Seungwan’s POV

In an unknown dream, in a place where there's no one but us, I saw you running in front of me. Looking back at me occasionally to check up on me. Both of us were running in the green fields. Somewhere foreign and mysterious, yet it feels so safe because you’re there with me.

Opened my eyes, and I saw you lying next to me, resting your head on my shoulder. Asleep, under our usual hangout spot in your backyard. When I called for you to wake up, I saw your eyes flutter. Your hazel-like orbs made me feel like I saw a happy dream again. In my brain, I was thinking, what is this feeling? Why do I feel a thousand butterflies in my stomach? But I guess I was too young, or dense to notice it. But I knew deep down in my heart, I wanted this to happen. It’s fate.

Each day, you never fail to amaze me. Our lunch breaks are at different times. Yet, you always make the effort to hang out every day without fail with the three of us. When I get teased by the other two, you always backed me up and comfort me when things get too far. You never once shunned me when I told you my deepest insecurities. You were always there to help me. So, I promised myself to always be there whenever you needed help. To be your great protector.

I know I’m your favorite dongsaeng, and you’re my favorite unnie. Which made it really hard when my feelings escalated. From admiration of a big sister to liking more than friends. You really made it hard for me to tone it down whenever you cling on to me and interlocked our hands. We even bought matching items when we were out shopping. Am I being greedy? My one desire that wasn’t pure. I wanted you all to myself, to be clad in every item that we have together as proof.

But this is bad. My brain said it’s bad. I felt guilty for feeling this. You might feel disgusted by me if you know I feel this way towards you. After all, we have been together since we were kids, we’re practically siblings. Such an indecent feeling. I tried to push away my feelings by spending less time with you. Talking to other people rather than hanging out with you. We had fights sometimes, but I would always apologize first. Blame me and my soft heart. I couldn’t bear it whenever we were apart. I definitely couldn’t bear it when I realize you were mad because of me. I didn’t want our current relationship to falter.

That day when all of you were asking about my crush, I had a mental breakdown. I didn’t want anyone to know about it. I wanted to take it to my grave. But I guess I was being too obvious that Sooyoung broke through my mask. When you asked me again on our walk back home, I decided to tell you. After all, I couldn’t say no to you. I know I can trust you with all my secrets. It wasn’t that hard to describe her, ultimately, I was looking at you when I outlined her. Your crystal-like eyes under the moonlight. Eyes that reflect the ocean. It’s not a lie when you look too deep inside, you’ll fall even harder. There’s always this maze that traps me in my feelings for you. But it’s also you that makes me see a whole new world, it made me walk towards the shining light that is you, out from the maze.

The days of attending school with you are limited. I wanted to use the best ways to profess my feelings to you. I tried to ask you, after all, your opinions do matter to me. But you didn’t seem to want to answer me. Maybe I’m being rash about this. Am I too pushy? She might not like this. I wrote a letter to you so that I can tell you how I feel at the end of my performance. Purple, your favorite and iconic color. I wrote it in a purple letter so that you won’t throw it away. Perks to being your best friend and childhood friend, I knew your locker combination. I tried to put the letter in a place that’s obvious for you to see. As I opened your locker, another letter fell out. It was pink. I frowned looking at it. This guy had the same idea as me. I saw you from afar walking in