I woke up today in a fog. There was no schedules for us today so I was quite happy. I planed to focus on my exercise and my trouble spots. Instead, within 30 min. of being awake, i was dragged out to do some unknown task. Sunggyu hyung said he found this place and thought it would remind us of home and that we will all benefit from going here. No matter how hard I thought i could not figure out where we were going but out of pure curiosity I followed him to this unknown place. Sunggyu said finally we are here. I looked around and when i figured out where we were my faced dropped. It was a bath house. Why would he take us here.... Is he saying im dirty. What can I do i can't wear a shirt in the bath house. I'll just it up and do it. They may be able to see my fat but they won't judge me too much right? I didnt realize how long I've been standing there until Sungyeol asked what was wrong with me and why i was just standing there. I followed him.

When I walked in the others were already half undressed. I was in aww of how thin they all were. Why couldn't I be like them. Thin. Happy. Full. I decided to discard my pants first. Then i turned around and again Sunyeol was the thinnest. He was everything I wanted to be. He was flat as a board and tall. I removed my shirt until all I had left was my underwear. All the other's began to stare at me and I instantly felt them judging me. "hurry up, Sungjong and lets go" said Sungyeol.

We all entered the bath. Everyone was laughing and playing. Sungyeol instant gravitated towards me. In the state of mind I was in he was the last person I wanted to talk too. "Sungjong why do you look so pale, havent you ever been to a bath house before??" said Sungyeol. I just remained quiet. Sunggyu decided we were going to create a circle to scrub each other's backs. I was behind L and Sungyeol was behind me. Before Sungyeol even started scrubing my back i felt fingers run down my back. Then i felt someone touching my ribcage. Sungyeol then realized what he was doing. He went to scrubing my back.

My first thoughts were of pure shock. He realized how large I am. Ana is the only one who has touched me that way. Why? He couldnt believe I had gotten this large. Im so disappointed. This made me extremly uncomfortable. I was so focused on this action that L yelped in pain. I immedatly apoligized. We then switched. I felt my spine being traced as i turned to then scrub Sungyeol's back. The hand traveled to my ribcage again. Not only did Sungyeol notice but L did as well. L had been some one i was begining to trust. I was again disgusted. I wanted to run away. L got revenege on me and rubbed my back to the point I was crying not from being sad but from being in immense pain. Sungyeol noticed my grip getting weaker and soon stopped. He turned around to find me crying a little bit. L noticed as well and imeddatly appoligized. Sungyeol got extremly mad at L. Sungyeol then took L asside and asked him something that i couldnt quite hear.

When they returned we continued to scrub our backs. When we were all clean we left to go home. As we left, Sungyeol complained about how hungery he was. He pursuade the others to go get food as well and again I find myself to be in a place where i did not want to be. Sunggyu Hyung asked what i wanted to eat. I replied that I felt a little sick and if i ate i might throw up. They all bought my answer. In the end, we all went home. I claimed myself to feel better and then I decided I would go for a run.

I ran for what seemed like 5 days but was only 2 hours. I ran home to meet Ana by the dance practice room like clock work. I showed her my dance moves and she again pointed out my flaws.

I remeber when this use to hurt me. She cares for me deeply or else she would not tell me the truth. The other members would have confronted me about this problem if they were my true friends. This warmed my heart. All of this hard work has purpose right?

I weigh myself again after last night's breakdown. I am still 101.

Tommorrow surly should be diffrent right?

Things will happen?

I will always be lower right?

Is it because I sweated?

am I retaining water?

Ana didnt seemed to care at all. She began to tear me apart. She decided I was Just lazy. She meets me everyday to see a diffrence. She knew about the bath house from the red marks on my back. She asked if the other memebers noticed how fat I was!

I broke down and told her everything. Her response was exactly how i predicted.

Atleast you have me to guide you through this. You will be where you need. I care and that is why i tell you these things. I will be your voice of reason until the end.

I took comfort in these words as i gathered my things and went back into the house.

AN:

here is another update :) and im sorry they are so short but I will have longer chapters in the future. I have so many plans and ideas im excited to put them into this story