Love Letter

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I'm stuck between coding a software or producing a song. . . you guys might be confused (cause I am too, I'm writing without a plot line in mind; just typing as I go).

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✿ Secrets of Attraction ✿

"Joohyuk's not even a girl, and he gets to dye his hair, not fair."

The debate had been going on since I came home on Wednesday night from Suzy's. Josie pouted, looking from eomeoni to me. Tax season was never a time to negotiate with eomeoni, her last nerve always on the verge of being fried. I tried to communicate this with narrowed Cut the crap eyes to Josie, but she ignored me. Joon had finally gotten used to me new look, but still eyed me while nibbling on his pancake, as if he were waiting for something else to change. "Both boys and girls can dye their hair. If you want a streak, that's fine, but I'm done with this argument. You can't dye your hair pink like the girl on YouTube."

TKO, Eomeoni.

Josie grumbled. Abeoji changed the subject.

"You guys sounded pretty tight the other day. Are you ready for next week?"

Were we ready? We'd been practicing together six times a week, dividing our time between Lot 23 and the garage. We were sore, fingers bleeding, throats raspy, but the fifteen songs we had sounded good, all except the original - we were still fumbling through the sound, and the guys wanted to cut it. I swallowed a mouthful of maple-syrup-soaked pancake before answering.

"I think so, but you know, if you're gonna blow it, blow it big."

Abeoji laughed and looked at Eomeoni. "I have not heard that in years."

"You know it?" I asked.

"Jasper's motto? Yes," eomeoni said, cutting another piece of pancake for Joon. "He justified more than managing with that saying."

"What does it mean?"

"He had this voice instructor, real dramatic, old-school guy, and he used to say that. Cracked us up. We started using it for everything. But you know, he had a point. If you crash, own it. People will respect you more," abeoji said.

"I don't plan on crashing. We're cool." At least I sounded confident.

"Reminded me to call the sitter, yeobo."

The pancake hung from my chopstick as I stopped mid-bite, staring at eomeoni.

"You guys are coming to see us?"

"Of course, why?"

"I'm not a baby, I don't need a sitter," Josie said. "Why can't I go?"

"Hell no," I said.

Eomeoni frowned. "What did I tell you about that word at my table?"

"Joohyuk, we'll leave the foam fingers and poms poms at home, but as chief financiers and investors of Samsan, of course we're coming. We want to support you. So we can say we knew you when," Abeoji said.

I had certain expectations of 2STO and what the crowd would be like, and it didn't include my parents. But what if they were only people there?

"Sorry, I'm just nervous. What if no one shows up?"

"What if a ton of people show up and hate you?" Josie said, sticking out her tongue so quick that eomeoni didn't notice. I hadn't thought of that.

"Jitters are part of it. If you weren't nervous, you wouldn't be normal. And that stuff you're talking about? It'll all happen if you're in a band long enough. Those will be your road stories. See this?" Abeoji pointed to a scar that cut through his right eyebrow. "That's from a beer cap flung at me when we performed this dump in Gangseo."

"That awful place with the sawdust on the floor?" eomeoni said.

"Yeah, the regulars were not into the Pistols."

"Pissstul," Joon repeated.

"What a lovely word for him to learn."

The doorbell sounded.

"OPEN!" Joon yelled.

Josie popped up.

"Sit," eomeoni said as she got up. All of our attention followed her as we waited to see who it was. She pushed a button the the hallway monitor.

"It's Hyoseop," she said, reaching for the doorknob. Abeoji and I shared a puzzled look. My family knew my version of what had happened, that Sungkyung and Hyoseop were together, and they had lived through my phase as the soulless hermit from hell, but as far as I knew they'd never come face-to-face with Hyoseop since then. I wondered what eomeoni would say to him, and braced myself.

"Hyoseop, hey, come in out of the cold," eomeoni said, opening the door wide.

So much for solidarity.

He stepped inside, running his boots across the doormat before taking them off and pulling his hat off his head. He saw us at the table and hesitated a moment before coming over.

"Hey, Mr. Nam," he said, holding out his hand.

Abeoji stood up and shook his hand. "Hyoseop, long time, no see - how's the new team?"

Thunk. Abeoji always knew how to throw the awkward right into conversation. He sat down, smiling up at Hyoseop, appearing to be truly interested in what he had to say.

"Seopy," Joon said, slapping the little tray on his high chair. Hyoseop laughed at Joon. He and Hyoseop had this thing where they drummed on surfaces when he'd stay after rehearsal sometimes. I hadn't realized it made an impression on Joon. Only Josie ignored Hyoseop. She gave me a quick look and rolled her eyes. At least one of my family members saw him as a jerk.

"New team's alright," Hyoseop said, twisting his hat in his hands.

"Do you want something hot to drink, coffee or something?" eomeoni asked, poised to sit down.

"No, no thank you, just stopped by to see Hyukie."

"We can talk in the garage," I said, pushing away from the table. Hyoseop followed as I walked into the kitchen and put my plate in the sink. He had to be here for the software. Again. He said nothing as we walked through the laundry room into the garage.

I flipped the switch on, rubbed my hands together. Our equipment was set up for practice later that afternoon. I crossed my arms and looked at Hyoseop. He walked over to Jisoo's equipments, ran his finger across the keypad.

"How's he working out?" he asked, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"Good."

"Better than me?"

"Different."

He nodded, sniffled. "Eunwoo's such an asshat. He lost his nut when he found out you guys were doing the battle."

I smiled in spite of myself. "Good. What about you? Lose a nut?"

"Nah. Bring it," he said.

"But you want the software."

"Did you finish it?"

I nodded. He didn't need to know it at the moment.

"I was thinking, maybe we could both do it."

"At the battle?"

"No. Like, split it."

I wondered if I was in Hyoseop's shoes if I'd be so eager to grovel at my feet. The truth was it could have easily been the other way around. I just happened to have the notebook we used to write it down. The software was okay. Nothing great. I knew I could easily code a better one, but not in a week. Not before 2STO. But I wasn't about to make it easy for him.

"What, like, in half?" I asked, smirking.

"I think you know what I mean."

"Why would I agree to that?"

"Because you're a decent person, Joohyuk. And you're gonna blow us anyway."

"Unless Eunwoo has a neighbor on the judges' panel again."

He laughed. "That's the only way. Come on."

"So you're asking me to give you an advantage?"

"No. I'm asking you to give us the friggin' fighting chance. We started writing it with the 2STO in mind, remember? Just, you know, you guys can use it there and we'll use it for the battle. Seems fair, don't you think, since we co-produce it?"

Since it was more like a 60/40 partnership in my favor, I didn't think it was fair, but I was sick of going on about it. And when I looked it over the last time, I realized something. We both were probably thinking about Sungkyung when we produced it. That software had a ton of baggage with it. If I thought I could come up with something new before next weekend, something we could practice that would sound as good as the rest of our songs, I'd attempt it. But between work and school and life, it wasn't going to happen.

"Fine. Sounds good."

He startled. "Really?"

"Yeah, why not? Are you coming to 2STO?"

"Oh, um, hadn't thought about it."

"Bull."

"All right, I don't know. Eunwoo said something about going . . . but it would be hard, Joohyuk. For me. You know?"

I hadn't thought about what it would mean for Hyoseop. He'd wanted to play out as much as I had. I should have felt bad for him, but I didn't. Too much had happened, but maybe we could be friends again. Maybe.

"It would be good to see you there, Hyoseop."

"Maybe."

"Cool."

"You might want to rethink the hair."

"Dude, I think we need to drop the pipe dream of the original for now," Subin said, wiping sweat from his forehead with his sleeve. We'd been practicing for  two hours and still couldn't get it right. I looked at Jisoo, who in the past week had become so lightning-fast and tight on the drums software, he'd far surpassed Hyoseop. We'd found or groove. Except for the original.

"Subin's right, Jjwogi. Definite weak spot in the set."

Subin stood up a little straighter with Jisoo's agreement.

I knew they were right, the software song wasn't coming together, but I wanted to kill it at 2STO. And playing an original would definitely kill it. I didn't want to let Jasper down, either. Not on our first time out. We still had a week before the show. Plenty of time to make it happen.

"I think we need to try," I said.

"Why not save it for now, brunette," Subin said. He'd been as merciless as I thought about my hair, karma for all the hat guff I gave him. "We've got until the battle to perfect it."

"Actually we don't," I admitted, looking between them. Just rip the ing Band-Aid. "I gave it to Hyoseop."

"What?"

"We agreed, we could use it for our show and they could use it for the battle."

"And who's we? Did he talk to you?" Subin looked at Jisoo, who shook his head.

"So just keep at it. We got this," I said, playing the first stretch in the song. Neither of them joined in.

"No, we don't," Subin said.

"What did you want me to do? I'm sick of him asking for it."

"How about grow a pair and tell him he can't have it. Didn't he code, like, three lines in it?"

"More than you did," I said.

Subin flinched, his face turning red. I regretted it instantly. The words cut him where it hurt. I was so sick of being hassled about the software song, though. I'd made the decision was sticking to it.

"That's it, then." Subin unplugged his laptop.

"Come on, Subin, I didn't mean -"

"Sure you did, man. It's always about you and Hyoseop. I'm just the idiot with the bass keyboard and the stupid hat." He opened his backpack and put his equipments in.

"You're overreacting."

"No I'm not, Joohyuk," he said. "I thought we were finally coming together and then you go and do something like this, without even running it by me or Jisoo. This is your team, isn't it? Who was the one who got the word out that we were looking for a new developer when you were too busy crying over Sungkyung? Who signed us up for the battle? Who found a deal on T-shirts? But why should I have a say in something so big?" He closed his backpack, zipping it up violently, then grabbed his coat.

"Subin, come on, dude, stay," Jisoo said.

He stopped a moment, looked at me, then back to Jisoo.

"I have to get out of here before I say something stupid."

He swung open the door and left, not even bothering to close it behind him.

Jisoo got up from his equipments and shut the door, folding his arms across his chest before walking to me.

"Guess that's it for today," he said.

In all our years of friendship, Subin and I had never as much as raised our voices to each other. He was the easy one, the go-with-the-flow guy. Not that we didn't have disagreements now and then, and he certainly knew when to kick my about something, but I'd never seen him react this way.

"What do you think?"

"I'm the new guy - what do I know?"

"You must have something to say."

He sighed. "He has a point."

I unplugged my laptop. "Really?"

"You could've run it by us first. Or at least Subin. Honest, Joohyuk, I can't stand the song. It doesn't fit in with the rest of the set, and you don't blend with it . . . It sounds like you're just going through the motions."

I was about to defend it, but then I realized Jisoo was right. I'd been holding on to the software song out of some sense of . . . what? Pride? Revenge? Sungkyung and Hyoseop together still hurt me, but it was really less about them and more about what a chump I felt like that it had happened right under my nose. The software had been the only leverage I had, the final  you both for doing this to me. But really? It was a card in a game I didn't even want to play anymore.

"So you don't think we need it?"

"No, but we need Subin. Maybe we should go get him. We could grab samgyeopsal or something. Chill. All work and no play . . ."

"Sounds good."

✿ Secrets of Attraction ✿

"Hey, y, get in the car!" Jisoo yelled. Subin kept walking, oblivious or out of spite, I wasn't sure. Then I realized he had headphones on. I beeped the horn. Jisoo popped out the overhead window and waved his arms. Bin finally stopped and scowled as he pulled out his  earbuds.

"Dude, get in, we're blocking traffic."

A horn beeped behind us. Subin stood still on the sidewalk. I finally had to pull into a bus stop at the corner. Jisoo got out of the car and walked over to him. He grabbed Bin's backpack and they both walked back. Jisoo slid into the backseat with the backpack, and Subin flopped up front. Still not looking at me, but at least he was in the car. A few cars went by until I was wable to pull out into traffic.

"Feel like getting some samgyeopsal?"

"No," he said.

"Come on, you're always up for something."

He shook his head. We drove a few blocks in silence.

"Maybe pizza," Bin finally said.

"Pizza Hut?"

"Anywhere but there," Jisoo chimed in from the back.

"Giovanni's, then?"

We finally agreed on something. Giovanni's was open 24/7 and it looked it. The place had a layer of grease over everything and the jukebox only had songs from the eighties, but it had the best damn pizza this side of town. We ordered at the counter and sat a table near the back. Subin ripped off the paper from the end of his straw, then blew the rest of it directly into my face for a bull's-eye hit.

"Okay, I deserve that. You're right, the song's not ready for 2STO. And I'm sorry I gave it to Hyoseop without asking - I should have run it by you."

"Why? I didn't do anything for it." Subin pulled the hat off his head and shoved it in his coat pocket.

"Bin-"

"No, look, I'm not saying I didn't want to punch you for saying that, but you're right. Sometimes I wonder why I'm even coding anymore - it's not like it's gonna get anywhere."

"Who says you need to go anywhere with it?" Jisoo asked.

"Why do it at all?"

The order-up bell rang.

"I'll get it." Jisoo went up to the counter and came back with the pizza. Subin's question still unanswered on the table.

"What if we next Saturday?" Subin pulled apart the paper plates and handed me one.

"Is that what this is about?" I asked.

"We're not gonna ," Jisoo said.

"How do you know?"

"Because we just worked our asses off for the past three weeks and I think we sound pretty damn good. Are we the next Big Bang? No, but who is? And what's the big deal if we stuck anyway? At least we're playing somewhere. You know why you've never heard of me before? My team couldn't even get out of the basement. So this? For me? I may as well be playing the Beacon. It's gonna be fine." Jisoo wolfed half his slice, and looked from me to Subin, waiting for a reaction.

"If we're gonna blow it, blow it big," I said.

Subin laughed. "What?"

"Something I saw in Jasper's office - you, know, just go for it and if it , so be it."

"Exactly - you know, when I auditioned for you guys I had no clue if I could handle this. Sometimes you just have to throw yourself into something. I didn't worry about why you would or wouldn't pick me."

"That light blue shirt did not help," I said.

"My pastel blue that brightens my smile? What's not to like?"

"Just don't wear it Saturday." I laughed as I bit into my pizza.

"If we're really confessing - he picked you because you know Suzy."

"Bin."

Jisoo cocked an eyebrow. "Really?"

"No," I said, taking a sip of soda. "Okay, maybe. Did you  see the logo she designed?"

"You were my first choice," Subin said.

"Who was my competition?"

"No one, we're just messing with you," I said.

"Some dude who coded an app that plays random shuffled songs."

"Damn, Park Jinyoung? I wouldn't have picked me," Jisoo said.

"He was a show-off," I said.

"And he didn't know Suzy," Subin added.

"Subin, quit it."

"Any girl you let make you look like that, you must have a for."

JIsoo had to cover his mouth when he laughed.

"I like it," I said.

"I've seen more styling merchkins, Joohyuk, come on."

"Says the dude with the ancient toboggan hat."

"What's with that, anyways?" Jisoo asked.

Subin shrugged. "My lucky hat. That's all."

"So, Suzy? She's cool. You should go for it," Jisoo said.

"We're just friends. I'm focusing on 2STO. After that we'll see."