Love Me Like You Used To

"Suzy, these photos are perfect." Bogum stood over our proposed CJ E&M layout, a rare grin across his face. "I love this one, it's such a standout."

He pointed at the photo of the balloons, the one with the word choice. I'd edit it so the word stood out, and the way the shot was angled, the balloons looked otherworldly in the background. I'd put in a mix of photos in the layout, some student candid shots, the band, and some more esoteric shots. I also snuck in the one of the me, Stephanie, and Yoona, hoping Bogum would be okay with it. He wasn't one of those "Let's make the yearbook photos about the yearbook staff" people.

"Thanks, I think so too."

"I thought these pages would be thrown away, but it's one of my favorite layouts in the book so far. This picture might be a bit much," he said, pointing at the one I'd been worried about. "But maybe I'll let it slide."

She moved on down to the next group of staffers. Stephanie was busy on her laptop, working on some copy for the page on the fall fundraising walk.

"Hey, I forgot to send you something." I attached the picture of her and Jisoo from the dance to an email and hit send. I'd cropped Joohyuk out of her photo but kept the original intact. Every so often I pulled it up and studied it, imagining what he's been witnessing when the photo was taken. I was dying to ask him about it, but the other night at the diner didn't really seem like the proper place. I'd noticed he wasn't wearing that infinity bracelet he used to wear - maybe that had something to do with it? My stomach still turned to jelly whenever I thought of our fingertips touching.

Stephanie gasped. "Soo, I love this picture. I didn't even realize you took it! I'm making it the wallpaper on my phone." Yoona peeked over at Stephanie's laptop and smiled.

"Yes, too bad I didn't have a camera the other night. You can see a lot through a camera, like things people don't want to tell you." Yoona glanced away when I said this, busying herself with more typing.

Steph and I had dished our versions of Saturday night via text all weekend and every day since, but Yoona had remained quiet throughout. And really, out of the three of us, she handsdown had to have the most different version of the night. The most she'd said was that she didn't want to talk about it. We were close to wearing her down, though.

"It can't be that bad," Stephanie whispered, leaning in.

Yoona chewed her bottom lip and moved closer to us, sliding her laptop along to create barrier, under the guise of doing work. She ducked behind it and spoke.

"Nothing happened, okay? That's the embarrassing thing."

"Why did Changwook just leave?" Stephanie asked.

"And were you really cool with it? That's what he told me outside," I said.

She pressed her lips together, maybe trying to keep the story in still, but finally relaxed. "Yes, I was cool with it. Everything was fine when he first got there. We held hands, talked - well, as much as you can talk over the music. He wasn't really into the band and then his friends wanted to leave. They were going to a party that some girls at the bar invited them to."

"He said he asked you to go. Did he?" I wished I could go back to that moment I'd watched Changwook leaving and stick out my foot to trip him.

"Yea, he said I could get a ride home with them, but I wanted to stay with you guys. When he left it was like a whole different night. I tried to make it up front, but the crowd was too much, and those girls from the bachelorette party kind of took me in."

"You should have texted me, I would have found you," Stephanie said.

"I don't know, it was fun being someone different, like, maybe I could be Anna Kris for a night. Anna did blue shots and danced on the bar and completely forgot about Changwook. You know, he's cute, we talk, and I really like him as a running buddy, but there's no . . . magic." When she said magic she brought her hands together and then slowly apart, wiggling her fingers a bit, in what I imagined was supposed to represent sparkly, magical love glitter.

"You watched Sleepless in Seattle again, didn't you?"

She laughed. "No. Haven't been romcom-ing it lately. I'm sick of pining for some meet-cute that probably won't happen but I don't know, isn't that how it should be, at least a little bit? That something you can't quite put your finger on? I feel like we're both just kind of forcing it, because he's a boy and I'm a girl and that's what we're supposed to do. No one has written the script about good friends, have they?

Stephanie and I both shrugged.

"Anyhow, after I did those blue shots, I started feeling dizzy, and ran into Subin and he walked with me outside for some air. It was cold, so I took his hat. Do you know that's his grandfather's hat? He was the one who got him into developing softwares."

Stephanie grinned. "Holy crap, you are totally crushing on Subin."

Yoona bit back a smile, her eyes darting between us. "No, not really."

"Yoonie, you're blushing."

"He makes me laugh. It was like, one question about his hat and he kind of cracked open into this whole other person. I'm not saying it was magic or anything, but I wasn't analyzing every move wondering if it meant something. It felt nice. Come on, you both know what I'm talking about. I saw you and Joohyuk holding hands, Soo, not sure why I'm under a microscope here."

"We weren't holding hands," I said. "Just . . . touching fingertips."

"Whatever it was, you guys looked into it," Stephanie said. "How cool would that be if we dated guys from the same group?"

"Decidedly not cool. What would happen if one of us broke up, then what? We couldn't hang out?" Yoona said.

"Ha! So you are thinking about it," I said.

"No, not really. I'm not saying I want to start anything with Subin, but it was a bit of a jolt, to see him in a different way. And now I'm meeting my platonic but run buddy to try to shave five seconds off my five-K," she said. "Wish me luck."

She packed up her laptop and gave us a small wave as she went out to her locker. I stared at Stephanie.

"Subin and Yoonie? You think?"

"That would be . . . interesting, but I'm more curious about what Joohyuk wants to do on your birthday. Did you find out yet?"

"No, he said not to worry, he's doing all the planning. What could that even be? Free americano for a year?"

Stephanie smiled.

"Do you know something?" I asked.

"Only that you really want to do more than touch fingertips with him."

Since Juhoon was flying a client to Pyeongyeong for the weekend and eomma was starting her RYT200 intensive teacher training, we skipped our Thursday yoga in order to celebrate my birthday early. I picked La Fête, our go-to special-occasion-casual-but-elegant place. We ordered our usual garlic bread and fried calamari with pepperoncini, which we dug into.

"Omo, this is so good, but I bet I'll still be tasting this on Saturday. Hope I don't reek for Joohyuk."

"Are you sure that's really the way you want to spend a good portion of your birthday - in a plane and car?"

"Eomma, for the tenth time, yes. I'm so ridiculously stoked for this."

When Joohyuk told me he'd make it up to me for singling me out at 2STO with "Happy Birthday," I expected at most a movie, cake, a free americano at Soop. Instead he'd asked me if I wanted to go to Jeju Water, the hopuse designed by Yoo Jaesoon.

Mind = blown.

The downside was that it was an hour flight and a two hour drive.

The upside was that we were spending the night at his aunt's house.

The downside was the number of phone calls it took to plan it all. Eomma and his mother, eomma and his aunt, the three of them at one point talking so long I thought for sure we'd be in on a vacation with them during the summer or spending national holidays together.

Of course, eomma had wanted to make sure that said aunt really existed and that Joohyuk and I wouldn't be spending the night in a motel. Then there were my calls to Stephanie and Yoona. What to wear? Was this too much? Should I really consider doing something so big with someone I'd only just started hanging out with? It was all slightly embarrassing, but completely worth it. For the first time in a long time, I was so flipping excited for my birthday, but I wasn't sure what it had to do more - seeing Yoo Jaesoon's work up close and personal or spending all that time alone with Joohyuk. Both, I supposed.

After my pre-birthday dinner, we stopped by the bakery for a small vanilla buttercream cake and then went back to the house.

"So what first, presents or cake?" Eomma set the cake down in the center of the dining room table.

"Presents? Today?"

"I guess we have an answer," Juhoon said. He disappeared into the living room and came back with a large, flat package tied with a blue ribbon. Eomma's smile stretched across her face as Juhoon handed me the present. I had to shove away from the table to make room for it. My heart raced as I untied the ribbon and ripped away the tissue player.

It was an art portfolio.

I ran my hand across the soft, smooth leather. My initials, SZ, inside a heart were stamped into the front. I'd been keeping my things in a binder with page protection; this was probably more extravagant than I needed at the moment, but it was perfect.

"Your mother and I picked it out, but if you really don't like it-"

"I love it," I whispered, opening it up and imagining how I would fill it. Slipped into the second page were a few papers that were stapled together.

An application to New York's summer program.

My throat tightened; the initial unease I felt when I spoke about being handed this sort of money danced in my gut. I'd talked myself into accepting Seoul Design Institute as my only option, that it was that I wanted, what I needed, that earning it was a noble thing. I still believed that, but this? The love I felt at that moment overwhelmed me, filled me up so much that my eyes itched with backed-up tears. They believed in me. They really wanted this for me.

Eomma cleared . "Soo, we know how you feel about this, but we really think, if this was your first choice, you should reconsider."

"Think of it as twenty years' worth of birthday presents; when you looked at it that way, it's really not that mu-"

"I'll do it," I said. "I'll apply, I'll go. I . . . Thank you." I placed the portfolio to the side and sprung up to give Juhoon an awkward, seated hug. He laughed and patted my arm, then I went over to Eomma.

"You won't regret it, sweetie, really, you'll see." I threw my arms around her, pressed my cheek against her. We rocked for a minute until she stepped back.

"And wait, there's more."

"More?"

"More" turned out to be a set of colored sketching pencils and a pair of boots I'd admired at the mall. I even allowed them to sing "Happy Birthday" to me, softly and without any additions like "a pinch to grow an inch" or a countdown to how many birthdays I was celebrating. It all felt somehow. The three of us there. A family - maybe with the seams showing, but still . . . together.

"Make a wish, Soo."

The candlelight made the shadows danced around the room.

The other part about birthdays I hated was the wishing. It's like my mind would go on overload, ever since I was little - what did I want? What did I really, really want?

I could never think of anything specific and I was afraid of asking for the wrong thing - like a genie story gone bad, where if you hadn't worded your wish correctly it would come out in some different way and burn you.

Wax dripped onto the perfect white buttercream frosting, while different wishes vied for approval.

A perfect weekend with Joohyuk.

An exciting summer going to New York.

Me, Stephanie, and Yoona becoming yearbook editors.

There was one wish - a whisper, really - that I wanted more than anything. It came on suddenly and surprised me in the sheer fact that it was corny as hell, a made-for-TV movie of a wish.

For that reason, I was sure it was doomed to fail.

But when I closed my eyes to make my wish, it's all that came to mind.

I whispered those words in my thoughts as I blew out the candles.

Let it always be like this night.