blank space
invisible string
-now you mail back my things and I walk home alone-
Dear Joohyun,
I write to you in prayers that you are happy now. I have seen this coming but I had never thought it would be so overwhelmingly painful. I know this pain in my chest is dust compared to the pain I've caused you. You must be feeling betrayed. After all, you had trusted me. What we had was a masterpiece in my eyes but I tore it apart with my own two hands. I'm an idiot for ruining everything. It is only right that you don't want to associate yourself with someone like me any further. I understand. And I also understand if you're not reading this letter, if you tear it in pieces and leave my words with the trash. I'll understand.
Perhaps this is only wishful thinking that you will forgive me. May I be brave for a second and ask for a reply? Only a single line saying that you are fine will be enough. Well, I know I have lost my rights and I don't deserve it. So I'll understand. If never forgiving me is what keeps you happy, then so be it, Joohyun.
Joohyun, I've proven to you now that I'm a terribly selfish person. When my mother started bringing her boyfriend to the house my father had made for us, I used to read your letters and distract myself from my miserable life by thinking about you. When she ran away, I took your advice and didn't chase her. I let her go. I wanted to be like you. Whatever would happen, I'd sit back and wonder how would Joohyun react to this situation. I wanted to bring everything under the sunshine, like you. I wanted to be optimistic. If I hadn't been the one who broke your heart, you would call it taking inspiration to live better. If I were Junmyeon and I was trying to live like you, you'd be so happy, Joohyun. In plain words, however, I must admit that I had used you to feel better.
Hate me, if that keeps you happy. You saved me and this is how I repay you, right? I know you'll think this way. I'm the bad person and I hope you'll forget me. I'm so sorry. If I weep for the rest of my life and your life, it will still not be enough. So I will accept your hatred. You are right to hate me. If hating me keeps you well, I'll give you more reasons. I only want you to be happy, Irene.
You must know that I owe you so much. As Joohyun, you have given me comfort, you've been my quiet retreat on scented papers. You came to me like the warm spring breeze after a long winter. I was just hanging there, surviving. In your letters, I had found a friend who had led an equally miserable life but unlike me, she was so cheerful and always hoped for the best. As Irene, you have given me incomparable joy. You've been the kindest despite knowing that I was just a nobody trying to survive a new city. You gave me all the thrills, I was happy with you. You are more than everyone. After breaking my own house with my own hands in my own land, in you, I had found my new home. I'll never forget you. You are one perfect human.
Perhaps that is why we didn't last, we ended in ice and tears and lies. I cried for you like I should. I never deserved you, Joohyun or Irene, I never deserved such a gem like you. You're free now from the house I made from lies. I hope and pray that you are happy now, Joohyun.
My words will never end. There is so much I want to tell you. But I don't know if you're reading. I feel extremely empty now that I have stripped myself of the rights to speak to you. I'm just writing anything. So I'll stop now. Take care, Gwendolyn Hortencia. Cut off everything from life that makes you unhappy. Thank you for reading. You'll do well now. I will keep your well-being in my prayers.
Sincerely Yours,
Sehun.
He walked with his new friends who had adopted him. There was Mark on his right, joking about Tessa's attempt to make her hair green. He wasn't in their conversation, it was hard to tell if they were fighting or flirting. He never liked taking sides anyway. It was difficult because all this time, he never had more than one friend. There was a strong urge to distract himself and delve into their exchange that might entertain him. But this city screamed her name, both her names. It was suffocating to the point that he retreated to silent observing. The letter throbbed in between the pages of his book in h
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