Now Victoria has had recurring late periods in her life. She was just paranoid at this time because her life has been active lately. The previous night she was having worst-case scenarios like what if she was indeed pregnant and what if it was Kyuhyun’s child. She couldn’t get a wink of sleep. She went as far as regretting to ever having slept with Khun. She knew she was overreacting, but still, she decided she was going to clear her conscience and buy herself a pregnancy test, ready to face the truth.

Khun sat there beside her, stiff as a statue. He looked like he was constipated, after hearing her say she was late. Now Victoria knew how unready he was to even commit.

“You see? I just told you I’m late and you look like you’re about to die. This is what I’m talking about.” She scolded him. Just a while ago he was gushing about love and commitment but now he couldn’t even handle the news of her period being a little late.

“That’s beside the point, I just told you I love you but I didn’t say I’m ready for kids.” He finally spoke up.

“So that means you’re not ready for marriage.”

“In five years time, I will be.”

“A lot of things can happen and change in five years, honey.”

“I proposed to you because I know you’re the one I’m marrying in five years, ten years, fifty years I don’t care.”

“And what if I’m pregnant, Khun? I’m not trying to scare you. It’s a hypothetical question.”

Blood sort of drained from his face when she asked the question. He suddenly turned pale and he felt as f his tongue got twisted in a knot. It was a very serious question. She may or may not be pregnant. He squeezed her hand tightly, and thought how wonderful it would be to hold this hand for the rest of his life, even until it’s all wrinkly with veins showing.

“Then let’s keep the baby. Let’s run away. Quit this job and move away.” He said, as if it was such an easy thing to do. Victoria looked offended however.

“You are very delusional. Do you think my parents, who worked so hard to pay for my training in a dance academy, would just be fine with this? I broke up with you because I’m putting my career first. I worked so hard for it and you’re suggesting to throw it all away?”

“Do you want to be dancing on stage with a pregnant belly? Why are you so agitated? You’re not even sure you’re pregnant yet.”

Victoria’s eyes turned to slits because for some reason, she found him annoying once again. They’ve had many fights, petty and big one alike but all she could do at that moment was foresee how heir future would be like—being annoyed at each other for the rest of their lives. She wasn’t ready for it, let alone a baby. She quickly erased the baby thought. It was too soon to assume.

“I’d really hate being married to you.” She semi hissed.

“Well too bad because we’re stuck with each other.” He shot back.

“Has it never occurred to you that one day, after all of this, you go home where you belong and I go home to where I came from?” at this point, she stood up. She didn’t know where her anger was coming from. Maybe because he was so certain of their future together and she wasn’t. She was overcome with the fear that this pregnancy scare might be real. She hated how he had already decided the future for her when she’s so full of uncertainty. She was the woman after all. She was the one who would bear the child, get tortured in labor, be judged by the public when the news comes out, shunned by her family and whatnot. She felt too much pressure.

“Are you really bringing up a fight? Do you really want to fight right now?” Khun said, standing up as well.

She was scared. Terrified. An antique family ring on her finger meant for engagement, her period was late, and Khun talking about running away. It was all too much to handle.

“You’re going to meet a lot of girls along the way, Khun. If we get married, you’ll be forever tied down to me. I will be fat, I will be very moody and the children we’re going to have will unintentionally ruin our lives. You will cheat on me. That’s inevitable. I won’t be the same girl you met. Are you ready for that? Because I’m not. Stop talking about the future.”

Khun could see the frightened expression on her face and he knew that she was only saying these things out of fear. He stepped towards her but not before she stopped him.

“No, don’t. I know you’re going to be all sweet and understanding and hug me and comfort me, but don’t. I am scared right now and nothing and no one can comfort me. I just don’t want to think about the future, or marriage. I need to rethink everything first.” Then she slid off the antique ring from her finger and put it in his hand.

“I love you, Khun. More than anything, but right now it’s too soon to presume.” She said in a quiet and still voice. Khun held the ring tightly in his hand and balled his hand into a fist.

“I understand.” He said.

She clutched her bag and stepped backwards.

“I have to go. I’ll call you when I find out.” She told him, before turning around.

She wasn’t supposed to tell him about her skipping her period. It was a rule for girls to never tell their boyfriends unless they’re very sure they’ve got a bun in the oven because men cannot handle the mere late period news. But she had no choice. He was talking about Pablo Neruda’s definition of love, and getting married in five years, she couldn’t help it.  As soon as she arrived in their dorm, Zhou Mi was sitting at the dining table, as if waiting for her arrival.

“Oh thank god, did you buy it?” she said as soon as she saw him.

“You. You. Owe. Me. A lot.” He droned, not looking amused. He brought out a plastic bag from a supermarket.

“Thank you!” she exclaimed in relief and ran to hug him.

“I had to disguise myself well you know. I had to move fast like a ninja and I wouldn’t even do it if weren’t for you.” He said a tinge of annoyance in his voice.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you.” She repeated.

She got the box out—it was time to find out.

“Where are the members?” she asked him.

“Asleep. Your manager just left. I told him I would wait up for you so that he could leave.” He replied.

She stared at the box carefully, unsure whether to open it or not. She slumped on a chair and grimaced.

“What’s wrong? Is it not the right brand?” he asked.

“It’s fine, it’s just…I’m not sure if I’m ready to take it.”

“What?”

“Oppa what if it’s positive? I can’t, I can’t even begin to imagine how ruined my life would be.”

“This is why condoms were invented.”

“They reduce pleasure sensation—“

“Oh god don’t talk about this right now”

“Okay sorry. I’m just too scared right now.”

“Why prolong the agony? Look, if worst comes to worst, I’ll be here for you all the way. You and Nichkhun won’t face it alone.”

Victoria was about to smile but Zhou Mi had to ruin his comforting words.

“Or you and Kyuhyun…either way.” He added.

“Ah oppa don’t!”

Poor, oblivious Kyuhyun who was heartbroken and injured on a hospital should not deserve a fate of being a sudden father. Victoria did not even begin to think about the what ifs.

“It’s up to you. I have to go, it’s late. Whatever happens…I’ll be the baby’s godfather.”

“Shut up!”

Zhou Mi laughed and kissed her head before heading for the door.

“Tell me as soon as possible.” He said.

“I will.”

She sat there and stared at the box for what seemed like thirty minutes. She fought with herself, and ended up not doing the test. She hid the kit under her bed and went to sleep. That night, she dreamt that she was an obese mother with triplets, without Khun.

The next morning, as she was walking through the corridors of SM building, Yoona approached her.

“Unnie, we need to talk.” She told Victoria.

Yoona led her by the arm to the practice room.

“What’s wrong?” Victoria asked.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what?”

“That you and Khun had been seeing each other all along!”

“Sshh!”

Yoona covered and lowered her voice into a whisper.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she repeated.

“It’s not for anyone to know.”

“Well the Super Junior oppas seem to know. They had to tell me everything last night after I saw you and Khun on the curb.”

“You weren’t listening were you?”

“No. But why didn’t you just tell me? I dated him and everything. I told you things about him and you just…listened.”

“I thought it was best not to tell anyone.”

“I feel like such an idiot. Khun oppa, he…we…kind of…”

Victoria finished her sentence for her.

“Slept with each other? I know. It’s not your fault and what’s done is done, everything’s in the past now.”

Yoona put her hands on her cheeks. She was flustered and embarrassed. This was the awkward situation that she feared the most.

“You must think I’m a , huh.” Yoona whispered, her head hung low.

“No I don’t. The only in this situation is him, knowing how many models he slept with before you.”

“I never knew about that by the way.”

Victoria steered her attention back to her conversation last night with Khun.

“Why did you follow us outside?” Victoria suddenly asked curiously.

“I was supposed to follow after Khun oppa but now I know,” she paused to laugh uncomfortably. “That I should back off.”

Victoria smiled.

“We’re not really anything right now but basically, yeah, stay away from him.”

Then they both laughed to get rid of the awkwardness and weirdness of the situation. However, faking a laugh won’t get rid of Victoria’s current worry. Only Zhou Mi knew about her plight, so it’s pretty hard for a girl to keep this worry all by herself. The closest to a girl bestfriend she had was Amber and Park Gyuri but seeing as Amber was a devout Christian, she would not approve of her situation and Gyuri was busy in Japan.

For the following days, she avoided Khun. She didn’t answer any of his calls and only answered his text messages with short answers. When he would ask about the result, she wouldn’t reply. She waited anxiously for her period. She couldn’t talk to him unless her period came. She refused to use the pregnancy test because she wanted to believe that it’s a false alarm.

It’s been an entire week and still no sign of blood. She wallowed in the practice room alone, looking at her reflection on the mirror. I’m doomed, she thought. Someone from their agency will be doing a routine check-up with each girl idol for their monthly periods anytime, so she’s twice as worried. Her phone was ringing off the hook the previous night. It was Khun, who was just as anxious and worried. He knew she was scared, but he didn’t want her to face this alone. If only she would just talk to him. Just then, Donghae entered the room.

“Oppa.” Victoria greeted.

“Annyeong.” He smiled.

He sat beside her on the floor.

“Somebody’s worried about you. I was in a filming last night with him.” He began.

“Has he been spilling beans about us?”

“No. He just told me he’s worried. I asked him why and he said it’s just something between you two.”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

“He said you wouldn’t answer his calls.”

“I’m busy.”

“Sure you are. So that’s why he wanted to me to give you this and make sure you read it.”

He fished out an envelope from his pocket. It was another letter. Khun had so much gimmicks. She wasn’t going to lie to herself though, she enjoyed reading his letters. He was such a mushy but relatively good writer. She took it and opened the letter. She gave Donghae a suspicious look.

“Don’t peek.” She warned him.

“I won’t.”

She unfolded it and there it was—his adorable but clumsy handwriting.

Dear Victoria

I love you. I need to say it first in case I can’t say anything else. I have started this letter six times. I always get this far and then I find I have stared at the paper for a long time. I see us walking around that pond in that park, do you remember? I’d push you in that swing and you’d love it. Remember the first time we fought? I thought I had made the biggest mistake and you let me think I had, so I apologized to you at least 40 times. I’m sorry again. For everything, and for absolutely nothing. Because given the chance, I wouldn’t change a thing, because it would change you, and even a fraction of a difference would be too much.

I love drawing. I love to paint too but not a lot of people know. My paintings have changed now. My paintings now are like nothing I have ever done before and I know why. It’s because you eased the demons from me each night just by listening to me talk, and by holding me in bed. I used to see everything in black and white. But you taught me to look at the shades in between, how they soften the world so we can love it even when it hurts. Sometimes I want to grab you and tell you how we don’t belong in this place, that we should run away but I’m afraid you will put your career before me. I understand. You are like the paintings I wish I could paint but can’t. You are beyond my ability to define. I need you. You are my reds, and yellows, and greens, my indigo, emerald and ultramarine. I am only black.

At the back of the paper was a cute drawing of her sleeping. She smiled, her heart felt all warm and fuzzy again. Below the drawing he wrote,

I’m not pressuring you to marry me, but I like waking up to this every morning. Fat, skinny, short, tall, sick, healthy, angry, loving…all shades of your moods I’m willing to wake up to. 

I'll wait, like I always do.

“Wow he’s good at drawing.” Donghae pointed out.

“He paints too.” She said, unable to wipe the smile off her face.

“Well my job is done. It’s your job now to call him back.” Donghae said and stood up.

“Thank you oppa.”

“Anything for love.”

Victoria was touched by his letter no doubt but it wasn’t going to make her call him back; not just yet. She wasn’t through with her womanly problem. She decided to visit Kyuhyun at the hospital. It startled her that she missed Kyuhyun more than she missed Khun.

At the hospital, SNSD members were there in Kyuhyun’s room. It smelled of designer perfumer once she entered. It was different when SNSD was in a room. They were the prized artist of SM, or of whole Korea for that matter and the mere sight of them would make all the juniors want to sink down to their knees and respect them. They were right just about to leave when she arrived.

“Oh unnie.” Seohyun waved at her.

“Oh lover girl’s here. Where’s the boyfriend at?” Tiffany teased as they made their way out of the door one by one.

Victoria forced a smile amidst her surprise. How did she know, she thought. Then she remembered Yoona had a big mouth.

Hyoyeon approached her discreetly.

“Ya why didn’t you tell us you sneaky little rascal. I thought you should know but he slept with one of my model friends too.” Hyoyeon gossiped.

“I know.”

Sooyoung butted in. “Don’t be fooled, girl.”

Yoona was nowhere to be seen as they all filed out the door one by one. Kyuhyun was just giggling at her own expense. The look of her flustered face was sunshine to Kyuhyun’s eyes.

“What are you snickering about?” she snapped.

He had gotten a lot better. There were no more bruises on his face but he still had bandages all over. She approached him and hugged him. He wasn’t able to sit up yet due to his broken ribs, but he put an arm around her as a hug in return. She then kissed him on the cheek.

“Please don’t do that I still get when you touch me.” He said.

She jokingly attempted to hit him on the chest. Kyuhyun slightly winced, his fear for his injuries were still pretty fresh.

“Any news?” he asked her as she sat on the armchair beside his bed.

“Well, all those who work in SM know about me and Khun right now, Khun and I aren’t talking and I’m late for my period.” She said all in one breath.

“Wow. Who’s the daddy?”

“Do you want more injuries?”

“If I’m the father, can we name the baby after a Warcraft character?”

“I wish you could have stayed mute.”

“I’m sorry, I just feel really high and lightheaded from all the painkillers they gave me. I feel funny, and my jaw is numb.”

“Oh that explains it.”

Victoria sighed and rested her head on his unscathed arm. As drugged as Kyuhyun was, he felt bad for her. He gently her hair in a caring, almost fatherly way.

“So I guess this is the wrong time to tell you.” He said.

“Tell me what?”

“Don’t get mad.”

“Tell me what Kyuhyun?”

He exhaled and tried to sit up in a proper position, struggling in the process.

“Well, this morning a bunch of journalists came to interview me about my condition and stuff like that. I just had an intake of like three doses of painkillers so I was pretty drugged and nonsensical in answering them. So when they asked what kept me going to live…”

He paused, reluctant and hesitant to continue. Victoria inched closer to him. She had a feeling this involved her in a major way.

“And?” she demanded.

“And…I said my family, and my girlfriend. And I said your name.”

Kyuhyun immediately closed his eyes for the storm of a fit that Victoria was going to throw. She gaped in horror and looked like she was going to flip.

“KYUHYUN!”

“I wish I stopped there but I didn’t. I don’t know why, I was feeling really funny that time and I kinda said…you were my girlfriend AND you’ve been dating Khun too.”

At this point Victoria stood up, her hands on .

“KYUHYUN WHAT DID YOU DO!” her voice was muffled but still full of disbelief.

“I’m sorry! Everything slipped from my mouth I had no idea what I was saying! Believe me. I only realized it after the morphine lost its effect on me. I was heavily dizzy. I really, really didn’t mean to say anything!” Kyuhyun pleaded, trying with all his might to explain his side. It didn’t calm Victoria down. She looked like her world was coming to an end.

“What were their reactions?” she was almost whispering now. She couldn’t find her voice.

“Well they were writing everything—“

“Oh no…”

“—and they had follow-up questions about you—“

“Oh no…”

“—like how long we’ve been together and if you and Khun sneaked out a lot…and I said yes.”

“OH NO.”

“You can injure me now, it’s okay.”

Victoria had tears in her dilated eyes. She felt as if she was spiraling down to an unknown dark place, to the point of no return.

“Kyuhyun, you have no idea how ruined Khun and I are once I leave this room. My whole world is shattered now.”

“I can clear things up. I’ll say that I was just heavily drugged and everything I said was not true.”

Victoria shook her head.

“It’s all over the news sites now and netizens are currently judging us by now. Nothing can calm them down at this point. That’s probably why SNSD know about him and me—“

“Yes, they just found out this morning too. Yoona wasn’t out with them because she was afraid she might get involved in this scandal.”

“Oh god.”

She wiped her tears and pacaed the room, clutching her head, and closing her eyes frantically.

“Please just let me clear things up. Everything will be fine.” Kyuhyun chided.

Her phone rang. She glanced at it. It was their boss, Lee Soo Man, personally calling her. She was, officially, doomed. She rejected it and found she had two missed calls from her manager.

“Lee Soo Man had been calling me awhile ago too. But he only asked how I was, nothing about what I said.” He said, hoping that she would calm down and not look like she was about to faint.

“I’m dizzy I need to go to the bathroom.” She ran to his bathroom and slammed the door shut. She opened the faucet and let the water run. She splashed some on her face. She sobbed, hoping to god this wasn’t the end of her reputation yet, hoping that no one believed any of what Kyuhyun had said. She gained her composure and decided to accept whatever comes with her head high. Her phone was ringing off the hook now, but she ignored it all. She would face all of them. She had to put up a brave fight. Before leaving, she sat on the toilet.

Blood on her underwear.

She didn’t feel any better, now that another huge problem came strutting along to play with her fate.

********************************************************************

REFERENCES:

Some Things That Stay (book) written by Sarah Willis

Songs in this chapter: We Are Man and Wife by Michelle Featherstone and It Ends Tonight by All-American Rejects