I have never gone through a break-up because I have never had a boyfriend, but this separation from Sehun sure felt like one. At first I thought I was okay, that I definitely made the right decision. However, as the days went on, my emotions kept on spiralling down until there’s almost nothing left to control.    

                “So, then a quick run-down for everyone,” Boyoung’s voice resonated across the length of the room. We are in a small meeting with the Executive Director, my PR team and 3 other company staff. I have been zoning in and out of the conversation for the past half hour. “The dress Youjin wore at the Annual Artist Convention sold out. They want to get Youjin as the global ambassador for their brand but we all know that’s not possible since Youjin has one year left in her exclusive contract with Chanel and frankly, Chanel has the bigger market. Youjin will however shoot two commercials this coming week: one for Club Clio’s new make-up collection, and the other for Golden Olive Chicken. Youjin also agreed to a shoot on Thursday with Kim Kai and Lee Jaejoon for Running Man. Then, on Saturday, Youjin would be guesting at Arirang radio show. We’ve already screened the script so no questions about her dating relationship will be asked.”

“For projects still under consideration, we have quite a number.” Boyoung let out a breath before continuing with a smile. “Youjin has been offered to sing the main soundtrack for Kim Soohyun and Kim Jiwon’s new drama. She’s also been asked to write and sing an OST for Kang Haneul and Son Ye Jin’s new drama, but we’re still in the process of reviewing the plot of the show. Next, KBO League wants Youjin to throw the first pitch for Kia Tigers vs. Doosan Bears set on the last week of the month.”

“Does that mean free tickets for us to the game?” one of those in my PR team asked excitedly. The room was suddenly in a buzz. Boyoung ignored it.  

“For magazine shoots, we have several solo cover shoot offers from Elle Korea, Vogue Korea, Grazia, Marie Claire and also cover shoot offers with Oh Sehun from Nylon, W Magazine, Cosmopolitan, GQ Korea, and Allure. Youjjin has also received offers to star in music video productions for upcoming songs by Crush, Sam Kim, 10cm, Baek Yerin and Epik High. There are also song collaboration requests from Akdong Musician, EXO’s Do Kyungsoo, Kim Jaehwan, Psy and Zico.”

“For movies, there are 3 scripts currently under review --  two with Oh Sehun, an action film under CJ entertainment and a melodrama film under Duroo Productions. The last one is  with an unconfirmed co-lead star under AFCNet. We heard however that the role for this last historical romance film is offered to Jung Haein and Yeo Jin Goo. Now for dramas, there are 5 offers, each set to air on a night schedule under SBS, KBS, JBTC and TvN, and the last is a Netflix Original. 2 of them, including the Netflix Original, are also offered to Oh Sehun. Again, the scripts are still under scrutiny and copies have been provided to Youjin for her own review. There are 3 webdrama offers as well but we are not considering them at the moment since Youjin recently finished one.”

“Youjin has also been asked to endorse several products, some of them would require not only poster shoots, but also TV adshoots. As of the moment, the products in question are: Hyundai’s new sports car, LG’s latest phone, V-line tea, Coca-cola, Keds Korea, 8seconds’ bag line, Jo Malone perfume, Lotte food, Angel-in-us Coffee and Jinro Soju. Onstyle also wants to have a 6-episode feature of Youjin which would center on her fashion, music and lifestyle. Lastly, Inkigayo wants Youjin as a special MC for 2 weeks.”

                “SKY entertainment has not yet responded to any of these offers, but we have to consider also that Youjin is set to release an album on the 4th quarter of this year. That would be top priority, including her other shows for promotion of her most recent album, her 2-day concert this October, and other commitments,” Boyoung closed her folder, bowed slightly and ended her speech with a thanks.

                “Wow,” a company staff said. “That’s a lot.”

                “No kidding,” another exclaimed. I knew I wasn’t the only one who noticed the sudden interest in me by the industry all because of a dating scandal.

                ‘We are expecting more to come in the following days, especially commercial shoots,” Boyoung declared. “But for now we have to coordinate with the companies who offered and ask them for further details regarding these projects. We must figure out how much leeway they can give us as to the schedules of shootings and their expectations. I’m going to set meetings as soon as possible with their representatives and then assign tasks for each person in Youjin’s team.”           

                The room was filled with the noise of pens scribbling down on paper as Boyoung further gave out instructions.

                “For now, Youjin,” Boyoung said, calling my attention. “Is there anything in the list that you really consider doing?”

                I hummed in thought. I didn’t actually listen to everything. “Well, I want to do both OSTs. The baseball offer is okay too, but I’m not really confident with my pitch. I haven’t played baseball in a long while. I also want to do the collaboration with Do Kyungsoo-sunbae…I really respect him. I was hoping to collab also with Zico-sunbae but for a song in my album. As to the other offers, I’ll just go with what the company decides.”

                Boyoung nodded and listed everything I’ve said, then they proceeded to discuss other matters.

                Truth to be told, there was one project I was really interested in. It was the one offered to me at the ball, the CJ entertainment film with Sehun. I’ve dedicated almost 3 days just reading the script to it and I understood immediately why the executive who approached me said it was a high-budget production.

Sehun and I were to act as government-trained spies/assassins in the film. We are both orphans who met at a spy school, became lovers there, fell apart and only came together again years later when Sehun sought me out to help him with his personal mission. He figured out that we were orphans because the government forcefully took us from our poor families and he was on a mission to dismantle the whole system by killing the founders. He didn’t know that I was given a mission to kill him before he sought me out. However, because I fell in love with him again, I was going to only pretend to kill him by the end, right before he kills the president, but Sehun thought otherwise and kills me instead. He only realizes I truly loved him when he finds in his pocket a small note from me containing coordinates to a small secluded island where we could have spent the rest of our lives in peace.

                The film is to be shot in a span of 5-months and in 5 different countries: Korea, Prague (Italy), Belgium, UAE, and Cambodia. Before the shooting proper, there is scheduled also a 5-month period to train and perfect the action scenes.  The director is the famous Yeon Sang Ho, and the confirmed casts include veterans like Jo Jung Suk, Kim Sun Yeong, Ma Dong Seok and Kim Ui Seong.  

The whole concept is overwhelming to me. Even the opening scene is a definite audience catcher. I’d be in a nun attire, as I threaten a priest for information. Then at the cathedral, Sehun shows up for the very first time, dressed as a pizza-delivery man on his motorcycle, to get me on board his mission.

                I admit I’m not really much of an action film person, but I sure want to test my skills on that genre sometime in my career. I’m really curious how I’d fare. Still, there are also a lot of things about the film that just stops me from saying anything to my manager. On top of it all is the fact that I’d never be offered this role if not for Sehun. Surely, a newbie can’t just be a lead in a billion-worth movie. I could think of about a hundred actresses who could portray the character better than me. Plus, there are so many veterans in the film that it would absolutely be shameless of me to just join their ranks just because I’m dating a famous person. Thus, even if my tandem with Sehun can bring a lot of money, I know I can’t bear being hated by my co-actors in exchange. Maybe I should just aim lower for now, and accept offers more in par with my level. Besides, given my current situation with Sehun, doing a movie together would not be ideal. I don’t even know if he’s considering it too, since he already got casted by Director Bong.

                To think about it further, maybe I’m not really even that enthusiastic to accept the movie offer. It would after all, disrupt 10 months-worth of schedules which would definitely impact my album release and concert. Maybe, I’m just focused on this movie because I want to see if Sehun would forget Director Bong’s film for a project with me instead. Maybe I just want to see where I stand in his life – if I’m more important to him than Junhee-sunbae.

 It’s very childish of me, I know, but I can’t deny the thought crosses my mind frequently.

……………………………………………………..

                “I thought you were made of stronger stuff,” Jongin joked as he approached me.

                Slowly, I removed the towel I used to cover my eyes while resting on a bench at the theme park. Almost immediately, I noticed how the sun was quickly setting at our shooting location. My manager, Boyoung left me alone for a while to confer with the other Running Man staff regarding the continuance of shooting. It had definitely been tiring, and my partner in the game, a girl group member named Kim Hana, was in a worse condition than I am. She was vomiting.

                “I don’t take opinions from people who never tried to ride the T-express five times in a row,” I weakly remarked. The game I had to play was to read words that were strategically placed around the park while riding the T-express, but Hana and I must get all 4 words per try, 2 on each side. I was assigned to the right, while Hana was on my left. She couldn’t get any word until the 5th ride. Meanwhile Jongin, who was partnered with Kwang Soo, needed only to ride a water slide. They got it easy because they placed first on the previous game.

                Jongin let out a chuckle and sat next to me. “Are you sure you don’t need a medic?”

                “No, they’re already too busy with Hana,” I replied, looking at the direction of the trailers. “At this rate, she has to be brought to a hospital.”

                Jongin shook his head a bit, “I think she just needs to lie down.”

                “Hopefully,” I tried to nod, but that gave me a small headache.

                “So…” Jongin muttered. “You got a bodyguard.”

                “What?” I asked rather stupidly, and that’s how I remembered I was not alone. Standing  a few meters away from us, and chatting with a theme park personnel is my new bodyguard named Yoon Junho. He also drives for me now, so Boyoung don’t have to anymore. I should say this new arrangement is more convenient for Boyoung than for me.

                “Right, the company got me one, “I explained. “After the ball. But only for my work schedules. He’s not around me all the time.”

                “So they know?” Jongin asked curiously.

                “Couldn’t hide the bruise on my face from my parents,” I shrugged. Jongin nodded thoughtfully. “And I didn’t want to lie.”

                “Of course, you don’t,” Jongin said, as if he thought of me as someone who doesn’t even know how to lie. A guilty feeling settled in my stomach out of nowhere.

                “So then, my company wanted to sue the organizers, but you know what? When we had the meeting, they didn’t even argue.”   “Really?”

                “Yeah, they offered millions to settle,” I said. “It’s really kind of mind-boggling. She really must have a lot of money on her bed.”

                “I figured it was a girl since you were in a bathroom,” Jongin nodded. I looked at him, and realized once again that he didn’t even really know what happened. He just found me all messed up. “So, what happened? Did you settle?”

                “Yeah,” I softly confirmed for him. “I didn’t want to be in the limelight any further. I just don’t want the chaos. And my company probably preferred in that way, too.”

                “I see,” Jongin uttered, then smiled at me. “Thank you, for telling me.”

                “Well, it’s the first time I’m able to let that out, I’m not really telling you for your sake,” I playfully said.

                Just then, Boyoung appeared in front of us and said, “Here’s your phone, and we can go home in a while.”

                “What why?” I asked while I grabbed my phone.

Boyoung looked at both Jongin and I. “They’re just fixing Hana’s makeup, and then all the guests will appear for one more clip just to say goodbye. The tagging game is changed to cast only, so Hana can go rest.”

“Okay,” Jongin said, clapping the palm of his hands on his knees before standing up.

“I’m going to discuss something with the director regarding your shots,” Boyoung told me. “You and Jongin can head to the makeup trailer first and grab a Running Man shirt. You need those for the last scene.”

“Sure,” I said and stood up as well.

Boyoung ran ahead of us. I looked at my phone to check the time but saw that Seul Gi left me a message.

“Sehun?” Jongin suddenly said. It took me a moment to realize he wanted to continue our conversation. “You didn’t tell him?”

“Haven’t had the opportunity yet,” I lied.

“You guys didn’t break up or something, right?” Jongin asked with a sort of nervousness in his tone. “I think I came off as a bit rude to him.”

“No,” I lied again. “Don’t worry about it.”

I clicked open Seul Gi’s message to see that she had sent me a picture. I didn’t understand at first what I was supposed to be looking at, so I read the accompanying text. It said, “I’m sure it’s just for business, but I’m still keeping an eye on your boyfriend. Goodluck on Running Man, see you soon <3”

I stopped in my tracks. Suddenly, there was an uncomfortable feeling in my chest. I slowly opened the picture, and zoomed in.

Seulgi and Sehun are under the same company, so no wonder the picture contains a scene from their building’s café. I know since I’ve visited both of them quite a few times before and stayed there while waiting. In the photo however, Sehun shared a small round table with a girl. I moved the picture a bit, and saw that it was Junhee-sunbae.

I knew at once it was probably for their movie with Director Bong, because Junhee has no business going there otherwise. It made me realize that Sehun really has no intention of backing out of that movie. It was of course a good decision for him, and I completely understand that part. But he looked so happy in the picture, with her. It almost seemed as if it didn’t matter to him, that we haven’t talked to each other for almost two weeks now. Meanwhile, I’m just here trying to pretend so hard to look happy and enthusiastic for Running Man.

It just puts a deep gash on my heart.

“Youjin?” Kai said, standing in front of me. “Hey, are you okay?”

“Sehun and I,” I looked Jongin in the eye after I pocketed my phone. Even to my ears, I sounded empty and detached. “We aren’t together.”

“You broke up?” Kai asked in an almost inaudible tone, eyes wide.

                “No,” I took a deep breath, knowing that I’m doing something I should never do. “I mean, we are not together.”

Jongin stared at me rather dumbly. There was a short pause, then he said, “Are you pulling my leg?”

“I’m telling you the truth right now,” I told him with conviction in my voice.

And before I knew it, Jongin had my wrist in his hand and he was pulling me far from where the staff and trailers are gathered. I only had one brief glance to spare at the view behind us and found my bodyguard completely unaware of the happenings. If the CEO was only here, he could have been easily fired for this one incident. Yoon Junho should have been paying attention to me. Instead, Jongin was able to pull me away completely unhindered and he only stopped when we reached the back side of Vikings, where we’re completely out of view and of hearing sight.

Jongin checked first the surroundings before he settled his eyes on my face. “Youjin, you can’t just say something like that out of the blue,” he said quickly in an almost inaudible voice. He was frowning.  “What if anyone heard you, you can be in big trouble—“

“Why are you worried about that and not angry that I lied to you and basically to everyone in the world?” I let out. I can’t believe Jongin’s calculated nature extends to sheltering my own interests.

There was a pause, then Jongin muttered, “It wasn’t a lie, when you were caught at Park Hyatt. I’m sure you’re protecting him. You don’t have to tell me anything. But I’m not saying it all makes sense.”

“What doesn’t?” I asked, in a softer voice. No one can be this pure and intuitive. How long has he been observing me? How can he tell I’ve been protecting Sehun?

“You love him and it’s not for show,” he stated so confidently.

“Sehun’s my best friend,” I tried to deny.

“It doesn’t matter, it’s still true,” Jongin pointed out. I stepped back in disbelief. How can Jongin read me so easily? I haven’t been so obvious, have I? What if Sehun knows? What if Sehun took this chance to get rid of me because he knows?

“He loves you, too,” Jongin said.

“No he doesn’t,” I said, almost instinctively.

“You should have seen his face at the ball, when he thought I hurt you.”

“That’s because I am his bestfriend,” I told him. “He likes someone else.”

“Really, who?” Jongin asked in a challenging tone. He sounded as if he cannot believe he is wrong on this one.

“Junhee-sunbae,” I said. A pain shot through my chest just by saying her name. How ridiculous. “In fact, they’re together…today.”

“Oh,” Jongin said, taken aback. “That’s—“

“I told you.”

“I like her, too,” Jongin suddenly confessed.

“What? The girl you were talking about before?” I asked him. “I should have known. Everyone likes her.”

                “Yeah, but when we were having that conversation back at the gym, I didn’t mean I like like her. I obviously just have a crush on her because of her craft,” Jongin said. “You misinterpreted me.”

                I sighed. “You know what—“

                “Ms. Han?”

                Both Jongin and I turned our heads to the voice as if we were electrocuted. It turned out to be only my bodyguard, Junho. He was looking at us curiously. “Everyone’s been looking for you.”

                “Right,” I said, finally getting back to my senses. “Yeah, sorry, we were just talking. And I told you to call me by my name.”

                “Right, then…Youjin,” Junho said, then turned to Jongin to acknowledge him, “Mr. Kim. Let’s go.”

                As we made our way back to the trailers and I saw Kai’s manager heading for us, Jongin stealthily whispered to me, “I won’t tell anyone. I swear.”

                “Thank you,” I whispered back. “And I’m sorry for suddenly telling you. I just…I just wanted to stop lying. I need a break, from all this.”

                 Jongin rounded on me. “Then—“

                But whatever it is he was going to say, I didn’t hear it. We were immediately separated. Boyoung was annoyed at me that I didn’t just follow her, so they had to rush fixing me. The shoot went by in a blur. Hana was assisted to the medic van right after so she could sleep comfortably on the ward bed. I bowed and said thank you to the Running Man staff and headed for my own service.

                However, before I could hop in the van, Jongin stopped me. Boyoung looked at us, and decided to give us a moment of privacy. She stepped into the seat next to Junho and closed the door.

                “This is awkward,” Jongin started. “But you said you needed a break.”

                “I do…” I said carefully.

                “Well, I’m going away this Saturday—“

                “Oh no, I can’t,” I immediately rejected. “Can you imagine what would happen if we got caught together? It’s enough that I already told you what I shouldn’t have, I can’t let you be more involved than thi—“

                “Wait, let me finish,” Jongin interrupted. I shut up. “It’s not on a beach or some public place. I’m not as stupid as you think.”

                “I don’t think you’re stu—“ I was about to refute when he looked at me pointedly. I closed my mouth.

                “My grandfather owns a farm at Jeonju. He died a year ago, and my grandmother decided to take residence there. She needs help with the crops. She usually asks her neighbors to help her, and some kids who want some candy money, but I come around every now and then to help. That’s where I’ll be going.”

                “So, you’re telling me I can go with you to till the land?” I asked, raising a brow at him.

                “That’s the general idea…” Jongin nodded. “It’s a peaceful place, and the neighbors are quite old, and the kids, they don’t really watch TV. They’re not very interested in pop culture. They just play traditional games and hang out at the farm. They don’t know me there, I’m just someone’s grandson.”

                “Really.”

                “So?”

                “I don’t know…” I told him. “It just seems so…risky. Do you really want me to go with you or do you just feel sorry for me? I mean, you’re corteous enough, if you just want to hear that from me.”

                Jongin’s lips twitched as if I’m being funny. “Well, you know, there are many potato crops, and frankly, I need a hand.”

                Now I’m the one looking at him as if he’s being funny. “You want free labor from me…”

                “My grandmother would let you take some kimchi,” Jongin said, resisting the urge to laugh at his own suggestion.

                It was me who burst out laughing first. This is so ridiculous and brazen. I don’t even know Jongin that well. Why are we both acting as if we couldn’t care at all about our careers?

                “Okay,” I finally said.

                “Okay,” Jongin grinned. “Sunday. We need to go early. Where can I pick you up?”

                “Not at my house,” I quickly said. “But there’s a church near my place. It’ll probably be safer there. I”ll text you the address. Would 7 am be good?”

                “Okay,” Jongin said. “See you on Sunday then.”

                “Should I bring farm clothes?” I asked jokingly as Jongin walked away.

                He turned his head a bit and smirked, “I’m sure we have something to spare. They’re not Chanel though.”

                I smiled widely. Jongin is crazy. He must be.

………………………………………………………

“Breakfast,” I threw at Jongin as soon as I got in on his passenger seat. “One of my mom’s sandwiches. I stole it from the ref.”

“Thanks,” Jongin said, quite surprised. He was wearing sunglasses in his car. For some reason, it made me suddenly aware that he is also a superstar. I’m just surrounded by so many beautiful people on a daily basis, including of course, my bestfriend Sehun, that I never really paid attention about the looks of my co-stars. Now that I’m alone with him on a personal getaway, I suddenly realized Kai is gorgeous, too.

I cleared my throat. That’s not what I should be thinking early in the morning. God, Youjin, stop.  

“You seem like you never eat proper food at your loft,” I casually commented, remembering the last time I stayed at his place.

                “That’s not true,” Kai said. “You just caught me at a wrong time.”

                “Right,” I mockingly said. Jongin chuckled.

                The road to his grandmother’s took about two hours. Jongin and I had small talks on the way and it never turned awkward. He also played songs, and I figured out that unlike Sehun, he is a ballad-type of person.

When we arrived, I was taken by surprise. By the way he talked about the farm, I thought it was just a small piece of land where you’d really just waste your time eating and sleeping after retiring. On the contrary, it was more than just a piece. It was acres, and there was a huge farm house quite a distance from the gate, a chicken house beside it, and a warehouse at the other side. There is one thing that’s correct as to how I imagined it though -- the place was peaceful, and the air is fresh. Completely rural.