One of the finer rules I’ve learned in show business is this: never search anything about yourself online. For the past years, I’ve religiously abided by this rule as if my whole existence depended on it. I’ve limited my social media activities, and trained myself not to look at the comments on my instagram updates. Even after my issue with Soojin, I did not dare look myself up. Back then, my management and my parents sufficiently provided me with an idea of how bad my image went. Thus, I’ve always believed that any problem which can come up is for my company’s PR team to solve. There is no legitimate reason for me to worry about anything else but my actual, non-virtual life.
 

This time, however, it’s different.

I decided to break the rule I set up for myself when Boyoung called me. She said the company wants me to post on my fancafe a handwritten apology for the scandal. When I asked why, Boyoung was ever so surprised to learn that I didn’t know Sehun already posted his on his instagram account. As soon as she said that, I ran upstairs to my room, jumped quickly on my bed and opened my instagram account.

Sehun and I, like other celebrities, have private instagram accounts for our more personal photos and moments. In my case, I really just use the private one to scan updates from my friends, and then open my public instagram to post pictures every now and then for my fans. Using my private account, I opened Sehun’s public profile. Immediately, my heart dropped at the knowledge that he already lost a million followers in a matter of day. Anxious enough, I clicked open the image of a handwritten letter most recently posted on his feed.

Sehun’s apology was not so long, but it sufficiently contained everything that had to be said. He spoke to his fans in a very general manner, not going into much detail about the previous night’s incident. Still, there were some sentences that stuck out for me, like how he said he too wanted to date someone and show his affection openly like a normal guy, and that he wants his fans to continuously support the two of us. He also said that I’m someone who has been a constant support for him, that there are people in our lives that we can’t just let pass by, which is why he risked everything for this relationship.

I couldn’t keep up with how many times I reread his letter, but it was just so heartwarming and comforting that I almost forgot to write my own. Sehun had always been affectionate, but it was always with actions, not with words like these. I couldn’t even remember a time when we had open conversations about how truly grateful we are for each other. Reading his letter now made me just want to screenshot it and hang it on my bedroom wall. It gave me the feeling that I was in an actual romantic relationship even when I’m not. Still, with Sehun, I never really wanted more. I was content just being a special friend to him even if deep inside, I really like him. It was enough that no other girl knows him like I do. At least, that’s how I know I’ve successfully kept myself in check all these years.

Still, despite the warmth that I’d felt from his letter, it didn’t take me long enough to succumb to the temptation of looking at the comments. Although Sehun’s post had a million likes, it couldn’t be helped having varied responses. I took my time scanning the reactions. There were some people I noted who have supported Sehun and I since our drama together. Many speculated that our relationship really started to take off from then. But there were a few who knew or rather, guessed, that Sehun and I have been long-time acquaintances, mostly using as reference the cafe paparazzi pictures. These reactions were on the tolerating end. Overwhelming these positive views however were a whole lot more of malicious and hateful comments. I told myself I was going to be mature about it, but I couldn’t help getting really hurt. Some fans said I was a famewhore, an irrelevant celebrity about to go bankrupt without Sehun. They said I was leaching on him, that I was nothing but charity work, and that I look like an ugly toad next to such a face genius. There were also statements saying I was horribly tone-deaf and that I don’t deserve to sing ever which really really hurt me. I felt the tears well up in my eyes, threatening to pour, but I just couldn’t bring myself to stop reading.
 

On naver, people were not only bringing up videos and gifs of our on-screen kiss, but they were also posting ugly and edited pictures of me, next to perfect Sehun. As I’ve also foreseen, they were bringing up Kai on to this mess, especially our shippers who felt betrayed by the scandal when I was acting so affectionately with Kai. They also dug up on Sehun’s past on-screen partners, especially Soojin, so naturally, the slapping incident came back to light for those remaining few who didn’t know it. Further, there was an aggressive group of netizens who were telling me to commit suicide. All in all, my name was trending number one on search engines, and they were mostly not for good reasons. 3 of my fansites already shut down, but it was not a situation graver than Sehun's,  who lost 8 fansites all at once, 2 of them being major global fansites.

I was not aware for how long I was looking at my phone, scanning the news when I heard the knock on my door. I wiped my watery eyes before my mom entered.

“What are you doing?” my mom immediately asked, looking at me with suspicion.

“Nothing,” I said, throwing my phone on the pillow next to me. “I was just listening to music.”

My mom didn’t respond but walked silently to sit right next to me. I moved a bit to the side, so I can give her a comfortable spot.

“What?” I asked, trying to smile although I was nervous. My mom rarely comes to my room, so it was a bit of a surprise when she did.

“Youjin, your dad and I had a talk,” my mom started carefully. “And we agreed that it’d be best if I’m the one to approach you.”

“What about?” I asked, now feeling very anxious. Are there more bad news coming? Did the company terminate my contract? Am I out of job??

My mom took a deep breath and said in a rush, “You and Sehun, you’re both very young. We understand how long you’ve known each other, and relationships, they’re very interesting at the beginning. You start to get curious about so many things. I respect that, we respect that, but Youjin, there are more things in life that matter. Sehun is just a boy. Yes, he is handsome and rich, and he is a polite kid, I admit that, but you’re gonna meet so many others, to go to a hotel with him at this age—“

“Oh my god, mom,” I let out, feeling the red creep up to cheeks and spread to my whole face as understanding dawned on me. “You’re not giving me that talk.”

“Yes, Youjin,” suddenly my mom’s voice turned very firm. “You don’t want having a baby and getting shamed for the rest of—“

“Oh my god,” I repeated, all at once feeling very uncomfortable on my seat. “Sehun and I are not like that! I swear. We were at the hotel…because….because he had an important meeting there, and he just finished and we wanted to grab dinner together, so I went to pick him up. That was all there is to it. I promise.”

“Still, it’s not like I don’t trust you, Youjin,” my mom said, but her voice significantly went more conversational. “But it’s important that you know you should be careful about stuff like this. You are too young, and you can still achieve a lot of things. Don’t let a boy destroy you.”

“No, of course not,” I said, holding my mom’s hand. She had always been tough on me, but it isn’t something I detest. We just don’t have the cutesy mother-daughter relationship, but this has always been something that I prefer. “And Sehun…he isn’t like that.”

“You never know,” my mom said, standing up. “You can never know with men, especially those who have a lot of stakes in their hands. Well, if there’s nothing else, I still need to cook dinner.”

“Okay,” I replied, wondering where that was coming from.

“And Youjin,” my mom looked back at me knowingly before closing the door behind her. “Don’t spend so much time on your phone, alright?”

“Yeah, sure,” I said softly.

Sehun only called me once for that whole week before I needed to return to work. I wasn’t disappointed, because I understood that he needed to fix a lot of things after the scandal, but I was going to lie if I say I didn’t expect something to change. I thought he would be more worried about me, or at least he would be more present in any way, but we were just the same. Maybe his instagram letter got to me, or maybe it was the way he spoke to my parents, but nonetheless, I knew the expectations were a fault on my end. We were friends, nothing more. I just had a new role, a full-time one for the TV.

“Jin, where’s your head?” Sehun said during the phone call. “Why are you responding so minimally?”

“It