A/N: this is the chapter i'm MOST sure i will edit in the future. It's quite unfinished and unedited really, but I just want to update the fic now. :)))) 

“I don’t think I can ever sing Dear Name again,” I told Jongin.

“What’s that?” he asked, clearly not comprehending.

“It’s an IU-sunbaenim song,” I briefly explained. “And im just saying.”

“That’s cool,” he said nonchalantly, eventhough he didn’t know where I’m coming from. “You’re not obliged to sing a song you don’t like.”

I appreciated him. The best part of Jongin is he doesn’t pry too much, unless I decide to explain myself.

We were walking around DDP after having left the ice cream café. I was a bit calmer now, though I kept making sure we were not attracting attention. I thought it was good that Kai isn’t as tall and as sharp-looking like other celebrities. With Sehun, it’s impossible. He could just stand in overalls, hat and mask on, and there would be enough onlookers to figure out he’s there. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t really like to go out. He spends all his free time with his family or his close friends. Even with me.

I let out a deep breath. I really shouldn’t be thinking about him anymore.

“Do you wanna go there?” Jongin suddenly asked. “At the market.”

I hesitated. “Too many people,” I said. I know I must sound repetitive to Jongin already. “This is really not ideal, you know…”

“I know,” he said, giving me a smile. “I just thought you’d want to.”

“Why’s that?”

“You seem like you’ve never really gone out that much,” he pointed out. “That’s understandable since you’ve been a celebrity since what? 15?”

“14,” I corrected him.

“Right,” he said. “I’ve been in the spotlight for just over a year, and it really takes a toll. I think this is the most exposed I’ve ever been since.”

“And you have the audacity to not even wear a mask,” I teased.

Jongin shrugged. “I was in a rush to look for you.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” he said, suddenly pinning me with his gaze. “I figured you were desperate for someone to talk to if you had to ask where I am.”

“I didn’t mean to come off like that,” I muttered, quite embarrassed.

“You didn’t, it’s just the way my mind works,” Jongin smiled. “I tend to think a lot about what people say, and I act on what I think. I described the situation to you the way I processed it but I’m sure the others would not have realized.”

“Then…I guess I’m lucky to have you as a friend,” I let out. “You were right, I suppose. I was desperate.”

Jongin kept looking at the direction of the market. I suddenly had the urge to forget my better sense and just go with him.

“Sehun,” I began. My throat suddenly felt like there was something stuck there. “Sehun finally rejected me.” I let out a chuckle. “After all these years…he finally let me go.”

Jongin suddenly stopped walking, and looked at me. I halted too, and faced him completely. I fought the impulse to cry again. I knew Jongin wouldn’t like to be in the company of such a crybaby.

“Apparently he knew,” I took out a deep breath. “For quite some time. He just didn’t know how to say it to me. I guess he felt today is the day to just get on with it. He told me after the script reading.”

“Well,” Jongin said, suddenly messing his own hair. His eyebrows furrowed for a brief second. “He’s quite a jerk then, isn’t he?”

I didn’t respond. Jerk isn’t something I would say about Sehun. In fact I don’t think I can insult him or backstab him even after he broke my heart. It just didn’t feel quite right. It sure didn’t with Jongin, even when I know he just said that to side with me.

“Although I don’t think he rejected you to let you go,” Jongin continued. “He did it to keep you.”

I looked at Jongin with bewilderment. “That’s exactly what he said.”

“And you’ll forgive him,” Jongin went on. “Because that’s how you are.”

“It’s not like it’s his fault he doesn’t like me.”
“It doesn’t change the fact that you’re entitled to feel hurt.”

“I loved him,” I said out loud, and felt a pang just by saying it in the past tense.

“You’ll move on,” Jongin confidently said.

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because you deserve to be happy, Youjin,” Jongin stated. “I’ll make sure that happens.”

I stared at Jongin, wondering how he could put everything in simple terms. Does being a chaebol make him want to just live life with no complications?

“This is good for me actually,” he added when I stayed quiet. “Sehun’s competition after all.”

“So you’re saying you’re going to use this opportunity to what? Win me over?” I frowned at him a bit, although I didn’t mean it.

“Yeah,” then he flicked my head. It wasn’t painful. I still rubbed my forehead.

He smiled at me, then continued, “That’s exactly what I’m going to do.”

…………………………………………………………….

Sehun didn’t try to contact me. It’s something I’m not sure whether to feel grateful for or not. However, it at least allowed me to concentrate on other things, especially on my performance in the pilot episode of Korea’s Tinydesk. I invited Jongin if he wanted to come backstage since he said he’d be in the same building guesting for a talk show. Jongin said he’ll come if his schedule allows him to finish early.

I thought I was doing rather well until I finished the third song and saw an old couple in front clapping for me. All I’d performed so far were band versions of my previous pop songs. I didn’t expect the sad feeling to just wash over me then while I was in the center stage. It was totally unprofessional, but at the same time, I felt like I, too, was allowed to be a human being for once. I, too can be selfish and feel what I truly feel even on stage.

“I…” I began. “I originally planned to sing an unreleased song. It’s supposed to be included in my new album this October. But since this is such a beautiful night, I’d like to share this one song that I’ve been obsessed with lately.” I made up, I haven’t really listened to it in quite a while. It just came to my mind because of my newfound situation. The fans were looking at me expectedly.

“It’s a song by 1415 called Photographs,” I explained. “I really love this song and I think that more people should know about it. I hope you support the group, too. Uhm…I don’t think my band is prepared for the sudden change of plans—“ the crowd laughed. I turned around and bowed to apologize, “—so if I could just play the piano instead.”

The staff of the show immediately moved the piano to the middle and fixed the mic on top of it. I thanked them profusely for the inconvenience I caused, then I sat down. The lights slowly dimmed, while I placed my hands carefully on the keys. With one deep breath, I started playing.

I locked the door

And stayed in bed all day

It’ll get better if I sleep

I wish everything would just stop

How are you?

Those words won’t leave my head all day

In our photos

I’m just smiling, not knowing anything

Because of my damn pride

Only deep scars remain

Sorry, I don’t know why

I only knew myself back then

In the photographs in my hands

You’re just smiling

But you’re never coming back

You’re never coming back….

While I was singing the whole song, I couldn’t hear anything but the piano. I didn’t even notice when the drummer started backing up my performance. I was too engrossed in my own emotions – all the hurt, and the sadness I feel after being rejected by the person I’ve loved for years.

It was only when the song ended, that I remembered where I was. No one was clapping, nor moving. I thought I performed horribly. However, when the lights came back up, it was to see that so many people were crying, even the show staff. It was after that pause, when I stood up, that the clapping began. I bowed repeatedly, said my last piece, thanked everyone, and left the stage.

I know I should probably be happy that I had such a good response, but I felt like I was drowning then. My heart was heavy, I wanted to hide from the cameras and the staff who were hurrying behind me. I thought I couldn’t make it, but I reached the waiting room, and shut the door behind.

I had a brief view of Boyoung, Junho, my stylists and make-up artists, and knew that they were all waiting there. But I couldn’t care less. Instead I walked towards Jongin. He didn’t say a word, but he had such look of concern, in contrast to the others who probably wanted to congratulate me. When I reached him, I broke down.

The whole room was silent. Jongin didn’t say anything too. He just hugged me and let me cry.

…………………………….

“Your performance went viral,” Boyoung informed me. “Look, there’re so many good responses!’

“I don’t really like reading comments,” I told her, but of course, she already knew that.

“Just this once, Youjin,” Boyoung insisted, putting her iPad in front of my face.

Sighing, I took it out of her hands and scanned the comments:

“Ige myo ya, michyeotda…”

“You can hate her all you want, but she’s still a vocal queen!”

“Waaaaaaaayyyy better than the original!”

“I used to be her fan, but now I’m her air conditioner”

“How come she’s become so angelic and beautiful!!!????”

“I hope she releases an original record, I could play this all day!”

‘You guys weren’t there…it was amazing….i cried my eyes out. I love her so much.”

“Tiny desk: How many fans do you want to have by the end of the night? Han Youjin: YES.”

“I could marry her voice (but I guess Oh Sehun already did L)”

“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Han youjin + 1 instrument = ing end game.”

“HAN YOUJIN BEST GIRL”

“Life is too short to pretend you don’t like Han Youjin.”

“I cant believe she sang 3 happy songs before this...And I thought she was already perfect during her the voice teens days, which by the way, she should have won…!!!”

“Photographs is #1 on melon charts already,” Boyoung said, looking at me proudly. “You did great, Youjin.”

“I just sang it…” I told her, while handing her iPad back. “I didn’t want it to blow up.”

“Why…because of Sehun?” she asked softly.

“Yeah, he’d see…and he’d know it’s about him,” There was no point hiding it.

“So what? Let him assume,” Boyoung said with an edge in his voice. “That boy is never visiting any of your sets again as long as I’m with you.”

I smiled at her. “That’d be difficult since we’re on the same set.”

“Maybe we can still back out. Say you’re injured or something.”

“It’ll look petty,” I shook my head. “It’s okay, I can do it.”

“Youjin, I really didn’t want to say this, but in case you don’t know,” Boyoung sighed, then she came closer to me so that the others won’t hear. “You and Sehun can’t publicly break-up until the release of the movie. It’ll be a breach of contract.”

“I know,” I sighed. “I assumed as much.” It would damage the production team and the staff who all worked so hard to make this movie come true just because of our scandal. I tried to remove that problem from my head first and instead focused on Boyoung’s face, “But why…aren’t you asking me what happened between the two of us…”

Boyoung finally sat beside me. “Well, you already know I heard it…”

“So why aren’t you asking why we lied?”

“Because I don’t want to be in the position where I have to lie too to the CEO when he asks me to update about you at the end of the month.”

“You’re not going to tell him?”

“No, Youjin,” Boyoung said. “Not yet, at least. I know how much you want to release your album. I don’t want it to get delayed because of a boy. I know you’ve already paid a lot too because of your dating scandal.”

“Manager Boyoung…” I said, feeling suddenly warm that she’s not going to spill on me. I know all of my previous managers did.

“I spend more time with you than my own son,” she said. “I want you to be successful, Youjin, because you deserve it.”

…………………………………..

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