The first concert went up in a bang. Everything turned out amazing. I have never truly been proud of myself but at that moment I was proud of where I am. The other memebers motioned me over with huge grins on their fces. Sungyeol proceed to grab me by the shoulder and congratulate me. Manager hyung soon appeared with praises and a huge grin on his face. Im so used to the anry manager that this manager seemed like another person I perfer this manager any day. The mood was amazing. I havent truly been this happy in my whole life. I felt like i could fly.

Of course there is always this weight pulling me back into reality.

Ana appeared out of no where. She gave me a hug and asked me to follow her. Of course i followed her and i found myself outside. I braced myself preparing for the insults to come. She always had something to say good or bad. What she said surprised me. She told me everything was fine. She then said that i was not popular among the fans like all of the other members. At first i felt rage then calmed down. She was just jealous. She is my girlfriend of course. She must feel jealous because she does not want anyone to feel the same feelings towards me. I became extremely affectionate after that. We held hands and walked back to the dorms.

On the walk ome i felt my stomache begin to churn violently. The hunger pains were back. My usual cure is to empty my stomache or simply sip water. Ana could hear my stomach screaming as if knowing exactly what to do she dropped my arm and motioned me to a tree. I purged violently. Im usually never scared when i purge but this time i was terrified. I had not volentarily puked this time. As if by the pure motion my body knw hwat to  do. This was scary and odd. I clean my face and quickly drink my water. Ana resumes her place by my side.

I reach the dorms and bid Ana goodnight. I rush to the bathroom and look into the mirror. Every day every night i have to check myself. I grab the the measuring tape and measure my thighs waist and arms ankles wrists and neck. nothing seems to change but by millimeters. My waist sits at 23 inches nor more no less. My waist is never going to be an acceptable measurment.

I then begin to cry. Why does Ana bring with her my habitually reminders. Her face reminds me of how far i have left to go before i am perfect for her. I love her very much. but i am always a mess. I close my eyes and step blindly on the scale. 89. My heart is happy i lost weight. But why is it never enough. i look at all of the other members and wonder why they are so thin. Of course Sunggyu doesnt fit in this catagorie.(JK) The other mebers are naturally thin but it seems my fat refuses to leave my body. I go into my room and strip my clothes. I stand there examining myself in my foor legnth mirror. Standing there was just fat. I see fat everywhere. I stand there and pinch my fat and try postioning it wishing it would just fall off from the very motion. The door to the room's knob twists. In complete shock i turn around to find L looking at me in my underwear.

THE EMBARRASMENT.

L was astonished he couldnt move his eyes from my body. I completly freak out and try and hide. L closes the door and quickly runs.

He saw my imperfections I am not sure why but this feeling that he knows my deep secrets makes me cry. Anyone but him. I dont know why i felt this way but I couldnt stop crying. L comes back into the room with food and demands i eat infront of him.

I told him NO! I asked why would you ask me to eat after what you just saw. I quickly threw on my clothes. L yells at me to eat. My calm angel is now becoming my enemy.  I yelled NO as i dumped the food on the floor. I pushed past him and he quickly grabbed my arm. In a rage he yelled WHY ARE YOUTHIS WAY! DONT YOU SEE HOW THIN YOU HAVE BECOME PLEASE STOP STOP FOR ME!!!!!!!!!

I replied CANT YOU SEE I AM NOT THE BLIND ONE OBVIOUSLY! I grabbed my shoes and ran from the dorms. I ran into my other mebers but quickly pushed passed them. I fell onto the ground somewhere near the practice room. I sat sobbing waiting for some one to come and comfort me. As if Ana understands me i find myself warmly embraced in her grasp.

That night i sat sobbing into Ana's arms. Around 3:00 A.M. i decided to make my way back to the dorms. I walked into and to my displeasure L sat on the couch waiting for me. I quickly walk past him. He grabs my arm and i give him the dirtiest look i could summon. I jerk my arm to escape his grasp. Something that has worked my entire life no longer was good enough. His grip tightened around my arm. I turn around to see the tears in his eyes that i must have caused.

This feeling inside me made me sit and listen to him. He cares for me so why should i be mad.

L releases my arm and motions me to sit on the couch with him.

His words i will never forget

AN:HEY EVERYONE I plan to make many more updates i have many ideas floating around my head hope you enjoy this chapter <3 and who enjoyed the man in love MV I know i did