It was 4 am and Taemin was still completely awake. His eyes burned from blinking continuously in the dark, listening to his bandmate’s deep sleeping breaths. He flipped onto his stomach, burying his face into his pillow. What was wrong with him?

Everything was wrong.

It was too hot underneath his blankets.

The room was too stuffy.

Every day he had to be up by 6:30am to do their physically and emotionally draining schedule, and in the night he just couldn’t get to sleep. Everything was just…wrong! He hadn’t seen his family and friends for months. The last time he hung out with his friends, they all had new inside jokes and experiences that left him out. His family was used to him not being there and treated him like a guest when he was. He couldn’t relax, ever, because he knew he had to work harder and be better. He couldn’t go out and get some fresh air because he would get mobbed. He was trapped inside this web, and he couldn’t and didn’t really want to get out. He was used to his fast-paced life, but at the same time, it was dragging him down.

Nothing made him feel happy. It was like his stomach was always bottoming out in depression. He would get overly anxious over things like performances, and seeing his bandmates being praised for their voices made him feel useless and bitter. Onew was an MC on at least 3 shows, and always getting asked to go on shows. Him and Jonghyun were always being toted as the best singers in SHINee. Minho was definitely the best looking, and the rapper. Of course he was heaped with praise for that. Minho was also really loved in Dream Team, and was having a great time. And Key was surrounded by friends, and his diva attitude gave him screen time. He was so happy and confident in himself. 

Taemin could never measure up.

He felt like they had everything going for them, all this support that Taemin wished he had. He felt like no one cared. He felt like the mousy stupid boy he was. 

He wanted to be happy. He wanted to be carefree and confident like his hyungs. But he couldn't. Nothing made him happy. It made him sad when he saw his hyungs going out every night with their friends while he stayed in the dorm and not one of his friends would message him unless he messaged them first, and they would beg off a conversation saying they needed to study or they were too drunk to talk to him.

It hurt that he was always left behind. That no matter how hard he danced, no one praised him, or even looked at him in shows and only asked his other band mates the questions. How people would insult him by calling him a girl and imply he was weak and he couldn't think of a comeback and his tongue would get too twisted to answer back and all he could offer was a tight smile.

Happiness was like a bubble that everyone else was in, but everytime he went after it, it floated away. Now, he just gave up trying to capture it.

He looked at his bandmates sleeping forms, waves of frustration and hopelessness crashing around him. Onew was sleeping with his covers over his head. Key was on his back gently breathing like the beauty queen he was.

Look at them, snuggled up and worry free, Taemin thought enviously.They have no idea what I’m going through and never will.

“GET UP TAEMIN, WAKE UP!” squawked a voice that deafened him.

He bolted upright, his eyes still closed.

“Go take a shower quickly and then come to breakfast. Hurry or we’re gonna be late!” fussed Key.

Taemin lay back down, groaning and covered his eyes with his arm. Was it morning already? His head was way too heavy and he could feel himself drifting off again as Key yelled. It felt like he had only just closed his eyes.

“Yah! Get up or I’ll snap your nose off!” Key scolded to no effect.  “You know there is no way I’m going to let you make us late!”

Wrapping his arms around the sleepy boy he lifted him into a sitting position and hauled him to his feet. Taemin gave a soft groan and buried his head into Key’s neck., wanting to snuggle into the warmth.

“I’m so tired Key hyung, please,” he whispered. Key’s skin was so smooth against his cheek, and Key smelled of citrus aftershave and a shower. Taemin felt like crying.

‘Aw, I know baby,” Key spoke into Taemin’s hair, rubbing his back. “Get in the shower cutie pie and you’ll wake up quickly.”

Taemin took his usual seat at the breakfast table, staring numbly at the rice and kimchi soup Key had made. Jonghyun and Onew were both laughing merrily with one another, while Minho and Key glared at each other as Key tried to nag Minho to go put on a shirt.

“It’s disgusting. What sort of a brute does that?” sneered Key.

“A real man,” Minho shot back. “But you wouldn’t know what that is, would you?”

“That doesn’t even answer my question properly,” retorted key, brushing off the insult and argument.

Then he noticed Taemin. Taemin sat there silently, swirling and staring at his kimchi soup with a faraway look. It wasn’t unusual for Taemin to be quiet but he would normally wolfed down his breakfast and would smile and laugh at his hyung’s jokes. But when Key thought about it, he remembered how recently, somebody was leaving nearly full bowls of rice at mealtimes. He never washed the dishes (they had a part time maid for that) but he hated wasting food, and he remembered how he wanted to find the culprit. He had suspected it was Jonghyun trying not to eat carbs to lose weight.

“You know if you keep looking like that your face will stay that way,” Key stated dryly.

Taemin’s head snapped up, his brown eyes tired.

“Sorry Key hyung,” he mumbled quietly.

“Why aren’t you eating? And are those bags under your eyes?” Key questioned.

Taemin looked down sheepishly as attention gathered on him.

“Ooh, Taemin must be loovesiick! Tossing and turning thinking about a giirrll!” Jonghuyn announced.

“Can we guess who it is?” Onew jumped in.

“No, because it’s 7 o’clock and we have to leave soon!” yelped Key.

“Oh my god,” said the other members as they dashed up and went to their rooms to get ready. All except Taemin and Key.

“What’s wrong, Taemin?” asked Key softly, running his hands through the maknae’s hair. “Are you really tired?”

Taemin nodded wearily.

“Poor Taemin,” Key soothed, hugging the younger boy tightly and rubbing his back. “Now let’s go put some concealer on those eyes!”

Taemin sat on the edge of the bed as Key kneeled  before him with some concealer.

“Darling, I’m going to make you beautiful!” blabbered Key as he pinched Taemin’s soft cheek as Taemin gave a slight smile.

Key leaned forward into Taemin’s knees, pushing them apart to get closer.

“Look up,” Key instructed.

Taemin did as he was told, relishing how their bodies were pushed up against each other and the heat from Key. The citrus scent again, and he felt excited as Key gently started to pat concealer under his eyes. He was still so tired, and he wanted to bury his face into Key.

“All done!” announced Key who got to his feet. “Come on Taemin, we’ll be late,” dragging him up by his hand. Key knew Taemin liked holding hands and hoped that it would make him feel a bit better as he didn’t let go of the hand that softly clasped his.