kyuhyun-ah. I love you.”

He showed a smile once more, and loosened his grip in her hand. His life hung on the hope of seeing her again. Before she was about to leave, he pointed at his bedside table. On top of it was his wallet. It seemed to her that he wanted her to take something. Understanding, she picked it up and opened it. There was a folded paper sticking out. She took it and turned to him. He pointed at it and then to her.

“This isn’t a suicide note is it?” she asked jokingly.

Kyuhyun shook his head.

“Arasso. I’ll read it later. Rest now. I’ll be back soon.”

Victoria left the ICU, feeling much better now that she was able to see him doing fine. She was finally ready to go home to get some sleep. She called for her manager to pick her up as she watched Zhou Mi, Siwon and Changmin go inside the ICU one after the other. As she waited, she decided to read the paper that Kyuhyun had given her. It took her a while to recognize her own handwriting. It was not until the second sentence that she remembered this letter. She had written it for him, years ago.

Dearest dongsaeng Kyuhyun,

I know you’re busy right now. I don’t see you often anymore so I couldn’t tell you how I feel right now. Also, everything sounds better on paper. We’re nearing our debut, but I’m having second thoughts. I’m really tired nowadays, because everything is still so unfamiliar and strange to me—except you, and Zhou Mi. I feel better when you’re around. Right now I can’t sleep so I decided to write this. I feel so bothered and lonely. What if no one likes me when I debut? What if I can’t get along with other celebrities? I only have you. If you promise to never leave, I promise to never leave as well. Look after me, I’ll look after you. In the future, when something goes wrong, I’ll always have you to fall back on.

I love you. Now, forever, and everyday in between.

Vic

She folded the letter back, as a rush of nostalgia overcame her. She wrote this letter during a time when she was depressed and worried about being a celebrity in this foreign country. She had doubts and only relied on Kyuhyun. He never replied to this letter if she remembered correctly, but he kept it all along, after all these years, he carried it with him in his wallet like some sort of lucky charm. She pondered on why he had given it back to her. As she played with the paper haphazardly while fighting with herself not to fall asleep in the waiting lounge, it dawned on her. Maybe he wanted her to keep that promise. Maybe he wanted them to keep their promise even though their friendship right now is on a bumpy road. Maybe he still kept his hope, just as much as she did. He wanted her to look after him at this time, just like he did when she first came. Her manager arrived at last, and as soon as she got in the van, she fell into seep slumber. It has been very eventful these past few days for her.

Days passed, but the news of Kyuhyun’s accident never seemed to die down. It was still all over headlines. Surprisingly, his condition progressed rather faster than it did in his previous accident. Victoria’s frequent visits must have been of help, but no one exactly knew why. He started to talk again, to everyone’s delight. Victoria had just finished her schedule and as tired as she was, she went to her routinely visit to Kyuhyun’s bedside. She read him the newspaper out loud, struggling with her Korean reading comprehension. Kyuhyun was smiling as she did so, listening patiently.

“I don’t get it. So many bad news are on the front page but when you turn to page two, it’s all about cosmetic surgery and liposuction.” Victoria said disapprovingly, after reading to him the whole front page. Kyuhyun chuckled silently.

“So how are you and Nichkhun?” he asked out of the blue, so casually.

She was quite taken aback. Had he hit his head that hard to have asked her this?

“Uhm, we’re fine. We haven’t talked in the last few days but later we’re going out with Super Junior oppas to have dinner.” She replied, a little uncomfortable.

Kyuhyun nodded. “I think I’m the only member who isn’t close to him.”

Victoria had to restrain a laugh. You can say that again, she thought. She fluffed his pillow and straightened out his blanket like a mother. She had been doing this every 30 minutes or so. Kyuhyun kept count and watched the clock as she did it every now and then. It amused him.

“Nice ring.” He commented, referring to the ring Khun’s mom had given her.

Involuntarily, she looked at it and fidgeted with it nervously. This was supposed to be a secret, but she never kept things from Kyuhyun. However, she wouldn’t feel right telling him all about it.

“Thanks, it’s an antique.” She said, avoiding his gaze on her. Kyuhyun showed his handsome crooked smile that Victoria fell for the first time she met him.

“I’m not stupid, Song. That’s an engagement ring. Though it’s not a diamond, it’s screaming ‘Marry me!’ judging by the way it looks on your left ring finger.” He said, a tone of amusement in his voice.

“I’m not engaged.” She said defiantly as she clutched her left hand.

“You’re not engaged officially, but you know where you’re going.” He said preponderantly as if he knew everything about her life.

“I prefer not to speak of my private life.” She said in a snooty way, pursing her lips.

Kyuhyun shook his head and sniggered. He knew her too well.

“You know, I almost died.” He said.

“I’m aware of that. It’s the second time.”

“Do you know that my life flashed before me when I hit the bus?”

“So it’s true? When people are about to die they see things?”

“It’s true. I saw myself when I was a baby, I saw my parents, I saw my fans, and I’m pretty sure there were parts about you.”

She knew where this was going. She wasn’t about to turn him down again in his condition. She hated the fact that she can’t hate him for pursuing her. She just couldn’t.

“Kyuhyun…” she began.

“I’ll always think of you, Vic. It doesn’t matter if you’re in love with someone else or if you’re married. You’ll always be a part of my life whether you like it or not. But as I was dying, I realized that even after I’m gone, if I had died, your life would still go on—“

“No it wouldn’t—“

“Yes it would. Listen first. If I had died, your life wouldn’t be over. I know I’m not the one who’ll make you happy, I accept that. I know that, but I still love you.”

Kyuhyun paused as he saw Victoria show a look of guilt and remorse.

He went on. “But I guess if I love you, I’ll have to let you go.”

“Are you breaking your friendship with me again?”

“No. It’s the opposite of that. If I truly want to let you go I would want to be able to face you everyday and accept it. I have a brain concussion, a hundred or so stitches, broken ribs, but this…this fact that I’m going to face, hurt the most. But it’s okay because I know you will be happy with him. It sounds mushy I know, but facing near-death like this again made me want to do things differently.” He paused again, and looked away for a second to gather his thoughts. It wasn’t helping that he had some serious head injury and to muster the strength to say these out loud was even more of a burden.

Victoria hugged him ever so carefully; his bones weren’t completely healed yet. He was so fragile and helpless under her arms, she almost felt as if he was a baby. She kissed his head.

“If I were reincarnated in the next life, I would choose to love you.” She told him.

“That’s too bad because I want to be reincarnated as a sea turtle.”

Then they both laughed like the playful friends they used to be.

“Oh and on your wedding day, I would stand up in front of the whole audience and object to it.” He added, making that smile that he always does when he’s teasing her. Victoria let out an exasperated sigh and nudged him on the arm.

“Ow!” he winced, clutching his ribs.

“I’m sorry!” she quickly said, holding him like a child.

She had totally forgotten he was badly injured.

That afternoon, Donghae, Heechul, Siwon and Eunhyuk left the hospital with her after they all visited Kyuhyun. They were going to meet with Taec, Khun, and Minho to eat out. It’s funny to think that there are wars amongst fans, creating fuss about rivalry among these idols but in reality, when various idols come together to eat, it’s actually world peace. The moment they all met in the restaurant they all hugged like old friends, even Khun and Victoria. They treated each other as casual friends since they were out in public, and also because of the prying eyes of Pastor Siwon. They were in a fancy Samgyeopsal restaurant where they had to sit on the floor and everywhere it was surrounded by beautiful aquariums filled with swimming fish. Victoria sat across Khun, who couldn’t say a word because the topic everyone was talking about was Kyuhyun’s condition. Both had a millions things to say to each other but couldn’t even open their mouth amidst the loud chattering of Super Junior and everyone else, added by the loud music booming over the restaurant. All they could do was stare at each other’s eyes now and then, sending all kinds of signals, transmitting silent messages. Little by little, the crowd in the restaurant left, until the only people there was them. It was getting late, and they had just finished one round of soju. Victoria excused herself to go to the bathroom. She splashed some water on her face and looked at herself in the mirror.

This is the exact reason why we can’t go on with our relationship anymore, she thought to herself as she stared at her reflection.

They can’t be themselves in public. They were sitting in front of each other but neither of them could say anything, do anything. Not unless they were far away from people’s eyes. She walked out of the bathroom but along the way, she marveled at the beautiful fishes swimming in blue light in the line of huge aquariums. She looked at the whole display, as if she was in a museum. The music playing in the restaurant changed into a beautiful old song from a movie she knew. It was I’m Kissing You by Des’ree. Being there alone with the swarms of fishes made her feel peaceful. She tapped on the glass once in a while, hoping to communicate with the fish. As she was ogling through the glass, she saw Khun’s eyes before her. She straightened up, and realized he was on the other side of the fish tanks. He smiled, and she smiled in return. They couldn’t touch or reach other, as both were separated by a line of huge aquariums. They could only smile at each other through the blue waters. It was the only way they could be with each other in peace tonight. She would walk slowly, and he followed her like a reflection on glass. The beautiful moment was like an exact replica of the scene from the 1996 movie Romeo and Juliet. Khun was Leonardo DiCaprio and Victoria was Claire Danes. Was it fate, or was it just a coincidence?

“Tell me something.” She told him, her voice slightly inaudible from across the fish tanks.

Khun ran his finger across the glass.

“Tell you what?” he said, mesmerized by the blue water.

“Anything. A story.” She said.

He stopped and stared at her once again. She looked like a mermaid surrounded by beautiful fish and blue light. How could someone look breathtaking with a fish tank in front of them?

“Once upon a time, there was girl.” He began in a narrator’s voice.

“Brown hair, black eyes. When she cried, I cried.”

Her lips curled to a smile. It’s strange—he has seen her smile so many times yet it still sent shockwaves through his veins whenever she did.

“When she smiled, I smiled.” He went on, smiling in return. “And every single thing that matters to me in some way, has to do with her.”

For an infinite amount of seconds, they just looked at each other, faces separated by glass. Victoria put her hand on it, and Khun did the same on the other side. And just as the moment became perfect, Victoria saw Yoona through the glass, greeting Khun with a grin. Khun looked away from Victoria, startled by Yoona’s sudden appearance. 

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References:

Khun's line taken from The Wonder Years

Aquarium scene inspired by Romeo & Juliet (1996) Directed by Baz Luhrmann Here's the clip of the beautiful scene.

Songs in this chapter: Look After You by The Fray and I'm Kissing You by Des'ree