Now that the schedules were beginning to wine down I have more time to focus on my goals. L was leaving me alone and so was Sungyeol. This was a nice change of pace. I felt at ease and continued with my routines everyday. Of course, I knew this easy going feeling wouldnt last for long but i just tried to forget the akward glances from not just L and Sungyeol but the other members as well. Sunggyu has been paying extra attention to me lately and so has hoya, dongwoo, and woohyun. It seems as thought I have eyes pouring into my back. 

When the clock struck 12 id go into the practice room and loose myself in exercise. Ill have stitches in my side and my throat will feel like a hot iron has struck but at least ill be closer to the body of my dreams. Every meal passed up every growl of my stomach and every drop of sweat is a step closer. Ana once told me that sweat is just fat crying. The more i sweat the more liberated I feel. I just kept going until the sun had began to rise. I quickly run back to the dorm to not worry the memebers I take a shower and then quitely sit in the living room drinking a cup of cold water.

Eventually all the members were awake and walking around. We all had a free day today and Sunggyu suggested we all went to the gym and had some fun maybe even swim. Of course I was excited even more excuses to exercise. I packed my gym bag and swim suit. When we arrived we all decided to go swimming.I had forgoten what swimming meant exactly but the thought of the nice water on my skin made me smile. I put on a white shirt and my trunks and made my way to the shower. I was about to walk in when sunggyu stopped me. He said "hey yopu know you cant wear shirts in the pool right?" I imedatly began to panic and i slinked off to a secluded place in the locker room. I slipped my shirt off and then quickly wrapped myself in a towel i walk over to find the others almost ready to go. When i arrived there was a slight pause before we all went into the pool area. I quickly kick my flip flops off near the deep end and lay my towel by the side and quickly slip myself in. As long as im in the water that cant see right? The pool was actually alot of fun! Dongwoo quickly ruined the fun when he asked me a very serious question.

"Just how much do you weigh? You are so skinny its crazy your chest is so boney"

I gave him a look of disgust. Sungyeol and L kind of reacted like I did. They shhed Dongwoo and ushered him to the side. I was so livid i left the pool disregarding the fact my body was on full display. If you want to know so badly here you go get an eyefull. I then changed into my work out clothes and made my way towards the treadmill. I made the speed something ridiculous and I just ran. I ran until my legs began to wobble, untill my anger begins to subside. I just kept going. L and the others find me they try and talking me down but i just keep going. Eventually my vision began to blur. The tread mill escaped my feet. Hitting my head hard on the ground below me. 

i wake up in my bed. The more i came to my senses i realized it wasnt mine but Hoya's. I also realized the cold compress on my forehead and awake to find all the members there. When i try to find my stregnth to get mad and leave i couldnt. Eventually, i decided to sleep again. This time when i woke i was in my bed. I slipped out of the room while everyone slept. I made my way to meet Ana. I truthfully was scared of what had happened so i wanted to tell her about it. She said this is part of it eventually it will get better. When you're at your goal things like this wont happen. I decided to weigh myself. The number that came up was 90. Another loss but not enough. 90 just simply isnt enough. I know there was a time when 90 would have been fantastic. But how come my body does not reflect the weight loss. Ana seemed a bit joyed considering the waffel i ate not to long ago. I took this as a partial win and then told ana goodnight. I find myself coming to her when i waver in my weight loss she has become essential towards my progress.

I enter the dorm to find all my hyungs sitting as if waiting for me to arrive.

"Listen sungjong, we are worried about you.... We are seeing how thin you are getting and becoming alarmed" said sunggyu. ' Will you try eating with us tomorrow?

I said yes even though i had no intentions of eating. The look of relief spread across all of their faces.

They are just trying to sabatoge me. I am trying so hard. They want me to be fat for a long time so they can be the better ones in the group. I see through you all and will not given that easy so dont look so relieved. I grab a water and sit myself down on my bed. Sleep came easier than i thought. Tomorrow is another battle that I will have to win.

I always wake up first. I grabbed some power bars and left the wrappers on the table and barried the bars. I left one bite for when they walked in. I chewed it but did not swallow. When they were not looking i spit it into my hand and shoved it in my pocket. They all seemed pleased that i ate something with out being asked. I then excused myself to then purge up whatever i had inside of my stomache. 

I felt a strong sense of pride and i didnt feel at all worried about lunch today because today is a busy day. We probably wont have time for lunch anyways. The day flew by without problems. Everyone seemed content and we were all happy. 

I found Ana at the end of the day. It feels like her presences makes me closer to a happier me. 

She is the rock i rely on