CHAPTER 9

The following days were a complete blur. Khun had stormed his way to JYP’s office without warning only to say that “We broke up. Thank you so much for caring about my life and future.” With heavy sarcasm and ending it with a 90 degree bow before leaving immediately. JYP had nothing to say mostly because he was too shocked to function. Victoria cried on Zhou Mi’s shoulder all night after she returned from the break-up. Although they kissed for nothing, Victoria did not have the heart to lie to Khun about being with Zhou Mi.

Khun kept playing John Mayer’s song “Victoria” on his player again and again, until he felt sick of hearing her name. He worried s and manager by displaying various kinds of behavior—it would change each day. Some days he would be silent, some days he would be emotional, and on some days, he could not even be approached.

EMO KHUN

Wooyoung: Hyung, what are you listening to?

Khun: She’s Out of my Life.

Wooyoung: Oh Michael Jackson. It’s a nice song.

Khun: Nice? The song is nice? The song is about a girl leaving the poor guy with nothing, hurting him, cutting his heart into pieces. It’s a miserable song about separation, desolation, how could you say it’s nice?

Wooyoung: …

ANGRY KHUN

Junho: Where’s Khun hyung? We’re late, the van is waiting.

Taec: Khun! Let’s go, you can’t be like this.

Khun: Shut up you’re annoyingly ugly.

Junho: Hey that’s not necessary. The two of us just want to--

Khun: Why don’t the two of you go on WGM then.

FANBOY KHUN

Khun: Where’s my F(x) album?

Chansung: I don’t know.

Khun: Well look for it!

Chansung: Hyung, I don’t know where to look! It’s probably gone.

Khun: Well goddamn it I paid for that, buy me another one from the store!

He scared s to death, but even so, no one could do anything about it. It was fine and bearable until he started drinking. They knew he always had a knack for drinking when they had free time, but he began drinking almost everyday. Sometimes they would catch him being drunk alone in his room with beer cans on the floor. It was close to getting out of hand.

Victoria was doing worse. Everyone knew that when she was sad, she would eat her feelings. But this kind of sadness was different. It was a whole new level of depression and frustration for her, so she did not eat at all. She had completely lost her appetite. When the manager would force her to eat, she would eat a few spoonful, which is why when f(x) would practice their dance, she would faint. Her superiors and producers talked to her about her condition, but the only thing she replied was “Isn’t this what you want? For me to be skinny?” She had lost her ability to be cheerful. She wouldn’t even cook for the members anymore. In their dorm, she only slept and talked to no one. A week and a half into the break-up and she has already lost ten pounds.

Both parties have made a silent decision not to contact each other at all.

Khun’s erratic behavior had taken its toll. Everyone knew he was a person of refinement, someone who would never do things tactlessly, someone who would never do anything stupid. Until one night. He was drunk again, in their dorm, and s were worried sick.

“Let’s hide all the alcohol in this house.” Junsu suggested and they did. It was the least they could do. No matter how much they screamed at him, he wouldn’t listen. So much for his angelic image.

“I need beer.” Khun slurred , his face completely flushed and his eyes bloodshot. He rummaged through the kitchen cupboards and drawers noisily, making a complete mess. Taec had to hold him back.

“Enough!” Taec told him but Khun brushed him aside.

“Leave me alone. Everyone’s always telling me what to do. Well guess what. I’m not an angel.” He spat and continued to make a mess.

Taec and Chansung restrained him once more.

“This is ridiculous. You’re being like this over a girl?” Taec seethed.

That was Khun’s cue to push him threateningly. Everyone got extremely quiet. Nobody has ever seen Khun like this before. He lifted his index finger and pointed at s.

“No one. Touch. Me.” He teemed.

“Hyung, you’re drunk. And you’re making a mess. Just stop now.” Wooyoung begged, looking frightened.

“Oh am I making a mess?” Khun faked a smile and smashed a glass on the kitchen counter. The members cringed and flinched. They were all backing away from him, but then Junsu noticed something on the floor by Khun’s bare feet.

Red spots. Khun had been cut by the shards of glass.

“Khun! You’re bleeding!” Junsu yelled, pointing at the dripping blood from his hand.

They all thought it was just a small cut, until blood began dripping like melted ice cream.

“If any one of you come near me I will break more things.” Khun growled as he grabbed a towel and locked himself in the bathroom.

The members pounded on the door but it was no use. At this point Minjae arrived and tried to talk Khun into coming out. But it was no use.

“What should we do? He won’t listen to any of us. I doubt he’d listen to Jin Young hyung.” Taec said as they all gathered outside the bathroom door.

“Will he listen to Victoria?” Minjae whispered.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea to call her. It’s late.” Junsu said.

“He’s bleeding in there for god’s sake. We have no choice.” Minjae half-yelled.

Time was ticking.

Victoria’s phone rang. She fluttered her eyes open and put it on her ear.

“Hello?” she croaked in her bedroom voice.

“Victoria-ssi. This is Minjae. I’m sorry for calling you this late but this is an emergency.”

Victoria sat up in the dark.

“What is it?” she asked, awake now.

“Khun is drunk and has injured himself. He’s in the bathroom and won’t come out. He won’t listen to us. We figured if you talked to him he might come out. He’s bleeding profusely as we speak.”

“I’ll be there.”

“We’re actually here in front of your building. I’m with Taecyeon. We’ll wait for you.”

Victoria did not bother to tell anyone where she was going, everyone seemed to be asleep. She put on a coat and practically flew her way down the stairs. I never thought he would be this stupid, she thought. Taecyeon and Minjae greeted her and apologized but there was no time to waste, they sped their way back to the bloodbath.

When they arrived, Wooyoung had his ear pressed to the door, on the verge of tears. Chansung exhaled as soon as Victoria entered. Junho and Junsu gaped at the shape she was in—she looked like a malnourished zombie.

“Khun ah, come out. Victoria’s here. She wants to talk to you.” Minjae said as he knocked on the bathroom door once more.

Victoria saw the state of the kitchen. Glass and food everywhere. Blood on the floor. Utensils scattered. It was worse than she had imagined.

“Oh yeah, right.” Khun guffawed menacingly from inside the bathroom.

Victoria stepped in and knocked on the door gently.

“I’m really here. Please come out.” She said in a weak but convincing voice.

Everybody was quiet and still, waiting for Khun’s reaction. Everybody almost jumped in surprise when the door opened and a wet Khun appeared. He had the towel wrapped around his bloody hand.

Before anyone could speak, Khun grabbed her by the hand and pulled her into his room. He locked it once again.

“Ya!” Wooyoung protested as they all hurried in front of his bedroom door.

Khun was dripping wet. He sat her down on his bed and sat beside her. She took his towel-wrapped hand. At first, he cringed at her touch.

“Please let me bandage this. Please?” she whispered.

Obediently, he gave her his injured hand. Luckily, Khun had a first aid kit. Like a mother, she dressed his cut, which was rather deep. They did not say anything to each other. He merely watched her as she tended to his wound. The others were waiting anxiously on the other side of the door.

“Do you think they’re having in there?” Wooyoung whispered to Junsu.

“Shut up.” Junsu said, making a face.

After she had successfully wrapped his hand with a bandage, she his wet hair. Touching him sent all kinds of tingly feelings through her chest.

“You look terrible.” She told him, trying to shake the water off his hair.

“You should look at yourself.” He answered.

She looked around his room. Beer cans were all over the floor. She didn’t know how to react, because she was doing miserable herself. His white shirt was soaking as well. He could catch a cold.

“Why are you so wet?” she said as she pulled his shirt off his head.

He stared at her as she opened his closet and searched for a new dry shirt. She had gotten so thin and unhealthy, it scared him. More than his own pool of blood.

“Raise your arms.” She commanded, and he did. She put his shirt on for him like a mother would do to her child. He was clearly still a bit drunk. She could smell the alcohol on his skin.

“Don’t make me change your shorts too. That’s your job now. Goodnight.” She said and got up. She was about to approach the door, but then he spoke up.

“You know, I’ll have with a new girl.” He blurted.

She closed her eyes. She wasn’t fully functional enough to take this. Not at this hour, or at this situation.

“Whatever you want.” She said quietly.

“I’ll sleep with different girls. In this very room.”

She bit her lip.

“It’s your life.” She sighed.

Khun stood up, his face pale, probably from the blood loss or his drunken state. Slowly, he approached her. She had her back turned to him.

“That’s what you want right? Separate lives?” he said.

Outside, five ears were pressed against the door.

“Would all of you quit eavesdropping?” Minjae exclaimed in annoyance.

“I just want you to be happy.” She whimpered, as she felt stinging tears again.

“Do I look happy to you? Huh?” he said through gritted teeth.

She was now practically sobbing. Uncontrollable tears streamed down her face.

Khun grabbed her by the elbow and held her face close to his.

“Look at me. Look at you.” He whispered.

He pressed his forehead against hers. She wanted to break free from his grip, but she couldn’t. Subconsciously, she wanted to stay there under his touch.

“Look at us.” He breathed, before kissing her fully on the mouth.

The thing was, she didn’t fight back at all. She kissed him back with the same force and feeling. They kissed as if they’ve never kissed before, as if they’ll never kiss again. It was as if he did not have any air to breathe and the only oxygen was their through her lips. They were kissing so much that they found themselves bumping against the wall, hurting Victoria on the back. It was her cue to stop.

“I need to go now.” She muttered, wiping her lips.

“How can you just do this?” he panted.

She put a hand on his cheek and caressed it.

“Let’s promise each other. Stop doing this, and I’ll stop whatever I’m doing too. For the sake of everyone involved. Look at your members.” She said, and it was enough. He suddenly came to his senses. He had completely disregarded his lifelong friends by making them worry. It was the same in Victoria’s case.

“We’re done. Let’s accept that.” She said in a final tone.

She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and rushed to the door.

He sat there, in a painful stupor. For a long time he just stayed in one position. Then, once again, he played that John Mayer song he had been playing for the past week. It was like noise, like nails on a chalkboard to his ears and yet, he kept listening to it. He kept listening to it as if it was the only remainder of her presence in his life.

Hey, Tori came by

Tori came by tonight

Hey, Tori came by

She says to say goodbye