Taemin choked, the cold dirty water sliding down his throat and going up his nose as he flailed his arms and legs around heavily. The current and the water made it impossible for him to move properly. His heart was jumping in his chest, he had never been so quickly terrified before in his life. He struggled, frustrated fear mounting. Was this the way he was going to die? He didn’t want it to be like this! He didn’t want to go like this. He didn’t want to go full stop.

He didn’t want to die.

Taemin used all his might to surge up, shocked relief overwhelming him as his head broke the surface of the river. He quickly scanned around him as he struggled to keep himself afloat, his ears ringing with adrenaline. He spied a large branch by the river bed. If he managed to get there then he could hang on to the branch and pull himself out.

Come on Taemin, you can do this, he thought. You are not going to die, you are NOT going to die this way.

He tried to swim his way to the branch but the current was pushing him mercilessly downstream. He nearly cried as he was swept past the branch.

Don’t panic don’t panic, he told himself. Swim. Swim!

His limbs were so heavy, but he screamed at his muscles to fight against water. He had to force his arms to drag through the frigid river, force his legs to keep kicking, force his head to stay afloat. He nearly fainted with happiness when he came into contact with a large rock in the middle of the river. It was slippery with mud and cold to the touch, but Taemin clung onto it for dear life.

Nobody’s going to save me, he realised.I’ll just rest for a bit. And then I’ll keep going. He felt like throwing up at the thought of battling again with the river. He was soaked through and he could feel the river rushing through his cloth of his jeans. Down his shirt. He was already so tired. He wanted to go to sleep. He was starting to feel hopeless.

Key jumped at the sound of Taylor Swift ringing from his room. He quickly pulled on his shirt and ran out of the bathroom in his socks. That was Taemin’s ringtone, God knows why.

“Yobosaeyo, Taemin’s phone, Key speaking,” he said into the phone.

“Hello dear! It’s Taemin’s umma. How are you?”

“I’m fine Mrs Lee!” said Key enthusiastically. Key was great with adults. “A bit busy at the moment, but nothing we’re not used to.”

“And how is my son? Is he eating enough? You know how he forgets to eat sometimes.”

“I know right? Taemin needs to eat more. Don’t worry Mrs Lee I’m making sure he eats all his meals.”

“You’re so responsible Kibum, thank you so much for looking after son and worrying about him. Is he okay?”

“He’s fine! Happy and cute as always,” Key replied, guilt stabbing him when he said ‘happy.’ Key had snapped at Taemin and he had looked pretty upset about it. He started thinking about what he could make or buy that would make him feel better. Maybe I’ll try knitting a scarf for him, he thought.

“I’ll try find him, okay Mrs Lee?”

“Taemin! Taemin! Your umma is calling!” he yelled, walking through the apartment. “Taemin!”

He looked at the shoe cupboard and noticed Taemin’s Doc Martens missing. Had Taemin gone out? Key hadn’t even noticed.

“I’m sorry Mrs Lee, I don’t think he’s here at the moment. He must’ve forgotten his phone; you know how forgetful he is.”

“I know,“ Taemin’s mother sighed affectionately. “He called me before. Well, I’ll try again later. Thank you for looking after Taemin so well Kibum! Taemin always talks about you when he comes home. He really idolises you. Thank you for caring so much about him and being so nice and kind to him.”

“’It’s hard to be cruel to someone so cute,” laughed Key. “No problem, it’s really my pleasure to be with Taemin. It’s just natural for me to look after him. I should be thanking you for making such a pretty boy!”

Taemin’s mother laughed. “You’re so funny Kibum! Come over for dinner with Taemin next time, okay?”

“Definitely,” promised Key, before they said their goodbyes and hung up.

Where was Taemin? He had felt uneasy when Taemin’s mum was praising him over how well he was looking after Taemin, because it wasn’t until then that he realised how mean and unkind to Taemin he had just been.

The front door opened and Key heard the rest of SHINee piling in. He walked into the living room to greet them.

“Hey, where’s Taemin?” he asked, puzzled. He had thought maybe he had gone out with them.

“He didn’t come out to dinner with us,” Onew replied.

“The storm out there is horrible!” exclaimed Minho. “This is the worst storm I think I’ve seen in Seoul. It’s so cold! I don’t know how people are walking around outside, Thank God for our heater.”

Taemin blinked wearily. He was determined to do this. And he was going to do this himself. He couldn’t rely on anyone else to save him. He was the only one who could pull himself out. He thought he had nothing to lose by wading into the river. Now he realised that it was because he had nothing to lose that he wanted to live. He had never wanted to live so badly. He wanted to sleep in his bed tonight. He wanted to watch TV and go shopping tomorrow. Now that he had some spare time he wanted to try choreographing his own routines. His heavy boots once again met with the soft and soggy bottom and he sighed when he realised he was at the shallow end of the river. He just needed to keep walking, keep going, keep fighting and then it would all be okay soon.

He kept wading, using his arms to work through the river. He was so cold that he didn’t even feel chilly anymore. His teeth chattered and he couldn’t feel his feet or his hands. But he had to keep going.  His head ached. Brainfreeze? he thought giddily as he fought his way through the river.

His muscles felt like they could not go on any further. He had to push himself so badly to keep going. He sighed the water started to get shallower and shallower. He didn’t realise he was on all fours until he felt the cold mud squelch through his fingers.

He gratefully crawled onto the river bank, his jaw chattering uncontrollably, shivers racking his skinny body. His face felt like it was frozen along with his limbs. The only thing he could feel was the cold numbness seeping into his chest and the water rolling down his body. He collapsed, panting with exertion. He was so tired and cold. But he was out. He had done it. he had saved himself. A smile touched his lips as for the first time in a while, he felt.. proud of himself. He had overcome what had been the worst time of his life. This time, he didn’t resist when his eyes closed and he felt himself drifting off.  He didn’t mind being carried along in a dream.

“Where is Taemin?” repeated Key, pacing up and down the living room.

“I called everyone he knows, they haven’t seen him,” said Minho.

“He knows he can’t be seen outside! Taemin-ah, what have you done?” Jonghyun said, frustrated.

Onew had stayed silent, watching them worry about Taemin.  ‘Check his phone,” he suggested.

Key typed in the passcode to Taemin’s phone- he was the only one who knew it because everyone else, including Taemin sometimes, kept forgetting it.  The last page Taemin had been looking at popped up and he gasped at what he saw.

“What is it?” Minho asked as Key wordlessly passed the phone to him. Onew and Jonghyun crowded around Minho.
“Why would he look at sites like this?” Jonghyun whispered. They never looked at sites about themselves. They couldn’t bring themselves to look at words that were meant to hurt them. They all knew they wouldn’t be able to handle it. And if they couldn’t handle it, then what about Taemin who hadn’t even acknowledged that he had depression and had had a panic attack?

“Who was the last one with him?” asked Onew firmly.

“I was.. he looked upset and I told him to go away because I was still shocked over what happened with Lee Soo Man. Oh God, what have I done? Taemin… oh my God, it’s all my fault!”

“Calm down, where did he go?”

“I don’t know, he just ran out of the room, I thought he was just hiding somewhere or went out with you guys so it took a shower!”

“Why weren’t you looking after him?” cried Jonghyun.

“I, I-“

“See? This was exactly what I was talking about. Taemin is one of our members; you can’t just play him around like any other boy! You hurt him, you hurt all of us! He’s the closest thing any of us have to a brother and I knew you were going to just going to take advantage of him! Look what you’ve done!” Jonghyun yelled at Key.

“It’s not like that, I love him, I do,” stammered Key.

“If you loved him, then why would you take your eyes off him?” demanded Jonghyun. “I don’t know about you Key, but when I love someone I would do anything to stop them from feeling upset. And if I Ioved someone, I wouldn’t be the cause for it either,” challenged Jonghyun.

“Guys. Stop bickering. Minho and I are going out to look for Taemin. You should too,” Onew said, following Minho out the door in a rain jacket.

“Taemin! Taemin!” screamed Key into the wind to no avail. Key felt so hopeless. Taemin could be anywhere in Seoul. How were they supposed to find him? He could be anywhere, and Key didn’t want to imagine what sort of state he was in. What if he was having another panic attack somewhere and no one was there to comfort him and hold him? Worry knotted his stomach. He needed to find Taemin now.

“Come on Key, he’s not here,” Jonghyun said offhandedly.

“I don’t know where else he would be! We’ve checked the dance studio, we’ve checked the café, we’ve called his parents, his brother, his friends and none of them have seen him. He’s probably having a panic attack and so scared at the moment.. I have to find him, I have to!”

“Key, he’s not here. We’ve searched the whole park.”

“Well then we have to look harder!” yelled Key. “He loves this playground.  If he’s not here, I don’t know where he would be. He has to be here!” Even though rain was lashing down on them Key still felt hotly agitated and impatient. He needed to find Taemin and make sure he was okay. Taemin needed him. He needed Taemin. His breaths started to hitch as he ran his fingers through his hair, letting out a moan of angry, scared frustration. Where could he be? He slouched down onto the park bench. The last time he had sat here he had kissed Taemin. Where was his baby? He wiped his eyes.

“Hey.. we’re going to find him. Don’t cry Key,” Jonghyun said awkwardly, biting his lip. “Get up, we need to go looking somewhere else.”

“Just let me calm down for a second will you?” asked Key angrily. He was getting emotional but he couldn’t help it. Everything felt so futile. His mind was blank at where Taemin would be. And guilt was plaguing him, and he knew that it was his fault Taemin was out in the storm, his fault Taemin was probably breaking down now… He gritted his teeth. He was going to make it all better. They were going to find Taemin.

Key’s phone vibrated in his pocket and he answered immediately when he saw it was Minho calling.
“Did you find him?” asked Key desperately.

“No, we’re going back to the apartment and telling manager what happened. We’ve looked all the places we think he could be and no trace of him anywhere. Onew hyung wants you guys to meet us at the apartment, so you and Jonghyun hyung should go home too now.”

Key hung up without a word, fear pumping in his heart. “Jonghyun hyung… Onew hyung and Minho couldn’t find him.. they want to call manager.”

Key looked up and noticed Jonghyun gazing somewhere off into the distance.

“Hyung, did you hear me?” asked Key, annoyed when Jonghyun ignored him.

“My eyes are so bad...” mumbled Jonghyun squinting and walking off.

“Hey, wait!” called Key, running after him. “What do you see?”

“Something’s shiny over there…” Jonghyun continued, still trudging forward.

“Shiny! We’re looking for Taemin, not picking up shiny bits of trash! Come on, we have to go home!”

Key stopped walking and watched Jonghyun keep walking into the direction of the river. He squinted. Now he could see the shiny thing too.

“Leave it alone, hyung!” he yelled. They should be looking for Taemin!

He watched as Jonghyun squatted and picked the shiny thing off a rock.

“It’s a watch! I think I’ve seen it before-“ Key panicked as Jonghyun looked up and obviously saw something, froze and dashed toward the river.

‘Oh my ing God oh my ing God!” he heard Jonghyun screaming.

Key had never run so quickly in his life. What had Jonghyun found? He didn’t even want to think about it. He reached Jonghyun, who seemed to cradling something a very long muddy object, a very floppy object… and screamed when he realised what, or rather who it was.

A/N Quick, quick onto chapter 23! I'm so so so sorry it took so long for me to update :( i had exams and work, but now exams are over :D :D time to party! and to feed my secret obsession (kpop) and write my fanfic heeheehee! Do you like this chapter? please tell me what you thought of this one and the next one! and jonghyun saw something shiny... because a shiny thing will lead to SHINee! and i thought Taemin needed to save himself. He's a strong boy :P