I looked at my reflection in the mirror and took a deep breath. In my head, I was decent enough to meet Jongin. My eyes have already foregone their redness from hours before and I had my makeup done almost perfectly. I even put on a black puffed-sleeve dress I just received as a gift from Blanc & Eclare. I knew this was the right thing to do. I knew it was Jongin who can give me the peace I so want.

Quickly I took my purse bag and headed for my car. I was hell-bent on my decision. I was going to meet Jongin as planned. This is the right thing, I repeated in my head relentlessly as I drove past the streetlights. This is what’s supposed to happen. With Jongin it wouldn’t be complicated. Sehun can go off, Sehun can—

Suddenly, Sehun’s face flashed in my head so vividly. It was the scene of us in his car, after I finished singing for him on his birthday. It was the same look he gave me earlier. I realized it then. When I thought he was looking at me rather differently and he waived it off by saying he remembered something from his childhood, it’s the exact same gaze…

Abruptly and rather dangerously, I swerved my car to the side of the national road and switched on the hazard lights. So many cars honked at me angrily but I couldn’t care less. Instead, I put my head down on the steering wheel and let all the noise around me disappear. I slapped the heel of my hand on the wheel as I felt my heart crying from all the frustration and the ache. 

I just can’t believe how suffocating this is. I can’t believe how kind and honest Jongin is to me, how nicely and genuinely he treats me, and yet I can’t even be that mentally strong to lie to my own self. How can I betray him like this? How can I just throw away everything that I felt like I’ve achieved in the past weeks just because Sehun let his feelings out to me? Why can’t I just replace Sehun when he has given me enough heartaches to last me a lifetime? Why can’t I forget how much I love him…

I let myself enjoy a few moments of peace, a few chances to calm my breathing, before taking out my phone. It wasn’t hard to get in contact with him, because I just needed to call his club’s business number -- something that is readily available on the net. 

“Please connect me to Byun Baekhyun,” I stated to the person who picked up the phone. “Tell him it’s Han Youjin and that it’s urgent.”

Minutes later, the phone got disconnected, and an unknown cellphone number was trying to reach me. I answered it without hesitation.

“Did you suddenly realize how rude you were last time and want to apologize?” Baekhyun immediately asked. He had a playful tone in his voice, but I wasn’t in the mood to dillydally. At his end, I could just hear the party sounds being played from his club. 

“He asked me to go out with him,” I let out hastily then clarified, “Sehun did.”

“You see, I’m really not that interested in your lovelife—“

“What was that all about?” I interjected. I was desperate for answers. “Is this a joke you two concocted up?”

Baekhyun took a deep breath as if he’s a man exhausted from conversing with a kid. “Seriously?? What do you take me for?”

“Help me out here Baekhyun…” My voice suddenly came out as plea, eventhough I didn’t want him to know how much pain I was experiencing there in my car. “I really don’t know what to think anymore.”

“Look,” he said, and this time he sounded more serious, like he finally understood me. “I was only exaggerating when I said I know a lot about him. I’m sure you realize by now he doesn’t like to talk about himself.”

“I know…” I heaved a breath. Just what did I expect to get out of this conversation? Baekhyun and I aren’t even acquaintances, let alone friends.

“But there’s one thing I’m sure about,” Baekhyun said, after a short pause. “He was going to confess to you weeks ago. He was so sure of it. I don’t know why he would reject you, as you said. That’s the complete opposite of what he told me. And for the record, it’s bull he wanted to just be friends with you since your the Voice Teens days. He had an annoying crush on you. I remember being so fed up with it I stopped hanging out with him when we were a lot younger. But that’s about it. I don’t know anything more.”

“That’s enough…” I told him, as I walked down the memory lane of my friendship with Sehun in my head. How can Sehun hide so many things from me? Is that even possible? How can any of this be true? I’ve always thought I knew him inside out. If there’s any person who can make an account of his existence, I’ve always thought it would be me. But now it’s coming out all wrong, and I just don’t know what to believe anymore. “Thank you.”

“I’m not saying this to you for your sake,” Baekhyun let out. “It’s just that idiot is frustrating me so much.”

“I know that.”

“Well, go to him, then.” Without waiting for my answer, Baekhyun ended the call.

When he did, the next thing I felt was the guilt as I typed my message to Jongin. I paused for a whole minute before pressing the send button to tell him that I’m sorry I couldn’t go, and that I’ll explain to him later. I felt like such an evil person as I wonder if I’m going to regret this decision the next morning. When Jongin didn’t respond immediately, I texted “sorry” once more, and immediately turned my car around. Then, I tried to call Sehun, but when he didn’t answer, I searched for Jihoon’s number and called that instead.

“Oh! noona!” I heard Jihoon exclaim in his cute, excited voice. I used to call Jihoon a lot when he first got his cellphone, but lately I haven’t exactly been very reachable.

“Jihoon, annyeong!” I said. “I’m sorry for calling you so late, but is your brother home?”

“No,” he said without so much of a thought. “Hyung doesn’t go home here anymore.”

“What?” I asked rather confusedly as I let a car drove past me.

“He doesn’t go home here anymore,” he repeated. “He lives in his own house now. Hyung doesn’t visit mom and Jihoon  a lot these days, I miss him. Can you tell him to go and come here sometime? He promised he would play football with me.”

“Of course, Hoonie,”” I said, noting how he adorably referred to himself in the third person.  I really love him too, just as how much I love his big brother. “Of course.”

I had to slow down even more while driving so I can scan my old chat messages with Sehun. It was a long time ago when he told me the address to his place. I’ve been there once when it was completely bare. I had no idea he already moved in. Just when did he decide to do that? Is it because of Da Yeon and the pictures she sent to him? I remember there were a lot of photos of Sehun coming out of his house, and even pictures of his mom and Jihoon. Did Sehun move out so she would leave his family alone??

I tried to remove the anger that began to boil in my chest at the thought of her, and instead focused on driving to the Gangnam area. I wanted to see him soon…no,  I needed to see him.

As if time just flew by, I found myself already in front of the huge gate of his house in this high-end neighborhood. The place was as secured as I remembered it. The brick walls were tall enough for anyone to see anything from the outside. I parked my car, and walked slowly to his digital door bell. I rang it up more than 5 times, before someone answered. It was definitely Sehun.

“Youjin?” his voice came out from the speaker. I knew this device must have a built-in camera.

“Will you let me in?” I asked, making sure my voice would not reflect the nervousness I felt then. “I just need to say something.”

There was a short pause, as if he was thinking about it. Suddenly, there was a digital click, and the gate suddenly unlocked.

“Thank you,” I said through the speaker.

I went back to my car and entered through the gate. I knew he had quite a parking space inside his lot from the last time we went together. After, I took my purse and walked the length to his front door. Just as I did, he opened the door rather slowly. I stared straight at his gray shirt, because I was too embarrassed to look him in the eye.

“Are you busy?” I softly asked. Suddenly, all the fearlessness I felt earlier in the car was nowhere to be found. Why didn’t I just wait until tomorrow?

No,” he responded shortly.

“Can we talk inside?”

Sehun moved slowly aside so I can go in. Once there, I had to scan the place because it was so different from last time. Everything was in order. The place was fully furnished and clean. The floor was marbled cream white, the ceiling lined up with carefully-picked bright white lights, that it had such a modern feel to it. I could feel Sehun observing my reaction from behind, so I tried to look and act indifferent. 

After we walked through that short glass-walled corridor from the front door to the main part of the house, I was immediately welcomed by a navy blue foam lounge sofa set. Then at the far end of the room, on a lower flooring, was a long rectangular glass dining table, situated immediately before an empty bar setting.

I stared at it before I realized he was already on his third soju bottle. My heart sank.

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