Jongin lied. Well, technically at least. He didn’t upload the picture he took of me in his instagram, but he did use that picture for the food truck he sent me on the first day of my movie set.

I kept staring at it, wondering how soon the investigative skills of our joined fandoms would learn that that picture was taken when Jongin and I were together on a late night at some salon where I had my hair cut. Sehun looked at the picture too, and I wondered what he thought of it. He was surprised to see that I had already cut my hair when I arrived on set, I’m sure it’s even more surprising to find out there’s already a picture of me with that hair, while wearing what I wore at Baram’s house last Saturday. It wouldn’t take any detective work for him to realize Kai and I were together then.

In any case, Sehun just looked at it briefly and moved on to the other food trucks. Maybe he doesn’t care at all and I’m just overthinking. Maybe my fans won’t even give a damn where that picture came from and how come Jongin had a copy of it. There was after all about 5 food trucks on the first day. 2 of them were Sehun’s, another 2 were mine, and the last 1 expressed joint support for the two of us sent by Baram and Chen. Seul Gi made the food truck solely for me because, as she phrased it, Sehun would receive enough support from his global fans. We expect more food trucks to arrive in the following days because the fandoms usually coordinate the schedules when they decide to send. 5 foodtrucks on the first day are already too much, but I guess they just want to make sure the production team would treat Sehun and I well.

As planned, the first two months of shooting would be all scenes of Sehun. This would enable Sehun to finish quickly and shoot his other movie. As Sehun’s scenes mostly include me, this means that I’m also tightly booked for the same period. Boyoung explained this works as well for me as it will for him, because then I’d have weeks after for my album cover shoots, recording and MV taking.

Compared to my previous acting jobs, I made sure to prepare as hard as I can for the first day of this shooting because the director clearly expressed he wanted to film all the heavy scenes first. This would set the tone of the movie, and would allow the production team to recast if needed. I didn’t want to get kicked out of this movie for bad acting so I made myself internalize Kang Soomin’s character.

The scene to be the real focus of the day was set to be taken before sunset at Soomin’s apartment building. But because we could not just waste the morning away, we first shot the scene where Sehun finds out I’m living alone. That didn’t require difficult acting, so the morning went as smoothly as planned. Then, Sehun had to take his alone-scenes supposedly of his character walking from the school to my apartment. After lunch, we were given all the time to summon our emotions for our heavy scene later. In the meantime, they filmed in the apartment the part where my movie-parents are fighting.

Sehun and I were so busy that we hardly talked to each other that morning apart from what was necessary for our takes. It was only when the afternoon came that we really sat next to each other to discuss how we were going to do the sunset scene involving my attempted suicide from the rooftop.

“So I’ll come in the frame as you’re going down from the rooftop edge,” Sehun explained what he wanted. “I guess I’ll barge in halfway, and then stop. We’ll look at each other, and then I’ll walk calmly to you from that point.”

“That sounds good,” I agreed, softly nodding my head. “I’ll speak the first line right here” – I said pointing at the script – “when you’re close enough to me.”

“Okay,” he said, then he stared at my face. In an audibly less formal way, he asked, “I heard you asked not to be strapped anymore when you stand at the edge. I don’t want you to get hurt, Jin.”

I ignored the tinge I felt in my chest at his concern. Damn it, Jin. “They’ll set-up a rescue jump cushion directly below,” I told him. “It’ll just take unnecessary time to secure me and it would require editing. I want it to be authentic. Besides, the scene won’t take that long, I’ll just throw some torn papers, look down below and then at the sky. That’ll be the only movements I’ll need while standing there.”

“Still…” he said, sounding completely against my choice.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “It’ll go fine. The edge isn’t even as narrow as people think. I’ve looked at it earlier.”

Sehun sighed. He knew he can’t win against me this time. Still, it was at that moment while I was looking at him that I noticed how they covered up the dark circles under his eyes. I wondered how busy he must be these days to fall into that state. I argued in my head if I should ask him but he suddenly continued our conversation regarding the delivery of the lines.

When the actual time for shooting came, I closed my eyes right before the cameras rolled. I needed to make my eyes look damp. The team below first began by shooting Sehun picking up a torn piece of paper. It’s an exam paper he’d realize was from Soomin, and then he’ll look up at the building. That’s when he’ll run to the elevator to get to me.

As soon as they were done, my part of the scene commenced. My make-up was hugely just foundation because I needed to look pale. By this part of the movie, I’m supposed to look already exhausted after taking so many part-time jobs and getting harassed by my parent’s loan sharks.

In what felt like a minute, the cameras began rolling, the director shouted the signal, and I started walking slowly to the edge.

Because they had to consider all the angles, I had to climb up the edge repeatedly, and focus on my eyes that must look so lost as I stare at the horizon. The wind was quite strong, too, so my hair whooshed on my face. I didn’t bother with it though, because that looked natural. Instead I kept the bad thoughts coming, so a tear would fall from my eye as soon as I avert my gaze below.

After I let out a deep constricted breath, I turned around and stepped down the edge. Just as I did, I heard the cameras roll in at the other end of the rooftop where Sehun came in running.

Sehun’s hair was beautifully dishevelled. He was panting hard as he walked closer to me. His eyes were wide, like he didn’t know if he was supposed to feel scared, angry, or just frustrated. To me, it was perfect acting to depict a 16-years old student.

When he stopped in front of me, while clutching the strap of his bag tightly in his hands, I spoke in a voice that sounded like I was still trying to .

“Mwo ya Jiseok,” I stated in a calm but quite shaky voice. I lifted the edge of my mouth a bit as if I thought the whole situation was cliché. “I’m starting to think you moved into this complex.”

“What…wh—“ This time, Sehun took a clearer expression of anger. “What the hell do you think you’re doing? Do you think everything will be fine if you just--” Sehun looked up with his eyes closed, then when he brought his eyes back to me at eye level, he was already spilling angry tears. Deep inside I was startled at how good that was. It was so fast, that he could take such a switch in emotion.

I gazed at him first, making sure that I looked unbothered by Jiseok’s emotions. But I also mixed in a contemplating look, as if to say I don’t get why he would be so mad about it when all I can think of is how ty this life is.

“Isn’t it funny?” I asked him, still in that same soft tone as I pondered on his tears. I raised the remaining pieces of paper in my hand. “I used to think I’m all that. Smart, tough, fearless. I even step on other people in my head, constantly...But what is this now? My boss at CU told me I’m an idiot. My parent’s creditors said they would kill me if I don’t pay…”

I paused.

“And I wanted to die, but I’m even afraid how badly the fall would hurt…” I let out a chuckle that got stuck on my throat while my eyes dampened again. “What am I supposed to do Jiseok?” I let one more tear fall from my eye as I gave him a mirthless half-smile. “Can you see how stupid it is that I even wonder how deformed I would be if I jumped? Does that mean I’m still clinging into this stupid ing life? Tell me…cause I really don’t know what else should I do…”

“Mianhae, Soomin-a…” Sehun spoke as he cried. “That I’m just 16…and I can’t really do anything for you…”

“You’re stupid Jiseok, I never said I needed your help.”

That’s when I crouched on the ground slowly, and let myself be overwhelmed with my tears while I choke on my own breath.

When the director shouted cut and the rest of the staff clapped, I couldn’t bring myself to stop crying. I was completely my character for what seemed like the first time ever, that my lungs began to ache from too much tears. Sehun immediately crouched in front of me while Boyoung and my team were hurrying to get to me.

“Jin,” Sehun said. He already wiped his own tears. “Youjin, are you okay?”

“I’m sorry,” I hiccupped. “I’m finding it hard to control it.”

Sehun raised my face with both of his hands, and started to wipe my tears away, he looked so worried and panicked at the same time. “Your face is so red…”

I removed his hands away. Even when I’m a mess, I know exactly what I don’t want Sehun to do for me anymore. “I’m fine, this’ll go away in a minute. Don’t worry.”

Sehun looked at what I did, but he didn’t say anything. Instead, he waited for Boyoung and the others to reach me and hand me a bottle of water before he got up and hesitantly left with his own team.

It was moments after I calmed down under the tent they set up, that the director, along with his assistant, approached me. He shook my hand and I could tell just how happy he was before he even said anything.

“That was fantastic acting,” he declared. “You’re doing very well Youjin.”

“Thank you,” I said, bowing at them, “and sorry for the change of schedule because of me” referring to my uncontrolled crying.

“It’s fine, it happens!” he said. The staff had to film clips of the view outside first instead of my next scene with Sehun. I heard Sehun also agreed to move up his individual takes. “Although I have to say, it usually happens with top actors. I can’t believe you can give me such a performance when you’re not yet a name in the industry. I’ll make sure they’ll see what a gem you are.”

“Thank you so much director-nim,” I said, repeatedly bowing at him. He clapped me lightly in the back.

When he left, Boyoung was ecstatic. “You really outdid yourself today, Jin,” she said, bouncing on her feet.

“Well, I didn’t want to look like a joke next to an award-winning actor,” I replied.

“I’ve got to say Sehun deserves where he is now though,” Boyoung now frowned, like she even surprised herself by praising Sehun in front of me. It’s alright though, I already know how amazing he is. I started as a fan myself, after all. Those were the old good days. “He really seemed like a different person back there. And when he cried…that was just…so fast, but so real.”

“I know…” I admitted to Boyoung. “I was almost taken aback eventhough we discussed it. But yeah, melodrama is really his turf. I still have a lot to learn.”

Boyoung looked at me hesitantly then.

“What?” I asked.

“I saw what you did back there,” she almost whispered, obviously referring to how I removed Sehun’s hands on my face. “I don’t blame you, but be gentler when you’re refusing him. Others might start suspecting that you guys are not really, you know. There’s a behind the scene camera Jin. Don’t forget that.”

“Right…” I said, letting out a sigh. Then I changed the conversation, “Would the CEO be at his office tonight?”

“I think so?” Boyoung answered. Then she slitted her eyes suspiciously at me, “Why?”

“I’d like to discuss something about my album…” I began slowly.

“What? You can tell it to me first,” she said.

“I’ve been thinking about restructuring…well, the concept of my album.”

“What do you mean ‘restructuring’?” she asked blankly. “Your songs have already been picked. It’s just months away for the recording and the album cover.”

“What I mean is…pop/edm isn’t really my thing, I’ve only been going with that because of them, I want to go ballad, chill sounding music with more focus on my songwriting,” I stated. “I want to sound more mature.”

“Jin you can do that for the next release but—“

“Please, I really think this is the time for me to rebrand. Just let me talk to the CEO,” I pleaded. “I’ll do all the work. I’ll submit demos everyday if I have to. I just need to have the conversation going with him.”

“You have to shoot this film, and you have concerts at the end of the year—“ Boyoung looked so stressed.

“I know but I’ll manage, it’s what I want, and I’ve already written so many songs in the past anyway,” I said. “I’ll only have to improve them.”

“Just what is going on in your mind, Youjin?” she asked in contemplation then sighed after I just gave her a small smile. “Fine, we’ll go, but only after the gathering. It’s rude not to join the staff on the first day.”

“Okay, thank you, thank you so much!”

So that’s what Boyoung and I did. We went with the staff for dinner to a nearby samgyupsal place. Boyoung moved out of her spot next to me when Sehun and his team came so he instead can sit next to me. I looked at Boyoung, but she just gave me a resolute face as if to tell me I have to do this. Sehun and I then exchanged a look at that instance but didn’t say anything. Sehun just took his place, while his team scurried to find vacant seats.

It was quite loud. Everyone was congratulating each other for a very productive first day. I kept on drinking water while looking at them with a smile on my face. That’s when Sehun addressed me.

“Why aren’t you eating anything?”

“I did…a little. I just don’t want to look puffy for tomorrow,” I said. “Besides, I have to diet for my comeback.”

“You’re already so thin…” he casually commented.

“You are, too,” I pointed out.

“I go to the gym, you don’t,” he stated. “I’m healthy.”

“Excuse me, I actually do,” I protested.

“When, once a year?”

“I go every weekend as much as I can!”

“Stop lying Jin, you were at Baram’s last Saturday, and you slept the Sunday away as always.”

“How do you know that’s what I did, you were not there,” I accused.

“I don’t have to be there, I’ve seen you do so for decades.”

“Well at least I eat my vegetables, while you can’t even swallow carrots.”

“They’re disgusting,” he said. That’s when my phone lit up on the table. I picked it up, and saw it was Jongin asking me how my day went. I typed my reply while answering Sehun.

“No, they aren’t, you’re just a picky eater Sehun. You always make me eat the carrots in your bibimbap! Don’t even deny it!”

“Okay, but how long should I stay careful around you?”

I stopped typing and looked at Sehun. He was gazing at me sincerely, as he put a piece of meat in my plate. I averted my eyes towards that instead, not knowing just how to reply.

“Eat, Youjin,” he said in a much softer voice this time. “I don’t want you to get sick.”

“Your hair looks good on you,” he added.

“I have to leave in a while,” I softly informed him. “I’m going to have a talk with my CEO regarding my album.”

“Is it going well, your preparations?” he asked.

“I’ll know that later…”

“Okay…will you let me know how that’ll go?”

I felt sadness flow in me at his question. Why does it seem like we’re really becoming strangers? Is it my fault for being so hurt at his rejection?

“Sehun I’m not deleting you in my life,” I began to say. “I just… I need this time to understand why…I’m not enough.”

Sehun put his chopsticks down in a way that made a resounding clink against his metal bowl. He closed his eyes, his eyebrows slightly furrowed as if I’m the one who hurt him by stating that.

“Don’t tell me,” I hurriedly said, afraid that he’ll start explaining things to me in a room full of our colleagues. I really should not have said anything. “I’ll figure it out by myself.”

“Why do you think like that?” he suddenly asked me. “You should just get angry at me Jin. That’ll be easier for me to accept.”

I got stumped. I opened my mouth but nothing came out. Luckily, someone offered to pour us soju. Then, my phone lit up again from Jongin’s message. Soon enough, Boyoung swooped in and told me that we should go. I looked at Sehun to say what my manager whispered in my ear, but he just nodded at me in understanding.

“Drive safe, Boyoung-eonni,” he bid.

…………………………………………………..

I stopped hanging out with my friends on weekends. It wasn’t because it’s awkward to pretend to be Sehun’s girlfriend (which is actually a good reason, too), but because my CEO agreed, after I begged him so desperately, to re-do my album. I’m now obligated to submit one complete song a day so that by next month at the earliest we can begin making live studio recordings to test if I’ll still have an audience with my new genre. They’ll upload it on youtube and see the responses. If it doesn’t go well, we’ll dump my idea and go back to the originally-planned album.

My company also let me use a separate studio outside of the company building so I can concentrate better without the pressure of being close to my bosses and other producers. I come straight to that studio after my daily schedule and have even already taken some of my clothes from home, pillows and blankets so I could just spend the night there until my creative juices come out. It works well most days, especially when lyrics just spill out of my head. I noticed however that they were mostly sad love songs…which shouldn’t be the whole point of my album.

Seul Gi and Jongin were, so far, th