Pain.

That’s all she felt for the rest of the month.

Even as she desperately clung onto Mr. Lion. Even as she sobbed into the handkerchief. Even as she clawed at her sternum in a vain attempt to free her heart.  There was no relief. 

Hyejin was gone. And all that was left was the searing heat in her heart as it raged against reality.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

No matter what her parents did, nothing could bring her out of her despair. Yong coaxed her as much as she could but Wheein was unresponsive. Byul talked to her like before but Wheein’s responses were short and abrupt. Her heart wasn’t in it anymore.

As much as they wanted to tell their daughter it gets better, they can’t lie. They knew how important Hyejin was to Wheein. They knew that Wheein thought that they were going to be forever. They hoped that their daughter’s belief would be true in order to spare Wheein the pain of heartbreak. 

But, they also knew this was inevitable. 

They knew, firsthand, that no relationship was perfect. That there would come a time where no amount of love could hold them together. And as much as they wanted to give all the advice in the world to their daughter, they both know that it would be null. That it would just fall onto deaf ears.

Wheein’s experience and relationship with Hyejin was so vastly different from theirs that their advice is outdated. That the only advice they could offer was taking it one day at a time. 

And during those days, they would be there for her. Whether it was to be a shoulder to cry on, or to be silent listeners. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Even as school started, the ache wouldn’t go away. 

The apartment felt empty, lifeless, and cold that Wheein couldn’t bear to be in it. But a contract was a contract. So, she had to live in the very place that held so many memories with Hyejin. Memories that haunted her every night and every day. 

Her nightmares were relentless. But they were also the same. It started off with Hyejin coming back and they would reconcile. Time seems to blur and just as Wheein is about to give into the bliss, Hyejin would stop. Stop and sneer at Wheein in disgust. Even as she tried to open to ask what was wrong, nothing came out. She could only gasp when she began to suffocate as Hyejin walked out. And as the door was closing behind her, Wheein clearly saw Sujeong waiting for Hyejin on the other side. 

Staying awake in the apartment brought pain.

Sleeping in the apartment brought sorrow. 

Being away from the apartment brought despair.

Being in the apartment brought memories

Everything and anything would remind her of Hyejin. Try as she might to hold it in, she was human. The flowers that decorate the place were loud cries of how much Hyejin had affected her life. How much Hyejin truly meant to her. How much of her future she put on Hyejin without verbalising it. 

“Maybe now you can branch out a little,” So-Yoon said as she sipped on the water bottle.

She doesn’t know how, but So-Yoon has been around her more since Hyejin left. Maybe because she’s desperate and just wants attention from someone else. Just something to patch the void in her heart, no matter how brief and superficial it may be.

“Hm?” As per usual, Wheein wasn’t paying attention. Her gaze forever locked over the calm and crystal clear river. It’s state being the complete opposite of Wheein’s tormented heart. As the current flowed through the waters, Wheein’s heart raged in fury. As the water gently lapped against the stone stairs, Wheein’s heart cried in anguish. It made everything hurt. 

“Just like I said, you can branch out a little,” So-Yoon took another swig of water. 

“What do you mean?” Wheein half heartedly asked. On some level, she knew what So-Yoon meant, but she didn’t care to think it through herself. She didn’t care for anything right now. 

“You only really cared about Hyejin. It was like your world, your everything, revolved around Hyejin. I mean, look at your art!” So-Yoon gestured to the sketchbook that Wheein carries everywhere. 

“Hm,” Wheein grunted but she did spare a glance at So-Yoon.

So-Yoon meant well, Wheein is sure of it. But how can she ever verbalise how much Hyejin means to her. Of course Hyejin would be her world. Her world without Hyejin was just a poor excuse of existence. She knew the world was full of vibrant colours and yet all she could see was grey. She knew that flowers were vibrant, but now all she could see was them dying before her eyes. Hyejin was, and is, her world. But she has her own identity too. How come So-Yoon couldn’t see that? The only reason why Hyejin is her world is because Wheein wanted it. She wanted Hyejin to be her world and thus made it a reality. She’s not the best version of herself when Hyejin isn’t around to make it worth it. Sure, anyone could argue that being the best version of yourself isn’t dependent on anyone else but that’s a lie, isn’t it? Anything that anyone does, in some way shape or form, is for someone else. People just sell themselves little lies that they're just doing it for just themselves in order to feel better and superior. 

“Hey, Wheein--” So-Yoon tried to prevent Wheein from noticing but it was too late. 

Wheein has the sense of where Hyejin is and no matter how hard So-Yoon tries, she just can’t compete.

“Hyejin-ah….” Wheein began to curl in on herself in a pathetic attempt to hide as her heart strained against it’s cage. Pain was everywhere.

Hyejin’s bright laughter floated all around her and reached Wheein’s ears with ease. Walking by the river, she was surrounded by a group of people. One was Ji Yeon and another was Sujeong. The rest were nobodies. Probably just other classmates. And as she laughed, they all laughed. A joke was clearly shared between them all.

A joke that Wheein is unaware of. A joke shared as she could only look in. No longer will Hyejin be coming to her, barging in with a blur, to tell her about the day and all the funny stuff that happened. No longer will Hyejin randomly text her about a joke. 

No longer will Hyejin come running into her arms.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just as it seemed like she was getting better, just as it seemed like she was finally recovering, the seasons changed. Spring flourished and it reminded Wheein how alone she is. The warmth of the spring sun felt distant. The vibrant flora that sprung to life from their slumber meant nothing to her. 

Everything meant nothing to her if she didn't have the one she loves to experience it with.

“Hey, Wheein, wanna go to the new cafe that just opened this friday?” So-Yoon asked as she fidgeted in place. 

“Hm? Oh, yea sure,” Wheein replied. Not noticing the relief on So-Yoon’s face nor the broad smile. 

“Cool. I can pick you up around 6?” So-Yoon asked while taking out her phone to set a reminder. All with a confident smile.

“Sure,” Wheein gazed over the balcony and into the patio below. 

She met with So-Yoon for lunch on this bright day after she was done with classes. And even as the sun beamed and the student body buzzed with energy, she felt the opposite. Spring is Hyejin’s season. Everything that came with spring was Hyejin. Spring is tender and loving. Spring is powerful yet forgiving. Spring is---

“I can’t believe you had that guy in your group last semester! Man, how did you survive, Hyejin??” A boisterous someone asked.

Hyejin’s chuckle made Wheein’s heart flutter in familiarity and desperation. How she wanted to hear it again and again and again. A chuckle that always brightened her day, even a little bit. A chuckle that easily calmed her nerves. A chuckle that brought nothing but lavish sorrow in her heart as it wept in the tomb called a rib cage. 

“He really wasn’t contributing anything so we kept moving on without him. Don’t get me wrong, we did our best in trying to involve the guy but nothin’! Eventually he did make it to one” Hyejin raised a finger dramatically before continuing, “Meeting and he used it to make a dramatic speech on how we don’t appreciate him, yada, yada.”

Hyejin rolled her eyes at the memory as the other people around her scoffed at such foolery.

“In the end, he left our group and somehow found another group to take him in,” Hyejin shrugged as she took a sip of her drink.

Wheein could only stare as she saw how Hyejin had an arm draped across Sujeong’s shoulders. She knew that Hyejin can be affectionate with friends to the point of other people misunderstanding but this left a sour taste. Seeing Sujeong comfortably nestled by Hyejin’s side like she was always meant to be there brought a mix of emotions. A mix between pain, anguish, acceptance, and denial.

Hearing So-Yoon get up to throw away the trash, Wheein began to gather her things. But as she began to lean over to pick up her bags, she caught Sujeong’s gaze. A gaze so piercing that Wheein couldn’t help but feel guilty. And as Wheein stared back, she saw Sujeong do something that stabbed her heart.

She saw Sujeong smirk before nestling herself closer into Hyejin’s side and planted a kiss on Hyejin’s cheek. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So, what do you think?” So-Yoon asked from across the table. A nervous smile on her lips as she couldn’t gauge Wheein’s reaction.

“It’s nice,” Wheein answered as she looked around some more.

The place was obviously an old house that has been refurbished to be a cafe. There were four main areas of this place. The main room to order drinks and food and lounge around a bit as you wait for your order. There was even a fireplace that had old leather chairs placed next to it with board games stacked on the brick. The next area was the so-called study room. Basically more lounge space for students to relax, drink their coffee or tea, and study. Next was the room behind the main. It was the impromptu art gallery where local artists can display their work and sell them. There was also a small stage for local bands to do gigs. Then the final area. The landscaped courtyard where people and their dogs could mill about. All in all, it was a standard college town cafe flare. 

“Maybe this can be the new hangout when you don’t want to be stuck in your apartment all day,” So-Yoon mused as she took a sip of her coffee. 

“Maybe,” Wheein stirred her tea and watched it swirl. This was a nice place, but something was missing. No, someone was missing.

“Hey, Wheein, I’ve been meaning to ask you,” So-Yoon said as she adjusted herself in the iron chair of the landscaped courtyard.

“Hm?” Wheein finally noticed So-Yoon. She saw how nice So-Yoon looked today. In a way So-Yoon reminded her of Hyejin. More of a poor copy of Hyejin.

“Why don’t you get rid of those plants? You can’t move on if you always have reminders of her,” So-Yoon gently placed a hand over Wheein’s. 

“I can’t.” Came Wheein’s immediate reply.

“Why not? Or maybe, make a project out of them? An elaborate project of pressed flowers,” So-Yoon gently rubbed her thumb across the back of Wheein’s hand. A sign that she meant no ill will. 

Wheein bit her tongue. How could So-Yoon be so dense? She can’t do that to the flowers. Sure, Hyejin gave her those flowers but that doesn’t mean that she kept them just because they came from Hyejin. Those flowers are alive. 

“That would be killing them,” Wheein removed her hand from So-Yoon’s.

“Wheein, maybe that’s what you need in order to move on,” So-Yoon said with concern layered in her voice.

“Why are you hellbent on me moving on?” Wheein only had enough energy to glare.

“Because it’s not good for you to stay hung up on someone who willingly broke up with you! Wheein, I know you spent the last four years together, but it’s been months and you’re still acting like it happened yesterday!” So-Yoon kept her tone in check less she garnered the attention of the other patrons. 

“How could I not?! Like you said, we were together for four years. How could anyone easily get over that??” Wheein exasperated. 

“By taking steps!” So-Yoon hissed. Still careful not to cause a scene. 

“What steps?? Is there a step by step guide in getting over the love of your life breaking up with you?” 

“How do you know she was the love of your life? You’ve only been one relationship and it was her! You know that’s not a big enough data pool to make any bold claims.”

Wheein gritted her teeth. So-Yoon asked the same question that she has asked herself over and over again. How does she know that Hyejin is the only one she’ll ever love? Even Hyejin suggested that there were probably others that she could love more. So, how did she know?

“I want to go home,” Wheein pushed the untouched tea in front of her.

“Wheein, I--”

“I want to go home, So-Yoon. Please,” Wheein glanced at the now deflated So-Yoon.

“I---Alright, let’s go.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The ride was a short five minutes but felt like ten hours. Wheein just stared ahead as So-Yoon silently drove back to the apartment.

So-Yoon barely parked the car before Wheein already got out and started to walk away. 

“Wa--Wheein!” So-Yoon scrambled to get out of the car to catch up. 

Wheein kept walking away as if she didn’t hear. She just wanted to go back to the apartment and lay in bed so she can think about nothing. Maybe she won’t cry herself to sleep this time.

“Wheein!!” So-Yoon finally got out of the car and began to catch up. 

“What?” Wheein grunted. Too tired to do anything else she stopped.

“I’m sorry….” So-Yoon turned sheepish for once, “I shouldn’t push you….”

Wheein could only sigh, “It’s fine. You were just….worried.”

Wheein pressed the elevator button.

“I am worried about you. A beautiful angel such as yourself deserves to be happy,” So-Yoon whispered as she laid a gentle hand on Wheein’s arm. 

So-Yoon’s touch revolted her. It’s not like she didn’t want to be touched. It’s just that So-Yoon’s touch felt wrong. But instead of moving away, Wheein remained where she was. Forcing herself to bear it in a pathetic attempt to acclimate. It’s not like Hyejin is going to be touching her soon. 

The elevator door rang and finally opened. Wheein, without a second glance, began to get in.

“Wait, I need to let you know how I feel.”

Wheein furrowed her brows and actually looked at So-Yoon. A curious gaze met her as So-Yoon stood tall and gently pulled Wheein in. The sudden lurched forward startled Wheein enough to where she didn’t register what was happening.

So-Yoon was kissing her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Revulsion. 

Disgust.

Horror.

Those were the only things she felt as she ran towards the apartment and straight into the bathroom to clean . Even when the water started to burn, she didn’t stop. Once she was satisfied that she got So-Yoon off of her, she the shower. 

Carefully gathering her things, her mind was in a fog. Questioning things over and over again. Repeating the same cycle over and over as her body was on autopilot. Eventually, the burning water is what finally brought her back to reality.

A harsh reality.

As much as she tried to keep it in. As much as she tried to reason with herself that maybe she should give So-Yoon a chance, there was just one problem. Everything felt wrong with So-Yoon. 

So-Yoon’s touch felt alien to her. Like a stranger.  While Wheein thought it was just her not used to anyone else touching her, it was the kiss that finally made her realise why Hyejin is the only one she will ever love. So-Yoon’s kiss was wrong. It may have been the textbook example of sweet, gentle, and caring but it felt wrong. Even the thought of giving So-Yoon a chance felt wrong. Like she was cheating on Hyejin. 

Wheein’s tears intermingled with the scalding water as realisation dawned on her.

No one else’s touch or kiss could ever compare to Hyejin’s. Nor could they ever bring the same feeling like Hyejin did. No one could compare to Hyejin.

A painful sob escaped from her as she clutched at her chest again. Her heart begged for freedom as it wailed. Her mind told her to remain in control but the strength of her heart’s cries was too great. Her legs wobbled and she leaned against the shower wall. Everything began to hurt and she knew that there would be no relief, no matter how hard she tries. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She doesn’t know how, but So-Yoon was understanding. Or maybe So-Yoon was just saying she understood so as to not cause more stress. In either case, Wheein didn’t care anymore.

All she cared about was finally going home for the summer. 

As much as she dreaded going back to the gym, she saw that Hyejin was nowhere to be found. But she learned where Hyejin was as her mom gathered her students around to explain to them why the star student wasn’t there. 

“So, Hyejin may not be with us this summer,” Yong paused as she heard the crowd murmur, “She’ll be in Spain as she studies abroad, so, you know what this means?”

The crowd whispered amongst themselves for a moment but froze once they saw a smirk on Yong’s face.

“We’re going to train harder! And surprise her when she gets back!” Yong beamed.

It was quiet for a bit. The crowd digesting what Yong said and thinking about what it means for them. But, it wasn’t long before Yong’s energy transferred over to them. With a loud cry of camaraderie, the students became excited at the challenge at being able to increase their skills far enough to challenge the star student.

And as the crowd buzzed with excitement, Wheein’s heart squeezed as she blinked away her tears. It was clear as day. As obvious as it could be.

Hyejin was moving on with her life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There were only three weeks left before the fall semester started and Wheein never felt better. Being at home longer was just the relaxation she needed. Especially since Ggomo became more affectionate. 

The lazy rays of the sun pierced through the windows and Wheein groaned. Looking at the clock that proudly displayed 7:43am Wheein grumbled. Not even a second later, her phone alarm rang. 

“Ugh, Ggomo, why didn’t you remind me to turn off the alarm? This is supposed to be sleep in Sunday!” Wheein told the glaring Ggomo.

With a huff and a stretch, Wheein finally got up. After a couple of pops of her spine, she finally felt ready to face the day. No matter what the day may bring. 

Putting on her slippers, she scuffled her way to the kitchen. As she turned the corner to the lower verandah, she found her parents, both dressed, and seated on the couch. Both with heavy concern in their eyes. It was so odd seeing them in such a manner that Wheein stopped before announcing herself. 

Yong was leaning forward, with both elbows on her knees, as her hands covered as her brows furrowed together as she stared at the phone that was on the table. Byul looked just as pensive as she had her arms around Yong. As if steadying the both of them.

“Mo--” Wheein started.

Even though she barely uttered a sound, her parents heard her as both of them whipped their heads up in surprise. Surprise then their face morphed to something unreadable. Her mother opened to say something but the phone rang. It barely rang a second before Yong picked it up.

“Yes??” 

Wheein quietly made her way towards them. Worried about whatever was being said on the other side of the phone.

“Oh thank god,” Yong visibly relaxed as she placed a hand over Byul’s knee. But the conversation wasn’t over yet.

Yong’s mouth formed in a silent O as she listened intently.

“Oh, ok. So is it alright if we go over?” 

Yong nodded along as she rubbed Byul’s knee for comfort.

“Mmhmm. We will be over early this afternoon to give you a break, alright? Yes,” Yong nodded along again, “We know. Do you need us to pick anything up or…?? No? Alright, then we’ll see you at one. Take care.”

Yong hung up the phone with a relieved sigh as Byul rubbed her shoulders. 

“Is everything ok?” Wheein tentatively asked as she finally reached the foot of the table. 

Taking a moment to glance at each other, Byul was the one to answer.

“A car crashed into Ms. Manju’s shop. Both her and Hyejin are in the hospital.”