What should I do?

Just smile..

What can I do?

Just keep that smile!

Author’s pov

Kikwang sat on a bench at the bus stop, waiting for the next bus to the hotel that he staying even though he actually doesn’t know which bus to take. He stared blankly at the road, watching the vehicles passing by to west and east expressionlessly but still, he can hear nothing. Completely disrtact in his own world.

Who said he doesn’t care? Who said he doesn’t hurt. His heart shattered by every single word uttered by Hyuk Jin and Junghyung who obviously ditching him from their live. He just doesn’t want to add more oil into the fire. As long as they are happy and satisfied, he will just let it be.

He thankful enough Hyuk Jin didn’t throw him away to the orphanage when his mom died, thus, he has nothing to argue. Maybe that’s why Dujun always mad on him; he likes to remain silent. Kikwang satisfied enough with his current life style. He doesn’t interest with his late parent’s wealth, what he had now is more than he can handle, why should he ask for more?

His thought was pulled back to reality by a horn beeping from a car which just stops in front of him. As the window scrolled down, Dujun’s face pops out to the sight.

“Yah, donsaeng-ah, get in.” he shouted from the car.

Kikwang lazily dragged his feet into Dujun’s car.

“Don’t you have to work? It’s still working hours now.” Kikwang muttered as he glanced at his wrist watch. Dujun suddenly slapped his head and he yelp in pain, rubbing his hurt head.

“Yah, what’s that for?” Kikwang snapped.

“I’m the director, I can do whatever I want! No one can fired me, well, no one accept for father.”Dujun replied proudly.

“Who said?” Kikwang obviously dissastified with Dujun’s answer. Being a very dedicated employee, he extremely sensitive when the involving with the topic of responsibility.

“I said!” Dujun keeps arguing, purposely so that Kikwang will snap him back. He missed this kind of cat fight with his donsaeng, they used to had it a lot years ago, but these years they merely even a chance.

“Oh great! I’m feeling like I should tell Terrence Grandpa to CANCEL the collaboration with L.K Group. They have an idle-stoned--director who liiike to skip work!!” Kikwang answered sarcastically.

Dujun pouted. “Where did you learn those words, huh? Idle-stoned--director? I never heard you used that kind of words before.” Dujun mimicked the words which actually Kikwang learnt from mood-swing-girl, Amber, which Kikwang accidently found quite interesting.

“I figure it myself. I think it suits you.” He replied, hiding the truth.

Dujun just shook his head. “You are not really going to call your grandpa right?” he asked.

“I will!” Kikwang took out his mobile phone from his pocket. Purposely trying to freak Dujun out.

“Aisshh.. Don’t call him, I’m just kidding.” Dujun grab Kikwang’s phone and threw it to back seat. Kikwang chuckled by his hyung childish action.

“Hyung! My phone!” he pouted.

.

.

“Kikwang-ah, are you okay?” the older man carefully asked after momentary silence between them.

“What do you mean? Of course I’m perfectly fine! Healthy and sound.” Kikwang blindly answer. He knew it’s not what his hyung mean, Dujun actually asking for his feeling, which he himself not sure how.

“Kikwang-ah, don’t lie. I know appa and Junhyung-hyung just too much. It’s okay, you can share with me.” Dujun’s voice mixed between guilty and concern, Kikwang could sense it.

“It’s nonsense if I said I’m not hurt. I’m just an ordinary human being, my heart has feeling”. He smiled at the end of his word to cover his disappointment. “but, there is nothing I can do about it. They obviously don’t want me to be here and I also have no reason to stay. As long as everyone satisfied I can live as a happy man!” he tries his best to sound happy, but for the whole time, he can't help but playing with his fingers, signing the uneasiness.

Dujun let out a sigh. Kikwang’s word made him feel even guiltier. He stop his car at the red light and stared deep at his hand on the steering, finding the most suitable word to say.

“I’m sorry.” He mumbled.

Kikwang took a deep breath, disagreed with Dujun’s action.

“You don’t have to, nothing is your false. Everything I do is my own decision, me myself have to bear with the consequences. This is the path that I choose. Hyung, no need to say sorry.” Dujun bites his lip. He had expecting that kind of respond from Kikwang, he knows his donsaeng very well, never put the blame on others.

“We still have sometime before your flight. It’s this evening right? Where do you want to go?” Dujun change the course as his car once again swiftly drove on the road.

“Omma’s and appa’s cemetery.” Kikwang muttered with his face facing the busy road through the window, trying to arrange his scattered mind.

~~~

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Dujun grab a bouquet of tulips that they just bought from flower’s shop minutes ago on the way to the cemetery and pushed the bouquet to Kikwang’s chest. “Are you sure you don't want me to come along?” he asked, eyeing his dongsaeng’s face.

“Naaah, I’ll go alone, just wait for me here. I won’t take long time.” Kikwang replied.

“Okay then, just take your time.” Kikwang nodded at Dujun’s word than turned his wheel.

It had been almost five years since the last time he visit his parents. He felt guilty for not come often. His parents have no one accept him, who else will come if it wasn’t him? Maybe Dujun did come once a while, but it’s not the same. He is their real son so it is his respondsibility to do it.

Stepping to the cemetery, he can’t help but feeling soaked with grief. Here is where the person the love the most buried, leaving him to grow up alone. The burden that he held on his shoulder felt like 10 times heavier than usual whenever he thinks about it.

He placed the flowers in between his mom and dad tombstone which are side by side and sat on the green lush grass. He pulled a smile on his face.

“Omma, appa, I’m here. Do you miss me?” he said.

“I’m sorry I haven’t come to visit you often, I bet, I must be a bad son for you. Are you regret for having me?” he chuckled by his own words. Tears started to blur his vision, he wipe it with back of his hand before it started to drip on his cheeks.

“This might sound childish, I’m so sorry if I might disappointing both of you, but seriously, I can’t help to stop myself from missing you. jeongmal pugoshippo!” he chuckled again, shy by his own confession.

He let every single memory he had with his parents filled his brain. His mom’s cooks, his dad read him the bed time’s story before he went to sleep, their laughter, jokes, the day of his dad’s death, his mom’s hugs, but everything went blank until the memory he had with his mom in the basement. He can’t remember anything that happen when his mom on her deathbed. The day seems like it doesn’t exist.

But Kikwang can remember clearly what happen on the next week, when he woke up from hospital bed after the accident. Dujun’s hesitant face to explain his mom death to him keeps replaying in his mind. How tight Dujun’s hug when half of his soul snapped from his life and when he almost drained himself with tears.

flashback~~

"H-hyung.. a-andwae..andwae!! This can't be truth. Hyung you are liar!! Say that you are lying! Say that you are joking! Hyung.. jaebal.." Kikwang frantically crying. Half of his mind was just out of his guard. Pushing down everything on the desk besides his hospital bed which Dujun neatly arranged minutes before, agrily pulling the IV that injected to his left arm causing the some amount of hot red liquid to leak from his vein staining his cloth and bed sheet, wildly shooking his head while covering both of his ears as he pulled his knees closer to the chest, face soaked with tears, kept mumbling the words of 'Hyung are liar' like a mantra. 

Dujun was afraid, afraid and confuse. He didn't know what should he do? How can he calm Kikwang down? His heart broke into pieces looking at the younger state.

He unconsciously approach his dongsaeng and hug the small figure in front him tightly. Shushing Kikwang to cool down. and he too kept mumbling the same words of "Kimcana Kikwang-ah, stop crying, hyung is here..", lulling him with comforting words untill the younger fall asleep in his embrance.

end of flashback~~

To Kikwang, his hyung is the only one who bothers to lend him shoulder to cry, to share some strength with him. He don't know how tall the mountains of thank you he owed from Dujun.    

“Excuse me, mister.” A male voice from his back distracts his attention. Kikwang turn around and pointed his index finger to his chest, rising his brows. Giving the half century man with ‘are you calling for me’ look. The man nodded.

“Are you Lee Kikwang-sshi?” he suddenly asked.

Kikwang frowned. He never met this man before, but how did he know his name?

“Do I know you?”                    

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