Picture of my Heart

"Consider this a yoga-vention, you need to go." Stephanie tugged on my foot.

"You can't miss my first class," Yoona said.

They both flopped down the the foot of my bed while I put a pillow over my head and screamed into it. It was forty-five minutes before class started and I had no interest in finding inner peace, no matter how bad I needed it. I'd broken the cold-shoulder routine with eomma and begged her to let me take a mental-health say from school - from life, really. Playing the I-just-found-out-who-my-father-is-and-he's-leaving card might have been a bit dirty, but she'd agreed on the condition that I put my portfolio together and attended yoga class that night, since it would be her first time assisting and she needed the moral support.

I'd finished my portfolio, but I was waffling on the class, which had more to do with being in the vicinity of Soop than anything else. I sat up and pleaded my case again.

"I don't know myself anymore. Why would I angry-kiss Joohyuk and pick a fight? I can't be trusted to be within ten miles of the boy."

"Come on, Soo, you're going through an insane amount of stuff, you're allowed to act a little crazy. And angry-kissing is kind of hot. I'm sure he got over it," Yoona said.

"Is that Yoona or Anna speaking?" I asked.

She blushed. "I'll never tell."

I flopped back down onto my pillow and stared at the ceiling. They were breaking me down about yoga, but there was something else I hadn't told them - something that had me even more unsettled than my father leaving or the whole Joohyuk situation. After I'd put together my portfolio, I researched summer programs in the city. I'd been doing it for fun, on the off chance that there was something interesting.

The tuition was ridiculous and it involved transcripts and letters of recommendation and it was totally, totally insane, and I hadn't even bookmarked it or anything.

And yet I couldn't stop thinking about it.

That would be an experience. It wasn't much more than New York. And Juhoon had offered to pay for New York. I could do the father thing with him and eomma could live her yoga without me underfoot for a while. It could be a win-win situation all around. Maybe she could even come out and visit and we could fly home together. Could he handle living with me under the same roof for a month? Could eomma?

"So you got jealous, and had a pissed-off make-out sesh. You're human. And you both promised me celebratory coffees, so I'm holding you to that. Besides, you have to wish Joohyuk good luck, or break a leg, or whatever it is you say to someone before a battle," Stephanie said.

She stood up and rummaged through my dresser, pulling out my favorite pair of yoga pants - the ones with the daisies up the side that made me smile every time I was in a downward dog. She tossed them over to me and they landed on my head, one leg draped over my face. I grabbed them and playfully narrowed my eyes at her.

"If that's not enough to convince you, I saw on the calendar that Haein is focusing on inversions tonight. Which means his shirt will be flipping a lot. Which means a one-way ticket to abtopia."

"Does Jisoo know you lust after Haein?" Yoona asked.

"I don't lust after him. I'm just admiring the view."

"Yes, every time Stephanie catches a glimpse of Haein half- she thanks the universe for creating such perfection," I said. Maybe going to class to drool over Haein's abs would be a good start on the road back to normal. It wouldn't be the worst way to spend an hour.

"Right. As long as he doesn't assist me, I'm fine."

"Then she turns into a melting lust puppy."

"Wait - assist? He might touch me?" Yoona asked.

"Melting lust puppy is exaggerating," Stephanie said. "And Soo's mom is there tonight so only have a fifty-fifty shot of being assisted by Haein. No worries."

"The lust puppy thing sounds fun, though," Yoona said, smiling.

My mouth dropped open. "I'm liking this side of you, Yoonie."

"Okay, then are you in or not? We've got, like, fifteen minutes to get there for a decent at space," Stephanie said.

Showing up for eomma was the right thing to do - she wanted me there, and it would be an olive branch, a small step in the right direction, especially if I was going to run the study-in-New York idea by her. We couldn't turn back time to change her decision not to tell us, but Juhoon was right - eomma wasn't a vindictive person. I had to keep telling myself that; her choice not to tell us was not out of spite, even if I didn't fully understand it. I sat up and grabbed my yoga pants.

"All this talk of lust and abs, fine, you win. I'll be ready in ten."

Haein introduced eomma, and another student who would be assisting, at the beginning of class.

Eomma looked almost shy, hair back in a pony, standing to the side and giving us a modest wave before snapping into serious yogini mode. We started the class with a meditation. Haein's voice was practically an opiate.

"Take everything that's bothering you, all the dreck that makes you crazy, roll it together like a big ball of clay and put it to the side of your mat. I promise it will be there at the end of class and you can pick it up again, but for now, feel how much lighter you are without it."

The ball of dreck I collected was the size of Jupiter. Eomma, Juhoon, my new idea of a summer program in Seoul, Joohyuk... I put them all away for a moment and focused on me. Hearing Haein's calm, even voice made it all seem possible, to step away for a moment and just exist on my mat.

My hamstrings were so tight that I could barely touch the floor in forward fold. After a few rounds of sun salutation, my hands were wrapped around my toes. My breathing propelled me. I imagined I was slicing through the air during swan dive, focused on putting my forehead to my shins, enjoying how each move my body more open and relaxed.

"We're going to open up with trikonasana - if you need a block, raise your hand." Eomma distributed blocks to those who wanted them as Haein talked us through setting up our alignment.

I prepped for the pose - after five months, I didn't need to listen, could just feel what was right with my body. I reached out, tipping at my waist, placing my hand on my shin.

I felt warmth on my lower back. A hand.

"Your hip is tilting slightly forward, here." Eomma placed a firm hand on the point of my hip bone and gently nudged it back, causing a muscle I hadn't even known existed in my lower back to smart. I snapped to standing so fast, I nearly knocked us both over.

"What are you doing?"

She shook her head slightly, blinked. I hadn't meant it to sound so snotty. I'd been doing the pose for months without anyone adjusting me, why all of a sudden did she think I was doing something wrong?

"Your hips were out of alignment." She demonstrated the first part of the pose herself, showing me how to square my hips. Why was she calling me out? If she could so easily point out what was wrong with my pose, why couldn't she use that same focus to figure out where she went wrong in her own life?

Olive branch . . . olive branch . . .

"Sometimes when you reach too far, you compensate by rolling your hip forward, and your hips go out of whack." She demonstrated by overreaching and turning her body in such a way that her stuck out. The woman on the mat in front of mine stopped mid-pose and watched eomma. Yoona was suddenly behind me, observing too. The tips of my ears were on fire.

"I don't do that."

Eomma stood up, and held out her arms as if she were gathering me up.

"Try the pose again."

"Eomma, stop."

The woman in front of us resumed stretching. Eomma took a deep breath, eyes on me, looking like she wanted to say more. She nodded, though, and backed off. Yoona, ever the peacemaker, asked her a question about foot placement and the unpleasant moment passed.

Haein moved on to inversions.

"Inversions are challenging because most of us are afraid of going out of our comfort zone - and being upside down is about as out of your comfort zone as you can get when you're a biped. But reversing gravity's pull helps the body eliminate waste, improves circulation, and," Haein said, putting his hands on the floor and bringing his legs in the air in one nimble move that made the room go silent, "it's just kind of fun to see things from a different perspective."

His gray shirt flipped up, displaying his washboard perfection as he walked on his hands a few feet across the studio floor before landing on his feet again. I could practically hear the collective cougar-roar from the class, but I didn't peek over at Stephanie or back at Yoona to see their reactions. When it was time to partner off to practice headstand, I feigned a coughing fit and left the room.

"Suzy."

I turned to see Haein right behind me, pulling the door to the studio gently shut.

"Oh, hey."

"Are you okay?"

I coughed into my fist to continue the charade. "I have a tickle in my throat, wanted to get some water."

"I noticed you seem to be a little overwhelmed today."

"Nope."

"Because it's understandable to feel that way."

The last thing I wanted or needed was some catchall yogic wisdom, but I was curious. Did he know my situation? Eomma couldn't have possibly blabbed about our personal stuff to him, right? That would have been weird.

"What way?"

"It's hard to adjust, to see a person in a different light, but change is the only constant in life."

I wasn't sure if I was relieved to hear someone acknowledge my feelings or ticked off that eomma had shared what was going on with Juhoon. All I knew was that I was sick of hiding behind my angry face. Being pissed off at the world had become a real energy-. I didn't feel totally comfortable talking about it with a stranger, but if eomma had trusted Haein enough to tell him, maybe he could offer some objective insight.

"I am a little overwhelmed, actually."

"Yoga training can really shuffle a person's belief, kind of rock them to their core - so it's natural to maybe feel threatened by the changes  your mom is going though. When I started-"

He hadn't been talking about Juhoon at all.

"Wait, you think I'm threatened by my mom?"

His dark eyes went blank, lips pursed to the side. I'd never seen him look puzzled. It made him less mystical yogi, more human. "'Threaten' might be a strong word. I saw things got a little tense when she adjusted you."

I hadn't realized it was that obvious. "Oh, um, yeah."

"I know you started practicing together, so it's probably hard to see her as a teacher, and that's fine - I just wanted to make sure you know it's okay to feel that way. Your being here at all is great support for her." He stepped back toward the studio door. "I have to get back to class, see you in a few."

I nodded and watched him reenter the classroom, feeling slightly off balance again after I'd assumed he'd been talking about something different. My face felt hot, I needed a cool splash of water - something, anything, to reboot.

The bathroom was the same peaceful shade of sage green as the studio with a soundtrack of bubbling water and nature sounds playing softly in the background. I sat on a small bench along the wall, pushing down the sudden inexplicable urge to cry. What the hell was wrong with me? Was I really so infantile that I couldn't handle a simple correction in a yoga class? Had Haein been right? Did I really feel threatened by eomma?

I'd started taking the class as a fluke and I liked it, looked forward to it, even, but it was different for eomma. She was beyond that - it was more than a class for her. It was becoming a way of life of her - a way of life without me.

The realization hit me so sharply.

Was that why I was thinking of studying in South Korea? Was it less about living with Juhoon and more about leaving her because I could feel her leaving me? No, not totally - I did want to make my own way, separate from her, but I also wanted to know Juhoon better than just sporadic visits. Even though they weren't together, I could never separate Eomma and Juhoon. They were their own unique pair, connected by their shared history and now, me. I'd have to find a way for both of them to be in my life.

By the time I got back to the studio, the class was in final meditation. I didn't want to interrupt, so I waited in the reception area. There on the counter was the same kind of Buddha statue I'd accidentally knocked off our mantlepiece. The girl behind the desk was busy working on what looked like next month's class schedule. I cleared my throat.

"Excuse me, do you know where I can get a Buddha like this one?"

"This guy?" She picked up the statue. I anticipated some exotic locale, or Zen.com or something, but she looked on the bottom and smiled. "That home-accessories place on the back highway."

Sure enough, the sticker on the bottom was from the home store, and it was 12,000 won to boot.

"Thanks."

When the final meditation was through, I went back into the studio to collect my mat. Eomma came over to me. I spoke first.

"That was a great class. Nice adjusting."

She smiled. "Are you okay - you left, I thought-"

"Nope, just had a tickle in my throat," I said.

"Ready?" Stephanie and Yoona sidled up to us.

"How did you enjoy your first class?" eomma said to Yoona.

"Very relaxing. I'll be back."

"Great. Suzy, I'm assisting with the next class, too - you do have a ride home, right?" she asked.

"Jisoo's picking us up," Stephanie said.

"Yep, I guess I do," I said, rolling up my sticky mat. "See you later."

"Let's go, coffee's on me tonight," Stephanie  said.

"Why don't we get them from Quick Trip?" I asked, semi-dreading the apology I owed Joohyuk.

"You can't be serious, Soo."

"Only a little," I said.

The three of us left the studio and went next door to Soop. Joohyuk was behind the counter with Subin. At the sight of him my heart quickened - what did he think of me, after I'd practically attacked him in his car and just stomped off? I knew I had to face him sometime, and maybe a well-lit, noisy café would be a good buffer against my angst. I'd been emotionally fragile with him, there was no going back from that, and I had to deal with all the weird, jangled feelings that came from sharing so much of myself with someone.

I kept my eyes down as we inched up to the counter. How would he react to seeing me? Could I blame him if he didn't want to deal with me? I imagined the worst, but when I looked into his eyes, they were soft, inviting. He smiled at me from under the well-worn rim of is Soop hat.

"Hey," he said.

"Hi."

Stephanie spoke up. "Three white chocolate mochas, for here. Oh, and a black cofee for Jisoo. He's stopping by to pick us up."

"Ah, here - you're throwing me off my hame." SUbin put down the cups he'd been about to juggle and cast a side-long glance at Yoona. She smiled back at him. Their flirtation momentarily lightened my mood.

"You don't mind. We can hang out awhile, right?" she asked him.

"You can hang out as long as you want, Yoona," he said. "I don't know about those other two, though." Subin winked at us. Winked. They boy had grown a pair and developed some flirting skills. There was some hope for him after all.

Stephanie nudged me and smiled. "They'd kind of be cute together."

She handed Joohyuk the money and we found atbale near the window. Five minutes later he brought our drinks to us. He lingered for a moment, looked at me. My stomach hollowed out. I should have been the one to make the first move.

"Can we talk a minute?" he asked.

I slipped out of my seat and followed him to a narrow  hallway behind the counter. We leaned on opposite walls.

"About last night-"

"Jjwogi - I was totally out of line, I'm sorry. I believe what you said about Sungkyung. I do. I don't get like this normally. I like you. A lot. And... this-" I was sputtering. Uncomfortable. Joohyuk waited, a small smile crossing his face.

"Me too." He leaned down and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

"So you're not mad I attacked you, then basically  ran off?" I asked.

"Um, no - I hope we can do it again sometime, well, in a more private place, without the running off."

I laughed, feeling the heat rise in my cheeks. "That would be awesome."

"I was worried you were upset about that number in my pocket, you know, the napkin... I thought... you do know about that, right? The way you looked at it."

I briefly entertained the thought of lying. Not a good way to start, though.

"Yeah, I did, but I figured if it was still in your pocket, you probably didn't use it," I said, using Stephanie's wisdom to cover my jealous .

"Cool."

"Hey, Hyuk, I hate to break this up but-" Subin motioned with his head to the growing line.

"Be right there." He stood up straight, adjusted his hat.

"So, um, are you coming to the battle tomorrow night?"

"I wouldn't miss it," I said.

"Great," he said. "See you tomorrow."

We left the hallway and parted ways. I turned back.

"Hey, Jjwogi."

"Yeah?"

I ran back to him and kiss him on the lips. "Good luck."

He blinked and then the tips of his ears reddened. "Thanks."

Jisoo was sitting with Stephanie and Yoona when I returned. The three of them had goofy- grins on their faces as I sat down. I sipped my mocha and ignored them.

"Hey, do you have to go right home after this?" I asked them.

"I don't."

"Me either."

"Guess not," Jisoo answered. "What's up?"

"Think we could make a slight detour before heading home? There's something I need to get."

The following night, I took my time getting ready. I wanted to look special for Joohyuk... for me... because it felt good to be going somewhere with my friends and that my main concern was perfecting my gold glittery eye shadow and picking out a black tennis shirt and thigh-high boots for the evening. The finishing touch was the crop fitted Samsan shirt. Stephanie's dad was dropping us off at the university and I had fifteen minutes left to get ready. There was a knock on my bedroom door.

"Hey, Soo." Eomma walked in holding the Laughing Buddha statue I'd stopped by the store to get last night after class. She sat on the foot of my bed and smiled. "Noticed this on the mantel this morning. Thank you for replacing it, you didn't have to."

"Yes, I did. I'm sorry about that. I know I haven't been that supportive of you getting into yoga. What you're doing is incredible, Eomma. You're going to be an awesome instructor."

"You really think so? Sometimes, I wonder."

"It's a good fit for you. And you look cute in the yoga pants."

She laughed. "Where are you off to tonight?"

"Joohyuk's in the Battle over at Incheon University tonight. Going to cheer them on."

"Sounds fun, what time does that start?"

"Eight-ish? Not sure what time he goes on. Stephanie and Yoona will be here in less than fifteen."

"Oh... Juhoon is coming by tonight. He's leaving tomorrow, you know that, right?"

I stopped mid-swirl of blush application and looked at her.

"Wait, what? He said he found a new place."

"Yes, at a hotel near the airport."

Anger I thought had subsided bubbled up again.

"He didn't mention he was leaving, like, now."

Eomma shook her head. "It doesn't surprise me. I had to bribe him with his favorite pizza and a bottle of his favorite whiskey to even stop by tonight; he's not one for goodbyes. He doesn't really consider this goodbye, though."

"But it is, isn't it?"

I thought about my tentative plan to apply to summer architecture programs in New York. What was the use now? If he hadn't even wanted to say goodbye, why would he want me to live with him for a few weeks?

"Eomma, I'll try to get back, but I need to see Joohyuk. It's important to me."

"Well, maybe he'll still be here when you get home."

"I doubt it." 

Eomma stood up and put a hand on my shoulder. "Suzy, it's a lot to take in. We won't figure this out all at once. I told you before - this is happy news to Juhoon. Very. Don't forget."

"So happy he's pretty much running away."

"Well - you know, sometimes it's hard to change."

"Maybe he should start taking yoga, so he can live his truth."

"I'll have to tell him you said that."