Care About You

---

Cinnamon Hot Chocolate and Yoo Jaesoon.

Nam Joohyuk was wooing me.

There was no other word for it. Probably the kind of word used when Rob Roy were the drink. And men wore smoking jackets. And there were weekend visitors who actually stayed at Jeju Water. He was wooing me.

And I was eating it up.

The day had been better than I ever could have imagined. The fact that Joohyuk planned this for me was almost too much to take in. This was a day I'd never forget, no matter what happened, if anything happened, between us. And now I had a clue as to what he might have been thinking about in that picture from the dance - it must have been something to do with his ex-girlfriend if she had been there. I wanted to know more about his family, about his breakup, about him.

We drove for a while through narrow winding roads with thick, dense forest on either side. The rental labored, puttering loudly uphill and chirping down. Finally there was a small clearing with a mailbox. Jjwogi turned right, down an even narrower unpaved lane, which eventually widened into a large expanse of land. A few horses grazed in a fenced-in field. There were two corrals, and several large barns and a house that looked like a yuppie's version of a log cabin. Three dogs of various sizes and breeds came rushing up to the car, tails wagging furiously. Joohyuk slowed down. My jaw may have actually dropped.

"This is where your aunt lives?"

"Yep, cool, huh?"

"Cool? How about magnificent? Incredible?"

He smiled, cutting the engine. "How about - wait till you see the inside."

I looked out the window at our canine welcoming committee. Joohyuk got out of the car first. The dogs ambushed him, hopping around and jumping on hind legs as he made his way over to my side of the car. He knelt down and gave them each hearty scratches on the neck, going forehead to snout with the golden retriever. A woman waved from the porch as two kids galloped down the stairs to greet Joohyuk. The dogs encircled all of them in a flurry of wagging tails and paws and lolling tongues as I stepped out of the car.

The small dog, a furball of life, came tearing toward me, yipping wildly.

"That's Snow. She won't bite," a young girl with two long pigtails said.

"Hey, Snow," I said, reaching out and running my fingers across the dog's soft fur. Her coat reminded me of a pair of earmuffs I owned. She sniffed my hand and ran her little pink tongue across my fingers. I laughed and pulled my hand away.

"This is my cousin Yeji. Yeji, this is Suzy," Joohyuk said.

"Do you guys need help with your things?" she asked, scratching the dog behind the ear.

"Sure." Joohyuk pulled the bags out of the trunk. Yeji grabbed mine.

"You don't really have to do that," I said.

"No one should carry their bags on their birthday." She smiled and tromped off. I looked at Joohyuk.

"Does everyone know it's my birthday?"

"Kind of," he sheepishly smiled.

We walked toward the house. Joohyuk's aunt was still on the porch, smiling as we approached.

"Hey, about time you here," she said. "Hyunjin's been asking for you since he woke up this morning."

"Have not," said the young boy.

"Hi," I said, suddenly shy. I had the overwhelming desire for them to like me.

"Suzy, this is my aunt Julia, but everyone call her Lia," Joohyuk said. "And that guy over there is Hyunjin, the little poodle is Gaeul, and last but not least is Gabsoon, the golden retriever."

"And your uncle Jisung, but he's away at a trade show in Gwangju," Aunt Lia said. "Happy Birthday, Suzy, we're so happy to meet you."

I widened my eyes at Joohyuk. Not the birthday thing again.

"How did you like Jeju Water?" she asked, leading us into the house.

"Oh it was amazing." I stopped immediately after crossing the threshold. Joohyuk was right. If I'd thought the log cabin was impressive from the outside, it was nothing compared to the inside. My jaw dropped again as I took in the high ceiling of the great room. The first floor was one big open space from the sitting area near the fireplace to the kitchen. The kitchen was separated from the great room by a long counter, with stools for seating. One wall was completely floor-to-ceiling windows. The view of the hills and the sky was breathtaking.

"Why don't you show Suzy to her room, Yeji," Aunt Lia said.

Yeji still had my bag slung over her shoulder. She waved for me to follow her down a long hall. If I had to guess I would have pegged her for fourteen or fifteen, but she was a good inch taller than me.

"Here it is," she said, opening the door to a room that was twice the size of mine at home. Even though it was big, the dark wooden walls made it feel cozy. There was a large window that opened up to the same view as the great room. A wardrobe was on the far wall, and the bed frame was made from tree branches, the headboard a tangle of branches and vines, with a white gauzy dust ruffle. Yeji tossed my bag on the bed, then sat beside it and proceeded to stare at me.

"How long have you and Joohyuk been together?" she asked.

"Oh, we're not together, like that anyway - just friends."

"Too bad, you seem really cool and super pretty."

I ran my fingers through my hair, pulling on a tuft behind my ear out of nervous habit. A flurry of clicking and panting rushed behind me as Snow raced across the wooden floor and leapt up onto the bed next to Yeji.

"Thanks."

A knock on the door made us both turn.

"Yeji, your mom wants you," Joohyuk said.

"Later," she said. With Snow still in her arms, Yeji skated in her socks across the floor and out of the room.

"Sorry if she was bothering you," Joohyuk said. He stood there, hands in hoodie pockets, his hair sticking up in a charming way.

"No, not at all, I'm fine - just, you know, tired I guess," I said. "I just want to maybe change or something, or check in with eomma."

"Cool. I'm bunking with Hyunjin if you need me for anything. Hey, you know how to play Spoons?"

"Um, what?" I tilted my head.

"The card game? Like Crazy Eights?"

I shook my head.

"I'll teach you." He smiled as he shut the door. I collapsed onto the bed, half expecting woodland creatures to appear and tuck me in. Could the place be any more enchanting? Before the trip was over, I had the feeling I could what it felt like to kiss Nam Joohyuk. Breathe, Suzy.

✿ Secrets of Attraction ✿

Dinner was a continuation of the complete and utter amazingness that had been my birth - um, special day. We made our own pizzas from scratch - well, the dough had been prepared beforehand, but Aunt Lia had put out all different ingredients in small bowls around the countertop. Hyunjin had so much pepperoni on his pizza it look like shingles on a roof; both Aunt Lia and Yeji made regular cheese and tomato sauce pies; I tried my hand at a margherita with fresh mozzarella and basil; and Jjwogi surprised the heck out of me by making a Hawaiian, with pineapples and ham and cheese.

After dinner we sat near the fireplace and played Spoons, which involved matching cards and grabbing spoons, and I completely and utterly at it and was the first one to spell out S-P-O-O-N. Hyunjin kicked everyone's . Joohyuk disappeared and came back with an acoustic guitar.

"Well, that was fun. Time for some not-birthday cake?" Aunt Lia looked at me.

"What's that for?" I motioned to Joohyuk and the guitar, anticipating another rousing version of the song I cringed over. He smiled and strummed.

"Mood music. I promise to get it right this time." He laughed.

I collected the cards, making room for the not-birthday cake, which we were going to chow down on near the fireplace. Aunt Lia carried the cake into the great room, the dogs following at her heel.

"Can we sing?" Yeji pleaded.

I was about to say sure - I mean, really, how could I refuse? - when Joohyuk cut in.

"We'll do the version we sing to my dad - how's that?"

They all looked so excited.

"Okay."

Joohyuk strummed a few chords of the Beatles' "Birthday" song, and they all started singing and clapping to it. I blew out the one candle I'd allowed them to put on the cake, and smiled.

The cake was decorated in an ombré from white to purple frosting and lilac swirls on top with a single sparkly purple pine tree candle. The cake made me weak in the knees after three forkfuls and a half glass. Full and lazy, I never wanted  to get up from the couch.

"Hyukie, play that song you played at your mom's birthday part that time," Yeji said,

He shook his head, swallowing a mouthful of cake. "Nah."

"Oh, come on, it's so pretty," Aunt Lia said.

"I'm eating," he said, looking down.

"Suzy, you should hear it, it's . . . What was it?"

"Best Part," Aunt Lia said. "He learned it as a gift to his mom.

"Guys," Joohyuk said. "No."

 "You played a sweet romantic song? Oh, you have to do it. It's my birthday, I demand it."

"You hate birthdays."

"Doesn't matter. Play," I said, pointing at the guitar and waving my hand to order him around. Being the birthday girl did have privileges, after all. He narrowed his eyes at me as he wiped his mouth with a napkin. He picked up the guitar and sat down on the edge of the couch, strumming softly and fiddling with the tuning knobs at the end a few times.

"I have not played this since last summer," he said. "So, you know, you've been warned."

He plucked the strings slowly, stopped, then started again. At first he looked down at the neck of his guitar. Each note precise and sweet. The was song was familiar, like something I would have heard in school, but the way Joohyuk played, it felt more like a dream. Quickening at some parts, slowing down and over other notes. He hit a sour note and winced, laughed a little, and looked at me while he continued.

I blinked, looked away.

There was something so intimate and raw about the way he played. He couldn't help but be an open book when the guitar was in his hand. It had been the same way at 2STO. It wasn't dark, or the crowd, it had been his music that revealed a part of him to me. When I looked back, his chin was up, eyes closed, mouth trembling like he was whispering to someone. His hair feel across his forehead and he flipped it back, not missing a note. The longer he played, the more it seemed like he was playing with his whole body, not just his hands.

His playing slowed. I savored each second, not wanting it to end. He sighed, plucking the final sound, a high note. We all sat still, letting the tone reverberate, mixing in with the crackling fire and the soft hush of our own breathing. Yeji broke the spell by clapping.

"You didn't hear those off-notes?" he asked.

"No, it was beautiful," Aunt Lia said.

Hyunjin yawned, loud and long. Joohyuk look at me.

"It was great." Great seemed to brash and understated a word. Magnificent felt like overkill, but wow . . . I'd felt the song.

"Okay, you two, time to get ready for bed."

"But Eommmmma, we haven't played Go Stop yet," Yeji protested.

"It's too late for Go Stop."

Then it occured to me this mass exodus was for my benefit. For mine and Joohyuk's. To be alone.

So I did what any girl who'd been feted and pampered would do.

I freaked the hell out.

"I, um, wow, I'm beat, Jjwogi."

"Oh, yeah, me too." He said it, but I didn't believe him. "What time do you want to leave in the morning?"

I stretched. "I don't know. Whenever. Not in a rush."

"Ten-ish sound good?"

"Sure."

We gathered up the dirty cake dishes and dumped them in the sink. I helped clean up the empty cups and brought the leftover cake to the counter.

"Thank you so much, for everything. This has been incredible."

Joohyuk smiled, his eyes zeroed in on mine - asking me to linger.

With him.

"Good night," I whispered, then bolted to my room.

✿ Secrets of Attraction ✿

Sleep would not indulge me.

I'd washed, changed into my fleece PJ bottoms, and even put on the fuzzy slipper socks I needed to have on so my feet wouldn't get cold. My mind raced. I jammed my eyes shut again. Willing myself to Go. To. Sleep.

Nothing.

The comforter was down-filled, and hugged my body in a way that was heavy and light at the same time. The sheets were so soft and warm now, with a slight scent of lavender. The bed was perfect, blissful sleep cocoon. There was no reason why I shouldn't be able to fall asleep. Except . . .

The haunting melody of "Best Part" kept dancing through my brain. Any time I closed my eyes, it was there, as was Joohyuk and that look on his face, the way his fingers moved up and down the neck of his guitar.

Breathe, Suzy.

I was falling for Nam Joohyuk.

How could I not?

Wasn't that what this whole trip was about?

I felt mean thinking that way. None of it was calculated. It wasn't like this trip was easy. A three-hour travel; one hour flight and two hours driving. A weekend off from work and practice, when the Battle was two weeks away. he'd done it for me.

That was scary, uncertain ground. I thought about what Minho had said when we broke up - Maybe you'll let him in. I didn't know what he meant until now. I could always box Minho up - as fun guy, great kisser. And whenever things seemed like they were getting deeper - I'd shut off, or down, because it was easier to feel in control that way. I wasn't in control now.

I tossed and turned a few more times before finally throwing off the cover and getting up with plans on raiding the kitchen for a glass of milk or something. Maybe another slice of cake would put me into a blissful sugar coma and help me sleep. Mr door creaked, no matter how gently I tried to open it. I paused, waiting to hear any telltale clicking of little paws or feet. Nothing.  I tiptoed quietly down the hall. The fire illuminated the great room, shadows expanding and flickering across the walls.

I froze mid-step, heart jumping into my throat. Joohyuk was there, on the couch, staring into the fireplace. He nodded out for a moment, dozing.

Stop pretending, girlie. You didn't come out here for cake.

I moved toward him, cleared my throat so I wouldn't completely freak him out. He jolted awake, sitting up when he saw me.

"Hey." He ran a hand through his hair.

"Hi," I said. His eyes moved across me, taking in my black fleece PJ bottoms with the fluorescent hearts, my thin white tee. I crossed my arms.

"You're still up?" Um, duh, Soo.

"Barely."

I flopped in the corner opposite him, curling my legs up underneath me. The fire made my skin feel tight, warm, and dry. The flames were hypnotic.

"I can't stop thinking about the way you played that song," I finally said.

He laughed. "You missed the clunker notes."

"No, clunkers and all, it was . . . You were . . ."

He waited for me to say more, but I couldn't find the words. Nothing could describe it.

"Where do you go?" I asked.

"Hmm?"

"When you play, when you close your eyes it looks like you're whispering or something . . . you're gone." After i voiced it, the question sounded ridiculous. He stared into the fire, a small smile crossing his lips.

"Come on," he said, standing up.

"What?"

"Let me show you what it feels like." For a moment I was disoriented. This was Stage Joohyuk, confident, holding out his hand to me, letting me in on his scent. What was he going to do? Go get your boots on."

Not what I expected.

I went back to my room, pulled on my boots, and met him by the front door, heart racing. Where were we heading? he had on his hoodie, a patchwork quilt slung over his shoulder.

"Here," he said, handing me his leather jacket. I put it on, zipping it up to my chin this time, and followed him out into the frigid night.

My eyes finally adjusted to the dark, as we walked down a dirt path that cut between the barns. Soft whinnies echoed through the slats in the stalls; the sweet smell of hay and sting of manure made my nose itch. Aside from that, everything was still, peaceful, except for our feet scuffing against the hard road. Questions raced through my mind, but it felt like talking would interrupt something.

Joohyuk veered off the road, walking into a vast, grassy field bordered by a forest and looking over his shoulder to make sure I was following him.

"Be careful where you step," he said.

"How can I even see anything?"

"Oh, you'll feel it when you step in a pile of something," he said, chuckling. He looked up toward the sky and spun around, fanning out the blanket and letting it fall onto the field. "This will do."

"For what?"

He knelt down, patted the space next to him. "Suzy, have you been disappointed at all today?"

I sighed, easing my way onto the blanket. It was cold. Correction: effing cold. But I was curious. I squatted till my hit the ground, ignoring the feeling of frostbite seeping through my PJ bottoms.

"Now what?"

He smiled, leaning back so he was flat on the blanket, hands folded on his chest. I did the same, sliding onto my back.

"So you go out to a horse pasture when you play the guitar?" I asked.

"Duh."

"Well?"

"What are you feeling, right now?"

"Freezing."

"Aside from that."

"I don't know . . . that the sky is so pretty. We see more out here than where we live because of all the pollution and lights, but then that sort of bums me out because the pollution makes me feel so helpless."

"Okay, right. Nothing more?"

I sighed. "It's all so big and beautiful and blah, blah, blah."

He laughed. "The blah, blah, blah is what everyone is afraid to let in."

There it was, that letting-in phase again. What was I afraid to let in? This?

"I feel so small - like when I'm sitting here and looking up, I realize that nothing is ever still, those stars are constantly imploding and dying and new ones are born, and we're on some spinning hunk of rock in the middle of a galaxy and when you look at it that way, hell, you realize how insignificant we really are, and it's scary, but then you wonder, how can we be alone? It's pure arrogance to think we're all alone in the universe, and it's a nice thought - the not being alone. 

"But then someone hurts you, or pushes you into a locker, or breaks your heart, and you realize how alone you are, and it blows. And it's that uncertainty that makes us all bat crazy, right? What does life mean? What if it means nothing? Well, when I'm playing, when I close my eyes, it's like for a split second, just a sip of time, I understand stuff and I'm part of everything. And I know there's something more - can physically feel connected to it, can feel it going through me. So that's it, that's where I go when it looks like I'm whispering. I know it sounds weird but I think everyone has something like, that, you know? I think you have it when you draw. I saw it today in your eyes, when you showed me your version of that house. It was ing brilliant."

Time stood still in that moment. Listening to Joohyuk talk, the intensity behind his words, the mystery of the night sky, even the cold - it all filled me. Yoona popped into my head, her sparkly, maical love glitter . . . a person cracking open. Joohyuk had always been open, with his smile, his foam art at Soop, when he played the guitar - I was the one cracking open into a whole other person.

"Please say something."

"I think the whispering thing is y," I said.

He was silent, but I felt the movement of his head on the blanket as he shifted in my direction.

A star imploding, another one being born. I was cracking open, letting him in, I couldn't stop it.

"Jjwogi, I lied about the birthday thing, about not liking to celebrate. I think because it never lived up to what I thought it should be. That people tried too hard to have good time or make sure I was happy. This is the birthday I never knew I wanted."

I turned toward Joohyuk, knowing when our eyes met that I would be a goner. My lips tingled at the thought of touching his, but a large shadow loomed over him. I sat bolt-upright, my hand covering my mouth in a silent scream.

He shot up too. "What . . . oh, ."

Joohyuk blocked my body with his, laying his hands  down on either side of me. I peered over his shoulder, grabbing on to the hood of his sweatshirt.

A massive buck stood about five feet away. Towering over us with long, spindly antlers sprouting treelike from its head. He pawed at the grass and grunted, white tendrils of breath coming from its snout. We sat frozen on the ground, waiting for something to happen.

"Is he going to charge at us or something?" I had visions of being gored with those antlers, right through both of us. And I never kissed Joohyuk.

"I don't know," he whispered.

"Should we run for it?"

"No, just stay still." He sounded confident, but his heart was pounding as fast as mine. I could feel it through his sweatshirt.

The buck grunted again and lifted its head, frozen a moment except for its ears, which pricked up, twitching. Glassy, dark eyes stared unbinkling. I wasn't sure how long we sat like that, but it felt like forever, until more shadows emerged. There were five to ten more deer, walking slowly across the field. Joohyuk laughed, low. I didn't feel threatened anymore, just fascinated. They were beautiful, graceful without even trying. The buck stamped its foot once again before galloping off to join with the others.

"Well, that was interesting," he said, letting out a ragged breath. He leaned back on his hands, legs out in front of him, feet moving back and forth releasing for pent-up energy.

My heart still throbbed from the rush. "You sat in front of me."

"I did," he said, looking up at the sky. A smile crept across his face.

"Very chivalrous."

He leaned toward me and nudged me with his shoulder.

"You said I was y," he said, straightening up, toll looking up at the sky.

I wrapped my arms around my knees, hid my face, and laughed. "The whispering thing. I said that whispering thing was y."

He swept his fingers into my hair, raking past my ear to the nape of my neck. I shivered, resting my cheek against my knees so I could look at him. 

"You know where else I was when I played that song?"

I shook my head.

He kept his eyes on mine, moving closer. I straightened up, tilted my face toward his. The tip of his nose grazed mine. I closed my eyes, anticipating the kiss, but Joohyuk only nuzzled my face, his lips brushing my cheek. He kissed my neck, the hollow below my ear, and sent a flood of warmth through me, my skin electric.

"Jjwogi," I whispered, lips trembling.

He nipped my earlobe. "I was here."

Kissed my temple. "And here."

I grabbed his fistful of his sweatshirt, turning toward him. The leather jacket was suddenly awkward and bulky, squeaking as I moved. He hesitated, hands on either side of my face, our foreheads touching. Our eyes were open as our lips touched, lightly at first. Joohyuk closed his eyes, kissing me full on the mouth, his tongue coaxing my lips open, as we fell back side by side, onto the blanket, our legs tangling up together.

Broody Barista could kiss.

I ped the jacket, grabbed his hand, and brought it toward my waist.

"Mmmm," he moaned, moving his hand up my back and pulling me against him. We kissed that way for a while, shifting positions, dissolving into each other. The air nipped at the sliver of bare skin between my tee and PJ bottoms. Reality.

"Joohyuk," I said between kisses, "I can't feel my fingers."

He laughed and grabbed my icy hand, enfolded it in his. "Same here."

"Do you think . . . maybe," I said, hesitating. What did I want? I wanted more of this, of him, but where? Could I really ask him back to my room? It felt odd.

He looked toward the house. "No one's awake, we could . . ."

"Sneak into my room," I said.

He touched his forehead to mine.

I continued. "Not to, you know . . . just . . . There's a door that can shut."

"Exactly," he finished, kissing the now-frozen tip of my nose, my lips again.

Joohyuk stood up first, held out both his hands and pulled me to standing. He gathered the blanket and threw it around both our shoulders as we headed toward the house. It looked so far away. He stopped and pulled me in for another kiss, before we decided to run for it. Tromping up the stairs, I was dizzy at the thought of picking up where we'd left off. He opened the door. We were greeted by three little fur faces, panting and wagging their hello. Aunt Lia was in the kitchen, stirring a pot on the stove.

"I couldn't sleep. Anyone want cocoa? You guys look frozen."

Joohyuk and I looked at each other and laughed.

"That sounds great, Aunt Lia," he said.