Ana.

Her words scorn and leave marks but her words are only helpful.

I am 

Fat......

I am 

Nothing......

Without her I'd probably be on a fast track to being immobile. The crushing weight that seems to cling to my bones. When i look at myself i only wish to be able to see the skeleton underneath the imperfections. Every bit of fat is another reason not to love me. How could I be loved this way. No one wants to love fat. 

Ana seems to be the only person in my life that looks out for me; she helps me get where I desperatly need to be. I truly love Ana and would never let her go easily.

It is getting harder everyday to hide the fact I dont eat. Myungsoo seems to be paying very close attention to me lately. I decided to go down the market this morning and purchase breakfast bars. I took the box to my secret spot and unwrapped them all. I placed the wrappers in the box and made sure to leave a little bit so that when i walk in it looks like ive been eating it.I burried the bars and made my way to the dorm. the members were happy to see me actually going and buying food to 'eat'. I walking into my empty room and stashed the bars in my backpack for gym. I spit the contents into the trash can.

The activities were to begin soon so i slipped into the bathroom and did more normal routine. Id purge and this time it hurt more than usual. Everyday it hurts more. They always say pain is beauty. I look in the mirror and feel weak. I feel the overwhelming depression settling in. If this feeling always happens why do I continue to look. Simple. Because I need to see that my efforts are worth it. One day Ill be beautiful. One day I'll see the image I so despartely want to see. When I left the shower everyone had left. At least I had thought of course. So I tied my towel around my waist and walked straight to my room. I was so shocked to see Myungsoo sitting on my bed. When I walked in he automatically stood up. His face turned red and he bowed his head slightly. He coughed a bit and said he had something he needed to tell me. 

I had became increasingly aware of how I was and politely asked him to leave so I can change. He refused and insisted I listen to what he had to say. He looked so shy. The embarrasment and resentment building inside of me was astonishing. I just wanted to hide my body. He grabbed my hand almost making me drop my towel. 

Sungjong I needed to tell you........ 

He ran his hand through his hair and I was becoming increasingly frustrated. 

Sungjong I think I have began to like you. 

At first I was in shock... Why would anyone like me? Well that thought only aggrivated me. He doesnt. I replied and said I highly doubt it. Who could love some one my size. 

Myungsoo pulled me closer and the look in his eyes was very startling. I like you just the way you are.

just.

the.

way.

I.

am.......

I pushed myungsoo aside and grabbed my clothes I took them with me to the restroom. I began to cry. I dressed myself and opened the door to see myungsoo he had tears in his eyes. I proclaimed DO NOT LIE TO ME!! I slamed the bathroom door as I pushed my way to the door. Myungsoo grabbed my arm and asked me not to go. I told him I already have some one! and he should leave me alone. I started to run. I ran and ran until I no longer thought of what had just happened and focused on the path infront of me. Minutes turned into hours eventually i found myself infront of home. I saw myungsoo sitting waiting for me. 

This man will not let it go. He needs to stop playing with my emotions. He stood up and blocked my way. I told him to move. He said Just give me a chance. I truely care about you dont you see it? I pushed past him and locked myself in the bathroom i puked with no water on if he truely likes me the way I am he will have to see what I do to myself. I could hear Myungsoo begging me to stop puking to stop because its bad for me. He said he was scared i might get sicker. I told him this is me. You like me just the way I am, huh? I cleaned my face and breathe. walked outside the bathroom I see Myungsoo crying. Why would he cry. He embraced me and held me. I knew then that maybe he did care. Maybe. this. Scares him. I felt the warmth of his embrace. It was almost as inviting as Ana's. I stayed there in his embrace for what seemed like a few hours but was actually a few min. 

I got up and left. It was time for me to see Ana. The one whom truely loved me. This time as i went into Ana's embrace my loyalty faltered maybe this isnt where I need to be.

this thought lasted a moment when i realize all that Ana has done for me. I want to be perfect for her for my fans for Me. She is my drive and i think I will pick her. 

She will always be apart of me

a/n: I APOLIGIZE FOR MY LONG ABSENCE :( But i had extreme writers block but guess what its gone now I know where I want to take this thank you all so much <3