OST Part 4 of CLOY

Chum-Churum and Tteokbokki were not cutting it in yearbook today. My mood was a complete flatline. I sat, head down, waiting for Bogum to hand over our next assignments while random thoughts scrambled around in my brain.

It was Wednesday and eomma and I were still not on pleasant speaking terms. I wasn't sure  is she was just giving me space, letting me find my own path to forgiveness, or if that Buddha statue had secretly been something she'd wanted to bring on Antiques Roadshow and she was heartbroken it was now in smithereens in our garbage can. We spoke, but it was day-to-day details. We hadn't even dished about my weekend.

And then, Joohyuk.

My feelings for him were too raw, new. I hated the way I'd acted about that stupid napkin. Samsan had been on fire at 2STO - why wouldn't he get some attention? Getting so close to him, in such a short time, was scary. Pushing him away was much easier. Now I was in control. Only it didn't make me feel any better.

"CJ E&M dance staffs, can I talk to you for a minute?" Bogum had his serious editor in chief face on. I glanced at Stephanie and Yoona, who both threw me a perplexed looks. We got up and walked to  Bogum's desk. He motioned for us to come around to his side to look at something on his computer screen.

The CJ E&M layout was pulled up on her laptop. I managed a smile. Out of everything I'd done for the yearbook so far, this made me the most proud.

"So no final tweaks or changes? We can put this to bed?"

The three of us looked at each other and nodded at Bogum. "Excellent. There's something else I'd like to tell you. It's not completely official - well, not until the end of the term - but I wanted to let you know I'm recc'ing you three for editorial positions next year. This doesn't mean you can slack or anything. I'm telling you as incentive to keep up the good work."

"Well where's the fun in that?" I asked. "Aren't there any perks?"

"You'll find there are a lot of people who suddenly want to be your friend - not that I take advantage or anything." Bogum grinned. "I'll have more assignments next meeting. You're finished today if you'd like to leave early."

That was perk enough for me at the moment. We collected our things and walked out to the locker bay.

"I'm already thinking about all the ways I can make Yoo Chulsan up to me," Stephanie said, grin so wide it made my cheeks hurt just looking at her.

"We don't have the job yet," Yoona said.

"Don't be a buzzkill. We should celebrate - how about an after-meeting coffee or something."

"Can't today - I'm meeting Changwook for a run."

"Really? So this friend thing with Changwook is really working out," I said.

"Yeah, weird, huh? It's like, after we hooked up, we realized we're better as friends."

"Can't kiss to save his life?" I closed my locker and put on my jacket.

"Soo."

Yoona laughed. "Nah, he knows what he's doing."

"You can really just be friends even after you swapped spit?" Stephanie asked.

"It's weird, I guess, but I'm trying to take a play out of the Bae Suzy handbook."

"I have a handbook? News to me. You should loan it to me sometime."

"You know what I mean - I've always liked the way you can be cool, not let the physical stuff mess with your head. Changwook's been a great running partner. Keeps me on pace, challenges me on the trail. Kind of better than a boyfriend right now. Beats always running with appa, too."

"I'm impressed." I was flattered she looked at me as a sort of relationship guru, but that was far from the truth at the moment. Everything about Joohyuk messed with my head. I envied her blind enthusiasm.

"I'm just, you know, experimenting. We'll see. Hey, I switched my schedule this week at my mom's office, so I can go to yoga - why don't we just have our celebratory coffees after class then?"

"Do you mind?" I asked Stephanie.

"No, sounds perfect."

"Great, see you later," Yoona said, trotting up the stairs, gym bag in tow.

Stephanie stuffed the rest of her books into her messenger bag and twisted the combination dial on her locker.

"Ready to slum it on the bus?" she asked. Now that Samsan was practicing every day, she was back to being rideless after school, at least until after the Battle was over.

"Lead the way."

We climbed the stairs from the locket dungeon and went out through the side doors. Spring was on its way to being sprung - new buds forming on the trees that lined the driveway of Union - but there was still a bite in the air. I pulled up my hoodie, wishing I'd worn Joohyuk's jacket instead. After finding that number in the pocket, I couldn't bring myself to touch it, let alone put it on. It was still in a heap on my bedroom floor. No handbook page for that one.

"So does Joohyuk think they have a chance on Friday?" Stephanie asked.

"Haven't talked to him since the weekend."

"Why? I thought you said you had a great time."

"I did, it was, like, best-time-of-my-life good, but... there's something I didn't tell you. Something I feel supremely stupid about."

We walked a few feet in silence. I'd told both Stephanie and Yoon about how great the weekend had been, and about the weirdness with eomma, but I left out the napkin, and what I did when I found it. I'd been burning to spill my idiocy to someone, but I still felt, well, idiotic about it.

"And?"

"I called Minho."

Stephanie stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. "What?"

"He texted me happy birthday, and I called him."

"Why would you do that?"

"Self-sabotage?"

"I don't get it, you said you had such a great time."

I looped my arm through hers and leaned closer to her as we walked toward the bus top. "I found a girl's phone number in his jacket pocket. On a napkin from 2STO. And... I called it."

"Bae Suzy. You're jealous?"

"Shh," I hissed, looking around as if someone really cared about what we were saying. "I think I am, was, anyway - wouldn't you be?"

Her face scrunched in thought. "If the number was still in his pocket, what are the odds he even used it?"

I hadn't thought of that.

"What happened when you dialed that number?"

"Nothing, the girl on the other end didn't sound like she even knew his name."

"So, that's why you called Minho?"

"I'm not sure why I called Minho. It wasn't like one of our, you know, ytimes calls. We talked. It was friendly. Normal. He's already with that sophomore from the dance that was drooling all over him. And the thing is -  that didn't even bother me. Why would a napkin with a phone number drive me to such battery but I was all, like, 'Hey, that's great, you make a nice couple,' when Minho told me about that girl?"

Stephanie smirked.

"What?"

"You really don't see it?"

Of course I saw it, but I didn't get it. At all. We crossed the street with arms still looped.

"Minho's hot and fun, but you guys never had that thing."

"What thing?"

"That thing where you hang on to the other person's every word because everything they say is one more piece of their puzzle. Minho's puzzle wasn't that complicated. I think that's why it was easy for you to keep your distance. Deep down you craved a bit more than that - even though you pretend you don't."

"How do you know that?"

"Because you're pretty complicated puzzle yourself. Like attracts like. The secret of attraction."

"I'm not sure I can handle all this angst. What would you do if you found a girl's number in Jisoo's jacket?"

"I trust him, maybe it seems naive, but I do. He loves being in this band - and I know he'll probably get his share of numbers, but at the end of the night, he's with me. And when he's with me, he's completely with me. So I don't think of all the other stuff. That may be a direct quote from the Bae Suzy handbook. You should take your own advice. The guy is smitten, Soo, so what if a girl gave him her number? jealousy. It's a waste of time." (Said by my friend, Jacqueline.)

"So is ' jealousy' from the Stephanie Lee handbook?"

She laughed. "Sure. Let's make T-shirts."

When I got home, I took out my leather portfolio and laid out all the pieces that I wanted to include in it. The sketch of my floor plans for an extension on our house. The logo for Samsan. My prize photo of the Ferris wheel from the fall. The choice photo from the CJ E&M Dance. There was a pastel landscape from art class, and I'd taken a photo of my Popsicle stick version of Namsan Tower to showcase my model-making skills.

Then there was the sketch of Joohyuk - I wasn't sure if I wanted to include it. Was it too personal? I guess that was what art was all about. Getting your heart and soul on the page for all to see. I'd always had such trouble drawing Minho's face right - was it because I really hadn't seen him? Wasn't interest in his puzzle enough, like Stephanie had said? I let my eyes go unfocused as I stared at my work, dreaming up the order that I'd put them in for the most impact, wondering what pieces were strong enough to include. The process made me so unsure, but it thrilled me too.

When I thought I knew where to start, I opened the portfolio. The New York application fell out. I picked it up and read over the first page, which was just a form for basic information: name, address, emergency contact. I let my focus blur, the lines becoming swirls on a white background, and dreamed of what it would be like to go there over the summer.

Was I ready for New York? Is that what I really wanted?

I knew that's where I wanted to go after college.

Wouldn't it be better to do something different before then?

I did have a choice. I could delay going to New York - go somewhere and gain some experience and build up my portfolio. Sure Seoul Design Institute was smaller, but so were the classes. And if I was being upfront with myself - earning my own way would mean more to me than someone swooping in to pay all my bills. Maybe it would be a mistake to turn down the money, but it would be my mistake.

There was a knock on the front door, then the click of a turning lock.

"Hello?" Juhoon.

"Hey, I'm in here. Why are you knocking?"

He stepped inside, closing the door behind him.

"Didn't want to barge in."

"It's not barging in if you live here," I said, continuing with my project. He lingered in the entryway, silent for a moment.

"Well, uh... I actually found another place to stay."

I looked up. He still had his jacket on.

"Oh. When?" I asked, chewing on my thumbnail.

"Today. I just thought it might make things less confusing."

Less confusing for who? I wanted to ask, but held back, forcing myself to look at my work again. My concentration was blown. Juhoon walked over and surveyed the table.

"Feel like going for a ride?"

"I'm sort of in the middle of this."

"It won't take long. There's something I want to show you."

"Um... yeah, sure." I grabbed my jacket, turned off the lights, and followed him out to his car.

Our first stop was the bakery - the one with the good donuts. Five minutes later he returned with the telltale grease-stained white bag and drove to the park, down to the bottom by the river. I got out of the car, bracing myself against the wind coming off the water. It felt good to be outside. Like everything that had been bothering me would expand to fill the space. What could he possibly end up walking on the path by the water, but instead Juhoon sat on the hood of the car, fished out a donut, and took a bite. I leaned next to him. He held out the bag to me.

"Can I call this dinner?"

"Wouldn't be the first time I did that." He laughed.

We sat and ate as a boat sliced through the river. He put the bag on the hood of the car and swiped his hands clean.

"When I was a kid, and everyone was over there playing soccer or catch the flag," he said, motioning to the sports fields behind us, "I'd be over here watching those planes take off and land from Incheon airport. Watch, that one is going to turn, that's heading to Jeju Island." He pointed to the sky, my eyes followed.

"Lucky."

"And that one?" he said, pointing to a plan that was headed out over the skyline. "That's one going to Tokyo."

"How do you know?"

"Can see the Air Japan logo."

I laughed, took another bite. "Is this what you wanted to show me?"

"Seems like the kind of thing a father would tell his kid."

I got the sense that Juhoon was trying to have a moment with me, something significant, parental. Had he been coerced?

"Did eomma put you up to this?"

He turned sharply to me. "No. I know it's her late night; I was coming over to make dinner anyway, thought you might want some company."

"I've survived her late nights on my own for a long time."

"Sorry about that." He rustled open the bag and reached in for another donut. Multicolored sprinkles. He offered me the bag. I shook my head.

"You don't need to apologize. I don't need you to rescue me. I'm fine on my own."

"Rescue? The last thing you or your mother needs is rescuing. I just thought it would be nice to spend some time together."

I shifted away from him, kicked a pebble with my foot.

"If you wanted to spend time with me, why did you find another place to stay?"

He picked at the sprinkles on the donut before tossing it in a nearby trash bin. It hit the rim before falling in. He looked at me.

"Soo, I've changed my mind about the summer. I've got an offer in Manhattan. I'm going to take it."

I repeated this words in my head before asking the obvious.

"Does Eomma know?"

"Yes."

"So again, I'm the last to hear about something."

"It's not like that-"

"Then what's it like?"

He sighed, jamming his hands in his pockets and stepping away from the car. "I don't know how to do this. The father thing."

"You haven't even tried." My voice caught in my throat. The anger behind the words startled me. I think it startled him, too.

"Before... when you asked me why I knocked?"

"Yeah?"

"I know how to be that casual guy, the one who shows up and surprises my friend and her daughter with great meals, and gets to hang out and tell stories and come and go as he pleases. And for a little while I can pretend that there are actually people who look forward to being with me, people who matter."

"We do look forward to being with you. You do matter. Why leave now that you know you're part of the family?"

"That's just it. Now that I'm supposed to belong there, I don't feel like I do. You and your mother are this unit. You're a family already and I'm-"

"My father."

"But what is that, anyway? I haven't earned it."

I didn't know what to say to that, maybe because it was the truth.

"I'm not sure I can ever forgive her something this huge," I said. "I don't get why she didn't tell us sooner."

I zipped my jacket up to my chin, crossed my arms. It was getting a bit much having a heart-to-heart outside. I wanted to be home, putting my portfolio together. This father thing wasn't something that could be sorted out in a night over a couple of donuts.

"I was really angry at your mother, Suzy. You're right, it's a huge thing to keep from us, but after a while, when I stopped being so pissed off about it, I realized something. She's not vindictive. I have to believe it was hard for her, too. She didn't tell us because she genuinely thought it was the right thing. And the more I thought about it, remembered what I was like back then, I think she was right."

"How can you say that?"

"Hard to admit, but... I didn't want a family. I wanted to live overseas. fly jets in Europe and America, be unattached. I'd like to think if I'd known, I would have done the right by the both of you, but I can't be sure of that answer."

"But don't you... You love her, right? That's what she said to me, that you loved each other." I felt my birthday wish slipping through my fingers.

He looked straight up to the sky. A beat passed before he answered. "I'd always sort of hoped if I ended up with anyone, it would be her. And you. Maybe somehow, I knew all along. Remember that time in San Francisco? When we had dinner a the Italian place that served you wine and your mother took it away and I let you sneak sip?"

He remembered that too?

"Yea."

"When I paid the check the owner told me. I had a beautiful wife and daughter. You both had already gone outside. I was about to correct him, but I couldn't. I just thanked him and we left, and it felt nice. I'm thinking maybe that's why I want to go back, to be in the place where I felt the best about it."

"That was a great trip."

"I'm going to treat this job as a trial - maybe I'll hate flying tourists around and pointing out the sights. Maybe I'll love it. It's a huge change, but I'm ready for something on my own terms. I can keep my feet on the ground, stay in one place for a while."

"But, if you want to stay in one place, why can't it be here?"

He shifted, leaning back against the hood. "I think this is a lot to take in - becoming an instant family, something maybe we need a little time and space to get used to. I'm not saying it's going to be perfect, or that you won't get angry about it all over again, but we know the truth now. And that's all that really matters, isn't it?"

"I guess."

"Come on, I promised your mother I'd make her pasta and vodka sauce tonight. We can keep our dinner a secret."

I laughed. "Sure."

Back at the house, while Juhoon whipped up a meal for eomma, I pored over my work again, thinking about what he said - that we needed a little time and space to get used to the idea of us, as a family. I wasn't sure if I believed it - that space was the answer - but what choice did I have? I guessed it was a start.

There was a quote I remembered from my paper on Yoo Jaesoon: Space is the Breath of Art. I thought I understood it - the space thing - that it could be light or dark, positive or negative. It was a part of a work, though. Essential. Maybe space would help us shield a little light on what was important to us, too.

Juhoon poked his head into the dining room. "You sure you don't want any of this?"

"No, I'm good. Are you guys eating in here? Give me a minute to put this away."

"We can eat it in the kitchen when your mom gets home. Hey, how's the application for New York coming along? Did you send it in yet?"

"I'm rethinking New York for the summer."

He leaned back against the doorway, and folded his arms. "Rethinking?"

"Yeah, I'm not sure I want to be there yet, I think I'd like a little more experience first. I'm going to try for that scholarship to the Design Institute, like I planned. I mean, that's okay, right? I appreciate your offer - the money - but could I put that toward-"

"It's there for when you need it, Soo."

"Thanks."

I continued packing up my work. The sketch of Joohyuk was on the end of the table. I picked it up to put it away, taking a moment to look it over. My heart warmed. Had I let enough space come between us? Why was I afraid of opening up to him? Was it really easier to push him away? All at once I wanted to see him, to apologize for being so weird. I slipped the sketch into my portfolio and ran upstairs to grab Joohyuk's jacket.

"Juhoon, I'm headed out for a while, I've got my phone," I said, thundering down the stairs. I didn't wait to hear his reply.