January 28

Hi there! It’s me again.

You know, after that failed attempt on New Year ’s Eve, I kinda decided to retreat and reformulate my strategy. And I came up with an idea for Valentine’s Day. If everything went according to plan, I swear Siwon will be hella surprised. I will write details on that later on, when the plan has been carried out. Meanwhile, I don’t have any plan to confess my feelings to Siwon until then. But I got another idea today, this evening when I was playing Starcraft with Siwon.

Siwon always in computer and video games, while I, well, I can say that I’m quite a professional gamer, and when I say ‘professional’, I really wasn’t exaggerating anything. Anyway, games are the only place where I can beat Siwon however I like. And to be honest, I like seeing him pout whenever he lost a game. But thankfully I have a pretty strong self-restraint, otherwise, I will jump on him whenever he lost a game to me because his pouting lips were so kissable and I can swear that those lips were the iest thing in the world, well, at least in my world. Oh wait, now what am I thinking? Kissing Siwon’s lips?? Oh man, I’m really losing it...

Anyway, we were hanging out in my room like usual, I was on bed, Siwon was on the floor, we were both lying on our tummy with our laptops lay open in front of us. Siwon was losing badly, and that made me smile non-stop. Like I said, I love seeing Siwon lose.

And then I win, like I always do, and I heard him whine.

“Awww... Kiyuuuu... Why are you so good in games?! Why won’t you ever let me wiiiin??” Then I turned around in his direction and saw Siwon rolled over to his back.

“Because I’m really good and you in games, you will still lose even if I decided to let you win.” I smugly replied.

And I regret it in an instant, because somehow my mockery made Siwon felt the need to come up to me and pinch my cheeks. I really hate being pinched on the cheeks, because (1) It really hurts, and (2) it makes me look like a freakin’ oversized cute toddler. Then while I was busy pouting, I heard Siwon spoke again.

“Always the snarky Kiyu!” He said, while still pinching my cheeks. I can’t help but to notice something. Siwon always calls me Kiyu, he’s been calling me that for as long as I can remember. I did protest about it years ago, but since it never made any difference, I just stopped protesting. But I never asked him why he always uses that nickname for me, though, so I asked him today.

“Why do you always call me Kiyu?” I asked him.

“Because it suits you. You can ask anyone.” He answered.

“No one calls me Kiyu other than you.” I stated.

“True. Because no one else is allowed to call you that. I invented Kiyu, and Kiyu is mine.” He said and laughed like a maniac.

I tried to get back at him, but when I thought about it, I realized that he wasn’t joking. I remembered one day when our schoolmate Yoona followed Siwon and called me Kiyu, Siwon immediately turned to her and glared.

“His name is Kyuhyun.” I remember Siwon said to Yoona.

And then Yoona smiled. “I know Siwon-oppa! We’ve been in the same school since forever. I know.” She said with a wide grin, clearly missing Siwon’s point, well at that time, so do I.

“Call him Kyuhyun, Cho Kyuhyun.” Siwon said again. Now that I think about it, if I remember correctly, I think Siwon was said it with a rather cold tone, but, I don’t know. Maybe I’m just imagining things.

“But you call him Kiyu.” Yoona argued. “I used to be Kiyu’s best friend too, you know...” She whined.

Then Siwon just smiled and pulled me closer to him. We were in class that day, first day of my our sophomore year and Yoona was a freshman. I was sitting with Siwon, our first biology class of the year had just ended and it was time for our lunch break when Yoona kindly paid us a visit. She knew us well, because we live in the same neighborhood. And when she whined about calling me Kiyu, Siwon pulled my chair closer using his leg and grabbed me by my shoulders.

“I know, and you’re still our best friend, right Kyu?” Siwon said, I nodded, and he continued, “But call him Kyuhyun, because Kiyu is only for me. Now let’s have lunch!!” Then he dragged both Yoona and me to the canteen. I was half happy half annoyed back then, but I wasn’t paying much attention.

Then today it hit me. Siwon gave me a nickname, why didn’t I have a nickname for him? All these years I only call him Siwon, and sometimes, when I have to, I call him hyung, nothing else. So I thought carefully, browsing my brain, searching and picking for the suitable nickname for Siwon, not caring about his hands that were still playing with my cheeks.

Nicknames.. nicknames... What would Siwon’s nickname be? Siwon... Siwonnie... Wonnie?? Nope, too cute! I will be a dead meat if anyone ever hears me call him Wonnie, even if it’s Siwon himself. It gave me chills to even thought about it.

What else? Hmmm... Horsiwon? You know, as in horse+Siwon... Nope, his mom will be sad if she hears that. Cheekhole? For the freaking cute dimples on his cheeks? Nope, too physical. I ran out of ideas, so I just slapped his hands away from my cheeks and told him.

“I wanna use nicknames for you too!”

“What do you want to call me?” He asked.

“I don’t know...” I admit.

“How about hyungnim?” He giggled.

“Not in a million years!” I snapped. I only call him hyung when our parents are around and when he forced me too, and that’s enough to make him baby me. So, no, I will not use any nickname that will make him feel like he’s my respected older brother, no way! We’re only a year apart, for heaven’s sake! And apparently my harsh comment only made Siwon laugh harder. Geez! I wonder why my snarky comments and rude behavior never worked on Siwon.

“Shut up!” I sent Siwon my scariest death glare, he didn’t freak out though, but I succeed in stopping his crazy laughter and Siwon was left with muffled chuckles. You should see his face back then, God, it was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my 16 years of existence! His eyes were twinkling with small tears that were forming on the corner of his eyes, and his cheeks were turning rose because he was holding back a laughter, and so I thought, I just had to tell him how I feel about him, right then and there.

“Won-ah... I’ve been thinking,..” I started, but Siwon cut me.

“Say that again!” He exclaimed.

Seriously, I had no idea what he was talking about. So I frowned and raise my eyebrows, clearly showing my confusion.

“Call me that! I’d love to hear you call me that.” He grinned sheepishly.

“What? Won-ah??” I asked again.

“Yes!! Say that again!!” He squealed.

“Won-ah?” I chuckled at how childish he was being.

“Agaaaiiin!!”

“Won-aaaah!!”

And then I thought, why are we behaving like two people in love? And just like a lightning strike, I know it’s sounds like I’m exaggerating things but it really felt like I was being struck by lightning when the realization hit me,  I realize that it might be a good chance for me to tell Siwon how I feel.

“Won-ah...” I called.

I was just taking a deep breath to steady my exploding heart, but in a blink of an eye, I have found Siwon being latched to me, arms around my neck as he was squeaking happily.

“Kiyuuuuuu....!!!”

Just like that, my effort to calm my heart a few seconds ago went to waste as I feel my body limped in excitement and craze. And there goes my second attempt, drowned within his warm hug and the hectic beatings in our chests. But lesson learned: Maintain your distance, no hugging while confessing!! Noted.

The still-not-succeeding-but-never-thought-of-giving-up-(yet) young man,

-Cho Kyuhyun-