December 28

Ummmm... Hi.....

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December 28

This is Cho Kyuhyun. I’m 16, and I’m in love. As much as I hate to admit it, I have a problem – well, a few problems, actually. I’m gonna list all the potential problems of why me being in love can be quite a mind-boggling matter:

1.      I’m in love with a guy, I’m also a guy, so yeah, that’s a pretty big problem.

2.      That guy is my best friend.

3.      I don’t know if he likes me too, in that way, if you know what I mean.

4.      I don’t know how to tell him, or anyone for that matter, about the way I feel for him.

5.      We may go to different Universities, so if I wanna confess my feelings, I have until graduation, which is only 6 months away. Yeah, that little time left for us to be together!

His name is Choi Siwon. He lives next door. He’s a year older than me, but we’re in the same year at school, well, because I jumped over 7th grade. We’ve been neighbors for as long as I can remember. Our parents have even been friends since before we were born. If there were ever something as “born to be together”, I think me and Siwon can perfectly fit in that term.

We’re not very much alike, although not completely different too. He’s more of the cheerful type, while I’m kind of very moody. He’s a very sporty person (eventhough he’s not so bad in academic too), and I’m more of the education and artistic type. He’s a very sweet and extroverted guy, while I rather like keeping to myself. People often wonder how Siwon and I can even be friends, but that’s the thing, we get along amazingly well.

We always go to the same school, except when he went to the Elementary School and I had to stay behind in Pre-School, and also that time when he went to the Middle School and I was stuck in 5th grade. But even then, we still go to school together everyday and he always went to my house after school to check if I got home safely.

I guess I was so used to being around him and never noticed how I started to feel something different towards him, until we were in the same class at 8th grade. I began to notice how girls flirt with him, and I didn’t like it one bit! Geez, even writing about it makes me mad. Anyway, that’s when I realized I developed romantic feelings for Siwon, because secretly I hoped I can flirt with him the way those girls did. But I’m a boy, and so does Siwon. I don’t care if I turn out to be, you know, not normal, but I don’t know if Siwon would think the same way. And just like that, I keep it down to myself, acting like nothing’s wrong, trying my best not to act like Siwon’s little possessive boyfriend so no one would notice the way I feel about him.

I thought if I deny it, the feeling would eventually go away. But how wrong I was. The more I tried to forget about it, the more I think about Siwon. And Siwon didn’t help either. He was getting more and more clingy to me. I remember one day in High School one of Siwon’s friends about me when he was having a birthday party and everyone brought their girlfriends but Siwon brought me instead.

I can even remember the the exact conversation that night. It went like this:

Siwon’s friend    : Yo, Choi Siwon! I thought I told you to bring your girlfriend.

Siwon                  : Yo, Lee Donghae! I thought I told you that I don’t have a girlfriend. So I bring my boyfriend.   You remember Cho Kyuhyun?

Donghae              : Of course! Rascal! Come on Kyuhyun, let’s go. I don’t understand how you can put up with this stupid bastard.

Siwon and  Donghae laughed hard while they dragged me inside the cafe that night. I bet they didn’t notice how I blushed like crazy and I kept holding my breath whenever Siwon touched me. I tried to talk to Siwon about my feeling, but I never made it. I wanted to ask him to junior prom, but when I was about to talk to him about it, he my hair, casually, but it succesfully made me forgot what I wanted to say.

We did go the the junior prom together, but it was because he called me the night before and just said “Kyu, let’s go to prom tomorrow!”. And so after 3 years of trying in High School, I still kept quiet about my feelings, and Siwon didn’t know that I, Cho Kyuhyun, his childhood buddy, his next door neighbor, has fallen for him.

So, we’re both high school seniors now. Of course we talked about our future plan. Siwon got a basketball scholarship from a university in the outskirt of Seoul. He did ask me to go with him, but I also want to pursue education in the thing that I like, music. And Siwon’s university doesn’t have music major. So I figured that this year will be the last chance for me to finally tell Siwon how I feel before we go to different directions after graduation.

So I decided to confess to him as soon as possible. And because of previous failed attempts I know for sure that this is going to be really hard. That’s why I also decided to write this diary, no,  scratch that, this journal, to help me study my past failures and compose a better and more possible way of confessing.

I have a plan for new year’s eve, it’s gonna be a good timing, if I can make my brain to cooperate. So I asked my mom to throw a barbeque party with Siwon and his family. And sure enough, Siwon and his parents agreed to it. So for the time being, this plan is officially a go!

The boy who doesn’t know how to express himself (even in diaries, no, journals!),

-Cho Kyuhyun-